Follow
Share

My dad and my mother in law are a couple living with me, my husband and my only child (12 years old boy), since 2004. My dad is very helpfull, he cooks, do the garden some times and is allways ready to help. My mother in law is messy, lazy and has their bedroom packed with food and stuff that they do not need. It is very difficult to live with her and she always are ready to tell her friends and my sister in law about what ever happens at home. I do not want to live with her but I love my husband and my dad too and because of them I have been in that situation for 4 years. Now they decided to move out for a very clean and good assisted living facility but I think my dad is very depressed...I feel myself very guilty because I am hurting my dad and everybody in my family, even my husband, believes that I were pushing then to move out. I feel a real pain in my chest when I think about it...what can I do?

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

28 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
first of all lady, it is not a bad thing to want to have your life. i have been caring for my mom for over 6 years, and it is not fun at all. I have no privacy, and anything i do or say is told to anyone who will listen. Do not feel guilty, and dont let the others make you feel that way. If they think you are so bad, let them let the couple move in with them for a while. And, though maybe your dad doesnt want to leave your home, once they get to the residential living center, he will probably be quite happy. I only wish i had sent my mom to one when she was able to care for herself to an extent, which she is not able to at this point. It was not your decision for them to leave, and even if you suggested it, you have nothing to regret. YOU DESERVE YOUR HOME AND YOUR CHILD AND YOUR HUSBAND TO YOURSELF, and that is not being selfish, it is the way the world works.
(0)
Report
Thank you Shadyldy, now I am feeling better, today I was not able to be concentrated at work...God bless you!
(0)
Report
You are doing the right thing for them as well as you, your husband and child. Four years is a long time to tolerate that kind of stress, and your child can feel it, on some level. Once your MIL and your dad move, they will struggle a bit and then find friends and enjoy themselves. I think your dad will do very well, as he seems willing to try his best, whatever the circumstances. He may be a little depressed now, because he's leaving you and because change is always hard. But he will adjust and likely thrive.

Your MIL may find friends and do well, or she may have the personality of someone who refuses to be happy with any circumstances. If that is how she is, it's not your fault and not your problem. Do your best (as I'm sure you are doing) to be supportive throughout the move. Visit and talk with the administrators of the assisted living center if you see adjustments problems. Make friends with the social workers. They can help.

Do not blame yourself. You've done all you can, and more. Your health is important. Your husband will soon see how much better everyone is. This will take time, so stick to your guns, but be kind. Just keep repeating to yourself and others - they will be much better off with people on call 24 hours a day. They have their own space and can make friends with peers. This is a good move - literally.

Keep checking in. We'll be waiting to support you.
Carol
(0)
Report
Thank you Carol, I appreciate your advice, is a great help for me and my family.
(0)
Report
Please don't blame yourself, my wife and i are in a similar situation, and are looking for an assisted living home for her father. We are at our wits end all of the time, and its not getting better. we all have too much guilt over issues that we have no control over. Get your life back, you all deserve it. God Bless
David
(0)
Report
Good for you, David. You and your wife deserve it, too. Caregiver guilt is so huge, and most of us don't deserve it. We do our best, but we can't make people younger or cure incurable diseases. A human body and a human family can only do so much before splintering. Good luck in finding an assisted living home to help with the caregiving. You'll still be able to visit. Let let the paid staff do the other stuff, so your visits can be fruitful, rather than stressed.

Carol
(0)
Report
Sweetheart don't feel bad. My husband's grandfather had a strock and could not live alone. Now my husband's mother was pasted before I ever meet him, but this man had two other daughters and two other grandchildren to look after him and they do not have what we have at home. They would not touch him, and turned on us for helping him. My husband asked if we could move him in. I told him we could try it. Granddad had lost the use of his left side and could not do a good many things for himselve. He had trouble sleeping and would roam the halls trying to find the bathroom. One time my husband went in his room to find him nude just lying on the floor. I went into deeper depression and told him I could not have this. I felt so guilty, but I had to have my daughter look her door at night because I did not know if he would wonder in there. I wound up in a mential hospital and granddad was moved out.

You have to take care of you so that you can take care of your family. My favorite cartoon is a little lady walking with a basket of laundy on her head and it is raining and muddy. She looks up and says "God I know you won't put more on me than I can handle, but could you think a little less of me?" You are doing right!

