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I'm new here so I'm sorry if this may sound a bit childish. I'm 15 years old and my mom wanted me to come here...guess it's for advice and venting. I don't want to come home, and maybe this is selfish but it is because she's my grandmother...but I'm really starting to dislike her just because of how much of a b*tch she's being. Different attitude every single day and if you offer help she wants an instant pity party. There is never enough attention for her. Never was, never will be and the dementia is just gunna make it worse. How do you calm down when you and the person you're dealing with both have different attitudes? I'm pessimistic, sometimes stubborn, and also I get easily pissed off. Basically, how do you deal with it? Writing isn't helping anymore. Thank you for reading...but I really needed to vent.

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DyingxBreed, are both your mother and you living with your grandmother? I am a little confused by what you wrote. Please explain a bit more and I'm sure you'll get some good input.
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Does your grandma live with you? Has she always been negative like this?

Can you look at old photo albums with her? You could make it a project to annotate the albums with a written description of who everyone is and what the event was.

What does grandma want pity for? What are her physical limitations?
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She moved in with my family a couple months ago...6 months maybe and yes she has always been like this the dementia just makes it more theatrical. We tried that and she only remembers a couple moments from her childhood. She didnt remember her mother or father in one of the family photos nor her relatives in any of the others. Im not sure what she wants pity for to be quite honest, because there really is nothing we can do since she says no more than "nothing" when we ask whats wrong. She has left brain dysfunction, she really cant balance well yet she refuses to use a cane, she barely sees anything so she basically acts blind even though she focuses on the tv all day. I hope this helped since i didnt go into detail earlier.
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Is she on antidepressants, do you know?

Would she enjoy being read to? As her vision got worse, my Grandma loved being read to by us. You sound like a super mature and terrific teenager.
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Wow, is there a lesson your mother is trying to teach you?

The biggest lesson to be learned is compassion. If she has dementia and is asked whats wrong, she may not be able to verbalize it. If she's focusing on the tv all day and is basically blind, perhaps she's trying to "blend in"?

It sucks getting old... I'm still cringing at why your mother felt it best for you to read this website and all that goes with. Yes, I get we all need to be aware, but really.... 15? I do hope you love and appreciate your grandmother for who she was and not who she is becoming.

Just why did your mother ask you to read this website?
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Dear 15 year old. I am so sorry you have this additional aspect to your high school years. While multi generational living is less prevalent today, this was the only way families lived in the '50s and '60s. There are clearly downsides to this arrangement, but think about your Mom's perspective. Imagine her feelings of responsibility for her Mom, for you and for other family members. Try going to the Alzheimers website --- alz . org. On it, they describe typical behaviors and ideas of how to handle such behavior. Try the 'life with ALZ' pull down menu and the resource center. At 15, you may be the best to do a bit of research. You have time and are probably pretty good with the computer. There are tactics to guide family members through their outbursts. There are support meetings for family caregivers (try your local hospital). Once you understand that your Grandma isn't responsible for her behavior and can't change it, you may take a deep breath and find ways to deal with it effectively. And, I'm not saying that you can't push back sometimes. Just yesterday, I visited my MIL. She was curled up in bed and refused to get up. She said I could talk to her while she was in bed ... with her back to me!. So I straightened up a few things in her room offered her a beverage and said I'd come back at another time when she was up. AND do something nice for your Mom . She has a lot on her plate!
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My mom thinks that since im an introvert it would be different if I vented out here, and asked some questions, learned more, got some advice and what not. She also is trying to teach me how to be more accepting and yes compassionate. Those are 2 of the hardest things for me, i dont know why, but i cant seem to do it. As for my gramdmother, im not sure what goes on through her head when she does the things that she does but i do feel kind of bad because of what this is doing to her. She never was dependent, she wanted everything to do with her, be her responsibility, yet if it didnt go her way she would get upset and "be the martyr" as my dad says. Im not sure what she takes cause my mom takes care of that. And i get that a lot. I guess i am a little more mature but i dont really see it.
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This person is only 15 years old and it sounds like she has too much responsibility for Grandma! I remember when I was that age and thank goodness my Grandma only came to visit a couple times a gear. She was ornary, mean and always wanted to be sure we were all doing enough for my mother. I absolutely detested her visits and would never in a million years would I have wanted her to live with us. Dyingbreed needs to enjoy high school years, friends work hard with school work and maybe even get a part time job. I do not understand how families with children still at home manage to provide the care to the kids and grandma too. If grandma were able to care for herself that would be different. However, Grandma has some rather profound needs that is not right to burden a teenager with! When I was 15 I would rather be rebelling and making my Mom mad!
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Introverts are different a lovely yet different breed. I say this kindly young lady. Most internalize their thoughts and emotions and this could be why mom is having her post on a website since she may not like the thought of socializing?

