Lost mom on August 17 now I can't shake the depression or whatever it is.

RedVan,

I can appreciate being sentimental. But not to the point of extreme clutter.

And Hi to NeedHelp

One thing about van living is that it dictates paring down to the necessities. That's a valuable lesson.

I am not very strict with myself about clutter when I am living in a house. I don't need to accumulate more, but I enjoy the memories that my own travel mementos bring and, as I get older, I appreciate things that belonged to my family.

Hi again, madhatter.

Even if our paths do not cross in our travels, I like knowing you are out there.

I am enjoying your van living even when I am not out there myself.

RVA

Mad and Red Van,

The older I get the less I want materially. I am the type that goes shopping with friends and buy nothing.

I love looking in stores and especially at window displays but rarely buy things. I only buy what I need.

It isn’t because I am cheap or can’t afford it or don’t have the room for it. I am just not a spend thrift. Even more so, I find myself saying to myself that I don’t like clutter.

Hi, madhatter!

People interested in how and why you are living in a van are probably both curious and envious. If they are people you are meeting in campgrounds, they likely already have some inclination toward a mobile lifestyle even if they are just doing it for a vacation. Some full-timers have huge rigs bursting with every modern amenity which they drive from campground to campground, plug in and stay inside of for weeks at a time. Others live on the streets and don't use campgrounds at all. There is every variation in between. 

I found a van convenient and manageable, and, as you say, you can rig it up however it pleases you. 
 
Friends who think you have made a "wrong choice" may really be trying to justify their own lifestyles. You can smile and thank them for their concern but just say it suits you. It's just as well most people prefer more conventional abodes and will stay put. We wouldn't want the woods or the campgrounds to get too full.

I was once approached by local media in the area where I spent most of my time. They wanted to do a feature on van living b/c they were intrigued and knew people would be interested. I declined the publicity. I didn't want everyone to know my business, and I didn't want to advertise. 

You can pick and choose how much exposure to people you can handle. You are probably quite sensitive to others' vibes and need to take people in small doses. (Projection on my part!) If you want to be involved with other people or with a local community, you can participate as much as you wish.

Enjoy whatever you choose. If make changes someday and you will enjoy those, too.

Tell your trees goodnight.

RVA

Dear RedVanAnnie:

It's funny you bring that up, I take my solitude by closing the doors to my Van otherwise I find myself swamped with people from the campgrounds lately wanting to know about Van Life, I'm to the point where I think I should be getting a kickback from the campgrounds I'm at since I seem to be the center attraction...🤣

People try not to be insulting but the first question is normally is this life style by choice... I laugh because it is, was, and has always been my choice to live this way, it attracts a lot of attention for some reason...🤔

I've been called a hermit most of my life then came the internet now most call me a troll... 🤣😂🤣

I'm loving this and it's been exactly what I needed to get myself back into the flow of the real world...
I'm a minimalist at heart and feel living in excess is an issue people have... don't get me wrong I've got my toys in my Van and I don't have to share unless I want to...
I'm happy and that's all that matters it's what my mother would have wanted to see if she was still with us... she's probably looking down with a huge grin on her face knowing how happy and peaceful I've finally become after all those years.

Thank you for your support maybe one-day our travels will cross paths... but for right now VA is going to be home at least until the summer time then I'll make that next decision about moving on to another climate.

Hi, madhatter. Believe me, I totally understand the joy and the peace and quiet and the privacy of van living. It's wonderful to acclimate to nature and to escape most of the discordant vibes that accompany people. You an be as sociable as you want to be or want not to be. I craved solitude and chose van living as a way to be alone when I needed to be. I needed (still need) a lot of time by myse!f to recover from contact with people. I found jobs enough to be able to buy food and gas and maintain myself and my van.

I did not have electricity or internet or a phone during the years I loved "in the edges." Everything I owned was within arm's reach and I loved my "cave." I couldn't tolerate sleeping indoors and if asked to house sit or stay over anywhere, I would sleep outside on the patio or in my van out front.

