My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
As for hospice, it's my understanding that it's not necessarily only for the terminally ill. Check with your state agency on aging, maybe, and see what they say. God bless!
how hateful they are. I am using them as an example to myself HOW NOT to live my life. Good luck to you!!
You say you just moved your parents in with you. Don't let any grass grow under their feet as the saying goes.
You make a mistake and that's okay. Get them moved out.
If your life has been made this miserable so early on in the "caregiving" experience, it will destroy you. They have to go.
Don't let them stay. Get them into AL and if they have dementia, then memory care.
Don't do this to yourself. As bad as you think things are now.
Just wait.
my grandma and aunt were his primary caregivers and were so burnt out and annoyed with him. He’s very high maintenance. Now I and everyone else is shocked at our grief because he is laying in his death bed as we speak. We thought we’d feel better if he died, because that’s what we wanted for so long. And maybe we will after some time after his death has passed but for now we’re all feeling guilty for not treating him with more respect.
it’s kind of effed up. He was not physically there for his family for a long time (30-45 years) in the past 10 or so years he came to see us more and then finally when Covid hit he moved back to be with us because he was getting frail.
so really he emotionally neglected /physically neglected/ in some cases physically abused my aunt and mom when they were little but he still expected the whole world and more when he was getting old. We have given that to him. And strangely now I feel riddled with guilt that I wanted him to go.
at his bedside even though he’s unconscious on a ventilator idk if I should tell him my true feelings. They say the last thing to go is hearing and it would be nice to tell him how I really feel before he goes without having to argue with him.
I am so conflicted right now. It’s crazy.
im praying for everyone of you guys who were in my aunt /moms and I position a few months ago. Just wishing it would end. It’s finally here for us, we’re struggling with it.
praying for y’all
I'm sorry or the situation your family is in, but honestly your grandfather got more respect and care from his family then he deserved.
You say he's an a**hole who spent the good years of his life abusing his family and selfishly living for himself. Then he comes back on the scene in his dotage a few years ago and expects his family to be fighting over who gets the honor of taking care of him?
Please.
None of you deserve a minute of guilt especially you as a grandchild.
A person reaps what they sow in this life.
If someone planted a field of indifference and resentment when it comes harvest time they will not bring in a crop of love and never-ending compassion.
Your grandfather is in his final days and who knows he could be reflecting on his life. Who knows? But owe him nothing. Not even a moment of guilt or regret.
When a person spends their life being an a$$hole who was never there for their family they shouldn't expect their family to be there for them.
Be kind to yourself and your family.
And, no you should not tell him your true feelings because it's too late now and he's out of chances to make amends.
God is his judge now.
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/03/08/1084912553/alzheimers-assisted-suicide-amy-bloom-in-love
No one has to do this though. No one has to pay a parent's rent so they can wreck the place.
No one has to tolerate abuse. No one has to do for a person who villifies and lies about them to whoever will listen, or who berates, belittles, or disrespects them.
No one has to put themselves into the bondage of caregiving slavery.
No one has to put their marriages and their own families in second place for a needy elder.
No one has to have their family home turned into a nursing home. Or a cluttered, hoarded mess because a needy elder likes things that way.
No one has to go broke or spend their own money on care for a needy elder.
So for everyone here, please think of this as the Caregiver's Magna Carta.
You have rights and so do your families.
This is why there are nursing and board and care homes. This is why there is Medicaid. Elders who have income and assets are supposed to use those to pay for their care.
Not disabled.
I work full time, and have to do everything for her. It isn't appreciated. My children blame her lack of respect/appreciation for what I do for her on her age. I think its not too much to ask for a simple please or thank you sometimes, or clean up the crumbs left on the kitchen counter. I'm beyond over this. She will not change either. I think I will go before she does if I don't get a break. Don't think it's horrible for thinking it's time for them to go. You are not alone.
You are more important than your 93 year old mother. Put her in a care facility.
She now says she just wants to sleep for ever. I don't like the idea of her dying in this ward when she could have one last look at the snowdrops before she goes. In fact, she may not even want to go if she gets better care.
I would talk to my pastor, as at times I'm not sure how long I can cope with this maelstrom of feelings, but he's off on a skiing trip!
Do you also have her medical POA? If you do and the hospital still won't allow her to be discharged to the care home you found (which is unusual because hospitals normally are throwing people out as fast as possible), then you may want to visit the probate court and petition for conservatorship. In the meantime would your mother eat if someone brought food to her? When my father was in the NH he would eat nothing. We had to bring his food. When I was in the hospital I couldn't eat any of the food. My meals were brought in from the outside. Not because either one of us is spoiled but because the food being brought was gross. It may help your mother to eat if she's being brought food she likes and by someone she knows.
As for conservatorship, it's higher than POA and will not be disputed. Talk to someone in the probate court. They will help you or will recommend an elder lawyer for you to see.
As a matter of fact, any time I've ever had to visit a probate court and there has been many visits in my life, the court is always swarming with elder and estate lawyers. You can't swing a dead cat as they say. Make a visit to the probate court and see about conservatorship.
