I don't want suggestions that I need to place MIL in a home or get more help, or throw DH out on his ass or anything like that. I don't want to be told I need a vacation. I just want someone to come hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be OK. I want to tell them Nancy has been nasty to me and I have to accept it because "we need her". She works cheap. Don't suggest we find someone else. She is MIL's niece.
One day, as the regular caregiver from the home health agency was here talking about her own "burnout" and I was sympathizing, Nancy said she thought I was acting like I was some sort of queen or something. I told her I didn't think I was some sort of damned queen. She said I had an attitude going around telling everybody how bad it was and wanting them to feel sorry for me. I talk to no-one but my husband, my sisters (who Nancy doesn't even know) and to this particular caregiver on this one occasion that day. I've had Nancy in my life 30 months now along with MIL and I am sick of her but I have to tolerate her because DH says so.
Nancy doesn't bathe. She's very large, won't get into a tub because she can't get out of one, so she washes up at the sink. Most days, her odor is so bad I can hardly stand to be around her. She said I was so lucky to have a shower. I told her any time she wanted a shower, just bring an extra set of clothes and take one. I know she would really enjoy it. She won't do it. Her church believes that if you don't belong to her religion, you will go to Hell. She preaches to me all the time even though I have told her I would appreciate it if she wouldn't. I have my own beliefs and they are not the same as hers. My God would not exclude someone who didn't belong to a certain church.
My two children will not visit their grandmother. Neither of them have anything good to say about her and I cannot force them to go into her room and say hello. She hurt them as much as she deliberately hurt me and my husband thinks she gave them everything. A hug with a knife in your back sure hurts.
She's out of the hospital since last Thursday and true to form, waking me up once or twice during the night to go to the potty. It's making an old woman out of me and I'm only 67. She's 92 and goes "whew" almost every breath, and almost every breath is blown in my face. I have to be near her when I'm getting her on and off the potty and serving her meals and changing her Depends and sheets and blankets and I hate getting breaths blown in my face and she says "Yeah" a hundred times a day. What's that about??? Yeah because I pulled a blanket up around her so she would be warm. Yeah because she sat down on the potty, when she got up off it, when I pulled her Depends up, When I gave her a new cup of ice water. I swear, if I could get away with telling her to buzz off, I might feel better, but I'm not exactly sure when she might be in her demented state or out of it. She says "Huh" no matter what I say and I have to repeat myself. I know darned good and well she heard me the first time. I know I'm in a situation I can't get out of until she dies. I just don't know when that will be and it seems like it will be a long, long time from now because we are doing such a wonderful job of taking care of her.
I had to stop driving when I was 48 because of my seizures. She drove until she was 90. I hated that. I get a great deal of pleasure, though, everytime I pass her bedroom door and see her laying there flat on her back, unable to even stand up on her own. We don't put her in a wheelchair and bring her into our livingroom or out on the deck or to eat at the dining room table. She might need the potty and we would never get her back to it in time and we just can't take the potty with her everywhere we take her. Even though I can't drive, she can't stand up. Payback is Hell.
Did I say how sick I am of draining the urinary pouch and carrying the dirty potty out of the bedroom to the bathroom to empty it and wash it out? I know I'm not the only one who does this. But I'm the only one of me that has done it. People in my family tell me I've earned a place in Heaven for taking care of her. I don't think that's a guarantee.
My daughter was venting about her own MIL the other day and I tried venting about MIL to her and she had the nerve to say to me "I don't have the time for that and I don't want to hear any of it anyway. She means nothing to me so don't talk about it." That's why I am here today. When my own family doesn't seem to care, where do I go?
You are so right, it is difficult facing all the awful issues surrounding, and that are part of, care giving. Some in our lives make us feel honored to do what we can in an attempt to make their last days pleasant and, even then, it is difficult and your patience will be tested to the max. Then there are others who have not been the nicest to us through the years; they are the ones who try every ounce of our endurance, tolerance, patience and fortitude not to be neglectful and have horrible thoughts we don’t like ourselves for thinking. I have had both myself. I have health issues directly related to the 17 years devoted to caring for parents and we are not done yet as we currently care for my FIL. It is the most difficult physical, psychological and financially draining thing I have done in my 63 years. So many days I want it all to end so my husband and I can have a few years of enjoying our life together. I am so afraid, before it all ends, we will be in the same boat all the ones we have lost our lives caring for have been.
