Expectations.
I am trying so hard not to place my expectations on others. I have told my daughters DH and I have put away money so that we have the option to go into AL if need be or hire someone. At 85 my girls will still be in their 50s with jobs to support themselves. I do not expect them to care physically for me and have told them that. I would like to think they will be there if I need them. Told them not to forget me. If possible, include me in birthday and holiday parties.🙂
I spent Sunday to Thurs with a childhood friend and her sister. Just girl time, really nice. During that time we got on growing older (GF and I are 74) and having our children caring for us. I said I don't expect my girls to care for me. My GF says "my boys better care for me". This comes from someone who has never cared for anyone but her children. Her parents and sister moved South when her Dad retired, 7 hrs away. Her husbands Mom chose to go to and AL. Her sister kept quiet. She was there for their parents, taking her Dad in when Mom passed. Her in-laws lived next door, she helped with the grandmother, and the MIL who had mental problems. All while holding down a f/t job as a CNA. Because of the MILs mental illness she took in grandmom before Dad. Then she started having heart problems caused by...the stress of caring for too many people. Grandmom went back home and she cut back on what she was doing for her Mom.
I find the people who don't expect are happier people. I find that when people have certain expectations of others and those others don't meet those expectations, those people are not happy people.
I want to be a happy person.
There are few truths more profound than this. Keeping this in my mind has helped me a lot. But I have to consciously practice it whenever I feel an expectation starting to take hold. I have to recognize the expectation. My faith helps me to give up on expectations. I relinquish the hoped-for outcomes to God so that He can work it out for me. Yes, I'm a much happier person when I practice this.
I agree with your approach.
I think that the more things we write out now when in a good state of mind, the more helpful it will be to our kids. We DONT write down expectations!
We just write down things that we may "ideally" like/ prefer. Eg,
"when needed, move me out of my home into an appropriate assisted living environment. I would prefer a smaller size assisted living (5-20 residents), rather than a large facility. "
and/or
"please do bring me to the family Xmas gathering for as many years as its reasonable".
things like that. The more preferences we put in writing now, the better for our kids, in my opinion. These can be put in our living will/ official documents ideally, or even in a casual / less formal document given to our kids ? I just have 1 son, so there is not a risk of siblings disagreeing on things.....
the key word are these are our "preferences" being expressed from now. NOT stating out "expectations". ....
Right now, I am recuperating from torn rotator cuff surgery, so I am very limited in what I can do around the house. My husband has picked up the yeoman's share of the work, but I also expect my son, who still lives with us, to pitch in somewhat while I'm temporarily laid up. I think while he's living under my roof, that's not an unreasonable expectation. I don't expect him to take a leave of absence from his job to stay home and cater to my every whim. That would be unreasonable.
I didn't find my mom to have unreasonable expectations about what she needed me to do while I was taking care of her; but I did find many members of her medical team to have them. At least in my case, it was the medicos that seemed to expect that I should be willing to give up my life- or at the very least, puy it on hold indefinitely - because I was her caregiver.
My parents raised me that we (my brother and I) were to fly the nest, make our own lives, and NEVER CONSIDER returning to care for my parents. They saved all their lives to make themselves safe. They moved to a "Village" sort of a place (John Knox Village in Missouri) that started with duplex or home and you could move to apartments, then to assisted living, and then finally to full care if needed. I lived in California. They lived in Missouri.
I have always spoken with my daughter, and she knows she is NEVER under any circumstances to consider caring for or living with me. It is she who occ. mentions "Little house" option, and etc. We treasure our time together. For me, that is a no.
When you ask your child to be your caregiver you LOSE your child and gain a caregiver. I have never seen it lead to happiness. Not ever. I have an aunt who took on the care of the grandparents from BOTH side of the family. A crucible that her children suffered through, and that made her an old woman in a hairnet way before her time.
This is something I would never have. Never allow. And I would happily fall on a sword first.
I am afraid I also would never allow my child to move in with me. I may stake her to some cash if needed; I may allow it very temporarily, and I would spend a month or two after a surgery of some sort with her. Nothing other.
That's just me. We are all different and we all have to make our own decisions for ourselves. I only have a problem with it when people make poor decisions and then don't take responsibility for having made them.
As to those who EXPECT care from their children, I would like to let their children know that they got one selfish parent moving in with them and that their lives will likely descend into the 10th circle of hell when that parent arrives on the doorstep.
If a person decides to become a parent, it is their responsibility to raise their children properly.
Children don’t ask to be born. Nor, do they owe a debt to their parents for raising them.
I have told my daughters years ago that I do not want them to sacrifice their lives for me should I need care. My husband feels the same way.
I raised my daughters to be independent. How can they be independent if they spend their time caring for me in my old age?
If a parent doesn’t let their children know how they feel, then the children should bring up the topic with their parents. They should inform their parents that they will not be their primary caregiver.
I have a good friend of mine who said that her children told her years ago that they will place her in a nice facility when she needs caring for.
My friend is absolutely fine with going into a facility. She and I were joking about how the assisted living facilities in our area are like fancy hotels!
BTW, my son tells me he’s going to pick out a very nice nursing home for me with ferns on the front porch, and he will come twice a month to check me out to come work in his yard! Haha!
So far our current house is on one level, close to health care and shopping. We are on almost 2 acres which for now is fine but I can see that being a problem a couple of decades from now. Our master bath has one of those horrible huge garden whirlpool tubs from 1989 and that is on our renovation list to remove and turn into a walk in shower.
Eventually I would love to sell this place and move with less land and have a more walk-able neighborhood. Not sure what state I am leaning toward Summerville, SC. I do like the 4 seasons but seem to get less tolerable to the cold the older I get.
What I expect in life is to pay taxes and to die.