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I wasn't on this site very long but I wanted you all to know I read posts, I felt the same way many of you do, tired, burnt out, scared, lonely, worried to no end. How do you deal with this or that. Mom was getting worse a few weeks ago so hospice changed her med to one that was supposed to make her more alert but also calmer, it did the opposite and she was up for 4 hours the evening of Dec 6th. asking nonstop for her shoes so her dad could come get her (her dad was deceased 30 years ago) or so that she could go home. Saturday the 7th, I heard her on the baby monitor saying OWIE, we didn't hear her fall but she had and blamed her walker for it. Her wrist and tailbone were hurting but she didn't want hospice to come, and she didn't want "no er"... I took a photo of it and notified hospice, she got up, walked to her chair without her walker, she had breakfast, she had her 'normal' day of dozing in her chair. Typical day. Sunday morning she wasn't waking up, I heard her snoring so I thought she was just worn out from the fall. I glanced in and saw her sleeping. Well at 1100a I went in there and she was non responsive and her eyes were focused on the ceiling, hospice got here and called 911, the only time she actually responded was to moan when they moved her arm. They started her on morphine, did xrays, nothing was broken they said just sprained, her hip was still in place from her surgery a year ago. All year, when she would take a deep breath or try and catch her breath I would grab the 02 monitor, well in the summer her heart rate had dropped to 35 and then 31 and stayed. So Hospice pulled her off one heart med, I got her right in to her heart dr and they pulled her off all of them. I told them I was worried she would have another stroke and be disabled more than she was. I think because they knew how bad she was, and on hospice with a dnr it didn't matter to them at that point. She went back into afib which she was off and on all year, but on Dec 7th bedtime her HR was 185 the highest it had been. Hospice believes when she fell she knocked loose a blood clot and it had traveled to her brain throughout the night and she had another stroke sometime Sunday morning. She came home from the E.R and each day became more non responsive, On the 9th of Dec. Hospice Social worker was out, tried to get her to respond and couldn't, she told me to go the funeral home and pick out her casket and make arrangements because it didn't look like she was going to come out of this stroke, I agreed and went there right away. They had been after me for 4 months to do that and I kept saying Moms not bad enough yet. Well with this dementia, afib, hip recovery, you just never know when "bad enough" is going to be. So please all of you do yourself a favor and go get the casket, the songs, the burial place etc picked out. Have their affairs in order because anything can happen. Her family was here several times in her last days, I hugged her and cried and apologized for always being on her to eat, drink, use her walker, etc. I told her I did my absolute best at being her caregiver and I was sorry If there was something she needed I didn't provide. I told her I forgive her for biting me, hitting me, cussing me out because it wasn't her, it was her dementia, and I asked her to forgive me for not holding her hand through out the year like I should have, and not telling her how beautiful she was. I massaged her scalp and put eye drops in her eyes, I swabbed her mouth again and put lotion on her face and massaged it, I told her I loved her and we would all be ok down here. I said mama please close your eyes and sleep in heavenly peace. She moved her eyebrows so I know she heard me. She died the next morning. Tomorrow Christmas will be hard. Prayers for all this season. Lynn

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Thank you for sharing this. I'm not the praying kind, but I will keep you in my thoughts.
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I appreciate that EdithHankl.
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I'm so sorry. She's not in pain anymore (((HUGS)))
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Great big warm hug!🤗

I am sorry for your loss and I pray that God grants you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.

You did the best you could, please do not be hard on yourself. All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to HIS purpose. We don't always understand, but we know HE is in control.
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Lynn, I’m so sorry for the loss of your clearly beloved mother. You blessed her in her final time with your care an compassion. Prayers for peace and that you’ll be surrounded by memories of happy times
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Dear Lynn, my deepest sympathies. I’m very sorry for the loss of your Mom. She is at peace with no pain or suffering. I also care for my Mom in my home. I know too well what you were going through with stress and worrying and exhaustion. I will hold my Mom’s hand more often now because of your post. Sending many hugs.
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(((((((lynn)))))) my deepest condolences. Your mum is at rest now and you did a great and loving job caring for her. Prayers for peace for you.
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So sorry for your loss Lynn.
You did good, it was your best and was wonderful.
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Oh, Lynn, my condolences to you on your great loss. Your mom was in great need of your help and you provided her with great help.

It's traumatic for you as many of us on this site well know. Be good to you. Be kind to you. Be easy on you. Let others help you.

And when you think of your mother, focus only on the good things you two shared. May sweet memories of your mother bring you peace.

*hug* to you, dear heart.
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Dear Lynn, Peace and Love to you on the loss of your Dear Mom, it sounds to me that you were a most Wonderful Caregiver to her, and now she is at Peace in Heaven, and you deserve to go on with the knowledge that you did everything you could to enrich her life for so long and especially right there in the end. It is so so difficult, but you did everything right, so no guilty feelings, no never!

I hope that you and your family enjoy a Wonderful Christmas this year, you deserve it after all of your selfless service to your Mom.

You take care!
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I am sorry, and its even harder over the holidays. She is at peace and without pain now.
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Oh Lynn, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Your words here and to your mom who definitely heard them and took your sweet words and love with her to Heaven are so precious.  My prayers to you for your loss, and that you know you did your best and all you could to care for her.
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I just said some prayers for you and your dear mom who is now in absolute peace. The loss is so hard for you, and I send you my condolences and a big hug. You were a fantastic daughter to her and I know she was fully aware that you were right there with her to the very end. She knew and heard all of your heartfelt words and the love you had for her.
Wishing you all the best moving forward
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Sorry for your loss. Like others have stated your mom is in peace.


Hugs!!!
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Your comments have touched my heart. Thank you All.  And I actually did have a good Christmas, There wasn't that constant worry all day and it was more relaxing and joy than sadness if I'm to be totally honest.  We played games with the grandkids and nephews which we haven't done in a long time because it would be too much stimulation for my mom.  As much as we all missed her being here, we did try to make it a good day.  I went to her grave Christmas night and put more flowers on. Told her Merry Christmas and then we had a beautiful sunset that night.   Thank you again <3   @sweetstuff,  I hope you do, for me!
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