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I realize that this is a trivial caregiver issue. But as a caregiver, I've been getting a bit sad lately that I can't ever wear my nicer clothes at home because they'll inevitably get stained and ruined fast. I'm not talking about designer clothing, sometimes I just want to look presentable to myself. Sometimes I want to feel uplifted and wear something pretty at home. But wearing jeans and sweats and T-shirts and and tennis shoes seems to have become my daily drab uniform. I'm so tired of looking as run down as I feel.



Besides the usual caregiver self-care routine of enough sleep, good nutrition, exercise, occasional outings for fun - how do you manage to look okay to yourself while you're actively caregiving? Is it even possible?



Should I lower my expectations about this, too?



Thanks in advance for your thoughts about this.

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What about getting “ fixed up “
at home for a “ date “ with hubby ?

Order a nice meal to be delivered , be dressed the way you want to dress even if it’s only for a couple of hours . Set the table alittle nicer, put on some music . And you didn’t have to cook !
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I was thinking about this just yesterday. Not so much in relation to caregiving but anything that takes you away from yourself.

For instance, new mothers always look harrassed, worn down. People studying for exams. People who work long hours.

If you are putting yourself out there for someone or something, appearance seems to take a back seat. I used to spend a fair amount of time primping in front of the mirror. Then caring for mom happened. Then she died and depression happened. My looks started to seem very unimportant. There's a part of me that still wants to primp but now at age 62 (which is by no means ancient, don't get me wrong) I just find it all too much effort. As long as I'm still cleansing and moisturizing, I find swiping a bit of powder and lipstick is about all I can face.

Don't follow my example. If you can manage it, primp a bit. But also give yourself a break too.
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May I ask what you’re doing for respite? Do you have caregivers that can stay with your husband when you go out? And I don’t mean to run to the grocery store or pharmacy. My respite time was when my husband was at dialysis—that’s when I would pay more attention to my appearance and go to coffee or lunch with friends. Without that, I would have hired caregivers, at least periodically.

Sorry, just realized I misread your question. On a daily basis, I would always put on blush so that I looked alive lol and maybe a little tinted lip balm. If you have some simple jewelry that won’t get in the way of caregiving duties, take a moment and put it on and then enjoy looking at it. It’s also easy to throw on a nicer top just for dinner, don’t worry about the shorts and tennies underneath! And speaking of underneath, you can always wear some pretty undergarments.
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My DH is an attractive man of 72. VERY attractive, I will say, Women hit on him all the time.

However, this last year, caring for his mother until her death in February has aged him 10 years. His hair became totally white and his skin is a grey-toned as opposed to his year round golf tan.

He looks miserable all the time. Even tho MIL is gone, he is still stuck in 'depressed' mode.

IDK what to do for him or about him. It makes me sad, b/c he doesn't want to DO anything or go anywhere. He rarely smiles and if he sits down anywhere, he's sound asleep in minutes, no matter where we are.

It's just so sad. He's losing out on the last years of his life and I can't do or say anything to help him. Refuses counseling and any kind of therapy. Just sleeps all day, day after day.

It's been 4 months since MIL died and he has gotten a lot worse, mood wise. I know grieving can be a very long process, but he's actually worse than he was 4 months ago.

He's making no attempt to deal with his emotions. Just sleeping. And binge watching terrible TV shows.
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Thank you for the helpful replies about the little things we caregivers can do for ourselves on a daily basis that lift our spirits.

I start thinking about how to make life even better when my caregiving situation isn't in crisis mode, when things are more stable, when I have a tiny bit of energy, when the general outlook looks sunnier....

P.S. @MidKid, I just saw your post....I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on with your husband. Sounds like he's suffering deeply with grieving and depression, which of course causes you much anguish to witness.

I think I'd seek counselling for some experienced advice about how best to help my husband. (Otherwise I'd be circling down the old familiar rabbit hole... depleting my own energy from chasing my own tail trying to figure out what the heck to do to solve this.) LO needs professional help to recover from this major loss and hopefully a skilled and respected counsellor of some sort (social worker, mental health practitioner, therapist, possibly even your primary care physician) can provide guidance regarding how to get your husband to agree to engage in therapy and/or meds to get through this period as smoothly as possible.

