I'm visiting my mother either tomorrow or this weekend and she has only been in a memory care a week. I'm desperate to see her and give her a hug, but I'm also worried about being able to control my emotions, especially when I have to leave. Any thoughts on what to do when visiting?
- I didn’t have luck w/photo albums, if anything they made mom confused and me sad! That was us, though
- Pleasant picture books were great. I’d flip through pages of lovely English villages and gardens, it was calming for us both
- Looking at bird feeders/nature/clouds/flowers etc …outside if possible or through a window.
- Wrapping up needed items like socks, pants, shirts, whatever supply was required, in colorful tissue paper and a big bag and having mom open it. This worked great as it took time and made mundane supplies festive!
- If I lucked into showing up during an activity she was participating in, ( rare ) I jumped in .
- As mentioned, meals together. To get mom to drink more I kept making up toasts with her and our usual MC companion at the table.
- And my favorite; bringing a ukelele. I figured nobody can get agitated at a ukelele. With only 3 simple chords you can make up songs on the fly. I’d hold mini ‘concerts’ for her, asking what she’s like the song to be about. Id’ whistle or make up words. This is how some great hits came about, such as, “ I Don’t Know What to Make This Song About, “, “ Where Do I Park the Car Today “, “ There’s So Much Paper”, “Lunch Will Happen Soon”, you get the idea. The ukelele sort of saved my sanity the last year, to be honest.
Excuse long reply, but mom was in MC for 4 years so it was a real marathon. Full confession; every single visit I felt absolutely awful. When I was visiting I put on a happy performance, not to be a martyr but because a good vibe benefits everyone in those places. I would literally scream and shout to the radio driving over, and then often cry in the car and also shout to the radio afterwards. That’s how I got through it. Not with any grace I must add, but I got through and the visits were fairly feel-good for the most part.
Truly wishing you the best!
You aren't responsible for happiness now.
Happiness isn't the goal and won't be happening.
This isn't a happy time.
This isn't a time with choices. If your mom weeps and begs then why would you not weep with her and sympathize with her losses.
The only way to walk through tough times is to put one foot in front of the other and walk it. I am so sorry. You are so sorry. SHE is so sorry. THAT --NONE OF THAT--changes a thing. Bring her a candy bar she loves. Bring her a picture book. Bring her a stuffed cat or bear. Bring her yourself and your love.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Keep us updated and let us know how it all works out.
When you arrive greet her like you would if she were still at home.
As difficult as it is when you leave do not make a big deal of leaving.
Give her a kiss say "I will see you later" and leave.
If she begins to get upset as you are leaving try to get her involved with an activity then quietly slip away.
Then when you get to the car you can break down and cry.
And of course it's best if you at least wait until you're away from her before you break down and cry as you certainly don't want to upset her in any way.
I'm sure she will be happy to see you, so just try and enjoy your time with her.
If Mom is not adjusting well , perhaps wait another week .
I just visited a long-time friend of mine in her new-ish MC facility. I asked her to give me tour, then stayed for a meal. I showed her pics on my phone and made sure to divert the conversation away from anything that fed into her paranoia or negativity (she has the anger-tainment news on constantly and the first thing she did when I walked into her room was to point at it and say breathlessly, "Have you heard of all the awful things going on?!?" To which I replied, "There have been awful things going on since the beginning of time, but I'm here to be with you so let me shut that off for you because I can't here you well with it on." And then we went on to have a very pleasant visit.