It's been a year since my Mom died. I feel angry.

***Oct 2023 post***

For some people, the terms on which we get to be on this earth are harsh compared to the terms for other people. From your description, your mom treasured her life and her family. I hope that can bring you comfort.

Of course I remember the last days when my mother died, but I’m finding now that it’s easier to remember earlier times in her life and mine. See if you can shift your focus to the past when she and you were happier. I hope that it helps. Love, Margaret

My mother was only 68 when she died of complications from breast cancer treatments. It was over 8 years ago & I can still feel her ribs breaking as I attempted CPR on her while screaming at my father to call 911. The chemo got her before the cancer could…

She was robbed of so much it tortures my mind to this very day. She didn’t get to say any goodbyes, let alone experience a real vacation or retirement. She never saw her children marry & never met her only grandchild…She deserved so much more than she received…
I became her full time caregiver because my father is blind (has been his entire life) & he was used to her taking care of everything for him. With her being sick, I had to step up & care for them both.

Since my mother’s death I’ve been my father’s full time caregiver. In that time I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that my mother received systematic inadequate & inappropriate medical care that directly led to her traumatic death. My father’s medical care has been astonishingly amazing in contrast.

I carry with me the memories of my mother softly weeping while waiting on hold for over 8 hours to get a doctors appointment. I had to take a crash course on wound care when a surgeon left her with a 4 inch by 12 inch gaping wound after her mastectomy. I called every single breast cancer “resource” I could find & only got silence - no support at all. Oh the stories I can tell…

My mother’s death taught me that Justice & fairness are mortal concepts that don’t exist on Earth.

I know your anger. Specifically, I know it.

Yes, there are stages to grief & support group's or therapist to talk it out with. That may indeed be helpful. That was not the case for me. The first 2 years were incredibly difficult. The heartbreak is a heavy blow. But it’s been 8 years & I am still hurt & angry by what happened to my mother.

Lots of folks talk about “closure” & “moving on” but these concepts never felt accurate, let alone comforting. Instead I’ve learned to carry my burden of grief like new personality trait… it’s become part of my identity as woman going forward in this world. This was & is my choice & my method of coping with a traumatic loss. It’s not for everyone.

I’ve chosen to channel my anger & grief towards doing as much good in this world as I can. I do things to honor her memory.

Perhaps you too could choose to channel your grief into motivation to do something meaningful for someone else.

There’s no shortage of inadequate/ inaccurate medical care. I know I wish someone would have advocated for my mother, but no one listened, no one cared.

“Be the change. If not you, then who?”

Was thinking about you today. I recently lost my older brother who struggled with heart disease for many years.

Have you ever seen this poem? I thought that you and I might be comforted by these words together.

A Letter from Heaven

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I’m not here to see, if the sun should rise and find your eyes, filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry,
the way you did today, while thinking of so many things, we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you. And each time you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too.

When tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart, for every time you think of me, I’m right there in your heart.

I did not realize you are newly graduated. During internship you will see a lot of death and you will be taught how to speak to families many times. As many of us went into the medical field, you will soon need the skill of helping someone leave this life along with finding treatment.

I am so sorry for your loss. My dad died of a rare neurological disorder at 65 after working his whole life to support his wife and kids - then being robbed of his retirement dreams. I was so angry, especially at my mom, who I felt didn’t get him proper care, wouldn’t allow caregivers into the house, made horrible medical decisions for him, and didn’t allow him to have say in his medical decisions.

I was also angry at myself, other family members, doctors, you name it. Now it has been many years. Mom is in hospice. She is a shell of her former self. I am no longer angry. Idk if time heals wounds. Maybe I’m just now able to see my mom’s frailty and failings as just being human.

Your feelings are your feelings. There is no “why”, they just are what they are. More than one person has told me that the second year was harder than the first after a tragic loss. There is no right or wrong timeline. I hope you are able to find some comfort and healing as you move forward.

