Hubby (FTD, mild cognitive, Lyme, autoimmune disease, heart valve disorder, seizure disorder, the list goes on) is in the hospital for pneumonia, sepsis, and hypoxia (covid negative). That was the ER diagnosis, but I think things will be refined a bit today. He will be there until Sunday.
I had a good talk with the Lord last night. "I cry buckets when I get rid of a vehicle [did that earlier this week, I loved my minivan but dad gave me mom's SUV which has a 130,000 less miles on it than my van] and yet my eyes are dry about him being in the hospital. Instead I am looking forward to some peace in my home for a few days, is that wrong?"
I slept well last night until his watch alarms started going off at 4:30. He was playing with his new watch and his old watch yesterday and I guess he managed to set alarms. I do feel peaceful in my house this morning but I know he is expecting me to be at the hospital at 8:00 (one visitor is allowed). The phone should ring soon with, "Why aren't you here?" I plan to be there by 10:00.
Taking in the medical poa today but we did discuss allowing short-term vent but no resuscitation last night.
So, not really a question here, just some rambling thoughts shared with folks who I know will understand.
He came home, ate lunch, and fell soundly asleep until the phone rang at 5:00. It has been a rough night. Cardiologist appt is on Friday, an hour away in a town I am not familiar with. I hope he is stronger by Friday. It took over an hour to get him ready for bed because he cannot follow simple instructions. Tomorrow I need to reorganize his meds and he has to realize that he must allow me to fill his weekly boxes. The hospital sent a very nice chart to fill in so at least I don't need to make one myself.
My father gifted me my mom's vehicle and left the Delaware handicap hangtag in the glove compartment. It would really be nice to use it Friday but I'm not sure about the laws about using an out-of-state hangtag in PA. I might just take my chances.
But I have to say that in the last 24 hours there has been a remarkable change in attitude from "I want to die, just let me die" to "I want to see my kids and grandkids again." He has refused heart valve replacement for quite a while and now wants to consult with his cardiologist about it. The hospitalist stressed to him that he has to get better before he can have surgery and that there may only be a small window of "better" before he ends up back in the hospital. His thinking actually seems clearer than it has been for quite a while.
Nothing has been said about not releasing him directly home.
It is normal for you to feel relief, he has quite a list of medical conditions. He is going to need more care than you can provide very soon, if that isn't the case now. Give rehab a chance to work with him to insure that he has the strength to be at home and not more than you will be able to manage.
YOU matter.
He was very eager today to leave the hospital because he feels better than he did yesterday. Xray shows his lungs are clearing, he is being weaned off the oxygen. The nurse pointed out that if he left without doctor approval, insurance wouldn't cover.
He jokes with all the staff and they think he is just so funny, not like the rest of the ICU patients who are so very ill. One nurse did tell him that if he didn't stop joking about certain things (day of the week, who is president, what did he eat most recently) they were going to have to have an evaluation done.
Every time I went to the bathroom today, I faced a sign that read: "Love should build you up, not tear you down." Truth.
Barb is right. Talk to the social worker about placing DH now before YOU wind up hospitalized!!!
What you WANT is four DH to be himself again, hale and hearty and happy at home with you.
And you can't have that.
My DH has been in the hospital for so many very serious things and he is a terrible patient---when they'd release him, I's inevitable end up sobbing in the car in the parking lot because I was NEVER ready to bring him home and play maid/nurse/chauffeur/short order cook for him.
He's always rehabbed, but each health issue takes him down a little bit more. He's aged 25 years in the past 10.
My heart is with you. To have such mixed emotions---I hope you get some help as you navigate this new 'norm'. (Hopefully starting without the 4:30 am wakeup call--man, how I hated those!)
Feel guilty when caring is too much to take, but certainly not when caregiving becomes too much.
(p.s. I loved my minivan, too. I called it the Clampett-mobile. My husband and sons thought I was crazy ;-)
This is an opportunity for you to get long term placement for him. Perhaps the fact that you are not in tears is that your heart, mind and soul all realize that you are at the point of his needing a much higher level of care than can be provided at home.
Please get in touch with the hospital social worker and be honest about how his illness is affecting you and your health. "I can no longer care for him safely at home" should be your mantra. Don't accept "no" for an answer.
He is going to be up the creek without a paddle if you are not there to be his advocate.