My MIL lives with us and she has never liked me. Actually from looking at her past I think she dislikes ALL women! Even her two daughters. It’s been a nightmare. My husband is the only one out of five children who is willing to care for her. He works 10-12 hrs a day and then when he’s home he cares for his mom. She is bedridden and in diapers. It’s an impossible situation!
You have allowed this to happen. How to go about it now is another question. You may have to sit the husband down and tell him that this is not working for you, and that you will not be continuing to do it. That he has a period of time (month or two) to arrange Mom's movement for care or you yourself will be moving. I would first do some division of assets in checking accounts so that I cannot be frozen out of them, because a man that would allow this to happen might do anything imho.
I wish you luck. You will have to start making some decisions for yourself. Or not.
Can you take a week's vacation?
You will then have a better view of what is possible without you.
Yesterday, I prepared a meal, asked my dH to serve himself. He went without eating, would not move away from his computer. (OCD). At midnight, I was serving him his vitamins and food. Or, I could have left on a vacation because he doesn't like it when I speak.
Nothing is impossible, I do understand how we feel obligated, but, to be caregiver and mistreated? I am just getting started on how frustrated it is how many caregivers are treated badly. My husband thanks me, buys me flowers, gift cards to my fav stores, nice dinners etc. Does anybody say thank you for your hard work, or take you out for dinner or shows appreciation in any way. Start venting and demanding.
Maybe your husband should work less and then take care of Mom more, maybe you find a job and independence and find caregiver for daytime?
Sorry I have many questions.. to think about..
Firstly, was MIL more independant when she moved in? Her care needs increasing over time? Now blowing out..? Or was this 'the deal' from the start?
"My husband is the only one out of five children who is willing to care for her".
The siblings all stepped back.
What are HIS reasons for stepping forward?
Surely not because he's the only one or the siblings nominated him..?
Your DH chose to provide this care in a live-in way.
Why? Do family always have to provide housing for family? How does he feel about other care options ie Assisted Living, Memory Care, NHs?
DH also chose to do the hands-on care himself + also by yourself (hopefully you made a willing choice, rather than any pressure or guilting).
Could the care, or some, be done by paid aides in your home?
So that's a big pile of questions for you DH really. Just why did he chose to do this?
Moving on to now: Time to reassess. Is this still working - for all of you? No. Not for you!
Leaving whether MIL likes you or not aside, she may or may not... She may hate being dependant, old, not in her own house.. I don't know.. she may be depressed, miserable, in pain, ill, demented, anything.
So, to the future. Is there realistic hope your MIL will improve/recover/not be bedridden & incontinent?
What's the longer term plan for when her needs outweigh what family can do?
*Coz you may be there*.
Do you want to continue?
Would you continue with more help? Or are you done & want her gone elsewhere?
What do you WANT to happen?
I have to give DH credit that he cares for Mom once he is home. But working the hours he does and caring for her has to burning him out.
Its time to place Mom. Take any money she has and use it for her care. When u get down to 3 months of funds, you apply for Medicaid.
I am caring for my mother Mary, who is -12 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, incontinence, and mobility problems.
If your DH works upwards of 12 hours a day, and also needs time to sleep, how is he finding time to 'care for his mom' ?? Sounds to me like that job is falling on YOU, when the woman doesn't like you and you don't want to be caring for her at all! Plus, where does that leave the state of your marriage?
If this were me, I'd be having the Come to Jesus meeting with DH now and letting him know it's time to place mom in managed care where she can be cared for 24/7 by professionals. It's past time for that, in my opinion. Anyone who's bed bound, incontinent and suffering from ALZ/dementia has crossed the line where in-home care is now too much to handle.
Good luck!