I know that I am burned out so I'm really just writing this for my own sake. My 91-year old mom with dementia exists on three high calorie Boosts, a small dinner, wine and cigarettes every day. She's happy with that and is maintaining an okay weight.
She is highly resistant to taking care of her personal hygiene, however. She uses toilet paper to catch drips despite having an ample supply of pads. She cries when I coach her to bathe. She smells because she also won't change her panties every day and will wear soiled underwear until I stand in her room and watch her change. When I discuss this with her, her response is, "why do you care?" At this point, I'm about past caring. She's got a tough constitution and has never had a UTI. Maybe I just push her to change her smelly under garments when I can't take the smell anymore. She is not bothered by it.
She's nimble enough for me to wash her hair in the sink but my overall battles with her on cleanliness has left me unmotivated any more to make sure that happens regularly. A shower, even with me assisting her, is a battle. It's been several weeks since she had a thorough sponge bath (which I also help her with.) I've grown tired of the fight. It's tough to see my formerly impeccably groomed mom turn into someone who looked the way she does now.
Except for her hygiene, she does really well. As I said, she's pretty healthy, her spirits are high, and we mostly rub along fine. I love her dearly.
Anyway - I'm writing this out for me more than anything. I appreciate the space.
See if this artical helps.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-parents-who-wont-shower-or-change-clothes-133877.htm
I agree with replacing the underwear with disposables, but also try to find it in you to demand she wash the lady bits regularly, because you shouldn't have to live with that.
There's only so much you can do with a person who is convinced that they're still living the life they used to. As suggested, 'disappear' her panties and be ready for arguments when you try to get her to change them. I taped up a large note in my mom's bathroom at the AL telling her the doctor agrees with her that she should change her briefs twice a day to prevent UTI's. Go figure, it's seemed to work!
I think many people on this forum will identify with your posting. I wish you peace as you continue on with your difficult journey in caregiving.
Maybe it’s time for you to place your mom since you are thinking of being away chunks of time.
DH said that the bath wore her out so much she slept the rest of the day--and didn't eat or drink.
She was always an immaculate, incredibly clean pulled together woman. Seeing her (DH reports, I actually have not laid eyes on her in 2-1/2 years) becoming 'raddled' looking is probably as hard as anything DH is dealing with.
What used to be a relaxing part of her day is now fraught with drama. Do they force her to bathe and she's sleeping the other 23 hrs of the day, or do they step it down to 'bed baths' and maybe it won't be so exhausting?
Sadly, she never had a shower installed, thought they were trashy and baths were more hygienic. If she had a shower, she could simply sit on a shower stool and the whole thing would take 10 minutes. A bath requires her to lift her legs over the lip of the tub and it now terrifies her to do that--b/c she CAN'T. Also, she's a 2 person assist now and the bathroom is teeny. Not enough room for 3 people.
She's stated she won't bathe anymore.
Luckily, so far, she has not become incontinent, but the Hospice Co. says that's almost inevitable. I cannot, cannot fathom my DH changing his mom's depends.
I'm just a sounding board--but I might suggest that DH install a handheld shower head to the tub faucet and get a shower chair. Much less effort to get in and out of the tub. IDK.
No bath = no cigarettes. Make sure you find all her ciggies before you do this. Tell her she can have one as soon as she finishes her bath. Be her ciggie dispenser to get her to comply.
If this doesn't work, hire an aid who is experienced with coaxing a senior to bathe. That's what we did and it worked great.
Your profile says, "My husband and I live with Mom. We are thinking of being away for big chunks of time and need to consider care options for my mother."
I don't know how this will happen for someone who smokes. You may need to hire in-home aids. A smoking 91-yr old with dementia is a fire danger. I wouldn't sleep in a house with this woman.
As she was "formerly impeccably groomed," though... What do you think is stopping or demotivating her now? Pain? Too much like hard work? Disliking cold air on her skin? Having to accept help with it?
When she says "what do you care" the correct response is "I don't. *You* do, and I want to help you."
All the same, you're completely right - what matters is how she's doing, and if she's happy, be happy.