Could this post be moved to discussions?
It is a much valued post with a good question that is often asked by those visiting Forum. I would love to see it survive in discussions.
I think people are use to it being in the question area.
I don’t think as many people check the discussion area and they purposely post things in questions so it will be seen more frequently.
My feelings about the situation are so mixed up that I am suffering from stress-related headaches, muscle pain, etc. Lucky I'm already on anti-anxiety medication because of our difficult relationship, or I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up in the bed next to my mother...😒!
But I would like for my MIL to pass soon, NPD or not, this is no way to live. And selfishly, my life is on hold - I've had to cancel and lost money on a bucket list vacation with my husband (finally no kids!) and we would like to move out of state. It is a selfish opinion, but I'm stuck. Especially knowing that my health is an issue, and I won't live near as long as either of my charges, I feel like my life experiences have come to an end as well.
Anyone, friend or relative, who's in very ill condition, with no hopes of recovery and only lots of pain needs to be allowed, given permission to go - if that makes any sense. No matter the circumstances and the feelings, in the end it's mostly about ending the suffering of family or others we know.
In spite of our feelings, when time is up for anyone we know or love, there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel.
I have a friend who's cat recently had to be put to sleep, and even she said the same thing - there is no point in making a living being suffer. If it's time we go we need to allow death to take place. Nothing fun or cheerful, but just has to be.
My mom is gaslighting me
Marriage is a chimera and so is love. And I am done with my rant.
I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much. 'My wife, now the ex, did not help'. Am I understanding that you were married and your wife divorced you when you had a stroke?
What a POS, if you don't mind me saying so.
Not everyone is so much of an a$$hole. When my ex-husband became ill I was remarried to someone else. I helped his family take care of him until he died. His family became my family. He didn't remarry and needed help. I felt I owed him this out of love and for that I was married to him for a long time. My current husband was understanding. There doesn't have to be hate between exes. I got divorced because my first husband was an alcoholic. That's what killed him.
My friend, don't let your ex-wife make you sour on love and marriage. She's not the example of everyone. You deserve love and companionship too. Everyone does.
Ed
On the other hand, as with progressive deterioration with some disease, seeing too much of suffering makes us wonder.
My GF with her Mom being close to death and cancer everywhere was glad her Mom chose euthanasia.
Honestly, I don’t think she’s happy. How sad to be completely unlikable and to be unable to make/keep friends. She chases the men and has had friendships with a couple of nice men who live in her facility. Wile I am not actively wishing she were dead, I am looking forward to the peace my mother’s passing will bring.
So as the doctor is telling me how serious the situation is (may not even wake up. If wakes up would require 24/7 care for rest of life) and then give hope to his adult children you can imagine how many friends I had left when I ask doc what is the process for allowing hubby to die. I had almost zero sleep for five days, first time I been in hospital since I was born and even less medical knowledge, high social anxiety, in the space of an 911 call I lost my anchor to the world (hubby) but still had the shell of him, we were living out of home state due to his job so I had no family or friends of my own and my method of asking question was not my finest moment. I felt so ashamed.
10yrs later and knowing the man I knew back then and how he would not had wanted to live like he has since I should of….I don’t know what I should of….I just know he would not had wanted this.
To pray for death is not a sin for those in pain, but rather an mercy.
Your friend should have no shame in hoping his abusive father dies soon.
I'll be honest. I didn't really have all that much grief when my father died. He wasn't close with us at all. None of us kids were ever any kind of priority in his life. He wasn't abusive though. When he dies my sibings and myself sort of felt like you do when a distant great aunt or uncle who you only see at weddings or funerals dies. Nothing serious.
When my mother goes that will be different. She's been in my life a lot more. I also had a lifetime of abuse from her and have lived as her caregiver. So I will surely feel very complicated emotions which I'll deal with.
Your friend isn't wrong though.
Here are such feelings of an abused adult child found anonymously online.
"I’ll be so glad, when you depart.
This day, this hour, this minute, this second, leave planet earth right now
Either from a heart attack or a stroke, I don’t care how.
There was much punishment you deserved before becoming elderly.
Some things are going in the grave with you as you go into eternity.
. . .
Do you now feel helpless now like I did?
Do you even wish that you were already dead?
I’ve had that idea too fly into my head.
I’m not lying,
I’m glad you are dying
For as you are, I’m finally thriving
You are no longer the one totally in
control
All you have before you is being put in a six foot deep hole.
How I hate your objectification.
Spent years seeking salvation.
Your ending is but my beginning.
Thus, for you it is the end.
But for me it is a new day to begin.
And you said I would see that you were
not the bad one in the end.
Your drama is in its last act as well as about to end.
...
But mama, you’re the enemy
You knew it was wrong, but you did it anyway.
Knew it would cause me pain indefinitely.
Facing your own eternity, and this time you are through,
The train’s whistle sounds for you."
Hes had eight operations in that time.