In Christian Love,
Susan Myers
(0)
Report
thankyou all of you for your supportive words, that is priceless!!!
To tell you the history shortly, they are already living in the assisted living Facility. That place is great for them, because is clean, painted, decorated, full of sun light, well maintained and full of activities for their ages. They do not have to cook because they have a good balanced meal served 3 times a day in the dining room. They also do not have to wash their clothes and clean the place, once week housekeeping is coming to do the job. Is like to live in a hotel playing dominoes and cards, washing movies, exercising or going to concerts. The place is in front to a Walgreens and Publix and has a Catholic Church nearby. We helped them to move out last Friday, and we are doing whatever they need to have them comfortable and "at home". In addition, we are looking forward to decorate their two rooms and their own bathroom. They also have a living room and a kitchen to share with another person.
I also found out that my mom’s beautician (like family for us) have her daughter as the Maintenance Supervisor in that Assisted Living facility, and she was so happy to see me again (I was seventeen the last time we saw each other) and me too, what a coincidence, right? For me is as if God is in charge of the situation. She helped us a lot the day of the moving and every day she visit them to see what is going on and I am sure she will be there for them if they need her.
Now about our family and relatives:
My sister in law has not called us anymore, but she is going some times to visit them, which is good and can help them to deal with the first days of their new life. Her youngest child went to paint our Parents’ place and did it so good.
My Mother in Law is doing better than my Dad; her sister is living there since 2006, and is very popular because she plays piano like a master, so is easy for her to make friends, and she is helping to introduce them to the crew. My Mother in Law’s social life is coming back.
On the other hand every time we go see them, my Dad starts to complain about the others persons that share their dining table, or about anything no matter what. That is not his style, so I believe he does not like the place and I think too that he was expecting a “Please do not move out” from my husband and me. Now he feels himself betrayed by me, and the worse of all is that looks like I am losing him.
I hope this feeling is going to desapear with the time, but who knows. At least they are trying, if they do not like the place they know they can come back home any time. It is matter of trying and be open to the change.
(0)
Report
ladymom59,

It should get easier. She does not have you to let out her frustration out on 24/7, do you think he might be getting it now?

I will continue to pray for all of my new friends. You are going in the right direction ladymom59. Just don't let your mind think the worst, when it is so good for them to be around people that they can socialize with.

Love,
Susan
(0)
Report
Susan has a point - maybe your dad is receiving the verbal abuse you got.

But I do think he'll get better. He has to make an adjustment. Even though my mom made the decision to go to the nursing home (where my dad was), and she knew everyone there, and she needed to be there, once the move was made she was angry for a few weeks. Slowly she adjusted. Hopefully, your dad will wander about on his own and make some men friends. Are there any groups of menwith similar interests? If he were invited by a man go join in, that may help.

Anyway, you did the right thing. There was no other choice. Don't lose sight of that.

Carol
(0)
Report
Susan is right...and so is Carol, my Dad is now getting her frustration, but I also think is a little more with me. He never imagined that I would allow him to live in other place than my home. The way I see is as my grandma (my mother's side) used to live with us, he sacrificed himself and his family taking care of her and now is his turn to be spoiled and loved. I am praying hard for him, because he has been the best father for my siblings and me.
thank you my friends.
(0)
Report
Hey Ladymom59,

How are things going? I pray things are getting better for dad. Has mom made enough friends and gotten off his back yet?

I will keep praying for you and your family. You sound like you know the saying but here goes anyway, Hand it over to God and he will make it right. He will you know.

Love ya,
Susan Myers
(0)
Report
I know that you are feeling guilty, DON"T... It sounds like this was dads move right.. he sounds like he has most of his facilities in tack and can kinda take care of himself and her... you can enjoy a better relationship with them both now that they are not underfoot... your relationship with them and your husband will grow and prosper because you won't feel so overwhelmed.... They will find I pray friends whom they can share with in their new community which they need as do you... My parents lighten up when we are not in the same home. They need friends to talk to , play cards with , share stories , show pictures to. Its good they still can be on their own in a way you should be happy they are cappible enough to enjoy living on their own.I know you love and care and you always will god bless
(0)
Report
Many elders get much better when they are with their peers. They will drag their feet and complain about not wanting to leave home or whatever, but basically they are afraid of change. Once they adjust (and if the center is good) they usually make friends and have more fun. My mother-in-law absolutely bloomed when she moved from her apartment, where she was lonely and paranoid, to the nursing home. I visited both places daily, so that wasn't the difference. She just plain had more company and more people caring for her at Rosewood.

Caregivers suffer too much guilt. We do our best, and sometimes that means getting help by moving the elder to a more appropriate setting.

Carol
(0)
Report
it just takes time and adjustment.. talk to the staff to see whats really going on maybe they can change where they eat, who the hang with... My dad love to complain about people when they aren't around then when they are everything is great??? I never did understand that .. but staff usually sees more that the complainer will admit.. I'm sure he wishes he were back in your garden, maybe a visit at your place every now and then would help...
(0)
Report
Do you think that you could invite your father over to your house to help you with gardening and other things that he used to do? He may just miss being with you. Providing him with the opportunity to do things with you on a limited basis may be enough to lift his depression.

Recovery.
(0)
Report
Is it possibe to ask the activity charge person if they could start a gardening group at the place your Dad is in the one my husband was usually in had a gardening group and the new activities person did not know beans about gardening and my husband always had large gardens--it was another way not to be home with us - and he was able to help her get a good program going during one of his 10 rehabs,
(0)
Report
Many of our nursing homes have gardening as part of the routine activity (for those that want to). The can even have their own plots at one facility - maybe others, too, but I know of one, for sure. This can be so therapeutic. People often then feel more like it's "home." This would be great for your dad.


