I asked her to sign the HIPPA form so her doctor could share the situation with me because I could not be at the appointment to review her cat scan. Not only did she not sign it, she signed one for my brother (who is an international airline pilot), and a form AGAINST my knowing her medical status!. I asked her why and she accused me of wanting to "put her away" in a nursing home. I cannot express to you the level of sadness I am feeling. I have never mentioned a nursing home to her. She has made a series of bad decisions in recent years, and fostered a stupid family feud. Yesterday she came over to my house in tears, and in her car asked me to come out to see her in the driveway. No doubt she is weak and didn't want to get out of the car. She wanted to know "what is wrong with you, why are you so unhappy?" Ugh! I am not unhappy accept for the dysfunction and drag my family is!!! How do I get this form overturned?
My Mom left me off her POAs, checking accounts, keeps me in the dark about everything to do with her care. At first I was very, very angry and I let her know it. Told her how much it hurt me that she plays favorites with my brother. She did absolutely nothing. Just said, "that's they way it want it." My brother told me mom had told him I ask to borrow money from my parents, 25 years ago. It never happened. My husband and I do not need their money, never have.
But this was the beginning of her extreme paranoid behavior. It has not change in the last five years. I have however. I have stated to her what I can and can not do without the POAs and her permission. She seems to understand, so that is all I can do. All you can do is tell how important it is to have the HIPPA form and then let it go.
Is this all new behavior or has she always been difficult. My mother has always been difficult. So this is not new to me. Good luck, you will probably need it.
Why would anyone want to volunteer to take on such a time-consuming and often thankless task? Well, if we can rule masochism out, because you love her and want the best care for her. Certainly you have nothing to gain by playing this role.
But Mother can't see that? This is not dementia (according to your description) but an ongoing pattern of how she chooses to relate to you. You are always to blame, and brother is always the hero. I doubt very much that this is going to change.
In her mind she has a "responsible family member to keep tabs on her" -- your brother. So be it.
Don't bother about the form. (Doubt you could have it changed anyway.) Don't worry about her health issues. She isn't. Detach yourself from the whole mess. All those hours you'll not be dragging her to doctor visits and waiting for a call back from the doctor and trying to persuade her to follow medical advice? Use them for something more constructive, like catching up on your scrapbooking or reading murder mysteries or brisk walks in the park.
She doesn't care for her own health? She is an adult. That is her right. Sad, but not your responsibility, especially since she specfically excludes you from that.
Detach. I don't mean never speak to her again, or be mean to her, or refuse to have a light social conversation with her. Just relinquish any responsibility you thought you had for her. She is going to blame you whether you do something or don't do something. She is going to continue to sabotage her own health, whether you watch the painful process up close or from afar.
Let her make bad health and bad financial decisions. There isn't really much else you can do.
Get on with your life.
I see too many people on this forum sadly bogged down in the "I have no options" syndrome. Nonsense. There are options. And ending up with the day-to-day caregiving is only one of them.