The whole situation sucks for everyone involved. We are exhausted and all too often resentful of our lives being drained to the max, plus, those we care for are also sad, lost, resentful and confused to have, not only their lives taken from them, but their minds as well. It definitely takes its toll on everyone. There are days I think it has caused my husband and I to hate one another due to the strain it puts on our relationship.
You requested we do not advise you and I will respectfully refrain from offering any suggestions. You are correct, sometimes, all we need to keep us from doing great bodily harm to those in situations we must endure is to vent, and SCREAM, and throw the china and run away. Writing what we feel, because we can not physically do what we want, is the best option and that is why we are here. To give you a place to do just that without being judged, criticized or told what you should do. You are doing the very best you can and that is all any of us are capable of. I have to say you might want to read some of the other threads here because, personally, I have found many of them extremely helpful and the suggestions opened doors I know I may not have thought about, shedding a new and oft times helpful light to my thoughts.
Please feel free to vent, and vent and vent and vent to your hearts content and know we will be here to listen and understand, neither judging nor offering unsolicited advice. All too often, I feel like I am at my wits end and can’t take one more nano-second of this insanity. I have to remind myself this too shall pass and it is only temporary, even if it seems like an eternity. I remind myself of that a million times a day when the seconds seem like years and minutes are an eternity. Wishing you peace.
?? Funnierthenme... Rant and vent away! Man do I ever know where you are coming from. I will say, that from where I sit, you are having a harder daily routine then I....but I can also say that burnt is burnt... One more diaper, bedside commode cleaning, one more repeated saying and sometimes one more anything is enough! I will go on my own experience... When I sit and just don't know how to do one more thing, I am numb, empty and feel so alone. At this point in my daily life I challenge myself to just know that I am not alone and that I "have to" keep going! When the day is over and I hope I am allowed to sleep through the night, I lay there and wish things were so different...but as horrible and tired of this life I am... I am grateful to have had one more day with my daughter. Then I hope and pray that tomorrow will be sustainable and that I will carry on as best as I can!
This is where I am right now... So caregiver families all over...unite in the knowledge that we deffinatelly understand and empathize with any and all you are going through! Blessings to you all!
Take care of yourself that is the most important thing, you have a long time to live, she doesn't (hopefully).
JAD711
Even my Grandson needs to vent sometimes. He's only 9 years old and he says he hates her now. I can't go to his sports activities. I hear that he's the best hitter on his ball team. He's the sweeper on the soccer team, and I can go to see him play the games coming up. She's temporarily in a nursing home because I hurt my back but my husband wants to bring her home before the 28 days Medicare pays for expire. He doesn't want her to die in a nursing home. I do.
I don't want to hande that stinking potty anymore. I want to throw it on her. I know I won't, but back in my mind I can see myself doing it. When I have seizures, I have no idea what I do. What if I would hurt her during a seizure. I haven't hurt her during one in 30 months, but there is still that infinite possibility.
I am enjoying the 28 days reprieve I have right now, but I'm expecting him to come home each night and tell me he is bringing her home the next day.
She has been having black bowel movements for over two weeks now. I know she has bleeding in her digestive tract somewhere. I know I can't treat that. When I told my husband she needed to be in a hospital, he said he wasn't sending her to a hospital. He said he would only make her as comfortable as we can at home and just let her pass here at home.
When he brings her home, how do I handle that??? That's what I need advice for now.
God Bless you sweetie, I will keep you in my prayers, and hope everything works out for you. Maybe she will die before she comes home, I will also pray for that.
