My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I don't think I will be free emotionally to just relax and not feel bad and affected by my mother's unhappiness and negativity (which often is unloaded at me) until she's gone as well. That's just a plain fact that I realized a long time ago. The other action would have been to never speak to her again, but she's not always like this and I love her anyway and have family loyalty.
I'm living with bipolar disorder, ptsd, and Fibromyalgia, myself, so some days it's super hard for me to take on any extra stress.
Just want you to know that I empathize and it sounds like your mother has a lot of health issues. At some point, she has to go and I understand how you feel. It's hard to deal with a negative person all the time who seems intent on bringing everyone else down around them. It's like being held in a prison of someone else's mind - just even having to be exposed to constant negativity.
Also, every elder who has someone to look out for them is very lucky. I don't believe there will be anyone looking out for me that is family if I live that long - single, no kids, no close relatives.
I think you have every right to feel the way you're feeling, and if anyone says otherwise than they're either a pious prick or they've never been a caregiver. Or both. It's totally normal to not want to have to deal with negativity all the time. It's totally normal to not want to feel weighed down by someone who doesn't appreciate the effort we put in anyways. It's totally normal to want a happy life and to want the thing standing in the way of that to go away. Was she like this when you were young? If she's always been this way then honestly I don't think you owe her anything, and a full-time nursing or hospice home might be the best thing for her. Let her see that you won't put up with her negative attitude.
If that isn't an option, which I understand because it isn't an option for me, then set some limits if you can. My mom is incredibly resistant and negative too, but what works for me is telling her that if she continues this behavior I'll walk away or if she won't take her meds then I'll have to have her go to an assisted living facility where they can take better care of her. It sounds like emotional terrorism, but honestly sometimes a mild threat (even one you have no intention of actually carrying out) can do the trick and let them know that you mean business.
It is not your responsibility to put up with the ugliness that someone else wants to spread out into the world. I wish the absolute best for you and I hope it at least helps to know that you are not alone, nor are you a bad person for having these thoughts. God bless.
thank you this is so well put.
Also I too have a sister that lives 10 minutes away and NEVER helps at all!! And she is an RN!! I live an hour away and am here every weekend. I dread it, it's also a constant fight over the thermostat. We live in FL and they are happy with it being 80 to 83 in the house and per mom, can't turn on any ceiling fans. Needless to say when my dad turns it off, I go right behind him and turn it back on. I guess I should have made my own post about it because I'm definitely venting on my response to yours. I could go on and on but I won't. Please just know that you are not alone in your feelings and my heart definitely goes out to you!!!
I can relate to this. My mother still gets abusive at the drop of a hat for things I often can't understand. I will always regret that I had a challenging relationship with my mother that caused me a lot of stress in life and led to a lot of challenges I have now with my mental health.
I am not happy about how I have reacted at times to her behavior, which she clearly has not been able to control due to her own upbringing.
I just end up with feelings of guilt and shame and feeling responsible for my mother's happiness as she gets older and has no one but me really. Hugs to you as well and hang in there! Be kind to yourself.
always afraid of him. Now he has Alzheimer’s. He has not abused me now for a couple years. Not sure if it is because his energy level has decreased or that he realizes I’m all he has and needs me to take care of him. I resent this. My life has now changed. I am miserable and don’t want to live. All I see in my future is dealing with the worsening symptoms. All he does is sit in front of tv all day and seems happy to do that. I do everything. I really am struggling with hateful feelings towards him. For the way he has treated me and blame myself for the choices I made. Don’t know how I can go on. Ty for reading this. I know it could be worse. God Bless all out there. It is so hard.
I too am praying for a peaceful speedy transition for my mom who sounds like yours. your feeling are valid. I too experience guilt where she is concerned..
keep the faith God hears you.
No DCF in those days.
I was the youngest of the three.
They called me “Cinderella,” and made me clean starting at 8.
She I made me POA then Conservator.
She wanted me to see, she was leaving me 0.
I watched her take her last breath.
It was very healing ❤️🩹
Lawyers had me keep a journal of my hours and they told me to pay myself $50.00/hr, because she was so difficult and rotten to the core.
She tortured me until I turned 13, and could fight back.
I felt the same way and I don’t feel I’m evil.
#NarcissistSurvivor twice - we attract it apparently 🤷🏼♀️