I feel more like my wife's father, than her husband.

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I feel more like my wife's father, than her husband.

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A amott6 Jul 2013 · Answer 1 · 2013-07-07T17:55:22.000-0400

I have a drivers license, but I quit driving due to an eye problem. I could get to the grocery store on the back roads if I really had to, but not into St George to the doctors.

M mlface Jul 2013 · Answer 2 · 2013-07-07T19:41:51.000-0400

My husband also has dementia 82 and very slowly going downhill. He never was good at fixing but even little things he forgets now. Can usually name the 4 grown children but forgets who they are or their names when he sees them. Still remembers me but has asked if I am his sister. I never know if he's kidding or for real. I just takeover like all is my responsibility so don't even ask him so he can't get frustrated. Doesn't remember grandchildren names or neighbors. He tells the same stories over and over. Had the doc sign that he was an unsafe driver so I drive even from WA to AZ in winter. He sleeps 10 till 12 or 3. Gives me lots of time to do things but can't leave him. After reading about many caregivers I feel blessed but am checking into help. He plays cards and puts puzzles together. I am investigating what if tomorrow so won't be so overwhelmed. What ever I do always thinking towards selling and moving to condo or retirement home. Depends on his state where we will go or he will go alone etc. I know I don't want to stay in our house but nearer people. I am planning for us to go south for winter because its like a little community & most know our situation so accept him and lots to do at clubhouse for me or us. I feel like my social life is back in winter. So much for rambling. I always read this as its like being with understanding people.

H hamster Jul 2013 · Answer 3 · 2013-07-07T20:07:53.000-0400

I came across an Internet lecture by Olivia Ames Hoblitzelle and bought her book on how she coped with her husband's mental decline. The book is Ten Thousand Joys & Ten Thousand Sorrows. Helpful! Also found the book The 36-Hour Day by Mace & Rabins, a guidebook worth having.

W wamnane Jul 2013 · Answer 4 · 2013-07-07T20:29:15.000-0400

I wanted to add that one week in church the pastor spoke of being restored after death and that really gave me something to hang onto. I definitely have a strong faith and I truly believe that when we are reunited in heaven after death we will both be restored to our "best self" whenever that was, and that we will be able to communicate with each other again. And that is really something to hold onto!

J Jinx4740 Jul 2013 · Answer 5 · 2013-07-07T21:26:29.000-0400

I'm basically an atheist - I WISH there were a god, even pretend there is - but I still think as if there will be a heaven where we will be restored. My father will still be full of piss and vinegar, but without the rages. My mother will be just the person she was - perfect, in my eyes, but able to see and walk again. Sigh.

K kayjay Jul 2013 · Answer 6 · 2013-07-08T10:50:31.000-0400

I agree that a forum for spouses caregiving for spouse would be beneficial. Most times when people think or talk about caregiving for someone with dementia or ALZ it seems it is for an elderly parent. I would welcome our own space.

S sandib Jul 2013 · Answer 7 · 2013-07-08T11:29:30.000-0400

So good to hear from others caring for their husband/wife. My husband is 76, I am 63 and he has dementia. What I find difficult is because of his short term memory loss, one minute he loves something, then the next he goes on and on about how it is awful. He is sarcastic, but then later likes a different person. I work full-time and he is okay on his own during the day, but I worry about him all day long.

W wamnane Jul 2013 · Answer 8 · 2013-07-08T11:56:45.000-0400

I am 68 and husband is 77. I had to quit two years ago because he was forgetting to eat the lunch I made for him to eat. He is now about 7 years into this Alzheimer's. He is still able to bathe himself and dress. But I have to do the teeth with him. He follows my lead. He kept trying to put hand soap on the toothbrush. No wonder he hadn't cleaned them for a while. I didn't realize until the dentist told me. I don't think the tooth brush was too pleasant with hand soap on the brush! He is like that with everything. I have to show him exactly what to do for most everything.