Carol
(0)
Report
LADYMOM
How are things going any better adjustment by your Dad-hope so.
(0)
Report
How do you cope with an elderly parent who does not sleep at night and keeps coming out of her room? Can you suggest any safe sleep aids?

MrsGrasshopper
(0)
Report
Elders don't cope with medications as well as younger people, so it may be best to check with a doctor.

There are over-the-counter ones, but a prescription med. to help make her drowsy and get her on a good sleep schedule could help. Unfortunately, as we age, it's not unusual to have more problems sleeping. In your case, I'm sure it's interrupting your sleep, too. I'd check with the doctor and see if there's something they could try. She may be having anxiety problems, but likely it's a turned around schedul or she's just not tired enough to stay asleep.

Carol
(0)
Report
Carol, Thank you so much for your prompt reply. I asked my mother's doctor about over the counter sleep aids. She suggested SleepMD and TylenolPM. Neither seems to have much affect. I think you may be right about a turned around sleep schedule and she does nod a lot during the day. At age 95 she doesn't seem very interested in much of anything. I am going to try playing the piano for her just before her bedtime. Maybe that will help. Again thank you for your reply.
MrsGrasshopper
(0)
Report
Mrs Grasshopper, my dad was 95 and was put on a prescribed sleep aid at first he reacted like he saw and did things he never did. They also may get them out of bed my dad couldn't take Ambian. Then he wanted them all the time he had me always reminding the nurses to make sure he got his sleeping pills. Blood pressure has to be good before taking sleeping pills because they can lower pressure.
Your mom may have sleep apnia which can wake you many times throughout sleep and also acid reflux can and is associated with sleep apnia. Just some tips because I was through all of it with my Dad. Good luck, Decor426
(0)
Report
For all my friends this is the last update about our parents:
I am so glad for the actual situation of my dad and my mother in law, and now I have to include my mother in law’s sister, that was there before them, coming from my sister in law’s home: they already love the place.
My dad has many friends, and plays dominoes every afternoon. They participate in every single activity going on there and I am sure he is happy, because I know him. Then, on the weekends I pick them up to go home, where we cook, watch movies, sometimes we go to a party, shopping or simply stay home but whatever activity we have, we take them with us. He also goes to visit home in the middle of the week and cook that day for us, and he take out our little dog to walk around our neighborhood and greeting his friends.
My mother in law belongs to a yoga club, and has many girlfriends there. They have a little apartment that we decorate trying to put together beautiful things and lot of love to make everything more comfy and pretty for them… my mother in law is very proud of her apartment and try to keep it clean and organized, she use to host tea or coffee party for her friends. Now she is very nice to my son and me.
My “aunt in law” is a great piano player, and she plays every day in the assisted living facility. Everybody knows her! She is also in the yoga club. They are frequently together although she lives in the 3rd floor and our parents in the 7th.
We use to go to their place to see all of them once or twice in the middle of the week although we have no time among all the things we have during the week, we try hard to make time to see them and take them something "homemade" to eat.
At the end of October, we send all of them in a Cruise four days to the Bahamas and they had a good time.
Any time I have, I go there no matter what. I talk to the staff offering my help any time they need me. I use to take my son there too, and he plays dominoes with my dad, friends, and billiard with a close friend that my dad has there. We also take Ginger our little dog there some times, and it is very good for them and for Ginger too!
In the assisted living facility where they live there is always a Celebration, they had a party for Halloween and all of them had a costume, my dad as tourist and my mother in law and her sister as a southern women…very funny!
Last week we placed a Christmas tree in their apartment and we decorated it together, I can assure you my friends, they enjoyed a lot that time. In addition, we prepared the turkey and the Thanksgivings dinner together in my home too!
Moreover, yes, our relationship with them is much better right now, because they feel we care and watch over them.
I think your prayers helped me, my husband and my son to be confident about the situation, and helped them as well to appreciate what they have already to enjoy their lives plenty of love. Thank you!
Now is my turn to pray hard for you and your loved ones, and I hope everything in your lives will be better with care and love...
Thank you again.
(0)
Report
Congratulations! You found a good assisted living. That's how they should be, and most elders will adjust and grow to love the activity and make friends. This is so uplifting.
Carol
(0)
Report
Hello Carol, how are you? how are your things? thank you for being so kind.
(0)
Report
Thanks to all of you for your advice. I think the dementia is another thing that is affecting her sleep. At the next doctor's visit I am going to discuss perhaps getting something mild for anxiety. As I am sure it is with most of you I find it disheartening to see the changes in my mother. Some of it just seems to happen overnight. Again thanks to all of you.
MrsGrasshopper
(0)
Report
Ladymom
I hope you will still read our post and stay involved your experiences are very valuable to those in the trenches and to those whose loved ones are in their own pllaces
(0)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter