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I am caring for my 93 year old mother in my home! Every day I say I'm going to be more patient, but everyday I find I'm short with her about something. She has a history ever since I can remember of being vey sensitive to any kind of discomfort. All discomfort is a 10 on the pain scale so it's hard to know what is really bad. Her comfort has always been of the utmost importance. She goes from whinning to acting like she's enduring her discomfort to whinning, everything hurts, no strength, have had to ease her to the floor 5 times in a week and if no one is here I have to call 911 to get her up off the floor. It makes me so frustrated.

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Hi, daughter. I find it hard to keep patience, too. Much of what we go through would try the patience of Job. What you described is one of my major frustrations. Any little pain or spot can turn into a life-compromising malady. I usually don't say anything, because people would just think me horrible for talking about my elderly mother.

I've learned lately that sometimes the pains are made up. My mother's left foot has a sore place on the heel. It hurts her really bad to walk. Last night the sore place migrated to her right foot. I thought maybe I just remembered wrong which foot it was. But tonight it was back on her left foot. I didn't say anything, though I did think it funny. I don't know what gratification comes from talking about small pains. In my mother's case, she will even make them up to talk about them.

Did you have to ease her to the floor because she was about to fall? It sounds like she needs to use one of the rollators (rolling walkers) with a seat so she can stop to rest if she gets too tired or weak.
(6)
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I used to have a wooden wall sign that said, "Lord give me patience RIGHT NOW!"

Patience is a pretty hard characteristic to develop. It is worth striving for, but it doesn't seem to drop into our lives on cue.

If getting short with Mom changed her behavior, I'd say, hey, go for it. You are showing some displeasure and perhaps, to please you, she might tough it out a little better. But you've tried that and and it doesn't seem to work. In fact, she has been this way ever since you can remember. It seems highly unlikely she will change now.

So, being short with her, or being patient, or not saying a word, or leaving the room etc. is not going to make a difference. She is still going to rate every discomfort a 10. What will make YOU feel best? Apparently you don't like how being short with her makes you feel. That is reason enough to try to refrain from that behavior. Mother doesn't necessarily "deserve" your patience, but you deserve to feel good about yourself. Try to do it for you.

(And don't be too hard on yourself if you aren't perfectly patient all the time. No one is perfect.)
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I can relate. Every night I go to bed telling myself that tomorrow, I will be more patient with my father. I have tremendous guilt when I loose patience. I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster. His moods change quickly as well, sometimes dependent on mine. Its a crazy cycle. After seven months, i am now trying to "yes" him more and go along with him and to stay calm and not argue the point anymore. I guess I'm a slow learner.
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This may sound a little callous but I basically have taken an approach of you are on your own. In other words, I watch my Mom as I would watch a child playing in the back yard. I don't interfere as long as she doesn't appear to be in any danger. I don't try to do everything for her and let her motivate independently. While I still lose patience, I keep it to myself. She seems to think life is pretty grand. She does what she wants, when she wants and I'm on standby if there are technical difficulties. I've learned that everything doesn't have to be perfect in my home, just functional and clean, not sterile necessarily, but clean. Patience requires self-control. I didn't have much when I started this gig, no children to train me, but I think I have more now then when I started although I still lose it sometimes, and I don't feel particularly guilty since when I lose my patience I just walk away to cool down. Most of the time Mom has no clue.

Besides, one day, not so long ago, I lost it, I threw her meal tray across the kitchen. I've never been a thrower, that day I realized I must have looked like a crazy woman, out of control, and my Mom oblivious to why. Somehow that realization just gave me a bit of a different perspective, it wasn't me, it was a stranger that I didn't like. It helped me to stop and find myself again, I hope I never see that stranger again.
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great approach, fadingshadows . taking bits of control from an elder will result in extreme agitation every time ..
jeanne also knows what shes talking about . shes been thru it all , caring for her husband till his last breath ..
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I find myself losing patience with both my parents and I always feel so guilty afterwards because losing patience is not in my character.... it's like, who is this person???

I was ALWAYS correcting things my Dad [92] was saying as he usually had the story wrong.... then in the past month I realized it was just easier to agree with him because what difference does it make if he said he slipped on ice and broke his nose, when in fact it was in April and he miss-stepped going into the garage.

I also need to learn to have more patience with my Mom [96] because she is so hard of hearing.... I just hate repeating things over and over hoping she will catch at least one word, to trying to rephrase a sentence with other words. I just can't imagine what she is going through.

