I love my mom deeply and dearly, but she has never been easy to get along with (I can't think of anyone she DOES get along with or ever has). However, I look at her as though she is a wounded little girl. She lived a nightmare childhood that is beyond description (I mean, if I told you...!), so I know how badly and early she was scarred and I forgive her. It has never been easy, though. She has always been of the opinion that when she is living with me, my life is now null and void and it's all about her (although she denies that). When I was in my mid-thirties, she decided she was leaving her husband and she moved in with me. For eight horrible years, she dominated every moment of my life. Every moment. I finally told her she had to get a place of her own (not going to even go into the scene that caused). When she did, it was the happiest time of her life (she'd never lived alone before). Fast forward to mom's elder years. She went through a series of terrible experiences from being hit by a car, to having brain surgery, to hip surgery, to falling down a flight of stairs, etc. Just awful stuff. She went to live with my sister and her husband for several years, but my sister became ill and recently passed away. Six years ago, mom moved back in with me. I am now in my mid-60s. She is upset if I mow the lawn. Upset if I clean the house ("Leave it alone! It's perfectly fine the way it is!"), upset if I go to school (I'm studying for my second personal trainers certificate) and definitely upset if I go to church. I've learned to get around most of it by just walking away when her arguments and accusations get violent. She has also, to her credit, learned to walk away, when she feels herself slipping. Lately, I feel very guilty. Mom is a Christian, and so am I. She doesn't approve that I decided a long time ago to not get married ("It's not Biblical. A woman can't be head of the house." Even though I have my own home, pay all the bills, do all the shopping and handle every crises. It's never good enough because I'm not a man). When I do try to discuss the Bible or the Lord with her, and I love to talk about the Lord, it somehow always gets turned around to her trying to change me by using scripture, because I am inadequate. And then I get hours and hours of being beat up with scripture. I get so upset, I find myself lashing out at her. She is almost 99 years old...why do I do that? It's not like she's going to see things a different way, but I find myself just exploding. I feel so terrible even having these kinds of feelings. I pray every day that I'll keep her a while longer (I do care for her, very much), and I am always so relieved when I wake up in the morning and she is still there. But, I am so weary of wondering if cleaning the house, or reading a book, or anything else is going to make her accuse me of never taking enough time for her or for the Lord (I do my own studies early in the morning because I have found it impossible to discuss spiritual things with her). God help me when I have to start working again soon (I was laid off because of COVID, but have to work part time starting in January). She has no hobbies (can't be talked into any), no friends (won't have them), no family (I'm it, since my sister passed away), no interests at all. Just television and having me sit and talk with her for hours and hours and hours while she tells me how awful her life is. I feel so badly because I love her so much. I will regret all of this when she's gone. But right now...I'm just so very tired.
Somehow Mom has always seen herself as the one with the answers. That isn't helped any with aging. She still believes she has all the answers. She has likely tried hard to be the winner in any argument. This won't change.
YOU are the one here with all her faculties. And you have your faith. That is yours. Save your discussions for bible study groups. Don't try to convince Mom. A person's faith is personal to them, as individual as a fingerprint; they will not be "talked" into seeing it another way.
Treasure your own beliefs and keep them personal to your own heart and soul. Listen to your Mom, tell her "I appeciate your perspective" and walk away. It will save the evening for you. Learn to let go of what you cannot change.
Best wishes to you.
And Tekvah, I am an atheist myself, but your post makes me get a warm spot thinking of how this would be were you and your Mom both Rabbis. You could argue this together quite happily for all eternity!
You could write a book! It would be quite a read.
I don’t know how to respond other than say that I am terribly sorry that your mom went through so much pain in her life and sorry that you have caught the brunt of her frustration.
I am also sorry for loss of your sister.
I won’t take a ‘Pollyanna’ approach because I detest that attitude. I am drawn to realists. I believe that you are a realist too because you are aware of all that has happened and your current situation. Some situations don’t seem to have a silver lining. It’s hard all around.
Of course you are tired. How could you not be downright exhausted.
I am very sorry to hear that you lost your job. Glad that you do have part time work.
Do you have help with your mom? She has really hung in there, hasn’t she? Sounds like she’s been to hell and back.
I hope your mom will be able to find comfort in her faith. I hope that you can too.
It’s interesting that your mom opposes that you chose to be single. That should not be an issue of any importance. I am glad that you are an independent thinker and didn’t marry just to please your mom.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
You're a loving daughter: sympathetic to your mom's difficult upbringing and want to care for her during her final years. But in all honesty, by what you've described, your mom is obsessed with controlling your life. It's unfair of her to impose her will on you at every turn.....expecting your undivided attention at all times, expecting you to abandon your responsibilities, your own needs and desires; in fact your entire life to accommodate her! These demands are unreasonable. No wonder you're tired and upset! Anyone would be!
I would suggest you take back your life, beginning with healthy boundaries. Go ahead and do what you need to do by way of housekeeping, attending church and school; taking time for yourself to do what YOU want to do. And BTW, loving someone doesn't include listening to endless complaining about how "bad" their life is. The endless repetition of her "woe is me" stories aren't good for either one of you. Assuming a victim mentality is not healthy for your mom. And for you to have to listen to these stories endless is certainly not healthy for you, either. Change the topic or walk away.
No, she won't like it. Yes, she'll be upset. So what? She can get glad the same way she got mad. Telling your mom "no" is neither selfish nor disrespectful. Don't explain or justify. Explanations are fuel for the fire. Just say "no, I can't possibly do that." She's controlling you with FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). And why not? It works!
At 99, your mom is set in her ways. She won't change. You can't change others, but you can change yourself. (((hugs)))
Not being engaged in an activity but the brain still sharp? Bored too. You have become her entertainer too.
She is the Mother so she must tell you what to do! She still expects you to be her obediant child.
Your kindness & generosity has been depleted & eroding away your own life. I have felt like this when stepping into a care role for my sister. I was taught to put others first & to be caring. But it sucked. Literally. Like my own life was being sucked or absorbed into hers. I was slowly living HER life with her. Less & less room for my own. When I pictured how far that would go - it was livng together, doing everything together. Just what you described! The pressure to be absorbed was intense. I don't think my sister was even aware of it... Her needs were high, but it was more than that. Whatever she needs/wants - she expects others in the room to provide. I suppose like a baby does. So vulnerable & needs others to provide care. I wondered if it was a survival thing...
The Boundaries book really helped me. It is a very highly reguarded Christian book so I expect you have read it?
I'm not sure what to suggest expect read that book (if you have not) & hire some home help. Have Mother get to know some other caregivers to give you more free time.
You are burning the candle at both ends.
I won’t pry as to why you feel that you can’t have someone in the house for help.
I fear that the stress is going to take an enormous toll on you if you continue to keep up this pace.
No one person can do it all successfully. Too much togetherness can cause a great deal of friction in any relationship.
You desperately need a break. Look at it as a necessity and not a luxury.