T terrim Jul 2013 · Answer 9 · 2013-07-08T17:54:18.000-0400

Why does it have to be a woman? Can't you make some male friends or couples where you can discuss things? You might find interest groups for things you like in your own area and arrange for someone to watch your wife during meetings. What it sounds like you really want is to find a girlfriend. Your wife may be sick but your marriage vows were for better and for WORSE and in SICKNESS as well as health. Frankly, I would think I deserve better than a man who emotionally cheats on his wife. If he does it to her, he'd do it to me. I know this is hard but you can find people online to talk with and local groups as well.

W wamnane Jul 2013 · Answer 10 · 2013-07-08T18:54:06.000-0400

terrim, you sound a little harsh. Yes he wants to meet a woman because we have lost the person we treasured. I have thoughts like this and I push them aside because I still love my husband and always will. Just to think this way feel like cheating. But sometimes a man's opinion is what we seek and vice versa. I wouldn't want another man at this point because of all that I have been through. I would never want to have to do it again! Just remembering the good times with my husband is going to have to be enough for me at this point in time.

T twopupsmom Jul 2013 · Answer 11 · 2013-07-08T19:11:11.000-0400

we sure had a really good string of posts here that made me feel closer & warmer to all that joined in, then comes Terrim, I think you may be the one with the problem, that was a terrible "slap in the face" to post to the spouse.

WAM had to laugh out loud about the soap on the toothbrush, my husband stopped brushing abruptly - I asked him what the problem was he said he wanted his old toothpaste back, so I bought a different brand, it wasn't the toothpaste, he showed me the one he didn't like and it was V O 5 for his hair.

common fellow spouses, give us something of your own to smile or laugh about, sure got to keep our heads above water!

T twopupsmom Jul 2013 · Answer 12 · 2013-07-08T21:07:18.000-0400

meant come on......darn computers have a mind of their own

S sharynmarie Jul 2013 · Answer 13 · 2013-07-08T21:48:26.000-0400

I would like to suggest to those of you caregiving for a spouse,,,start your own thread under discussions so all of you can support each other on that thread...just a thought!!

K Katie429 Jul 2013 · Answer 14 · 2013-07-09T05:24:50.000-0400

I agree with wamnane, there's nothing wrong with wanting companionship from a friend of the opposite sex. I feel the same way, I would like a man's opinion / advice on certain topics and just the companionship that I can't get from my husband. That doesn't make me a cheat.

H Hopestill Jul 2013 · Answer 15 · 2013-07-09T10:12:49.000-0400

I am a husband, age 80 who finds himself trying, at last, to be a good husband to my wife of 55 years. I should know better! I acted as father to my mother for six years some 20 years ago.....but it is remains difficult! So often, I fail to react appropriately. God help me (us) to keep my (our) sense of humor, that I might yet treat my dearly beloved as I would wish to be treated..... calmly, patiently, and seriously. So often, Lord, you know,.... I "bite back," with some tired and callous restatement of the obvious.... realizing, to late, that 'my obvious' is in no way any longer obvious to her. (Maybe it never was, and that too is my fault)

W wamnane Jul 2013 · Answer 16 · 2013-07-09T10:19:55.000-0400

to Hopestill, I find myself doing that every now and then. I have to continually remind myself that I can't hold him responsible for things he says and does. He doesn't have the capacity to be mean or deliberate about anything he does. I know he tries his best and that is all I can ask! He is deaf and I am usually talking under my breath. Fortunately he never hears the comments I sometimes blurt out! I do love him so much and I just cant find fault with him. I know he would never do these things if he were of sound mind.

T twopupsmom Jul 2013 · Answer 17 · 2013-07-09T12:29:05.000-0400

Hello Hopestill, love that Hope Still, I snap back too, it is do very hard not to. Mostly thinking for a couple of seconds as WAM said I cannot find fault in him, it is the disease I hate. Yesterday a very hateful man took his place for about 40 minutes. I walked away the he will apologize all day, how can he remember he did something, or said something nasty & know it is the right thing to appologize, that is hope still for me. Hugs

W wamnane Jul 2013 · Answer 18 · 2013-07-09T13:52:02.000-0400

My husband has never been nasty to me. Not during our 35 years together and not now!. I have hope that he never will be nasty. That is exactly the future I fear.

