My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
In any case, I am sorry I don't have any advice. I just wanted to offer my support and let you know that you aren't alone. The way you are feeling is completely normal. I went through the "bereavement" process many times over, since my dad began to go downhill. That was painful...and to have to go through it over and over again every time I go to visit, has literally taken a tool on my health and attitude. I just can't do it anymore!! Thank god he is in a place that can safely take care of him. Now, I am just waiting for him to pass so I can go on with my life.
You are exhausted. You have nothing left in your tank, but more is expected, yes demanded, of you. You are struggling to survive. You just want it over.
Your question is "Is it wrong?" Well, maybe it is wrong, but if it is, many of us on this message board have been wrong.
If your conscience still bothers you, get on your knees and ask for forgiveness. Then forgive yourself.
Set boundaries my friend, find your peace and make friends with it( we know when our peace is disturbed) and when that happens set more boundaries, and remember there are many ways to to assure mom has adequate care without you having to assume the role.
Personally, as a daughter I feel as long as I assure she has care/ assistance then I’ve done my job ( much like when they found baby sitters for us lol). Be creative as possible in doing so ( hire, barter, negotiate, etc… well as far as your means can stretch! And if all else fails maybe it’s time for NH or assisted living..
Happy to hear you husband is progressing 😊
Wishing you the best outcome😊
With my mother, she is not accepting that she has to go-she wants HER OLD LIFE BACK and now EVERYONE is going to pay for putting her out to pasture. Nope- she will pay. Only she can accept her fate (lucky woman) Only she can make the best of it or the worst of it. I have a life to live especially after 15 years of therapy. None of us know how many years we have ahead of us and I sure 'ain't' spending them stressing over and taking her tantrums for the remainder of what I have left.
My narcissistic mother is miserable and makes everyone else's life miserable too. Her recent confabulations were mind blowing. She was nice to my face but bad mouthed me an hour later. She does this to everyone.
To me, she died the day she got the formal diagnosis. We never had a loving relationship and never will.
I call dementia a living death. The body keeps going when the mind is gone. Except in the narcissists case, they become meaner and nastier.
So no, I don't think you are wrong.
We become selfless when we take care of ourself.
Taking care of ones self is necessary.
You deserve your life back. Take it.
Do what you need to do FOR YOU.
You need to dis-associate yourself from your mother.
Get into therapy / counseling.
You must allow yourself to separate from your mother so you can sort out and process how you feel. Right now, you are too intertwined, emotionally and psychologically. Perhaps like cement. It is time to take that hammer and crack the cement into pieces, get the broom and sweep it all away ... perhaps not a good analogy... in other words, learn to release and let go and move on.
This is not easy. It is absolutely necessary for you if you want to learn who you are and enjoy meeting yourself.
Thank-you so much for responding with this because it has also helped me greatly.
You have true wisdom.
I hope you do find peace, it is very difficult in this situation because these people don't change. Any way you look at it, its going to be a hopeless, no win situation until you get out.
If she is determined to "go downhill" see if she can be admitted to a nursing home or someplace. She won't do any better in
Independent living and probably not in "assisted living" either.
Sounds like she's determined to give up or force someone to help her at everything! You are not likely to change her attitude. You might try telling her something like, "Its up to you, Mom. People are not going to want to help you if you aren't trying to help yourself." No need to argue. Those are the facts.
Let me Die Before I Wake: Hemlocks Book of Self Deliverance for the Dying.
by Derek Humphry
I'm always amazed that families don't have thoughtful, loving conversations about their end of life. If I were in that state, I would gather my dearest friends and family and share my thoughts, my desires for all my "stuff", where my darling pooches need to go, and let them know how much I treasure each of them.
I remember when my mother was in her last few days, I came up with a thought that we should call our friends and relatives in Germany (we were all born in East Germany and immigrated to the US) and so I dialed the number and when the person answered that she wanted to talk to, I identified myself saying "I'm at the deathbed of "Mutti" and she would like to say goodbye to you." It was a wonderful experience and my mother was so happy and they were so happy to be able to have express their love for her before she went. My mother, being the delightful human that she was, when I suggested we call a certain friend, she said "oh, call her when I'm gone". And we had a good jolly laugh over that because that friend was not one of her favorites.
I think that not acknowledging one's impending death is such a ridiculousness of denial.
Her daughter was wishing and prying for Mom to die, she expected to live days maybe week or two. Shocking, yes, but dying with dignity is gaining popularity.
So no, I don’t think it’s bad in some cases to wish an aged person/ dead.
The first time I wished for someone to pass quickly was in the case of my granddad, who was terminally ill. My mom moved in with him and my grandmother, as 24 hour caretaker, temporarily to fulfill their wish that he die at home. During that time, my dad and I received phone calls from my mom every damn night complaining about granddad's suffering and the ill use/abuse mom was enduring from insensitive family members. When you have to listen to the ongoing saga of someone dying inch by inch every day, you do learn to hope for a swift release for all concerned.
All the best to you and your mom.
I haven't spoken to her in 11years, to me, she is dead, that one forever step has set me free of her hold. I have gone no contact with her several times before, one time for 9 years, but I kept taking her back, she was my mother, after all, BIG mistake, the torture continued, now that I have designated her as dead I cannot go back.
Yes, she is still alive at age 97, two years ago my brother & I got her placed in AL, she had fought us tooth and nail before she had a slight stroke and she thought she was going to die.