I still camp in a regular "roofed van" but now that I am older I stay in campgrounds and plug in my electric for TV and sometimes heat in cold weather. Sleeping in the van still makes me weep just a little with joy.

I am able to live indoors most of the time right now b/c I live by myself and still have plenty of alone time. I have ample social contacts and people who know me don't believe me when I say I am something of a hermit.

You are certainly still rattled by your mother's death and by the trauma of care taking and confinement. I don't think you are making a mistake at all by living in your van. Solitude is a wonderful luxury and time to think your own thoughts without distraction is priceless.

My best to you and your I me listening to the world around you.

Hey! If we keep this up, we'll have half the Care Giver forum living out under the trees.

RVA

Thank you RedVanAnnie at 51 I'm probably enjoying Van Life beyond what many would... over 10 years of indoor life got to me, being confined was hard since I was always an outdoorsman, I got used too going where I wanted when but when my parents needed me I put it all on the back burners of life.
Getting a job seemed to be the most important thing to me at the time I continued to put things on hold with Van Lifeing, when I finally got those jobs the hotels I found were killing me both mentally, emotionally and financially so I compromised and ended up at a campground and now I spend all my free time outdoors sometimes just listening to nature for hours, I feel like I've mentally and emotionally awoken again after only a few days... of course I am cheating a bit I have power and WI-FI it's part of the cost anyways plus I have TV through Philo I'm always going to be a bit of a couch potato,
and most people that see my rig during the day with the doors open are fasinated that a regular roofed Van is so elaborately set up for RV style camping and this has another affect of bringing me to socialize with people again.
I never thought the Van would have been the most important thing to my recovery process, some people think I'm crazy but those people forget this was a choice, this wasn't forced onto me and now that I'm living full time in my Van I'm loving it to the point where this is where I'd rather be and the jobs feel secondary... I couldn't be happier with the way it all worked out and I should have moved into the Van sooner what I really needed was the peace it has brought me.
I let others influence me into thinking I had made the wrong decision and now I realize it was the right decision, always had been... my tiny home on wheels isn't perfect but it's perfect for me... yeah' the rig needs a bit of work mostly minor mechanical things, once I get a bit along in the working world and put some cash aside I'll be building another rig for my retirement hopefully... I actually am starting to see a future again and I'm starting to even look forward to a future again couldn't even think like this a week ago, didn't think it was ever going to be possible and yet it's all changed...
Mom and Dad are always with me I have a bit of their ashes in a couple of keychain urns...
Now I'm finding that having two jobs might be a bit much on me and I'm going to need to make a decision on what I'm going to do about that, killing myself right now working 7days a week... especially since my cost of living is so low.
And yet I still have "friends" telling me all the mistakes I'm making in my life... too many people are overlooking the joy this has brought onto me because in their view this isn't normal, it feels normal and natural to me and that's what really matters in the end.
Tonight I'm just sitting in my Van watching TV and listening to the rain drops my inner peace is at an all time high since losing my mom.
But got to work in the morning so bedtime is upon me and it's both jobs tomorrow...
Again thanks to everyone that has sent thoughts and prayers my way the support has been overwhelming and greatly appreciated.

Enjoy the freedom and flexibility of van life. I know I did. I only moved back indoors when I was needed to help family. I have become used to living in a house in recent years, but I know how to live the van life if I should again need to or want to.

Don't plan on the government taking care of you. Cobble together whatever jobs and situations help you survive. If you can do so with style and grace, you will feel satisfied and proud of your own ingenuity.

