Hello all. Mom went to Heaven Dec. 13th

I wasn't on this site very long but I wanted you all to know I read posts, I felt the same way many of you do, tired, burnt out, scared, lonely, worried to no end. How do you deal with this or that. Mom was getting worse a few weeks ago so hospice changed her med to one that was supposed to make her more alert but also calmer, it did the opposite and she was up for 4 hours the evening of Dec 6th. asking nonstop for her shoes so her dad could come get her (her dad was deceased 30 years ago) or so that she could go home. Saturday the 7th, I heard her on the baby monitor saying OWIE, we didn't hear her fall but she had and blamed her walker for it. Her wrist and tailbone were hurting but she didn't want hospice to come, and she didn't want "no er"... I took a photo of it and notified hospice, she got up, walked to her chair without her walker, she had breakfast, she had her 'normal' day of dozing in her chair. Typical day. Sunday morning she wasn't waking up, I heard her snoring so I thought she was just worn out from the fall. I glanced in and saw her sleeping. Well at 1100a I went in there and she was non responsive and her eyes were focused on the ceiling, hospice got here and called 911, the only time she actually responded was to moan when they moved her arm. They started her on morphine, did xrays, nothing was broken they said just sprained, her hip was still in place from her surgery a year ago. All year, when she would take a deep breath or try and catch her breath I would grab the 02 monitor, well in the summer her heart rate had dropped to 35 and then 31 and stayed. So Hospice pulled her off one heart med, I got her right in to her heart dr and they pulled her off all of them. I told them I was worried she would have another stroke and be disabled more than she was. I think because they knew how bad she was, and on hospice with a dnr it didn't matter to them at that point. She went back into afib which she was off and on all year, but on Dec 7th bedtime her HR was 185 the highest it had been. Hospice believes when she fell she knocked loose a blood clot and it had traveled to her brain throughout the night and she had another stroke sometime Sunday morning. She came home from the E.R and each day became more non responsive, On the 9th of Dec. Hospice Social worker was out, tried to get her to respond and couldn't, she told me to go the funeral home and pick out her casket and make arrangements because it didn't look like she was going to come out of this stroke, I agreed and went there right away. They had been after me for 4 months to do that and I kept saying Moms not bad enough yet. Well with this dementia, afib, hip recovery, you just never know when "bad enough" is going to be. So please all of you do yourself a favor and go get the casket, the songs, the burial place etc picked out. Have their affairs in order because anything can happen. Her family was here several times in her last days, I hugged her and cried and apologized for always being on her to eat, drink, use her walker, etc. I told her I did my absolute best at being her caregiver and I was sorry If there was something she needed I didn't provide. I told her I forgive her for biting me, hitting me, cussing me out because it wasn't her, it was her dementia, and I asked her to forgive me for not holding her hand through out the year like I should have, and not telling her how beautiful she was. I massaged her scalp and put eye drops in her eyes, I swabbed her mouth again and put lotion on her face and massaged it, I told her I loved her and we would all be ok down here. I said mama please close your eyes and sleep in heavenly peace. She moved her eyebrows so I know she heard me. She died the next morning. Tomorrow Christmas will be hard. Prayers for all this season. Lynn