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My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.


She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.


I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.


I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".

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My Mother is a Narcissist. She is 86 and its only me now alive to help her, I am 65 and raising grandchildren. She has always been hateful, etc. and has no friends. Multiple health issues and now is accusing me of things that arent true. (dementia) I feel like I will only truly be "free" until she dies. I pray for her to leave this earth. I dont feel guilty about all.
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GenXsandwich Oct 22, 2024
My mother is 81 and has a myriad of mental health issues, including narcissism. Dementia has actually made her nicer, which is a big break. But --I hear you; I pray for her to leave, too, and I feel no guilt, just sadness for the waste of a life for a talented woman who never reached her potential.

I pray we all find peace soon.
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My father took care of my mom with Parkinson's when he was in his 60s and early 70s. When she died he said he was relieved. He remarried and had a very good 2nd marriage. Now I'm responsible for him with his dementia. He is 99. Fortunately, he managed his money so he can be in memory care. I can have a life. But I will be relieved for him and me when he passes. Yes, he's safe and clean, but he's not really "there" anymore.
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I feel that way sometimes, and my mom is not anywhere near as bad as yours
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My mother also is in late state COPD, has schizophrenia, dementia, blood clots in both her lungs and has an ileostomy bag. All this plus she just lost my dad last year. She has never learned how to make herself happy, choosing instead to rely on others to make her feel secure. Every time I ask her how she is lately she says "terrible."

I have been praying for her to pass for months now. I get it. And it's normal. It doesn't make you a bad person. It means you care about her happiness and don't see any other way for her to be happy.

She's on her own journey. Perhaps she still has things to learn and going through this painful experience will bring her some understanding and peace at the very end. You will too.

I'll share a quick story that might help.

My mom hasn't cried in 20 years. Not even when my dad died. She wished she could but because of her medications, and her adeptness at denial, she just couldn't shed a tear. Then last week, after we moved her to a new care facility and she realized she was there for good, she SOBBED. And sobbed. And sobbed. I have never seen her cry like that in my entire life. Something finally broke free and she was able to comprehend her situation and her loss. It was so painful to watch, but it was a necessary part of her journey. I wouldn't be surprised if she passes away soon. It felt that significant.

Be patient. Trust the process. And most importantly, take care of yourself. By witnessing her pain you are learning how important it is for you to focus on your own happiness.
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With her health problems if your not certified in how to take care of her mentally and physically then yes you will be living in hell it's like nothing you do is right but everything you try is wrong . With all those medical problems is she on Medicaid if so they will take her in a nursing home where she will get the 24/7 care she will listen to . When a families son or daughter tries to take care of them they will refuse anything because they are your boss not the other way around and mentally it drives them crazy that they raised you and now you basically are taking care of her like a baby because she does nothing . Try getting her on medicaid or in her condition hospice people say hospice is for the ones on there dealth bed but wrong they are not my Aunt has had hospice for two yrs and they are wonderful two times a week for a nurse and and nurses aid will come in three times a week to bathe clean her bed and bathe her in the shower if she can it really helps the family because now someone professional is helping and that can make your mind alot better
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I have recently discovered that as the caregiver/go-to-person you could well be suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Disorder (CPTSD). It causes unbearable stress if you have no hope to get away from such a stressful situation.
In the end it is your subconscious that is trying to find a way for you to survive emotionally. And unless you survive emotionally, you become sick physically.
So instead of perhaps starting to think that you are such a terrible person, I would love to recommend watching Tim Fletcher on You Tube.
It is the most helpful thing and a life saver to get you to understand where you yourself are, and why.
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Anxietynacy Aug 14, 2024
Really good information, thanks for that!
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No it's not wrong. and unless you believe in god, he has nothing to do with it.
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I can truly relate. I just keep asking God to give all of us in the situation peace.
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no, you can pray that the Lird takes them to heaven . no one likes to see anyone suffer. it’s a normal thought to have. i have it everyday for my loved one cause they were a good person but to see old age rob them of quality of life is one of the hardest things. my girlfriend at 28 who passed of cancer sane thoughts. it’s normal!
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I just want to ad. My step-mother was the bane of my existence for over 40 years. She was dx'd with pancreatic cancer and I knew it wouldn't be long before I was finally free. When she passed I balled my eyes out. Not because I was sad. Because I was relieved. It was finally over. It's funny because as I read the original post, I never even thought about her. She never came to mind until after I made my first comment.
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Anxietynacy Jun 20, 2024
Posting, reading others stories and listening to others advice , can really give you those light bulb moments
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I have posted on this thread in the past. My mother was suffering from CHF. She passed last Thursday. She was in a NH which she hated. For a long time I hoped she would just go because there was nothing left really to live for. She was very unhappy and very mean because she no longer had control over her decisions.