Our Government regardless of who's in charge takes everything away from our seniors and from it's citizens they especially don't like it when you stop contributing regardless of the reason be it retired or a caregiver they see it as you are no longer helping the system therefore they no longer want to help you, seniors went through this just a few years ago when our government stop cost of living increases... It's a crying shame they treat so many of us poorly yet expect blind Faith in everything they do... I'll keep working for now and rebuild what I've lost and earn it back in the mean time I will continue to see the ER doctors and continue to build on my medical file.
Really don't have much of an option, at least I got lucky enough to even find a job muchless 2 partime jobs I hopefully should be ok... Van Life has brought my living expenses to next to nothing I can live off of around $1000 a month so I've got that going for me....
Thanks to each and everyone of you for your thoughts and prayers they are helping.

Mad,

Elaine is right. I know several people who had to try three times to get it.

My brother was literally hit by a truck and just about killed on his motorcycle, held together with pins and rods, and so forth. He got turned down, twice!

Good for you, Elaine! My friend got it for her son with autism too.

Madhatter, Social Security always rejects SSI or SSDI on the first try. I know. I went through it with my son. I tried getting him SSI when he was 18 years old for his Autism. They rejected it. I appealed it. The social security office sent my son to THEIR doctor. So after the 1st rejection, he got SSI. He also worked a little bit and got SSI but at a reduced rate and then he was also eligible for SSDI. So now he works a little, gets both SSI and SSDI. It is so damn confusing but don't give up!!! They always REFUSE on the first try. APPEAL it. You will see THEIR doctor!! You will get the Social Security. I'm sure of it!!! Keep at it!!!

Amen to the world changing over the past 10 years while we were preoccupied with taking care of a loved one. Those of us in middle age got put out to pasture. Finding a job via the Internet has been discouraging for awhile as larger companies put automated rejects into their HR systems. But they're not so smug now. At least with the worker shortage, businesses will have to be more flexible about hiring people. Maybe be willing to train instead of expecting them to arrive with all these impossible niche skills. Certainly smaller organizations have always struggled to find good workers and that is where I would start. Put out the word to friends/contacts that you are looking for work. Contacts may include people at church, people where you do your business, state employment services, temp services.

I have found in the past that dealing with government services takes control away from me and I am at the mercy of their system and their timetable. Also that my paperwork isn't good enough to qualify me but an advocate can take the same paperwork and get me qualified. So happy now to be away from the paper chase.

I know what you mean about feeling lost. They give us about a year to get through our grief and it has already been 8 months for me. I still feel shell shocked. It's different this time because I'm now an orphan and feeling very much alone. But then I look at people who were orphans from a very young age and I see them in a new light, appreciating their resiliency. Yes, we can get it together again. One day at a time.

I managed to start work after mom died just 2 weeks ago. I still feel devastated and lost 10 pounds because I lost all interest in food, but I force myself to eat. I'm thin, but not clinically underweight..at least not yet. But last night I just realized I don't have to worry about going home changing mom's diapers or feeding her with her PEG tube. I can do what I want. I miss mom and I no longer enjoy food at all. It's a big irony Alzheimer's did not kill her--something I been battling for 15 years. She died of liver failure due to liver cancer. It was very painless and she died in peace. Right until the end she actually was assimilating food..just not as much. I knew because I was checking residuals and she had NO residuals. I was also able to give her fluids and medications through her PEG tube. So even if mom did not have Alzheimer's disease; even if she were self caring, she would have died of the SAME THING. Her mom died of liver failure when she was in her 50's. My mom died of liver failure at age...90.

As for engaging with the outside world, I have been suffering caregiving and was practically home-bound myself for five years. THe only time I went out was to grocery shop or do small errands so it was less than an hour. SO when she died when I go out even for a little bit I get into panic attacks. The only time I don't feel it is when I'm at work because work keeps my mind straight as I have to deal with other problems.

I think work is the BEST therapy. and keep up with a routine.