Sending good wishes.
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I feel the same way. Never wear makeup anymore, always in stretch pants and tshirt and generally have given up on me. I so understand your feelings. I just try to get through each day with my husband who has Parkinson’s.
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I love Midwest’s response to your question.

What are you doing, if anything, for respite? You sound very depressed.

You are probably running on an empty tank.

Stop, refuel, nourish yourself with something just for you. It’s not a luxury. It’s a necessity when you are running out of fuel.

Do you have any outside help? Have you been in contact with Council on Aging in your area?

Start there. They will help guide you through the caregiving process. Please be honest with them and let them know that you need help.

Keep us posted. We care.
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Rx
You must make time to shower daily and wash your hair.
Moisturize, repeat the next day.

If you can do this, the answers will come.

Seems simple.
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I have ALWAYS ignored that old woman in the mirror.
She DOES follow me EVERYWHERE.
As to mirrors in the house? I might be Sitting Shiva, so well they are gone or covered.
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I’d already adopted a bare minimum hair and makeup routine. We don’t live a very exciting life in a pretty small town. I don’t need to dress up for the grocery shop. I do always bathe. Wear perfume. I only dress nicely for big city Dr appts w mother or social events/ holidays. I manage to walk a mile most days with my favorite music in my ear buds. That’s the biggest help. That said, I was just prescribed Prozac for the horrible anxiety. When I told my provider what’s behind it, she said “that’s a lot of life going on”
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At sixty six years old going on sixty seven, I settled for nice jeans and nice tops when going out. I wear uniforms and tennis shoes anyway. For me, I stopped coloring my hair, so I'm invested in an assortment of wigs. LOL My clients got a kick out of the wigs. Actually, I have them to match the type of uniform I'm wearing. I've kept a couple out that I wear on a regular.

I wear light make-up. For us golden gals, less is more. I don't dig for jewelry any longer except for my large hoop earrings, a watch and a pinky ring when I'm going out. I don't need to overdo it if I'm wearing one of my fancier type wigs.

Church is usually informal. So, I don't overdress for that either even though I have nice dresses left over from my office job and heels. The sidewalks are so uneven, I'm afraid of falling.
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Thanks for the replies.

Well....of course I'm depressed (aren't we all?!) But I'm not spiralling or in crisis mode - far from it. I have numerous little teeny mini quasi happy moments every day which I cherish. I'm grateful for just about anything and everything that's not an emergency.

But you're right; I really do need a "real" respite, a total break from the daily grind. Thankfully, I have a fabulous caregiver who comes here for hubby 5 days a week for 5 hours a day. This helps tamp down the burnout process to a low simmer.

At 74 (and a half!) I'm pretty beat. I haven't had an actual full day off in 4 years. What I need/want/dream of is to put my husband in respite care at a decent nursing facility for about a week, and I need to go somewhere affordable yet beautiful and peaceful....sigh....sounds simply wonderful, doesn't it?

But whenever I actually start planning this, the cost just harshes my mellow (sorry, I'm a boomer). Husband needs 24/7 care -$$$$$$$$$$$$, Would have to be self pay - no other options (and believe me I've researched this thoroughly). On top of the self pay for hubby's respite care, I'd be paying for my own week away. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
I don't think staying at home while husband is at respite would give me any sense of respite. So I'm looking for a nearby hotel/motel/airbnb/bed&breakfast, etc, plus evaluating the cost of food $$$$$$$ (and NO I WON'T COOK during this week). No trains or planes - that cuts down the cost. a little.

I think I'm just too tired to make good plans and go on the darned vacation. (Maybe I'll hitch a ride on rh's upcoming cruise to Alaska, you know which forum poster I'm referring to, right? The one who is taking his wife with dementia on a cruise and wanted our advice and then he kind if ignored our advice.)

And about that person in the mirror...she's looking worse every day. It's so hard to add self-grooming stuff into my routine when everything else takes 110% of my energy.

Apologies for the wallowing in self pity - but waaaahhhhh!
(sound of baby crying).
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LostinPlace, I've been thinking about how you could get affordable respite.. I guess start with the most local, easy to get to Care Homes that offer Respite. Get the costing. Call your council maybe & see if ANY kind of Gov funding help is available for carers?

