Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
As a caregiver, how do you overcome the feelings of resentment for family members who show no appreciation for...
I'm so sorry that your family is so unappreciative but even with families who get along well it's common for the non-caregiving... I'm so sorry that your family is so unappreciative but even with families who get along well it's common for the non-caregiving siblings to not have a clue about what the caregiving sibling is dealing with. Your sacrifices, your stresses, your concerns, your time, your own health - all of these things are not evident.
Sometimes it's because they don't want to see, but other times it's the very human situation that when we haven't experienced something it's hard to really know what someone else is going through. You can try to explain your feelings, but try to let the resentment go by just accepting that this is the case in many, if not most, families. Other caregivers are your best support because the know what it's like.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Sometimes it's because they don't want to see, but other times it's the very human situation that when we haven't experienced something it's hard to really know what someone else is going through. You can try to explain your feelings, but try to let the resentment go by just accepting that this is the case in many, if not most, families. Other caregivers are your best support because the know what it's like.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Question
My husband with Alzheimer's seems to be losing his sight. Is this part of the progression of the disease?
As has been mentioned, eye issues can happen with anyone. But with Alzheimer's it's common to have problems not so much because of... As has been mentioned, eye issues can happen with anyone. But with Alzheimer's it's common to have problems not so much because of the eyes but because of the brain. The brain can't correctly interpret what the eyes see. It's part of the process. That being said, if you can find someone to check his eye health, that still should be done. Taking a regular eye exam may not work for someone in advanced AD, but at least eye health can be checked.
Take care of yourself. You have a lot of challenges.
Carol see more
Take care of yourself. You have a lot of challenges.
Carol see more
Question
Mom’s pressure wound is keeping her out of assisted care and Medicare 100 days is almost up. Can we put her on...
I'm so glad that you have an appointment with an attorney. It sounds as if your mom should be going on Medicaid regardless of her... I'm so glad that you have an appointment with an attorney. It sounds as if your mom should be going on Medicaid regardless of her living arrangement. The problem, of course, is that each state is different. You've gotten some good advice on the forum here, so I hope that some of the suggestions will spur some ideas to get your through. Meanwhile, work on Medicaid and hope that she will be kept in rehab for as long as she needs. Good luck,
Carol see more
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Question
Self-inflicted abuse caused by poor hygiene and is causing severe skin issues. Any advice?
I found that an outside caregiver was the best option for my mother-in-law. That eliminated her embarrassment over family members bathing... I found that an outside caregiver was the best option for my mother-in-law. That eliminated her embarrassment over family members bathing her (not your issue, I understand, but it is for many). It also made her realize that it was "bath time" no matter what so she cooperated.
Since so many community members suggested this, it seems to be a good idea.
Good luck. I know it's hard.
Carol see more
Since so many community members suggested this, it seems to be a good idea.
Good luck. I know it's hard.
Carol see more
Question
What do I do from now on?
cwillie makes a very good point. if there is a community of people who speak her language they may have suggestions that can help you. ... cwillie makes a very good point. if there is a community of people who speak her language they may have suggestions that can help you.
Also, I'd think that this would be a good place of support for you since there are likely other adult children in your situation. They may be able to share tips with you. If not, at least they can share your frustration.
I wish you the best. This is hard enough without the drawback of language difficulties.
Carol see more
Also, I'd think that this would be a good place of support for you since there are likely other adult children in your situation. They may be able to share tips with you. If not, at least they can share your frustration.
I wish you the best. This is hard enough without the drawback of language difficulties.
Carol see more
Question
The hospital is ready to release Dad, but I need to have surgery in a few day so what do I do?
The hospital should have him admitted to a nursing home if you cannot take him (which you absolutely can't!). You need to be firm. I... The hospital should have him admitted to a nursing home if you cannot take him (which you absolutely can't!). You need to be firm. I know it seems like you are abdicating responsibility or something by saying "no" but you aren't. You are helping him. Stay strong and don't bring him home. They will have to do something. Meanwhile, look for the home where you want him to be and get on their list.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
My father doesn't want me to visit him at the hospital. What can I do?