Thank you all.... I know it's hard to believe but I'm one of those elusive males that took on the caregiving of my parents...😀... Some assume I'm female, I don't normally say anything as it gives me a slight chuckle.
I'm sore and beat up pretty good and have to do it all over again in the morning.
Van life and hotel hopping was actually a choice I made long ago I enjoy the freedom of living wherever I like, when I like... hotel hopping I've done most of my life before caregiving for the parents the work I used to do kept me on the move it becomes habit forming after awhile... I've had a hard time settling down because I have a hard time justifying the cost of a house or apartment.
Oneday... maybe some female will make me want to change my ways but until then I'll follow the wind.
Once again thank you all for your support, everyday is still a struggle but hopefully it's changing only time will tell.

I am so happy for you.  Sounds like things are on a positive upswing.  When you mentioned that you were doing the "van life and hotel hopping", that made me a little nervous.  Please be safe out there and good luck finding permanent housing.

So happy got you! You are setting an example and give everyone great hope! Good for you. Wishing you all the happiness that you deserve.

You sound like a very hard worker and certainly qualified as well to do whatever you set your mind on doing. Congrats!🍾

madhatter: Thank you for the update with the wonderful news!

Thanks to madhatter for her update. We wish you a successful re-engagement with the "outside world."

I appreciate all the positive support, life runs in strange circles at times... it took a lot of self control to get through a few interviews packed with this nation's younger generation, I now see the problems these companies have are self inflicted.
So having owned my own business in the past and tons of management skills I can see the turn over rates for busnisses are going to be high, but to let everyone that cares know I did manage to find not one but two jobs... I'm going to be hurting but it is what it is at this point and I know I just need to get out there and reprove myself to myself and overcome the hurdles of my mental disabilities...
My first day back in the real world wasn't fun but was productive and it's a step in the right direction, I'm slowly reengaging people controlling my anxiety is a challenge, but I've learned to find a happy place in my mind that helps me deal with this stuff.
Disconnecting from the world and only using this Internet to communicate to others wasn't doing me any favors either but somehow like riding a bike I've still got some social skills.
If I can survive the physical aches and pains the mental ones should slowly get better... I'm never going to be a social butterfly but I might be able to get back a bit of what I lost overtime just need to suck it up and deal with it.
I'm still hesitant to claim I'm better but I'm becoming better off... time will be the judge.
Plus I've always taken a certain amount of pride in proving doctors are full of it when it comes to them telling me I can't do whatever anymore... I'm not caregiving that company has yet to call me back after that interview, but they also wanted me to relocate at my own expense something I didn't feel should have been an issue if I'm will and able but their loss was another companies gain. The next few weeks are going to really put me to the test... learning to hold my ground versus turning and running away was a huge challenge today but I got through it and I'll do it again in the morning... next step is to find a more permanent housing situation been doing the Van life mixed with some hotel hopping, now that I know where I'm working everyday I know the area I want to call home... I'll keep fighting I'm realizing my tank is not as empty as I felt it was I've got a little life left in me...
Thank you all for the support.

I saw your reply madhatter - SS is not likely to do much legwork for you in preparing medical proof that you are disabled. If you have appealed and have time, go back to your doctors to get medical information to support your claim. If you haven't regularly been seeing a doctor, go back to one you used and reestablish your current and past records that show disability. You may also want to talk to a disability lawyer to help you (they are going to get most of your lump sum payment if you get approved - payments you would have been elig for from time you applied until approved), but they know what medical records will work. It is more common, than not, for the determination to take about 2 years. With that said, it may be better for your well being to find work that you are quite qualified to perform.

I will say that if you can find some folks to sit with as a caretaker or something along those lines, it will probably be better for you to get out of the house and have a job to focus your brain away from your current situation. Going for the disability may get you some income, but it will not change the four walls that contain you now. You really need both - income and getting yourself back out there among the living. Best wishes to you.

You say that you suffer from a social disorder, but attending a support group and just listening to others in similar situations can do wonders.  Most support groups are pretty laid back and they will not force you to "participate".  You can just come and listen and know you aren't alone.