Your week away.. no planes or long drives. Do you have a Seniors Centre? Would they run or know about any package tours for seniors? Or would you prever complete solo time?

I took a frugal holiday one time.. Stayed in an Air BnB in an un-touristy town, art gallery & museums were free/low cost. Lovely gardens, free. No cooking! I treated myself to hot lunches at cafes then cold supermarket packet food for dinner. Much cheaper than dinners out - plus I could avoid being out alone at night.
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I'm looking for a moisturizer that hides the fact that I've been tired since 2010...
;)
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venting,

I kid you not , I love it when I need to wear sunglasses . Everyone looks better with sunglasses on.
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Olday for caregivers is more like it .
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Hi Beatty,

Thanks for your suggestions. Could you please be more specific about "Care Homes for Respite"? Are you referring to some sort of Board & Care arrangement, an assisted living facility, or a skilled nursing facility..? Or is there something else out there I should know about that might be an option for him?

The reason I ask is because my husband would need a skilled nursing facility for respite. His needs are beyond what an assisted living facility can provide. Ditto a board and care home is out of the question. DH needs to be under the care of a skilled professional caregiver, not just someone to chat with him or make him meals.

I've contacted most of the local skilled nursing facilities and they won't take respite care reservations in advance. That means I can't make any advance travel reservations for myself at a hotel or a bed & breakfast either.

Arranging in-home 24/7 respite care with with the in-home caregiver agencies would cost more than a skilled nursing facility.

I'm aware that DH qualifies for placement in a long term care facility, but my husband isn't ready for that, and neither am I. I can see that it'll happen sooner or later, but DH and I hope it will be later. Much later.

So I guess respite care isn't going to happen without a very complicated and expensive plan - which I'm too tired to figure out because I need respite care.

haha
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Lost, sorry if my generic 'Care Home' term is not helpful.

Whilst being on this forum has taught me the difference between Board & Care, Assisted Living & Skilled Nursing Homes, I am in Australia & our terms differ. Newer guildlines mean each Residental Aged Care Home should offer permanent living but also short term stays (after a hospital stay or for family respite). At any care need level.

In reality it can take a ring around to find an available bed for the time needed. My Mother has had respite stays ar several local places now. Costs varied too.

Without being able to pre-book a Skilled Nursing Bed..? Couldn't that lead to LOs being dropped at an ER (aka Granny/Gramps Dump) when family need a break or travel away?

The alternative like you say, 24/7 care at home.. just too much $$$. Plus ensuring staff were trained & could handle the LO's needs. Too much stress +++

It seems very unfair to me you cannot pre-book & take a break.. I guess it is not cost efficient to hold a bed empty awaiting a possible booking.

May you find ways to add some extra little pieces of joy into your daily life ✨️ 🤗
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I've learned to love that old woman in the mirror (me). I'll be 68 next month, my beloved hubby passed away last year, and now I'm here taking care of my 96yr old Dad who has moderate/severe LB Dementia. So, I've learned to relax about it all. It is what it is. We're all Comfortable, Safe, and Clean here in our home. It's a lot - It's a whole lot! I know. But, I've learned this past year to be gentle with myself. I have little to no help - so It's just me, myself, and I. I call the grays sprouting madly on my head my little streaks of silver star dust. I don't put any make-up on much any longer. I do bathe daily (when Dad is sleeping) and I walk out in the garden as much as I can to get my Vit D from the Sun. We live off a river - I grew up here - so this is huge for me. I meditate, get my 10,000+ steps in per day and hardly ever watch the tv (no news, especially), I listen to soft gentle music, and breathe deeply when I'm extra stressed. I guess what I'm trying to say is just be gentle with yourself while you're going through this phase of life. Be gentle. Do what makes you feel good - even if it's just putting a pretty top on or a bit of perfume - just do it! You deserve it! Take care.
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I agree Mamacrow ,