My brother brought her to Florida, I found her a place, ran back n'forth between NC & Fl, cleaned out her house, had it repaired and sold it, never speaking to her. My brother does the leg work now, I will help him as needed behind the scenes. I do it to support him, not her.
I am at peace not having anything to do with her, I am finally free!
Believe me, I get it!
Please find out about services which can help you by providing care for her and some very much needed 'freedom' for you.
Start now because you deserve to have your own life as she has had. You have an obligation to look after yourself it seems to me that you have tried hard with her but enough is enough. I wish you well.
Everyday you are experiencing an unrelenting inescapable drip, drip, drip, of mental torture and despair.
No human being except for those in a savage prison camp constantly experiences no happiness or stays at an intestine-twisting-job 24/7 without let up. Who do you know that wakes up already at their job, goes to bed at their job, spends weekends at their job, no vacation from their job, no holidays from their job, no new years or birthday celebrations, always at their job, year after year after year. People complained about the isolation of Covid, give me/us an ef-fin break. What Covid?
I wish it would end one way or another and yet I do the right thing and he looks great. He has great blood pressure and heart, no diabetes or arthritis, no asthma, no torn rotator cuff (and retorn as I have), nothing. He's a great physical specimen, except for his mind, at a great cost. I have greatly changed over the last 15 years.
In the beginning of this journey I'd look up and plead - please let me live just one day longer than him 'cause no one would make sure he gets pedicures, or will make sure he doesn't have a rash in his butt from not wiping or washing properly, or makes sure he's as well fed, and that his ear, nose hair and beard is handsomely trimmed, and he brushes his teeth after every meal.
He doesn't appreciate anything. Like your mother to him everything out of his mouth is negative, everything is stupid or a waste of time or doesn't have any value and it goes on and on and on. He use to have the greatest laugh and a kind heart. He recently began calling me names that have made my eye brows hit my hairline. As an aside, I have to admit, that new change was so startling it had me giggling at first at the outrageousness of it. Until the second time. But my G-d a change from the incessant repetition was almost a splash of cold water. Man, that's not good.
He can't help it. It's not his fault.
I've been taking care of someone I haven't like for over a decade. I dislike my life. It's been a long time since I've stopped taking care of him because of him, but instead because of who I am. So noble right? No, I'm trying to hold on to being a human being for me. But this freaky reminent of the old me is being eaten away by this worse than Ebola Ground Hogs Day of a nightmare. I keep saying one way or another it's not forever.
Back to your question, no it's not wrong to hope someone dies. It's only normal to want to escape your prison. Daydreaming about a peaceful and happy life is healthy.
Pissssh. That was the sound of steam coming from the top of my head. Thank you for letting me release some from my valve.
No one has to tolerate or live in abuse.
If a situation is abusive, it does not matter if the abuse is because of dementia or mental illness or any other reason.
No one has to live that way.
If a caregiver is being abused by the person they take care of, they need to leave. If it's a parent have them placed in a care facility.
If it's an abusive spouse, divorce. If it's dementia have them placed.
No one has to tolerate berating, belitting, constant complaining, verbal/emotional/physical/psychological abuse.
NO ONE.
The "someone" you're caring for MicheleDL - Walk away.
Your life has value and is important too.
You asked a question. I, for one, do not think it is wrong to want a person to die.
My husband is in a NH with COPD advanced. I love him dearly. He was my rock and my strength and everything about this man is lovely. But. He is slowing 'losing himself' due to lack of oxygen to the brain and as I sit and watch and listen, I ask the Dear Lord to PLEASE take his servant soon. Mike would never want this, not in a million years. My heart can't break anymore than it has so yes, I want it to end.
Just my two cents worth.
Temper
My dad gets up every day, dressed, ready for the day and happy. If I inquire how he slept he usually responds positively even if he was awake for a period of time. He’s 87 years old with stage four lung cancer that’s he’s chosen not to treat. We don’t know how long we have with him but he’s outlived the Doctor’s initial estimate and continues to amaze us. The problem? Caretaking is mentally exhausting and requires a lot of stamina. Do I wish things had gone as they were predicted? Sometimes. We all thought we had this limited time with him and I’ve been sprinting through the past nine months rather than treating it as a marathon and pacing myself and others. I don’t know if others have had this experience but it makes me feel TERRIBLE. My dad is living his best life right now. He’s savoring everyday and gifting us the experience of accepting that life ends for everyone. How can I wonder “how much longer?” I am fortunate to have him with us, especially after he was in a terrible marriage that kept him from us for too long. He’s surrounded by family, young and old now that he’s with us.
I write all this to say: Even the best of circumstances can wear a caregiver down sometimes. We need to give ourselves more GRACE and respite. Our parents don’t want to decline, become more dependent and live with us or in AL etc. I know this plays a role in their mood and outlook some days.
I will continue my day knowing I have a good situation and that it could be worse. I will also pray for all the caregivers out there that struggle daily, sometimes or less, knowing we all need support at times. It’s hard. It’s fulfilling. It’s filled with emotions, no matter how easy or difficult our loved one is. I am thankful that I found this forum months ago. We all need this kind of support.
Good luck with your mother. I hope you both come to a place of peace when it’s time, whenever that is.
In the meantime hon, get an aid in or someone to help you. You need some time to yourself.
And don't berate yourself. You are only human, you know?
Temper