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I am caring for my 93 year old mother in my home! Every day I say I'm going to be more patient, but everyday I find I'm short with her about something. She has a history ever since I can remember of being vey sensitive to any kind of discomfort. All discomfort is a 10 on the pain scale so it's hard to know what is really bad. Her comfort has always been of the utmost importance. She goes from whinning to acting like she's enduring her discomfort to whinning, everything hurts, no strength, have had to ease her to the floor 5 times in a week and if no one is here I have to call 911 to get her up off the floor. It makes me so frustrated.

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JessieBelle, I knew you meant blood sugar. I deal with it everyday.
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Stick to what you promised yourself and dont loose your patience, you might regret it later. I have had Mom in my home 6 years, I understand and used this...I printed, framed and put on the bathroom wall.

Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand

I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.

Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold me, Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.

Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.
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Oops -- caught an error. Her blood sugar was low, not blood pressure.
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Today I really looked at myself and realized that I am a deep well of patience. The day started out like a normal Sunday with my mother wanting to go to church. The big difference is that last night I hit my head very hard, so woke up with a headache. I told her I would still try to handle the service. So I took an Excedrin, which made my stomach queasy. So I drank some soda to make it feel better and took her to church.

I'm not a Baptist and feel pretty silly popping up and down like a Jack-in-the-Box to sing songs and do things they do in church. But I did it. When it was time to leave, my mother said she was dizzy. I knew her blood pressure was low, so I pulled a Coke from my purse, then gave her some crackers when we got in the car. Then we went out to eat. She sat down while I ordered and brought her the meal.

She usually watches TBN on Sunday, but the network was having trouble. While she was out of the room, I switched over to watch The Big Bang Theory. She came back in and talked about how silly it was. I told her of course, it was silly. It was a sit com. She talked about how silly it was the entire show. What she was doing was harassing me so she could turn back to TBN, which was off the air. I knew that, so just finished watching the show. Then I turned things back over to her. I told her that it wasn't the show, that she just didn't like anyone watching her TV. She said, "Well, it is MY TV. I paid for it with my own money and ought to be able to watch it. If you want to watch TV, then buy your own."

At one time I might have gotten angry. Strange that now I just shrug it off. I really think that we are not short at all on patience. It is just that sometimes the little things that occur all day drain our patience so that it hits the bottom of the well. We ought to feel proud that we have as much patience as we do. I wonder where it all comes from, because so little is coming back in to replenish the well.
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annecurrey, I feel so bad for you and, that sister ought to be ashamed of herself. I understand how you feel because I have a sister right next door that will not help me with mom. If I make a mistake and ask her to help, you'd think I asked her for her soul. That's ok...believe in what goes around, comes around.
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annecurrey, wedding can consume a lot of time, it doesn't matter if your sister's daughter was living at home or living with her boyfriend. Eventually the wedding will take place, and your sister will have more free time [maybe].
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My patience is gone. I am stuck with this walking carcas and bitter about it. His catheter bag broke and I asked him how often he changes the bag. He now doesn't know.So, I guess I am in charge of that too. He has dysphagia and chokes and spews everything he eats.. Even puréed foods. I hate hate hate watching this and I hate my selfish sister for not giving me a break ... Ever! The woman wants a pat on the back for taking him to get his blood work every two weeks. She is too busy planning her daughter's wedding even though the girl has been shacking up with her boyfriend for years.
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So far, I haven't lost my patience in a radical way w/my mother, but in order to remain civil and calm, I need to kep the phone calls and visits shorter, and fill up the time on my visits with things like errands and appointments. Just sitting and visiting is so draining and stressful. I'm married to someone with ADHD, and grew up in a chaotic home, so I have a pretty high tolerance generally, but the repetitive questions (which I always answer the same way, over and over, and it never makes any difference anyway--she doesn't understand and doesn't remember), and continuous sob stories get to be too much for me.
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KiriAnne, that reminds me of my parents, being so passive.... they are so polite, my Dad will say "oh, the next time you are going down Maple Ave, could you stop by the post office and get our mail".... to which I will tell Dad that the ONLY time I go down Maple Ave is to get their mail, I have no other reason to be in that part of town. For some reason Dad thinks I am driving all over town, because that is what he and Mom did when Dad retired and he was still driving.