I agree that some of this may be a probably irrational, but still real, fear of aging and being dismissed and/or "put away." I... I agree that some of this may be a probably irrational, but still real, fear of aging and being dismissed and/or "put away." I believe that you are doing all that you can. You could try writing him a letter that, hopefully, the caregiver will read to him, reminding him that you fully support his choice of living the way that he has chosen as long as he has a caregiver. This caregiver showed good faith by contacting you so that relieves my feelings that the caregiver could have been feeding his fear. It sounds as if ego and fear a behind a lot of this. I understand why many elders fear that their children will take over their lives. There's a fine line between helping and taking over and that line is not always clear, especially to worried adult children. Then the parent may go overboard. I'm not saying that your dad is doing this because any of you went overboard. It's just that many older people will assume that this may happen. You sound wonderful and understanding, but concerned (as you should be). Work with the caregiver. Ask her (or him) to explain that none of you want to change his living situation. It's just that you love him and want to see him.
We're thinking of you - this is a tough one.
Carol see more
We're thinking of you - this is a tough one.
Carol see more
Question
My dad has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. He is now asking me how he knows what is real and what is n...
My heart is with you - this is horribly hard on you. What you are doing is fine. I agree that when the person knows that he doesn't... My heart is with you - this is horribly hard on you. What you are doing is fine. I agree that when the person knows that he doesn't know it is terrible to watch their suffering.
My dad lived that way for ten years because of dementia caused by surgery. I tried to go with where he was that day. If he could understand what was real, I'd tell him. If not, I'd go with validation and re-direction. His dementia was different than vascular dementia because he didn't really have memory issue (which almost made it worse). However, all we can do in many cases is reassure, comfort and then try to distract and redirect.
Try to take care of yourself,
Carol see more
My dad lived that way for ten years because of dementia caused by surgery. I tried to go with where he was that day. If he could understand what was real, I'd tell him. If not, I'd go with validation and re-direction. His dementia was different than vascular dementia because he didn't really have memory issue (which almost made it worse). However, all we can do in many cases is reassure, comfort and then try to distract and redirect.
Try to take care of yourself,
Carol see more
Question
How to handle a difficult mother who refuses to go to assisted living?
It sounds as if your mother needs to be in a memory unit unless you can hire 24-hour aids through an agency who, as was suggested,... It sounds as if your mother needs to be in a memory unit unless you can hire 24-hour aids through an agency who, as was suggested, "actually do their jobs."
If you have a Durable Power of Attorney you can do this. If not you may need guardianship. Your doctor can back you up. If she never speaks to you - well, that will last about a day - but just roll with it.
Most elders have no idea how nice most modern assisted living facilities are. Yes, there are bad ones, but, in most states, they have improved immensely.Many are lovely and offer compassionate care. The same is true for many nursing homes. Both types of facilities often offer memory care.
I feel that this is a case where you have to override your mother's wishes because her brain will not allow her to think clearly. She needs your help. It's very hard, I know. We hate having our parents so upset with us. You'll need to be prepared for her to be nasty to you even after you move her. Just let it go. Eventually, she will likely get so that she enjoys herself, especially since you indicate that she is social. This could be the best thing that every happened to her, yet she may not admit it to you. Bite the bullet anyway and do what must be done.
Good luck to you with this. It's tough. Many of us know this.
Carol see more
If you have a Durable Power of Attorney you can do this. If not you may need guardianship. Your doctor can back you up. If she never speaks to you - well, that will last about a day - but just roll with it.
Most elders have no idea how nice most modern assisted living facilities are. Yes, there are bad ones, but, in most states, they have improved immensely.Many are lovely and offer compassionate care. The same is true for many nursing homes. Both types of facilities often offer memory care.
I feel that this is a case where you have to override your mother's wishes because her brain will not allow her to think clearly. She needs your help. It's very hard, I know. We hate having our parents so upset with us. You'll need to be prepared for her to be nasty to you even after you move her. Just let it go. Eventually, she will likely get so that she enjoys herself, especially since you indicate that she is social. This could be the best thing that every happened to her, yet she may not admit it to you. Bite the bullet anyway and do what must be done.
Good luck to you with this. It's tough. Many of us know this.
Carol see more
Question
Totally overwhelmed, is it time to move mom to assisted living or memory care?