I still feel sad that she lingered so long that we had no choice but to place her. Wished my father did not insist that she have that pacemaker implanted two years ago. She and her family were all miserable because of it.

I am not sure if I am grieving but little things tug at me me like when I opened her purse and found all her hearing aid batteries. I will miss her and am trying to remember the good times and not the awful ones and am trying to block the past five years from my memory bank.
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Anxietynacy Jun 20, 2024
Sounds like your holding up pretty good . I'm sure you will have your ups and downs for a while. 🙏
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I say the answer is no. My mom has not been like yours, but she has always been a "downer" type person. But, just in the last two weeks since my prediction that she would end up in a NH came true and she's been so difficult. So, so difficult, for even experienced to staff to deal with, I have hoped, for HER sake, that she does not take even a year for her end to come. None of us can continue to live like we are currently.
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Why is everyone responding to a post from 2012? Mom has probably passed
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Anxietynacy Jun 10, 2024
I think it's a place to vent and when I joined AG , it was helpful to me to read others that felt that way. Maybe it should go to discussions. But I think it's useful for the newer people
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My husband has moved his mother into our house, (I owned the house before we got married), she is a paranoid schizophrenic and she stays up all night with her TV and radio on not to mention her light and thr bathroom light all night long. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since she moved in, she will slam the cabinet doors when ahe cant find what shes looking for (which is right in front of her) she's VERY demanding and will confront me at 10:30 pm on Saturday about going to the bank which I tried ALL day Friday to take her to yet she refused to go to. Now he says he wants a divorce because he can't live like this, he quit his job to take care of her and I pay all the bills plus he wants me to do all the housework as well which I think is unfair. He says if I make her move out with him I'm cold hearted but she's not my mom, I don't think I should have to care for her if he chooses to move out.
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waytomisery Jun 10, 2024
This is so wrong . He wants a divorce and leave HIS Mom with you ??
YOU should be RUNNING to a divorce lawyer . Get rid of both of them .
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I think my mother is declining from end stage CHF. She has lost a lot of muscle mass and has anxiety. She was hallucinating in bed at the NH and slid to the floor prompting a battery of X-rays.

I spoke to a nurse a few days ago about her current condition. I told her she was declining and somehow or another I ended up with an appointment with a dietician, I guess because she wanted to think she did something.

I told the dietician that she’s not eating and lost a lot of weight. I said I didn’t think there was much to be done about the diet of a 96 year old in decline. She looked at me as if I had two heads. In my humble opinion no diet modification is going to make a damn bit of difference anymore. But at least I was able to change her breakfast cereal from Cheerios to corn flakes, maybe that will fix it all.

I am so tired of this slow motion decline and wish my mother was finally out of her misery. It is horrible to watch this.
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waytomisery Jun 6, 2024
Hothouseflower,

Eating more is not going to help your mother gain weight . As you know she is declining . Sounds like cachexia . This was happening to my FIL end of last year , then he came down with Covid New Year’s Day . Died 5 days later .
It is awful to watch the wasting away .

Ask them to give her somethlng for the anxiety . And for pain as well if needed . Palliative care in SNF can basically do the same as hospice as far as meds .