I have to keep reminding him that after work I hunker down at home, and don't leave the house until the next morning to go to work. He doesn't quite understand that, because my Mom loved to shop and go places... well, that isn't me.
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I think everyone gets this way sooner or later. Not only are we trying to run our lives, but we're trying to run someone else's life. Just today I had to hold back. I'm going away next Monday for a few days of R&R, my mother gets nervous right before i leave. I told her I was running to the store and asked if she needed anything. She got worked up and said " I don't have a list ready. I need stuff for when you're away" I told her I would be going to the store before I go away. She then starts saying what if the electricity goes out while you're away? ( She's on oxygen 24/7) and has a plug in unit. She has back up tanks which will get her numerous hours. My sister lives 40 minutes away and we have a generator at my mom's house. I told her get on the back up oxygen and call your daughter to come here and hook up the generator or call 911 and go to a hospital and they will hook you up. I can't even get excited about going away because I know mom will worry the whole time. God forbid we have a thunderstorm while we're gone!
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I lose patience with my mom because she is so passive. I keep having to read into what she is saying to determine what she wants and I have gotten very good at this. For instance, she will not make an appointment to get her haircut. Instead she will complain about her hair until I make one for her.
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I also struggle with this, sometimes the situation just gets to me. I try hard not to be short with her, but on the days I have been up half the night and have already changed her clothes a couple times it gets rough.
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Thomas, what kind of care do you give your parents? How old are they? Do you have siblings who help? Just wondering what your deal is. You seem to say you have patience with your parents, but it's hard to believe by the way you speak to people on this thread.
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I find my patients getting shorter and shorter with my mother. I've been her primary caregiver for four years. I have health issues of my own and receive no help from my siblings. I hate being short tempered because I've never been like that. I'm really trying!
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Thomashreid, you don't care to indicate in your profile whether you are male or female. I, for one, did not assume one or the other (names being often totally fictitious) . but it is kind of weird for you to be claiming men are not welcome here. I would feel the same way about your approach if you were female.

We often tell each other that our loved ones are not likely to change and that it is us who have to change. And sometimes we discuss the specifics of ways to change. Your opinion is hardly new and revolutionary. Some threads (not "strings") are mostly venting, some are about practical advice, some are sharing personal experiences, some are philosophical ... but hardly any welcome bashing each other.

Unlike you, I'm pretty familiar with this discussion board. I've been a very active participant for several years. Most participants are women. There have been some very active men. I have never seen any gender bias in responses, in either direction. If you think the only possible way we could take exception to what you say (or more specifically how you say it) is because we are against men, I think you are failing to take responsibility for yourself. It couldn't be you ... it must be because you are male. Nonsense!

You say to Gayle, "Seems like you think it's your role on this forum to critique everyone else's advice. It isn't." Actually, these discussions are often very interactive, and anyone can take on the role of agreeing with or disagreeing with or questioning anyone else's post. Please don't tell us what our roles are in the forum until you've at least gotten to know the place a little.

I think you have misread (or failed to read at all) the nature of these discussions. You are mistaking us for a different kind of forum. If this site is not to your taste, I wish you success in finding one better suited to your objectives and style.
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Just a quick note about a previous posters post. What we are going thru had NOT been going on since eternity. Our life-spans have increased dramatically ensuring quantity but not quality of life. My parents never took care of their parents. When they were in their 50's & 60's they traveled the world. Their children were grown and as far as they were concerned their RESPONSIBILITY was over. They were free to live their lives. Since in this generation our parents are living well into their 90's who do you think takes care of them? If they have loving children they do but guess what - at times I get tired and need to vent in a safe place where there are others who know what I am going thru.
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thomashreid, in all the past few months I have been on this forum, you Sir, are the only male who has slammed the other writers. Why is that? The rest of the crew here, males included, have polite discussions. We give out suggestions without stepping on each other toes.

There are website forums where writers fight constantly with each other, this isn't one of them.

Therefore, what type of help are you looking for or what do you wish to vent about?
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Asking you to face yourself is hardly nasty. That's the weakness of the written word. All I'm saying is get on the side of loving them. Is that really so hard? Or so wrong for me to suggest? "POOR ME", how does that help your situation Honestly? How? I didn't come here for disruption. I came here to offer a simple, very simple, honest opinion. I feel you all are who's vicious. I'll get pounced upon for saying so, however I feel men are not welcome here.
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I'm just wondering when I did all the things I am accused of. I don't think I've discussed how hard I've had it or how no one understands. I don't think I've ever uttered those words in my life. I don't even remember thinking them. And spokesperson for the group would be a couple of other people here. (BTW, this is said calmly and very zen. Online words don't ruffle me much.)
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What a nasty poster you are, Thomashreid. Have you perhaps been posting here before, under a different name?

You claim to have "infinite" patience with your parents. But you exhibit none for your fellow caregivers. What a pity.
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Thomashreid, just curious why you are even on this forum.