Take care,
JAD711 (Judy)
-SS
I'Dx also look in at the forum on alxheimerspouce
People seem to be waiting for my 83 year old mom who has dementia (a stroke 3 years ago, 26 year widowed) to die - But she is not ready (she tells us so). She has four children - 3 boys, 1 girl (me). All her sisters are gone, 1 brother left. She has 6 grands, 1 great-grand, numerous neices, nephews, cousins, etc... She did go to church but did not fit the clicks, but I was active and involved until one of my brothers and I started taking care of her for the last 6-7 years. The church came three years ago to offer prayer and gave a personal care basket.
Our mom needs assistance in daily living, personal care, etc.. She goes to daycare 5 days week. We get some assistance in the evenings during the week. The caregiving agencies have been a nightmare to say the least. We have not had one yet that we can trust to leave alone. So one of us is always in the house. We have no relief. We have asked others who we can "trust,' but not one has stepped forward. Promises, promises, but no fruits to bear. Therefore we do what we have to do. Mom is appreciative most of the time. No one seems to care. The holy church suggests we place mom in the nursing home, never mind who is going to pay for it and how she will be treated, i.e. neglected. Get Real!!! Most churches make a twice a month visit to nursing homes to get a little church service or rather entertainment and think they aare doing God's service (chests stick out like proud peacocks). The harvest is plentiful but the laborers are very few and far in between. By the grace of God and our care, mom is holding on, but it gets tiring. Some times I cry myself to sleep. Some days I want to screem, some times I do while driving aroiund the few times I am by myself. I try to find the good in life, I try to be around positive people (seems life strangers are more friendlier and compassionate than those we know - ha, ha, ha).
It is a wonder how people can ignore the living, but want to pay respect to the dead - puzzling - crazy!! None-the-less, I appreciate the good moments, cry during the lonely/difficult times, and laugh at the funny stuff!!! Tis too shall pass.. pass gas if you must :DDD
My husband (Jim) told me his Mother was throwing up last night when he went to visit her. While he told me that, I was elated about it. If I wasn't me, I would think I was sick for thinking that. I just know as long as she feels good and does well, there is a better chance that he will bring her home and if she is sickly, he might not. I hope God will forgive me, but I don't want her to get better. I just think she is having a hard time trying to die.
You can vent here and we do understand; every situation is unique and has its own twists and turns but in the final analysis we are tired caregivers performing a very difficult job. Mom is now in a NH because she ran out of money thanks to my sister who allowed mom to spend 32k on cars for my sisters adult children...mom was stage 4 at the time; that will be my vent later this month.
The church service is crazy at the NH. Half the people are asleep in their wheel chairs; the preachers preach things that I can't even understand...they are so detached from the people. I always pull my mother out of there.
Then, there is the Catholic church. My parents raised us Catholic. There's a lady that brings communion to moms roomate i believe once a week. I have asked her to give my mom, who has stage 6 alzheimer's, communion. the lady says your mom doesn't understand what it means so the lady won't give her the communion. I am going to the arch bishop. Dang these people. And, where was the church when I needed help for myself and for my mom? I took a grief and bereavement trng from a nun at one of the Catholic churches in my city. I am ready to help the bereaved. I also have 9 years of experience as a therapist. I notified my church and a couple of others nearby and none of the priests bothered to reply to me. So why do they have email? And, well, I won't go there but why do humans have to suffer; why can't they just die or be put down like a loved pet? So that is my rant about the first post. I agree with everything you said.
But people who haven't been in a similar situation don't get how exhausting it is.
My Mom is in assisted living, but I still have things to do for her every day. Even when I'm home she calls me constantly with what ever pops into her head. After a visit with her being ordered around and told how I don't do whatever it is right I'm mentally exhausted. There's never a thank you or please.
I'm sending you a virtual hug. I wish I could find a support group. I live in a small town. But even if I did I wouldn't have time to go and neither would anyone else.
I will act like it's old times today and can tomatoes and make sweet relish from my daughter's garden vegetables. She had an awesome garden. I still have at least 21 days of freedom. I wish you all could be here with me and we could have a big party before it ends.