K kthompson Jul 2013 · Answer 19 · 2013-07-09T14:31:21.000-0400

I am caring for my husband who is still relatively young... he is 44 years old (I'm almost 46). He is in early stages of dementia and muscular dystrophy, due to Metachromatic Leukodystrophy (a brain disorder in which the white brain matter simply vanishes). YES, I feel like a parent, more than a wife. It's a hard situation and I totally get your problem. So sorry to hear that there are others out there but at the same time, it's nice to know that I'm not alone.

T twopupsmom Jul 2013 · Answer 20 · 2013-07-09T14:31:48.000-0400

it is very scary, the Jekyll & Hyde - I do not see it very much anymore maybe one or two times a week, when it was very bad Dr put my husband on Zoloft 50 mg to calm him, I was afraid of him, because all of our life together prior to ALZ he was just the most gentle man I had every met. about 3 months ago he had a UTI, I had no idea, but called my emergency nurse number as he was going crazy & I didn't know what was happening. The Urine test done the next morning found the UTI then antibiotics cured it, thank goodness. Never want to go through that again.

K kthompson Jul 2013 · Answer 21 · 2013-07-09T14:48:44.000-0400

Oh I get his rages too... he should still be working but knows that he isn't, so he gets aggravated and irritated easily. His legs don't work, and so he rages and rampages about that... his words are usually slurred, or stuttering, or nonexistent altogether - because he can't remember words (even basic, simple words like, "cup"). A good friend who cared for her mother with dementia said to me that I must NOT ever rage back at him or fight with him. First, he won't remember it, and second, there will be things said which cannot be taken back and third... I WILL remember them all. I remember my marriage vows - the better and the worse, the sickness and the health... this is worse and sickness... but I remember why I married this man. I just miss him so much, because he isn't with me any more. Now, there's just this stranger that barks at me and waits for his meals after I work 10-hour days at work, then come home to clean and cook and wash and take care of our animals and gardens. I'm exhausted but I still remember why I love him and that is why I won't give up as his caregiver. I may need a sounding board from time to time - male or female doesn't matter to me - but I'm still gonna stick it out with him, for however long it is. My faith is strong, and I am still praying for the miracle - even if it never comes, I will still serve my God, and I will still be married to the man I vowed to love - until death do us part.

K kthompson Jul 2013 · Answer 22 · 2013-07-09T15:06:13.000-0400

P.S. I updated my profile... so anyone who decides to make a "Taking Care of the Spouse?" board, can add me to it by looking at my profile. :-)

T twopupsmom Jul 2013 · Answer 23 · 2013-07-09T16:21:59.000-0400

Welcome Kim, please keep us in your heart when you need someone to talk to, we will be here.

everyone that is a spouse that has posted, if you go back through the list, click on each screen name, there is a blue word. Follow. click on that, then anytime one of us posts on this thread we will all get an email so we can try to help or just give support. Otherwise you will get lost in a maze of postings, that happened to me when I joined, I wanted to hear how the posters were doing, but I did not know how, but helpers on this site guided me, like if You just wanted to see how the original poster Papillon was doing just click. give a hug and they will get your message directly.