With your heavy handiness way of posting, is there an underline issue that you don't wish to discuss but still want to vent?
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JessieBelle, I can only speak from my own experience, which I did. I never implied that I had all the answers. Never, in my time on the Internet, have I had to introduce myself in order to post in a forum. You don't have to know me. A thought works for you or it doesn't. It's nice that you have reached out as a spokesperson for this site. However I believe it's not necessary. As I look at this string, it appears commiserating is the purpose of it all. I understand. Commiserate with all your might. However nothing changes until you do, check with the experts, don't take my opinion for it. Sometimes you have to hear what you don't want to hear. Wether you like it or not. They are not the problem, you are. You're not a dog on a leash. You always have a choice. Take a step back and look at your situation. And when you tell yourself you don't know what to do, ask yourself 'if I did know, what would I do'. I recommend not bailing out, but figuring it out.

And no, I'm not going away. You go away if you can't face your own shortcomings. Look in the mirror, my friend. It starts and ends with you. Help your parents wether you like them or not. You owe it to them. They did it for you, no matter how inconvenient it is. You wouldn't believe what I've been through with my parents. And it's none of your business. So don't give me your BS about how hard you have it and how nobody understands. Feeling sorry for yourself never really works. I tried once. Now I take responsibility for the quality of my own experience. R-E-S-P-O-N-C-B-I-T-Y. Look it up...
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Thomashreid, one thing we all learn that that no two cases are the same. We aren't all in the same rubber stamp situation. But we are human, and we all thinking differently. But one thing most of us have in common is that we are just plain tired, mentally and physically.
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Thom, the biggest problem was simply one of old-fashioned netiquette. You entered the board with no introduction, then went to the podium. No one knew or still knows who you are. We don't know if you live with your father or how ill he is. We do not know your experience. You were invited to introduce yourself, but didn't. And you responded without any patience when people took exception to what you wrote. None of us really have the "best way" to do things. What we have learned from the group is that something that works for a gentle parent will not work for a violent, angry one. I hope you will stay and learn a bit more. You may find some of the words help you.
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I'm sorry. I offered my honest opinion on how I cope with my role as a caregiver. That comment was immediated pounced upon. (Re-read the string in sequence) Funny thing is I learned to accept this final lesson my parents are teaching me on one of these email forums. It has changed my relationship with my elderly (87 & 89) parents. I honesty can tell you I now have infinate patience with my parents, whom I formerly did not.

We are at our greatest when we are turned outward, and our smallest when we are turned inward and focusing on ourselves. It seems to me, at least, that many of the posters really resent the fact they are in caregiver role. My advice is to cross that line and see the world through the eyes of the elderly, not your own eyes. Seriously, they need you. My final comment on this topic is, as Zig Ziglar has said, 'People need love the most, when they deserve it the least." Take your parents into your heart, or admit it is beyond you and hire someone who can. But please, for your own good and the good of your parents, stop this 'why me' business. It helps no one. - Thom Reid
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GayleV I hear you. Much of my dads behavior is the same as it has been the last ten years or so, some of it his entire life. I never had to deal with it much before, but am finding out more and more daily. He gets sad if no one calls or visits, but when someone does call, he acts impatient and wants to get off the phone in a hurry! I tell him maybe this is why no one visits. It's hard, because you don't want them to be hurt but then they never tried to change and people think they are jerks and don't come around any longer. It's just hard all around and it can't be fixed, just endured.
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Thomashreid, you should really be ashamed. If our parents didn't raise us right, NONE of us would be on this site. We would instead be off living the high life like our siblings, too busy being selfish to even SEEK help anywhere. None of us, I am certain, expected to be caring for our parents however, here we all are, doing the right thing every single minute of every single day, so if you want advice or help, feel free to stay, otherwise, we all have enough to deal with and do not need your evil commentary.
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Thomas, this is supposed to be a forum for people to support each other not a bashing session. We are all tired, fed up and over the top with responsibilities. None of us bought into the deal that we would be the one and only one while siblings, grandchildren, and the ilk are out foot loose and fancy free. For God sake at least we can commiserate!!! How many years have you been caring for your elder and under what kinds of circumstances?
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Just read an article about how SEALS deal with stress. It's 4x4x4. 4 deep breaths, 4 slow breaths out,4 times each. Also, change your thoughts to focus on you can learn from what you are going through instead of thinking why it's happening to you.
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Sounds like we all have the same problem. I, too, lose patience with my mother, with her lies, her imaginings, having to repeat everything 5 times, etc. I have never had a lot of patience to begin with, and she frustrates me. I wish I knew the answer. I find as I age, I am much more irritable and intolerant myself and I don't know what to do about it.
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