My own Sister can Relate, Since Mom passes nearly One year ago.She has the Sad Dad job of Taking care of him Now, For she is the closest living near to him and she has a problem Moving on wih Life because of the Constant Reminders she faces when caring for Sad Dad. Often Mad Dad. he can be Difficult. Please, I feel you will get this job. You are more than Qualified. Keep your Chin Up, Everything is Okay, angel, God knows you are an angel and shall be Rewarded. It will be hard for a While with no Smile as you Cry over Mom, But her Memories live on and as you slowly Get your life Back, It will then Get Back on a Good Track. God bless you.

I apologize if you have seen this or if others have posted it: Worden's four tasks. Here is one link I found https://beyondthedash.com/blog/grief/worden-s-four-tasks-making-sense-of-grief/5271

My sister in law really struggled when her father passed away. She developed depression, worsening anxiety, sleep loss, dietary intolerances & put on a great amout of weight. Various things probably helped but I think finding a 'connection' (Worden's no 4 task) was key for her. She visits the grave regularly & put more photos around her house. It took time to feel the pain, heal & reconnect to her life.

The care work may be a good fit for your skills. Working in a facility may bring social support to you also, rather than giving support in people's homes. But ease into it if you can - part time (even volunteer 1 day a week). Try things out - see what fits. Be kind to yourself & take time out if getting overwhelmed.

I wish you all the best.

Be patient with yourself. It takes time. Make yourself take a class or pursue a hobby to help you through this. You will meet people and get your mind off things. Volunteering is good too. Good luck to you.

I pray that your Friday job interview goes well. There is no time limit on grief.

My2cents...
No I never got paid by either of my parents to care for them.
My disabilities are a laundry list of issues nothing that's going to kill me mind you but unable to sit or stand for long periods of time without experiencing +10 levels of pain my body is just ate up with issues... I also suffer from anti-social disorder along with anxiety issues that are debilitating.
The thing that got to me was when I filed for SSI and or Disability they never even went to my personal doctor they just checked a few recent visits to the local ER and rejected me based from that.

You did not mention what your disability is, but SSI is actually for people who do not have enough work credits to get RSDI disability (which is based on earnings).

Based on what you said here, you did unpaid caregiving for your family member or were paid and did not report the earnings. The government is not punishing you, they are using the rules in place in regard to Social Security disability - you had to have reported earnings to qualify. Call SS office to apply for SSI or to inquire as to why you were turned down for SSI - perhaps not enough medical information to justify disability. You will need medical records showing inability to work in order to become eligible.

It is very possible, your caregiving activities are actually proof to the contrary -- that you indeed can work. Perhaps not at the job you would prefer, but have ability to do something to earn money. And, actually, with this huge change in your life, you may need to find work - get out of the house - out of the stay at home routine - be around others - and learn how to participate in life again.

You actually have a promising skill - caregiving. Not to the 24/7 extent to had before, but there are people out there who need help in the home. Some folks will hire someone to sit at a facility or hospital with a patient. A caregiving agency, like you mentioned, is a good start. You might also want to consider reaching out to church, neighborhood, etc to let them know about your experience and desire to work. Nursing homes are always shorthanded - another good contact - and some will cover the cost of the training.

Have a positive attitude when you interview, even if you have to fake it. You also should promote the skills you learned as a caregiver; listening skills, organizational skills, planning, compassion, etc. After caregiving there is an emptiness and it affects how you see the world and yourself so you need to think of all the positive things you did caring for your mom and all you have to offer an employer, then go sell it with a smile and positive attitude. I was a caregiver for my mom for 8 years and an HR professional for 17 so I think I know what I would be looking for in a caregiver applying for a job. Prayers God guides you to what is right for you. You did what God would be proud of you for doing, you loved and honored your parent.

When my mom passed away three years ago, I found peace and closure through a grief support group. This group was sponsored by a nearby hospital. It was nice to go somewhere and meet some nice people who could understand and empathize with your grief. It helps to talk about your loved one, with people who will listen. You will start to feel better, but it takes time. Do not rush through this difficult period. You need to allow time to grieve. It does get better over time.