Perhaps this is a good idea your mother had, yet, I still find it somewhat hard for someone so young to digest. I agree, compassion is utmost when dealing with AD but still... How do YOU feel about venting on this website?

On a different note, maybe Grandma was trying to be strong for everyone and not be a martyr? Things were so much different in their time, right? You write intelligently and I do hope, you can see things from all sides :)
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Believe me i do rebel. Always have pushed the limits, which i do feel somewhat bad for, however i could be doing drugs and what not but the worst i do is pierce and gauge my ears and smoke. Not that bad compared to other teenagers. But i wouldnt say its a burden on me since its helping my mom out a lot and she is with my grandma all the time, at least was before she got her job back, but yeah it does suck not being able to live the life of hanging with friends and doing stuff after school, but hey, it could be worse right? To be honest, this is kinda cool to finally get this out to people like you guys who get it and give feedback. My friends at school just say that sucks and get over it, which i understand cause they dont really know the full extent. Believe me, if you thought you disliked your grandmother, youd have a hell of a time if you met mine!
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Another thing i respect my mom for is that my grama isnt ever her mom. Shes my dads mom and he doesnt want her here one bit since she is a constant reminder of his awful childhood that was f-ed up because of her and his stepdad. My mom and her never got along, but now my mom is the only thing keeping her out of a nursing home. My two so called aunts are useless and dont do sh*t for her except put sh*t in her head about how awful we are, so the couple days after she talks to my aunt pam, she basically ignores us and snaps at anything we say. But hey, you know, at least karma will catch up to them and will bite them in the ass when this is all said and done.
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DB, just work very hard in school to keep your future options open.
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It is very commendable you respect and help your mother out.

You are far too young for the rest of it though. Far too young for people to cloud your mind with their own bullsh*t and family dynamics. Someone should be protecting you, sheltering you and nurturing you towards your own life... not this.

Yes, work very hard in school and live your life. Please don't let the family dysfunction dictate what you do with the rest of your life.
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I think i know what i want to do with the rest of my life, yet you're right when you say im too young to deal with this bullsh*t, but im also used to it since i was taking care of her after school for the last 4 years, so i guess its safe to assume that im used to doing this.
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I'll tell you what helped me -- maybe not what you want to hear -- but volunteering at a nursing home helped me learn not only skills to deal with the problems of the elderly, physically, but I also learned a lot from the compassion and genial attitudes of the nurses and aides there, and the way they laugh and deflect any meanness that comes their way from dementia-minded patients. Maybe ask if you can just be there a week or two. It might help you deal better with the one in your home. Also, you are going to have a better life than teens who spend their teen years surrounded by self-reflecting peers and indulging in selfishness. This will deepen you. Do quit the smoking though, as circulation is really important in keeping a brain happy and functioning. Good on you!
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DyingxBreed, I'm glad that you feel better just reaching out to this community. You've already received good advice.

We do understand the stresses of coping with someone with dementia. At 15, you have a lot of responsibility. Your mom has so much to handle that she might not realize how this is stressing you but she certainly is trying since she sent you here.

