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I have been caregiving for my mother for years. She had open heart surgery about 9 years ago and had been doing fine until recently. She nearly passed a few months ago because of shoddy healthcare and our lame cardiologist who didn't catch the fact that she was in heart failure!! Go figure?!

On Friday we just found out she's in Class 4 CHF - means almost the end stage of heart failure and I was at the hospital waiting to talk to the surgeon for nearly 8 hours. I could not leave since I wanted to catch him. It was exhausting and scary. FInally he delivers the news and we're heartbroken. I have been keeping my boss updated on the events because I need my job.

All I get is from him is an email asking me how long was I out dealing with my mothers. IS this ALL these assholes care about?!!! Does he really think I enjoy being in a hospital with my mother and worrying and feeling scared and sick then being at the office?

Help!! How do I get over these murderous feelings towards a boss who doesn't give a damn. I'm on FMLA so he can't fire me - do they purposely try to make you feel bad as much as they can because you are on FMLA? He doesn't care about his folks they live in a different state - whatever - but I care about mine and my job will never come before my mom. I am looking for words of comfort to help me get over this. I have always been a good worker and never fell behind in my job. Ever. Now I'm starting to not care what he thinks -the SOB! How can people be so uncaring?! I'm sorry but I'm really mad and I'm doing the best I Can between caregiving and working full time.

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Bosses can come across as cold sometimes, particularly when they are of the male persuasion. Males tend not to get as involved in emotions. He was probably just concerned about when you would be back. He may have also dealt with people who take leave, then decide not to return -- mothers who decide to stay home with children, adult children who decide to stay with their parents. The best way I have found to deal with bosses is to realize that they are thinking of the company and what needs to be done for it. He may be wondering if he is going to need to be training a replacement for you if you don't return. Just let him know that you will be back as soon as you can. You need the job, so you need his good will. I hope it all works out.

I am so sorry about your mother. Heart problems frighten me, but even in stage 4 CHF she can still enjoy life. I hope you are able to find just the right place and people for her. Please let us know how it is going with you.
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I am so sorry about your Mom, DEH369! Try not to let your stupid boss get in the way of your grief. Just know he is an ass, he is wrong and , hopefully, one day he will realize this. But for now , I think, you should try and forget him. He is not worth it.

((((( hugs)))))
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DEH~Do you work a big company or a small family run company? I agree with what Jessiebell told you. He is probably just trying to figure out how long you will be gone because they may want to bring in a temp if necessary. I work for a company in NorCal that has about 150 stores and each store has over a 100 employees, most are part-timers like me. I have found that there are some bosses who keep emotions out of the work place and they come across very cold but they do it to avoid emotional entanglements with employees. Some bosses can handle showing a soft sympathetic side without getting emotionally involved and these are the bosses who will be understanding and gentle but you still have to be careful not to take advantage ( which you are not doing). I am comparing you to myself in that I am a very sensitive person and I have a hard time filtering out other peoples comments without taking it personal. I have gotten better as I have gotten older since I don't ruminate for weeks over something someone said to me. I only ruminate for a few days now, LOL!! This is not a criticism of you in anyway because if you are very sensitive, it means that you take on guilt that you don't own. For example, I feel guilty if I call in sick even though I need to stay home to take care of my illness, I will feel guilty. I have learned that my boss may be upset I called in, but they get over it because they realize I am only human and human beings get sick. I bring this up just in case you are like me in being very sensitive. If not, then disregard my post but ,if you are...google highly sensitive personality.It is not an illness to be sensitive.
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For 13 long, unlucky years I had a boss intent on showing no compassion to her employees, safe a few favorites. She hated emergencies involving kids or family. After I returned to work after my day's funeral she asked how it went. I told her it was ok considering I'd just buried my favorite person in the universe. She said ok, you've discussed it now I don't want to hear you talking about it again. Wow, color me stunned. When a job opened up in another company, I couldn't get away from her fast enough. The new boss was overflowing with compassion. I was always taking either my husband or mom to the hospital. He understood, told me take all the time I needed and always asked how I was holding up. The difference in these two bosses was one was on a power trip and needed to control and the other one chose to let his out and show he cared.
It all boils down to how much you need your job and how much you can take. Unfortunately, your boss controls the shots. You have a right to be angry. In my case, I just left my anger outside the office door because I needed my job and had to put up with the boss from hell.
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Thank you all for your comments. I work for the State so it's not like its HIS private family business. He's not the type of boss that helps either nor did he dole out work to other colleagues to help me before. I think I just have to disregard what he says and do the best I can. Because I am covered under FMLA - I will fight him legally if he tries to get rid of me for trying to care for my mother. Thanks again everyone.
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hello sorry about your mom i to went threw a bad time last year my sister was on her death bed and i asked for only 3 days off i work in a preschool and hardly take anytime off she complaned that i was leaving and wanted me back befor 3 days i tought she is just nuts my sister is in icu and my family was all upset my sister recoved and is doing well now a year later but i am having a hard time with this alls i can think of is this lady my boss is so cold how could she be like this i worked with her foe 8 years and now it we just but heads but it is very hard to let this go please help if any one can help i to am having a very hard time so sad
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Sorry to hear about you Mom . It seems obvious you're a good worker and always kept
up with your work. Your boss sounds like he needs a lot of alcohol to kill that big bug thats up his ass! Ive been caring for my 89 year old Mother for several years now. She was diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's and things have been getting progressively worse. I'm a 49 y.o single guy with a mortgage etc.....and can't afford to lose my job. I've been placed on antidepressants and I'm trying to hold things together as best as I can.. My boss says she feels for me and seems understanding of my circumstances. My work performance has suffered in recent months and I was placed on a performance improvement plan 3 weeks ago. I've forced myself to do whatever possible to get back on track and have been doing much better (work wise). I've been working 11 hour days to do what needs to be done. So, even though my boss seems as if she cares, I'm still being held to certain standards. I guess that's only fair right? I'm petrified to lose my job though.
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DEH369, You are on FMLA. I would suggest that you follow the appropriate process and advise him or HR of when you plan to return. That should be a fairly straight forward email to write. He does need to know this. And it will allow you to cut that tie and not have to worry about him for that period of time. You are very emotional right now, for good cause, so in order to focus on your grief, cut the tie. FMLA can be taken intermittently or consecutively, plan what is best for you. Also, FMLA is unpaid leave. My prior employer tried to have managers tell employees it was better to take them concurrent with vacation to retain the income. If I had the savings, I would not take them concurrently, such that I would have more time for my emergency.