It's time to get the LTC insurance in place and help her move. Drop the guilt. You've done so much and are not a failure. This is... It's time to get the LTC insurance in place and help her move. Drop the guilt. You've done so much and are not a failure. This is in her best interest as well as yours. She may find a whole new social life in assisted living (after an adjustment period). Expect complaints, resistance and all that goes with it, but it's time.
Best wishes for you,
Carol see more
Best wishes for you,
Carol see more
Question
How can we tell when my father doesn't remember something or is just not listening?
I'd say it's probably dementia but if he only does this with you then it could be selective hearing or a game. I like the... I'd say it's probably dementia but if he only does this with you then it could be selective hearing or a game. I like the suggestion of mixing it up just to see. If you are going to the clinic, tell him that. The next time he asks, tell him it's the grocery store. The next time tell him it's Chicago. See how he reacts to these things. This could give you a clue whether illness is the reason or if he's playing a game with only you. If so, then you can talk to him about it. If he is developing dementia, then everyone needs to get on board with proper treatment and plans.
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Best wishes,
Carol see more
Question
When is a person ready for hospice?
Many people live longer than 6 months when they are on hospice and some even improve enough to temporarily go off the program. It's... Many people live longer than 6 months when they are on hospice and some even improve enough to temporarily go off the program. It's never too early to investigate.
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Carol see more
Question
Is it useless to try to encourage my mother to participate in life?
The transition to assisted living may have set her back some but it was likely the best (or only) choice. Either way, she would have... The transition to assisted living may have set her back some but it was likely the best (or only) choice. Either way, she would have reached this stage. Dementia is terminal and you can't fix that.
Your pain is palpable. Those of us who've been through selling a house when our elders are still physically alive know that pain. Keep what you can for now, just for the memories.
You also may want to hang some of your mom's artwork on her AL walls so that she can see them and so that the staff and her visitors can comment on them.
You can't expect her to do crosswords and read books if her mind won't hold what happened just before since both require memory. I don't believe that watching a movie with her - even if she sleeps - is a waste of time. You can hold her hand and be in the room with her. She will likely register that.
Talk to the staff about different approaches to helping her enjoy life more but don't expect what may not happen. Each person is different. Some who have dementia can still laugh and enjoy some moments while many others withdraw.
My mother stopped enjoying life from a combination of mild dementia and the pain that she was suffering. She also gradually withdrew because she was worn out from hearing about the deaths of her friends and finally the death of her husband, my dad. She only lived five more months after that but she was ready to go.
You can only do so much so don't berate yourself for not making her better. Work with the staff to give your mom whatever you can that may bring her some enjoyment. Other than that, offer her your love. Often, a certain amount of contentment is all that we can expect to see.
Take care of yourself, too. This is a hard time for you and your sister as well as your mother.
Carol see more
Your pain is palpable. Those of us who've been through selling a house when our elders are still physically alive know that pain. Keep what you can for now, just for the memories.
You also may want to hang some of your mom's artwork on her AL walls so that she can see them and so that the staff and her visitors can comment on them.
You can't expect her to do crosswords and read books if her mind won't hold what happened just before since both require memory. I don't believe that watching a movie with her - even if she sleeps - is a waste of time. You can hold her hand and be in the room with her. She will likely register that.
Talk to the staff about different approaches to helping her enjoy life more but don't expect what may not happen. Each person is different. Some who have dementia can still laugh and enjoy some moments while many others withdraw.
My mother stopped enjoying life from a combination of mild dementia and the pain that she was suffering. She also gradually withdrew because she was worn out from hearing about the deaths of her friends and finally the death of her husband, my dad. She only lived five more months after that but she was ready to go.
You can only do so much so don't berate yourself for not making her better. Work with the staff to give your mom whatever you can that may bring her some enjoyment. Other than that, offer her your love. Often, a certain amount of contentment is all that we can expect to see.
Take care of yourself, too. This is a hard time for you and your sister as well as your mother.
Carol see more
Question
How do I reconcile myself with a wish that my mom will die?
Pattijean, you aren't alone at all. We all hate to see this decline and the suffering that goes along with it. Who among us would want... Pattijean, you aren't alone at all. We all hate to see this decline and the suffering that goes along with it. Who among us would want this for ourselves. This article may help you a little - along with the terrific comments. Blessings. Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Why-you-secretly-want-elderly-parent-to-die-139321.htm see more
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Why-you-secretly-want-elderly-parent-to-die-139321.htm see more
Question
Can a Medicare provider take Medicare Advantage patients only?
