My dad was placed in memory care/assisted living a year ago, about 10 minutes from home. Mom now lives alone in their home, down the street from me. She says he is no longer the person she knew and resists visiting. Sometimes she loads him in the car and brings him home to sit in the living room all afternoon. He gets confused and then wonders why he can't come back home...who could blame him? Now she is resisting visiting altogether and I am increasingly having to go to his facility during my work days and make excuses that she is busy, yada yada. It's horribly sad and, I think, cruel on her part.
It’s hard enough that dad needs MC but to have to make excuses for your mom is an extra burden.
At the same time I wonder if she is just worn out with caring for him prior to MC? She may need some therapy to help her deal with her life of today. She may be suffering from depression.
Is she your dads POA? Does she handle his dr visits etc? I would excourage her to get help.
Her attitude is that they are both "going to die soon" so none of this matters. Neither of them is 80 yet. It's not like they are ancient. Given their overall health and their parents' longevity this is likely to continue for another decade. I'm worn pretty thin now.
I am just sad because he is so concerned for her. Yesterday I went to visit him and he was wondering why he hadn't seen her since last week. I keep making up excuses that she is working on the house, taxes, whatever. She has made it clear she hopes he dies soon, and has said so in front of him and to him :(
What resources do you have?
Do you or your parents have siblings? Are you married? Have children?
Do you have POA for your parents?
How much care are you providing for your mom?
Does she pay her own bills? Prepare her own food?
Attend to her grooming etc.?
I started to ask if she had always been this detached but actually with the dying statement she sounds very angry.
You will have to change something to manage your parents.
You have to establish boundaries and somehow get your mom help.
Tell us more about your situation.
www.agingcare.com/questions/is-it-normal-for-spouse-to-reject-dementia-spouse-435319.htm
I think I would find my dad a friend to visit with him a few times a week to help him acclimate to the AL and transfer his dependence.
I think I would tell my Dad that mom was being herself and change the subject when he asked about her.
Mom I would tell to stay away from AL. Why would she bring him home??
So sorry Upstream.