The Alzheimer's Foundation of America has a teen site that you may find helpful since you'd be able to interact with other teenagers in this same situation. Go to their teen site at http://www.afateens.org/.

I hope you'll keep coming back here to vent and learn what you can. We're concerned about you. However, looking for help through your school counselor and places like the AFA will also be helpful.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol
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DyingxBreed - I can feel your pain. I am caring for my MIL who has AD she was/is introvert and has always had depression issues as well as bizarre behaviours. Hides when eating, use to lock herself in rooms or closets when relatives came for holidays, she would take people things and hide them or throw them away, she would come right out and say if shes not happy, why should anyone else be allowed to be happy. She would get angry about people going out to dinner but would never go when invited and on and on. To me this is very much "I need everyones pitty or attention ALL of the time behaviour". She uses spite to try and make people feel guilty for living their lives. Sometimes I think that she had/has a form of Munchausen Syndrome. Regardless of what she had or has though, she now has AD on top of it and she is worse then ever. I try to be compassionate and empathetic but it is very, very hard. And mind you, I'm in my late 40s! Breathe deeply, take as much time as possible for yourself and your sanity and do fun, happy things, do not let her actions (or words) hurt you, sometimes when I'm caring for her, I like to act as if I am a nurse and she, a patient, so that I can unplug the feelings and just do the job. Sounds cold but you have to do what works. I see other people with this disease or other dementia type disorders and they are smiling and look happy. They may not know why but their behaviour is friendly and loving. I wish that this could be the case every care giver encountered but unfortunately, it is not. I wish you the best of luck with the care of your grandmother. But do remember that you do not have to stop living because she may be dying it is all a part of life.
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You do have a lot on your plate for a fifteen year old. It sounds like you do help your mom as much as you can, that you do get frustrated with grandma, and maybe you miss doing what fifteen year olds do with friends and through school. You clearly understand that grandma's dementia not only effects her but the whole family. I wish you didn't have this as a part of your life but you do and learning all you can about dementia will help you understand that probably a lot of the behaviors grandma is showing are due to the dementia. She can't control what her damaged brain can not longer do. I hope you can find a way to cope with all you have on your plate. In your position at your age what you are feeling is pretty normal. I wish you the best.
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Update: The doctor told my mom that my grandmother might be out and into a nursing home by June. Is it bad that I'm somewhat happy about that? Thank you guys so much for all the advice and personal stories, I kinda feel like I'm not alone in this. Finals are coming fast so I might be off for a while, but thank you again.
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You are far too young to take on the responsibilities of your grandmother. Sometimes it is better for everyone if a person with a personality disorder and dementia be placed in a facility. Now you can start living yoir life the way it should be.
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I can't say I take full responsibility for her because when I'm in school, my mom and brother...sometimes his girlfriend takes care of her. When I got home, everyone leaves and from 3.30 to midnight, I take care of her while my mom is at my Nunny's house and my brother and Taylor are out somewhere. Maybe I am too young, maybe not. A lot of people tell me that I don't act or seem like a 15 year old, but let's be honest: I forced myself to grow up. I dropped out of my band when she moved in because I can't let my mom fail nursing school because she has too much to deal with. Wow, I'm whining so bad right now, lol. Anyway, you're right. When she's out, maybe I caan start having a life again. Good luck to you guys too!
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Don't feel bad about whining, we all do it on here sometimes ;0) I love that this is a "safe" place to come whine, vent & complain with people who "get it" about what we are going through and dealing with. There is something to be said about getting together with folks who are struggling in the same boat as you, no matter the ages!
So keep sharing here and it will help!
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When you want to know how "normal" you really are, come here, read how many people think and feel as you do. We all have similar feelings as we take this journey. It may seem like whinning but sometimes you need to take the bottle cap off or the bottle explodes :)
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