Or You could ask for hospice eval also if Medicaid in NY pays for that in SNF . Idk , some states do some don’t .
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I get it. I can relate. Then we feel guilty for thinking that. It’s tough. Hang in there so you won’t have any guilty feelings when she’s gone. You must have some bond with her or you wouldn’t be taking care of her. I would never care for my mom because she’s a horrible person but I care for my father in law. He lives with us and sounds like your mother but I’m caring for him and somedays I think he would be better off in peace instead of such misery.
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I feel the same way. I've been Mom's caregiver for the last 5 yrs. She is 94 yrs old with dementia, diabetes, TAVR valve, etc. etc. This woman even survived Covid. I think she's afraid of dying because she will have to face 3 husbands who died before her. Without going into detail, she was not exactly June Cleaver. Some people shouldn't have kids. Too bad they didn't have birth control in the 1950s. Now I'm stuck and she is getting worse. I have a lady that helps Mon thru Fri to get her out of bed, bathed, dressed and parked in her recliner in front of the TV. but I'm stuck here 24/7. I don't mind cooking and cleaning. But I'm not a nurse. Don't want to be a nurse. All I do is help her out of recliner into wheelchair and roll her to the toilet every couple of hours. And I absolutely hate the smells of poo and pee. This is torture. I didn't have kids, because I didn't want to change diapers and now that's all I do all day. I'm exhausted, depressed and losing my mind. I hate being a caregiver.
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waytomisery Jun 3, 2024
Is placement an option ? Why are you stuck ?
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I don't want my mom to pass, but I secretly want much of my family, and there issues out of my life for good and the only way for that to happen is for my mom to not be in my life.

When she passes, they will be outta my life and that part I'm really looking forward to.

Why my sister has to pick this week to cause her drama ,when mom is already not herself because her favorite is out of the country is beyond me!!

You would think she would want to pitch in and help, not make my life harder
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LaGorda58 Jun 5, 2024
Don’t hold your breath waiting for entitled selfish siblings to help. TBH, I would rather be begging in the street than ask my brother and sister for help
with our Dad. If it wasn’t for my husband, I’d be totally in a mental asylum.
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When mom had her heart attack, on day one, I dropped everything and drove up to be with dad. On the drive there, I called my friends to have them pray for her.
For five days, I would load up dads wheelchair and we'd take the drive to the hospital. 
Mom was in a medically induced coma, and dad would get so upset seeing her that way. So I'd ask if he wanted to stay, and in tears, he'd say, "No, I can't see her like this." we really didn't think she would die. So we'd leave and repeat the process the next day.
On day five, they started the process of waking her up, and that morning, the nurse told me she was doing good. Great news, So, I lined up a cab company to take dad to visit her because I needed to get back home and back to work set things back in order and I'd come back soon to visit with her.
I had only about two hours left in my drive home when the nurse called and said mom crashed, and they were trying to get her back (not her words, honestly I can't remember exactly what she said)Then I got another call, the doctor asked me if I wanted them to continue and I said no.... I'm in tears remembering this.. I've only told my daughter and a few friends, I felt like I killed her.
I called my friends again and said, "Please pray that God will take mom if she's going to be in a vegetative state." The docor called me back within minutes, God took her home.
The guilt I felt at being so selfish, putting my work and family before my mom lasted weeks. Everyone can tell you no you also have a life to live, doesn't help in the moment. But they are right.
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Sierramikewhisk May 20, 2024
You were not selfish. You were selfless . No one wants to live in a vegetative state.
big hugs my friend.
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if you are a terrible person, than so a I. I have lost count of the times I have sat and tearfully prayed for dad to go peacefully in his sleep. I don’t want him to die, I want the miserable existence that has become his life, to end. I want to still be able to remember the memories of him as a healthy man, as a not so perfect but still my daddy, dad, to still exist before they are completely erased & replaced with the negative, horrible & hateful ones he has burned into mine & my families brains over the past 4 years. I want his depression and frustration to die. I want his anger & outburst to stop.

