My mean mother (made mean by age and health problems) continues to mentally
abuse me. I'm cussed at and talked mean to daily. The latest happened this morning. I had a new furnace/ac installed last fall and the furnace is not kicking on properly when the thermostat is raised. I had it checked and a replacement part has been ordered. My mother insists that I broke the furnace because I raised/lowered the temperature on the thermostat. I've been called a son of a bitch many times over this. She insists that I broke the furnace and has not waved from this......it's my fault that it's not working. Yesterday evening I tried to get away for a few hours. I left at 5:30 pm and returned at 7:50. When I left, my mother immediately went and locked herself in her room. She is afraid of everything! When I came home she came out of her room as I entered the house. I was immediately was called a son of a bitch for leaving those few hours. As I have told you folks before, I am in a crazy controlled environment. I'm living with a bitter old woman who (has always been a worry wart) has developed into someone who is insanely frightful of someone "getting her".....of a crook breaking in and harming her. It is craziness! But hey......this is my life......just another day in paradise!
debralee - I agree with you and I have given ultimatums occasionally. They do have an effect if you follow through, though mother is still difficult to deal with.
mover2 - why do you feel guilty about your mum being on meds that calm her? Surely her life is better and so is yours, She may have an imbalance of brain chemicals and the meds could be righting that balance. My mother was prescribed a meds for paranoia and her anxiety decreased considerably. I don't see anything to feel guilty about if your mum's quality of life has improved.
roscoe - why don't you start building some good memories in your life?
Go to your room (install a lock if you have to) and give yourself time to calm down. Find out (if you have the time) about elder resources so maybe you can get someone to come in and help. I would lose my mind if we didn't have caregivers. I also try to remind myself "she has a disease & her brain is dying," to remain calm, but it is still hard to take.
I don't know if your Mom has Dementia (it sounds possible), so I disagree with Debralee. The Alzheimer's Association says you can NEVER win an argument with someone with Dementia, and giving someone ultimatums isn't going to work. She will either not care (because she thinks she is always right) or forget what you say -- believe me, I know that for a fact. Also, as I've seen others suggest, get her to the doctor and get her on some meds to help with her aggressive attitude & have her tested for Dementia.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm looking into assisted living communities because I just can't handle it much longer. And that is going to be hell because the only way she will go is kicking and screaming. Not to mention the guilt I feel for even considering it.
I'm working really hard to not allow my Mom to suck my soul dry with. All her anger & hatefulness. But it is really hard. Do your best to reach out for support and do not give her the power to hurt you. She is sick & doesn't realize she is sick. My Mom's been in denial for 2 years. Contact me anytime. I'm pretty good at doing research if you need help.
I will not live with mom and you don't need to live with your mother either. She sounds as if she needs medications and you need your own space.
sry to hear of your struggles. My dad is negative and unhappy but he is at a nursing home and to me that is part of what is paid for. :) LOL
However you don't mention anything about a diagnosis for your mom. It is common for demented patients to get increasingly nasty to those around them. you cannot argue with them because they truly don't understand what is happening to them or around them. A strategy I evolved when visiting my mother, is that if she starts verbally abusing me, I remove myself from the room. Then, a few minutes later, she wonders where I am, and I only see her again if she agrees to be pleasant. This works for at least a few minutes, but I'm not living with her and I doubt it would work over such an extended amount of time as you are around your own mother.
I strongly suggest you be very open with your mother's doctor about her behavior. See if there is a caregiver's support network of some kind in your city, and talk with them about what local options you may have (respite, residential care, etc.)
It makes you feel like you are going crazy, but you are not. You are not the problem here, but you are the only one who can look for a solution since your Mom is incapable. Do you have a sibling or cousin who could care for her for a time so you can get a break? And if you are feeling desperate and worried about your own behavior or thoughts, talk to your own doctor right away.
Good luck, and let me know how you are doing.
To this day, she still throws things at me and yells at me constantly. Anything that is wrong, is completely my fault. I do NOT engage. As soon as she starts acting like a nuthouse, I walk out of the room and don't come back. (I used to do this when she lived me with, as well) Drives her nuts, but she eventually cools down and wants to be "awesome" mommy again a few hours later. However, even if she is in awesome mommy mode - she still spreads lies and insults me to anyone who will listen. Hence, I keep my distance.
Also, when she was living with me...I didn't just "give her a few minutes". I turned on a baby monitor and left her alone to do her own thing for an hour or two (watching tv, reading, etc). I didn't need to HOVER over her when she was acting like that. If she wasn't being fed, changed, bathed, given prescriptions...then I wasn't needed. A baby monitor helped me because I could walk around the house and do what I wanted to do, all the while making sure she was okay. As soon as she started cursing at my kids was when I drew the line and put her in a home. She would actually call them into her room just to yell at them over some perceived slight!
It sucks that this is how it has to be, but my family and I come first. Anyone that treats me or my children like that, no matter the circumstances, can stew in their own hate for a while by themself!
I suggest getting your mother into a facility. Either assisted living or a nursing home.
You win an award for persistence. You keep doing the same thing over and over. If you want a different result, try doing something different.
To the newcomers - We are a little hard on Roscoe because we've known him for a while. We want him to recognize that he has the power to make changes in his life, that he doesn't have to be a victim.
You: "Why yes, I AM!"
Exit stage right.