T Thomasro1 Jul 2013 · Answer 24 · 2013-07-09T17:58:29.000-0400

I can relate.....boy can I relate! I'm 66 partially disabled and have an open wound that requires continuous treatment, My wife 54 yrs old, and I were separated at the time of my stroke but she moved back in with me to help. Well, then SHE had a stroke (more severe than mine) and to make a very long story short our roles have been reversed. I'm her full time 24/7 caregiver now. She needs me for everything; she's incontinent, can't dress herself, can't prepare her food, can't us the bathroom unaided, and on and on and on ad infinitum; and it's literally killing me, She has COPD and can't smoke and puts me through hell because I won't give her any cigarettes. She was a Crack user before her stroke; and recently she tried to start up again (with the help of a "friend", to whom she gives her entire SS check) but I caught her and threw away her stuff. She has stopped paying her half of our expenses. She's become a demon and verbally abuses me at every turn. And I find it difficult(almost impossible) to care for her now; I've grown to intensely NOT LIKE this person but can't get out of this arrangement. Nursing homes don't want her because of her low income; severe bi polar disorder; and she's a fall risk, As the previous posts state, I'm involved in self destructive chain smoking (stress). I don't know where this whole situation is going; there seems to be no answer. I know I can't live like this anymore and I really don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be welcome. BTW she doesn't qualify for Medicaid or any other programs. I really can't just up and leave; though I'd like to; but I don't want to be held guilty of "neglect". If left alone she will deteriorate and probably die. Thanks for the space to vent; and yes; we need more "spousal" type forums if possible.

J Jinx4740 Jul 2013 · Answer 25 · 2013-07-09T18:17:23.000-0400

Wamname - Where did you find that nice alien you are married to?

My husband is a good guy, but can be snappy and mean for a number of reasons. I know he will be mean to me. I don't like it, but I'm used to it, and he balances it out by being sweet and lovable when he isn't stressed. I am afraid that I will be mean to him. I want to think of myself as a wonderful person who would never be less than compassionate. HA! I'm a little mean to him most every day, despite my best efforts.

The more I can accept that he is exactly who he is, the less I need or want to be mean to him. It's hard work.

J Jinx4740 Jul 2013 · Answer 26 · 2013-07-09T18:19:37.000-0400

Bookluvr suggested that us spouses start using this thread -

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-for-husband-spouse-155578.htm

I posted a comment there.

J Jinx4740 Jul 2013 · Answer 27 · 2013-07-09T18:50:12.000-0400

Thomasro1 - why doesn't she qualify for Medicaid? You sure have your hands full!

The next time she is hospitalized, do NOT take her home. Explain that she needs more care than you can provide. That is your best chance to get her into a setting where she can be well taken care of.

Is she in condition to sign a POA agreement, or medical proxy? My husband and I just signed "privacy" agreements so that our doctors can share info with the other spouse.

W wamnane Jul 2013 · Answer 28 · 2013-07-09T19:02:56.000-0400

To Jinx, I don't think he has progressed far enough to be mean yet. Right now is a pleasant time between us because he can still do a lot for himself. I get mad and talk to myself, but He doesn't see it. I will go in another room and vent. He is deaf so he doesn't hear everything. Tonight I had to show him how to cut his food with a knife. And I had to put the ketchup on his burger. But other than that he did well today. I am retired so I don't have that stress anymore of going to work and worrying about him. But I do have the stress of wondering how I am going to pay all the bills, and trying to cut back on things when the cost of everything is going up. I am not so good at finances. Day in and day out. I try to do things I enjoy between times getting his meals and doing the wash. He will continually throw one item in the washer and turn it on without soap! I have to stop the machine and throw more wash in with his one item. He does this almost every day if I am not watching him! He loves the pets and likes to care for them. But he will collect the poop in a baggie and bring it into the house! I will find it lying by the door, in the baggie, thank God. But you can still smell it. That's my life. It hasn't gotten horrible yet! But I know it's coming!

J Jinx4740 Jul 2013 · Answer 29 · 2013-07-09T19:11:55.000-0400

Yes, it's funny how they can do some things but not others.

Crossing my fingers, not everyone gets mean! If he feels safe, for example....

T twopupsmom Jul 2013 · Answer 30 · 2013-07-09T21:11:54.000-0400

wamnane - my husbands love is our two dogs, I think I would have more problems with him if we didn't have them. He does the same sometimes, always cleans up their poop but sometimes brings the bag in & wants to flush it! Weird subject huh? the anger he shows is not being able to drive anymore, and I finally got the nerve up to get rid if his car that just sat for 3 years, he goes crazy over this still every couple of weeks, I just keep praying he will for get about that subject for good.

and Thomas boy have you got your hands full, but what a great guy for taking her back and looking after her. Is there any family members that can help?

I feel more like my wife's father, than her husband.

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