It has been a full year and yet there was nothing you could do. To help expedite and re channel your anger, perhaps you should seek professional help with a specialist. If it is new at the year anniversary, I believe the term is shadow grief

As a doctor I imagine you are a person who is used to an being in control and along with the grief of your loss the life lesson that fate is random and control is an illusion has shattered the foundation of your world view - you can do everything right, you can have all the money and connections available, you can try and try and try again and work until you drop, but despite all that you can still fail. IMO that's definitely something to be angry about.

Exveemon,

Grief will manifest itself differently in everyone.

Why are you angry? The short answer is because you are human. You are experiencing human emotions.

There are various causes of grief.

1) Death of a loved one
2) Diagnosis of a disease
3) End of a relationship
4) Loss of a job

According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, there are five stages of grief:

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

Apparently, you are still in the ‘anger’ stage. Some people get stuck in a particular stage and find it difficult to move forward.

Ways to cope with grief:

1) Give yourself time
2) Seek out support
3) Take care of yourself

Types of grief:

1) Complicated grief
2) Prolonged grief
3) Widespread grief

I would suggest that you go to a grief support group or speak with a therapist to help you move forward.

griefshare.org is a good place to start. GriefShare has meetings where you can be with others who will understand how you feel.

One thing is for certain. You loved your mom very much. I’m sure that she loved you. She would want you to be at peace.

Cry, grieve and mourn your loss. It’s okay to remember the sad times.

You’re not betraying your mother by remembering the happy times too.

She would want you to remember the meaningful moments and joyful times. Cherish the wonderful memories that you had with your mom.

Don’t be angry at your dad. He just happened to move through his grieving process differently than you have. Be happy for him that his heart is healing and is able to date again. He hasn’t done anything wrong and is deserving of a companion.

Wishing you peace and healing. You deserve to live your life to the fullest.

For some reason, I had similar feelings leading up to the first anniversary of my dad's death. I'd held it together that whole first year because I suddenly became my mom's caregiver when my Dad (the healthy parent, or so we thought), died quickly after being diagnosed with cancer. I got to the point that I was having chest pains worrying about the impending anniversary and how Mom would have to relive it all over again with me trying to keep it together for her.

As it happened, my mom's dementia had progressed so much that she'd forgotten my dad long since, so I didn't even bring up the anniversary. I also felt so much better on Day 366, knowing that anniversary was over. I now don't commemorate that date at all, because there's no value in it.

You also have the similar situation of having had those big "firsts" right on the heels of your mom's passing -- first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, and so on. My dad died on the day before Thanksgiving, plus his birthday was December 20, so we had three sad "firsts" within a month of his death. Once we got past those dates and the one-year mark, it was as though a weight had been lifted from me.

I hope this will be the same for you. Yes, you'll still oe sad, angry, and have all those other feelings, but somehow they won't be quite so overwhelming. Still, there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of my folks, and they've been gone for five years and 2 1/2 years. Yes, I'm still sad, but now I remember them before they got sick, and that's something I'm very grateful for.

Time does heal.

I am also about to cross the one year mark of my mom’s death, November 9th. I have rehearsed her death 100’s of times. I have had just about every emotion and mostly, I just second guess my decisions, wandering if I could have done something else or something additional that would have made a difference. She was 93.

My anger is usually directed at me…something I did or should have done. But…no matter the emotions I feel, I cannot bring her back. It cannot change what happened. I tried so hard to mitigate every issue. Death was something I could not conquer. I know, as a Doctor, you feel that even more.

I have to learn to live with that memory and force myself to think of my future. I am tired of grief robbing me of the good days ahead.

My advice, live your life. Let your dad make the choices that are best for him. For now….think about you! Caregivers do not do that when they are busy caregiving. Now is your time.

Sigh.
Thanks guys.
God bless you.

I am another spouse of person with Parkinson’s disease.
This is cruel disease, no cure, no hope.
The progression is unbelievable for my husband, it was slow for years, then rapid, now it seems as if he does not have it.
It is cruelty of PD as it is almost certain it will show up even worse.
I am not sure which is worse, disease ravaging a person or anything else taking them quickly. It is conflicting.
My husband was avid skier, runner, exercised two hours, never smoked, occasional drink or two, never sick before.
Avid traveller, history/ politics buff. No dementia thus far.
Grieving in stages for what we had and lost happens long before major event.
I know if I survive life must go on.
So understandable you feel conflicted as your father is dating, I am not sure I would want that, what I am sure of I would have solid plan to restart my life. Every caregiver deserves and should live life to the fullest.

You have every right to have your feelings. I found that I grieved mom more on the year mark than I did when she passed.

I still turn down her street whenever I get a haircut because I used to always go see her after a hairdresser's appt. Weird.

Being a Dr....yes, I am sure that makes it harder in many ways. You have seen death, and will see death many times in your career. I can see that you will be an empathetic doctor and your patients will be well taken care of by you.

One thing you will learn (as have my 2 kids who are also Drs.) You can only do so much. You will save some people, you will lose some.

Life is fragile and so very, very unfair. Why did my daughter lose a baby, so innocent and pure born too soon--while My MIL lives like a energy vampire--sucking the joy of life out of everyone she meets?

My heart goes out to you. In time you will heal. And the fact your father is dating, shows he was a good husband who needs love in his life. That's a tribute to your mother, not a disrespect.

You sound so compassionate and hurt--I can only offer the condolences I feel to you and hope you find joy in the journey of the rest of your life. Make it a goal to be the best version of yourself, in honor of your loving mother.

I’m sorry for your pain. My mom has been gone a long time now and I still feel her loss. I share your feelings of powerlessness at seeing a mother decline and not being able to do a single thing to make a difference. My mother’s medical nightmare remains the only thing I question God about, and I have an adult son with a birth defect, I understand and accept it far more easily. With time, there will be more smiles at the memories than tears at the pain. I wish you healing and peace

Therapists who deal with grieving people suggest that anger is a comfort because it stops us from moving certainly into grief. Therefore it's a relief. If we can blame a doctor, a god, a universe then we can pretend there was something else that could have happened "if". We can pretend humans have some control. Which, of course, I know you recognize we do not.

Your mother lived a good long life. I honestly don't have a lot of understanding for people who choose grieving over celebration, blame over thankfulness, so likely I am of little use to you. Atheism prevents my having a god to blame, thank goodness. But I don't blame anything else as well, looking about at a world in which 2 year old die of brain cancer. I have been very luck.

I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. I hope you will get help for yourself if this continues.

Oh gosh I certainly can feel your pain in your post. And as anger is one of the stages of grief it is only normal that you have some of that going on as well. And that's ok. You're allowed to feel any which way you choose on this the one year anniversary of your moms death.
But as you already know there is no cure for this horrible disease called dementia, and it does not discriminate.
So many of us on here have been touched by it and have tried to make sense out of something that just makes no sense at all.
Yet we go on, knowing that our loved ones life was not in vain, and that they would want us to continue to live our best life even without them.
So go make your mom proud, and perhaps in your case anyway and the fact that you're a doctor, you may just be called to either work in research to try and find a cure for dementia, or end up working with those who have it and have the ability to make their lives just a little bit better.
And whichever way your career takes you, you will have your mom watching over you from above. Please take comfort in that.
May God bless you and keep you.

Anger is one of the stages of grief, along with: Shock/disbelief, Bargaining, (Anger), Depression, and Acceptance. Most people waffle back and forth between the stages before finally arriving at acceptance.

You did the best you could do for your beloved mom, but even doctors cannot prevent people from dying when their time comes. Give yourself grace as you process this grief.

I'm sorry for your loss. Don't be angry at your father if he's found himself some companionship. He is not wrong. You say he was by her side 24/7? He started grieving for her the day she was diagnosed with dementia.

I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. Dementia can wreck families. It can take everything including a family's life-savings and home.
It didn't wreck your family. In spite of the pain your mother's death has caused, there is still love in your family.

You are a doctor my friend, but you are not God. Give yourself a break because you're not. I wish you comfort and peace in your healing.