Medicare Advantage is a mix of regular Medicare and private insurance. They must abide by Medicare rules so if Medicare covers something... Medicare Advantage is a mix of regular Medicare and private insurance. They must abide by Medicare rules so if Medicare covers something Advantage plans need to cover it as well. As Pam said, Advantage plans may limit you to a network so you should check first because if you are out of network you may have issues.
Plain Medicare plans don't have that limitation, however there are some facilities and doctors who don't accept Medicare - that is a different problem. They wouldn't accept either regular Medicare or Medicare Advantage.
Good luck finding what you need.
Carol see more
Plain Medicare plans don't have that limitation, however there are some facilities and doctors who don't accept Medicare - that is a different problem. They wouldn't accept either regular Medicare or Medicare Advantage.
Good luck finding what you need.
Carol see more
Question
My dad has died and mom keeps forgetting. What do I do when she asks to call him?
I'm sorry about all that you are having to handle. You really don't have time to grieve in your own way, which makes everything... I'm sorry about all that you are having to handle. You really don't have time to grieve in your own way, which makes everything harder.
I agree with those who feel that once the person has been told (we owe them that chance to grieve) it's time to move forward and just say that they are out or that she'll see him "soon." You may want to read this article for more details: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/telling-someone-with-dementia-their-spouse-died-133806.htm
Take care of yourself. This is a tough assignment since you are also grieving.
Carol see more
I agree with those who feel that once the person has been told (we owe them that chance to grieve) it's time to move forward and just say that they are out or that she'll see him "soon." You may want to read this article for more details: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/telling-someone-with-dementia-their-spouse-died-133806.htm
Take care of yourself. This is a tough assignment since you are also grieving.
Carol see more
Question
How do I ask my grandmother to be more flexible?
Dementia could be the issue but she has so much going on with her husband's ill health and her own health problems as well as her... Dementia could be the issue but she has so much going on with her husband's ill health and her own health problems as well as her dependence on others. It's very hard for people when they've reached that stage. If dementia is part of it (or even some medications she's on) that compounds the frustration. You can talk with her doctor in case there is something that can be done to help her with the stress.
Best wishes to all of you. This is tough.
Carol see more
Best wishes to all of you. This is tough.
Carol see more
Question
I'm losing my strength to deal with end of life with lung cancer and Alzheimer's. Why does this have to happen...
All I can do is add to the compassion already shown on this forum. Life IS unfair, and for your mother to have to suffer from cancer and... All I can do is add to the compassion already shown on this forum. Life IS unfair, and for your mother to have to suffer from cancer and Alzheimer's at the same time is horrible. I'm glad that you have hospice to help. My mom had developed cancer and she had dementia but not AD and not a severe as many. Still, it was terrible to watch. Our hearts are with you and while no one has exactly the same experiences, we do have many things in common. Know that we're thinking of you.
Carol see more
Carol see more
Question
I need to hear from former caregivers about how to quit feeling so guilty for putting my sister in a board and...
Mary, people who are sick become thoughtless and selfish. Try to brush this off and realize that your sister can't help her... Mary, people who are sick become thoughtless and selfish. Try to brush this off and realize that your sister can't help her mean-spirited response to your taking some time for yourself, but don't allow one minute of guilt! You have more than done your share - you've damaged your own health. She needs more care than one person can give and you've found a way to provide that.
Go to your traditional event and have a great time! You deserve all of the wonderful times that you can get.
When you talk with your sister, let her know that you have to take care of your own health as well as hers and there are things that you must do to accomplish that. Be with her when you can but don't feel guilty when you are not.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Go to your traditional event and have a great time! You deserve all of the wonderful times that you can get.
When you talk with your sister, let her know that you have to take care of your own health as well as hers and there are things that you must do to accomplish that. Be with her when you can but don't feel guilty when you are not.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Is sleeping for a long, long time the result of having terrible hallucinations the previous day?
My suggestion is to accept this and give her what her body needs. Try to rouse her for fluids, at least, but honor her need for sleep.
Frankly, I was relieved to see Dad sleep after such an ordeal. It meant that he was getting some peace.
Take care of yourself. This is draining for the caregiver, too.
Blessings,
Carol see more