I don’t want to die, I just want him to be at peace so that he isn’t suffering anymore
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My mom is almost 89. Her husband has been gone for 5 years. Her brain is starting to fail her. She is so ready to be done and I completely get this. A friend said, " you know how there are prayer circles to pray for someone's recovery? There should be prayer circles called, Lord Take Them Now." I pray for my mom to leave this world. It's what she wants.
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We don't want them gone, we want there pain gone. Physical and emotional, physical pain, that's a given, but the emotional pain is the pain that we don't see. And the pain they are begging us to help them with but we can't, because we can only do so much and they are looking at us as the only ones that can relieve that, and that is impossible. We can not do the impossible.
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Silverspring Jul 12, 2024
Yes. I can't do anything. I feel helpless. She is frightened by her dementia now and her inability to do things for herself. This is a horrible existence in many ways. She knows she is failing. How awful. I am very tired from it all.
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in general, not wrong, I will support you
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I agree with you. My mother stays in bed and only gets up to eat and go to the bathroom (which of course I have to clean up afterwards). She's now having accidents in public and I carry gloves, trash bags, wipes, diapers and two sets of clothes to change her. She has no life, which means I have no life. She has outlived all of her friends, has outlived all of her siblings, has turned extended family away and I have to bribe her with food to get her out the door. She also has myasthenia gravis; I describe it as she is committing slow suicide. Friends keep telling me I'm going to miss her. That may be, but I will have my life back and will finally be free of the albatross around my neck.
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LaGorda58 Jun 5, 2024
Your friends say that you will miss her. Maybe you will but i totally get that you want your life back and so
do my hubby and I. We have been married for nearly seven years, four of them have been taken up caring for my father in our home. I’ll be honest here. I stopped loving my father a long tIme ago, He was a hard brutal man in our childhood, now he is a snivelling irritating burden but I was left with no choice but to bring him to live with us when my adored mother died. He has outlived all his siblings ( 5 brothers ) and will possibly live another ten years. I honestly believe the more that we wish our parents to die, the longer they live.
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My husband and I prepaid our cremation expenses 25 years ago, but I may look into the parting stones thing. I agree--much easier to toss a stone into the ocean or nearby waterway. Totally eliminates "blowback".

OMG, indeed, about obesity and the too-small crematorium doors. Prompts me to think of a variation to the old schoolyard rhyme: "Person, person 2 x 4--can't fit through that final door!" Gallows humor!?
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sp196902 May 2, 2024
They have to cut up the body if it is too big for cremation.
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My mother has been a wonderful mother, and yet I pray daily that she will die peacefully in her sleep before she reaches the later stages of dementia. I do feel guilty about it, yet I would pray the same thing for myself and would want others to pray for me if I were in her situation.
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Anxietynacy May 2, 2024
Beautifully said
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I think “wanting her to die is a message that you’re exhausted and want to get on with your own life. You don’t want to go down with the ship, Who would? And that’s completely understandable. My father died from Alzheimer’s and people wondered why we weren’t crying more over him. The reality was we’d been crying for years. Rivers were overflowing with our tears. We were so relieved that our lives were no longer being bossed around by AD. And we were so horribly saddened when he died. So yes, it’s okay to express your feelings and grief. You’re being authentic. Take good care and be well.
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Cheeky79 Apr 28, 2024
I feel the same way. My husband has been battling Alzheimer's for the past
5 years. I have been his sole caregiver
and within a year he has gotten much worse. He has been losing weight rapidly even though he eats 3 meals a day and now is just totally confused about everything. I am so exhausted and I feel the same way. There is no
quality of life for him or me. Its just
watching your loved one waste away.
So I know how people feel when they
wish for them not to be on this earth
anymore. I just don't get it. That is when
I question everything in life. Wishing all
the moms a happy mothers day.
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I understand. I have similar thoughts daily. And then I feel guilty. I’ve been caring for my mother for 20 years. It has always been difficult because she is a narcissist.
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Ihatecaregiving Jun 3, 2024
20 years!!!!!! OMG. I feel bad complaining that I've been doing it for 5 years. I'm so sorry. I'm praying that this ends soon for you and me.
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First of all, I'm really touched by your beautiful words.

I once asked myself that same question. My uncle, who I had a really good relationship with ended up in the hospital with so much pain. He had to stay there for multiple months before he sadly passed away. He was in so much pain every day, so I asked myself the question if I needed to hope he died so all of it could end for him. But I loved him to much to start hoping for it. Had a rally hard time after he died, but luckily I had an amazing organisation https://bakx-uitvaartzorg.nl/ who helped me with te best funeral I could've asked for. So after a few months I could move on knowing he had a beautiful 'goodbye'
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I don't think it is.. Depending on the person, I mean if the person (your mother) is a terrible person then I dont see why that would be an issue that you wished she was dead. I truly wish my father was dead too. I hope he dies soon because he is a terrible human being. Thing is, even though he is overweight and smokes like a chimney he has perfect health! I am just saying you are not a bad person because you think life would be better without a negative toxic person. I hope things get better and you get some relief soon from your mother.
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LaGorda58 Jun 5, 2024
Amen
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