To SACRIFICE my entire self. Not all at once, just piece by piece, while siblings do and say many things, but they make sure they keep THEIR Lives.Even in the face of what it's doing to me, the sacrifices I've made, it's like these sibs Threw me other the bus and could care less.I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. What is this brainwashed crap that runs through my veins.How did *I* become the sacrificial lamb?Why? Because I have a heart? Because I'm the only one who gives a hoot? Or are THOSE thoughts part of the brainwashing?All I know is I'm caring for this woman who's 94She browbeat my father until he passed in '20 (she caused him to disappear, barely came out of his room. Died having no friends of his own.) NM did that to him. Demonized him to all of us. Now, by some narcissistic black magic she managed to get me to fill his spot.After 4 years I can attest to what my father went through, because now I'm floating in this same toxic sh*t that STEALS YOUR SOUL...And somehow, I can't leave. She's brainwashed me from a child to be dependent on her.When will she pass away? Horrible thoughts. It's like I've become 2 people. Love and Hate.
I will say really, that as an adult you have choices.
We all make our own choices.
No one is responsible for your choices: Not your siblings and not your elders.
YOU ARE.
You are describing yourself as a victim when you write such things as "thrown under a bus" and "sacrificial lamb".
You say that you are here because you "have a heart". Sorry, but so do we all, even those of us who recognized that attempting care for someone who never cared for us would be a mistake on our own parts.
The fastest way to healing begins with your accepting that no one did this to you, and that you have made choices that are not working for you, and will have to move on to making better choices.
I wish you the best, but you have decisions to make, and no one can make them for you.
You are not going to want to hear that.
You are going to want to be angry about hearing that.
But if anger remains your "go to" on the emotional scale you have no hope for recovery. Anger hurts no one so much as the one who is angry.
I would suggest a really good therapist to work with for a path out of this morass.
I truly do wish you the best.
You're an adult. So start acting like one. Drop the poor, brainwashed martyr act and get your act together. Your life is important too and you have value as a human being. You deserve to have a life just as much as everyone else.
You basically have two choices here.
1) Maintain the status quo by continuing in caregiver martyrdom and remain a care slave who is dependent on your mother for support. You deserve better than this.
2) Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself like an adult. Put YOUR needs first and the most important need you have right now is getting a job so you can financially support yourself. This should be the number one priority in your life. When you have found gainful employment, look for a different place to live.
If your mother has to go into a care facility, so be it. You have to look out for yourself and take responsibility for your life because no one else is going to.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I see a little of me in you, you are on the edge of a cliff, we are here to help you off the edge.
Many people come into this forum because there disfuctional families have broken them.
They broke me, I'm a Aging care, success story. I promise life can be good again. I didn't think there was light at the end of the tunnel, this forum sent me a little lite, to help lead me out. It took me a while, but I found it.
We can help lead you out too, but we need more information, if you could go to the profile page and fill that out, it would help .
Your take care of your mom. For how long? Full time, part time, do you live with her, her health condition.
Id advise you to get your emotions in check, and come back when your calm and can explain things better,
Let yourself off the hook where you've put your body to hang. It's time now.
Good luck.