Ive noticed that just putting on a blouse instead of a TShirt and a dab of cologne makes me feel better . It’s not much effort . I had stopped buying any decent blouses because I didnt go anywhere worthy . But now once a week I put one on even if I’m staying home .
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I can understand how you feel. I don't have advice but I can say your not alone with your feelings. I am a caregiver for my ex husband and his Mother. I also find myself wanting to look half way decent not for others but for myself. Don't feel you can't take time to give yourself the extra care you need. My experience is no one is going to rescue me so I have to take the time to make myself feel better. I wish you luck and hope you take the time to do what's best for you to keep your own sanity during these difficult times. Just remember your not alone with your feelings.
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My thoughts exactly. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. Six years of caregiving and now being sued after mom died by my brother has take a toll. I never knew “family” could be so heartless.
Lawyer fees are eating up our meager savings. I kept mom out of nursing home for this?
I just keep hoping my life will return to some semblance of normal. Exercising is more difficult now. I can’t fit in my normal clothes. So if you find the answer I hope I see it.
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I know my looks have changed. I'm actually embarrassed to go to the store etc sometimes. All I wear are jeans, pants and tee shirts unless I'm going to church. I have got to work on myself.
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We've all got to be less hard on ourselves though. Not saying it's good to let oneself go but I swear if someone said to me the things I say to myself when I look in the mirror sometimes I'd probably hit them.

I've always been really self critical and now that I'm in my sixties I'm really trying to be more gentle with myself. Yeah, it's all not as firm as it once was but that's life. I used to never leave the house without full makeup on. What a burden that was.

Take care of your health. That's the most important thing. The looks thing? Ah well.................
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Dear Caregiver, I feel your pain and frustration. I am caring for a husband that has had 2 strokes and 5 heart bypasses and has undiagnosed dementia. We are constantly at odds with each other because he cannot be pleased. He sleeps all day and is awake all night. He has severe anxiety and will walk the floors until he is exhausted and begins to fall. Just the stress of dealing with him and the lack of sleep has made me look older than I am. Like you I never wear anything nice anymore and I never put on makeup or style my hair. I just don’t see the point but I do understand how you feel.
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Someone told me I got more lines on my face after my Dad passed…yup not at all what anyone needs to hear.

I made up a saying I’ll share now: ‘ being practically dressed for the situation/event/weather is sexy’. Why not! Isn’t it??

Years ago I also described my look as ‘frazzled chic’, which has stuck and has become my signature style for sure.

And I do love painted toenails! That’s my big fun grooming pleasure. Don’t always have lovely painted toenails but getting a pedicure and looking down at the results gives me a boost. Happy toes.

Cheers, everybody!
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I describe my look as "old hag". I've seen it before when I was long term caregiving and grieving. I do not want to see that person in the mirror and I am trying to get enough sleep, eat right, rest, not stress....all the things you need to do. Even with all that, it's hard not to see the stress of life show up physically. When you go out away from caregiving, wear your nice clothing and put on makeup. I will tell you that the exhausted person you see in the mirror will go away once the stressful conditions are over. It takes time, but you can recognize yourself again in time.
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Get a care agency to do a couple of hours on a Monday once a month and then book an hour's massage at your local spa or health centre, a full body massage with citrus aromatherapy oils to uplift. It may be your local Care Community will fund it, or your council. Mine did. You will feel two feet taller, relaxed and able to face the rest of the day. You will also feel more positive and therefore able to address things for you like diet. My local health centre had a vegetarian cafe that treating myself to delicious homemade brunch after the massage made me change my eating habits generally. The knock on effect will be your appearance. You will feel and look more radiant. You will walk taller. Just a couple of hours to do this will make a difference. And yes, then it is back to the seemingly endless task of caring... but it will help. Just my experience.
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I go to church to wear the clothes I would like to wear more often but the activity of the day doesn't warrant that. Then I come home and change into sweats (usually after a trip to Costco where I am still wearing my church clothes).

At Costco I notice others not dressed that nicely although recently there was a mother there with her two sons and husband and she was beautifully dressed so there are exceptions.
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I have noticed more dressy clothes in Kohl’s . Don’t have anywhere to wear it though . Men don’t wear suits much anymore either . I remember my DH wore a suit to work everyday early in our marriage . Now he wears jeans unless he has an important meeting or he’s presenting. But even then , no suit anymore. Slacks and a dress shirt , maybe a tie and blazer .
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