My suggestion is that you just answer his question, so he can make the appropriate plans to cover your work in your absence and in doing so just get him out of your mind.

Best of luck in this difficult time.
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DEH369, I am very sorry that you have been through such a thing with your boss while taking care of your mom. A long time ago, I had a similar experience as yours. I did not have any support from co-workers. Subsequently, he terminated me It was such a long time ago, and it does not matter to me anymore. I agree with ismiami, "just answer his question. I hope everything will work out.
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my boss is a relentless ass and i hate him.
( self employed )
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Your boss may be in violation of the FMLA by contacting you for how long you will be out. Did you give a specific time frame? Does your place of work have a Human Resource department? Communication between employer and employee is important, but if you have given a specific time frame on how long you will be out, he is in violation of the law by contacting you.
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Bosses have business to run. They're not required to take a personal interest in their employees. If they do, great. Makes for a nice workplace, but if they don't, well, that's business.

The morning my dad died I called my boss to let her know because I was scheduled that day. They all knew my dad was dying. So I called and told her that my dad had died. Her response? "So you can't work today?" I was appalled and now I deal with her as little as possible. While I don't expect my boss to give a rat's patootie about my personal life I also don't expect that kind of callousness and insensitivity.
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The first year I dealt with my dad's' amputation was really rough. I had not told my boss, I he is 4 hours away from me and I was working my projects in the daytime and doing all my reports, calls and other "keyboard" work from the hospital, I was exhausted. My boss was a type A personality. He had jumped on me about something that I had dropped the ball on, a couple of days later I saw him at a business show and face to face confided what I was juggling. He was very understanding and supportive from that point forth. in hindsight I should have been more upfront.

A year later the competition tried to recruit me, I turned it down stating my company was behind me when I needed them and I did not even consider the change.

Havign once managed an organization of 112 people reporting up to me, I know how difficult accomodating people's problems can be. Organizations these days are very lean so long term absences often mean others have to absorb work. I also know how appreciative people are when it is done with compassion.
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Hi to my favorite contributor to this site. I have dealt with the BS you are, but not for the same reasons. I have a disability, so I haven't worked for awhile. But my last boss I refer to as the Wicked Witch of the West. I suffer from chronic migraines and was written up (instead of being informed I could apply for the American for Disabilities Act), since I worked at a law firm. And I think people are very ignorant about the stress of caregiving. It is the most stressful thing you can do (especially on top of a job). I think you should contact Human Resources to arrange that you will be in and out because your boss is obviously a heartless jerk. Any employer I have worked for has always been compassionate. I got time off when my BFFs sister was sick & passes, as well as when my Grandmother died. I am sorry you are experiencing such a lack of humanity. What a creep! My Mom is in the hospital right now, and I don't spend a lot of time at the hospital (she's delusional right now), but even that is exhausting. Big kisses and hugs. And I hope your boss breaks both his legs so he won't be able to function for awhile.
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