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6 7 8 9 10
on the topic of plane crashes.

stand-up comedian (man):

Everybody’s like, “Yeah…of course planes are crashing!…Yeah, well, because the pilots are all FEMALE, that’s why…Female pilots…Females can’t fly planes.”

stand-up comedian (man):

I don’t want to get into that narrative. I don’t think that it’s that women can’t fly. I think it’s that they can’t land.
(2)
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When you get testy, remember this helpful joke:
Men are only good for one thing. And how important IS parallel parking anyway?
(3)
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stand-up comedian:

This woman walked up to her husband and said, “Darling, I had a dream about my birthday. And in the dream, I dreamt about earrings, a bracelet and a necklace. What do you think that means?”

And he said, “Just wait till your birthday!!”

Then on her birthday, he gave her a package. She opened it and it was a book: “How to Interpret Dreams”.
(4)
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stand-up comedian (man):

I had a busy week. I finally got GPS. I got the cheapest one they had. Just a woman’s voice telling me to pull over and ask for directions.
(4)
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Caregiving tools:

You need a cell phone? Get one.
A computer/chromebook? Get one.
Don't be cheap about it.

It may no longer be acceptable or sustainable to sacrifice so much to caregive for
the person needing care, but they HAVE everything they need.

I-Phone
5 Computers
12 remotes
20 earbuds

It is okay to take care of business.
E v e r y t h i n g d o e s n o t h a v e t o b e e q u a l,
but one person should not be suffering going without.

I am the equalizer bunny today.
(3)
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😉
Live each day like it's your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.
(3)
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😇🍋🍋🍋
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
(3)
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🥰🙂
Don’t hate Monday.
Make Monday hate you.
(3)
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Why you should never order animal food on Amazon...they want your feedback in a couple days.
(3)
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same stand-up comedian:

The good thing about dating a woman my age…is that I don’t need to worry about meeting her parents.
(3)
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same stand-up comedian:

I took a quiz on the internet, “What’s your spirit animal?”

I got: extinct.
(1)
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stand-up comedian (he’s about 85 years old):

I joined a dating site, for people my age…called carbon dating.
(1)
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Some people need a shock collar
and I need the remote.
(4)
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🙂
I can only be nice to one person
a day.
Today is not your day.
(4)
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When your "mom voice" is so loud
even the neighbours brush their teeth and get dressed.
(3)
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🥰🙂
It's OK if you don't like me.
Not everyone has good taste.
(2)
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🙂 i already told this joke months ago. but i'm re-posting:

I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get "saved" or else you will "burn".

Stupid firemen.
(5)
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Long story short (phrase)

Turns out I will tell an entire fully detailed story.
(2)
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Engineer:
I try to make things idiot-proof. But they keep making better idiots.
(3)
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🙂
The most common cause of stress nowadays is
daily contact with idiots.
(2)
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😉
The problem with stupidity is that it doesn’t always recognize itself.
(3)
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🙂
I don't need an inspirational quote. I need a snack and a nap.
(4)
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🙂
I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.
(2)
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🙂
I'm not talking to myself. I'm having a parent-teacher conference with my inner child.
(2)
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😉
The nicest thing about self-love is that it’s hardly ever unrequited.
(2)
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🥰😉
You need to have a life. Have fun.
Then ruin it by having a serious relationship.
(1)
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🥰😉
A man finds love and is satisfied.
A woman finds love and insists on turning it into happiness.
(2)
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🙂🥰
It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
(2)
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stand-up comedian:

My neighbour told me that mediating for 40 minutes every morning has changed his life.

He’s late for work, he lost his job, his wife left him, huge changes.
(1)
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Shortest horror story:
Monday
(1)
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6 7 8 9 10
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