The other day Mom and I had a tense discussion over shredded cheese because the manufacturer now has a brand new packaging, so my Mom no longer likes the cheese but in reality it's the same identical cheese. We went round and round with that one. I should have just agreed with her, and ask her what other brand of cheese would she want me to buy.
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Thru the years I have learned to ask myself these questions.... how important is it???...... What difference does it make????.... and a hundred years from now will this matter????.... doesn't keep me from being human. I get impatient in traffic, in a slow line in the grocery store, ect.... if it's something I need to apologize for , I do.... if not, I let it go..... with all of us being tired, it's going to happen...... just don't beat our self up and try to do better next time...
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Hi, Daughter. I think you need to be careful of your back. You're risking repetitive strain injury by doing this type of work 5 times a week. You may not feel the impact at the time of the effort but later on you may. I tore a quadriceps in my thigh doing this kind of thing. I am quite strong but not strong enough for this kind of work. Very few older women are strong enough to do the practical nursing required by caregiving.

Your mother's pain may or may not be real but yours will be real enough if you injure yourself.
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Daughter, yes I have had the same problem's as you woth patience. Yo must be careful of your back. I had to life my wife and my back has not been the same since. It's been 3 months now and it finally feels a lot better. The only thing I can suggest for patience is just keep telling your self it is the changes in the person due to age or the illness. Theyare losing control of their lives. They are depending on us to take care of them. Just try to take a deep breath, go outside and kick a pillow or something to "try" and relieve the stress
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I can completely relate to you. I cared for my mom and brother for 4 yrs, with both of them abusing me emotionally, physically and mentally. Everyday I would say I had forgiven them for what they did, but always found myself getting angry with them which never helped the situation. I thought taking a day or weekend trip every once in a while would help me, so I started that after 2 yrs, but being away did nothing but make me more angry about the situation. It's normal for us to loose our patience, especially when the parent is not making it easy on us. My mom also always said her pain was worse than it was. They do this most of the time for attention, my mom admits this now that I am no longer caring for her and barely in her life. If your not ready to give up on your mom yet, look for agencies to come in sometimes and give you respit care ( relief care). Depending on the state you are in, they might offer 24 hr care, they might not, and depending on your moms income, they might cover it fully or she might have to pay a portion. Do it either way though, even if you have to come out of pocket! I have found care.com to be helpful when I needed a break. It's a website that has caretakers that sign up for the service and background checks, references, everything is listed, for a small yearly fee. You can get great caregivers on there a lot cheaper than you would thru an agency. Good luck!
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At 93 years, discomfort is really common I think. I am sure you are doing your best and she has been checked out by her doctor and medicines are appropriate. But caring for a 93 yr old is a tall order.

Check out some equipment online to see if might help you care for mom:
1. get a hospital bed, 2. check out transfer benches (some have a small disc with slide the patient from bed to wheelchair) 3. bedside commode with a drop down arm to assist with moves from the bed to the commode and back to bed
4.wheelchair with a drop down arm to transfer mom from a chair or bed 5. a patient lift (portable and/or permanent ) can be a godsend. It will save your back and keep her safe if she loses the ability to stand or walk in the walker.

If she is using the walker (but losing the ability from time to time to walk in it), have the wheel chair or the transportation chair immediately behind her so you can get her seated before she loses steam and starts to fall. This might stop you from holding her and lowering her to the floor--your could probably reach forward and settle her in the wheelchair.

I would try to get more of her care centered in the house as moving her to the various doctors at this point is difficult for her and you (especially in winter weather). I cared for my 93 yr old father, and we needed medical transportation by age 93 to go to any medical appointment.
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On my mirror in my bedroom I have a sign that was give to me 35 years ago by Hugh Prather, a much missed friend (RIP) who has written many books. The sign says, "Good morning, this is GOD, I will be handling all your problems today & will not need your help so have a good day."
It may not help at this moment, but I assure you it won't hurt.
I also have a bracelet that I have made out of what I call prayer beads. When I have the same issues, I focus on the bracelet & go bead by bead & say a prayer.
What ever will get you through the day....Blessings are you...Be good to you....Me?? I play the guitar a lot too. Whatever works....
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http://www.benefits.va.gov/pension/
Burnout, get money to get out of the house. Hire Help Now! Medicaid has a program called PACE, they will come into your home and take care of your mom. Fix meals, do light house work,bathing, give meds, fix dinner then come back and tuck her in, plus build ramps and other. I attend Va.Coalition of Caregivers a government sponsored coalition, my info is usually pretty right on. The reason I say this is it's hard to believe that there's a program out there like that. Yet some PACE programs are not as well set up as others. Get the care evaluation for services,get help, its there even if you think not.Write or call if you need info. Be proactive
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Try this: you've got a whole internal team. You yourself contain all the team members. One team member gets flashes of what you're describing as impatience and frustration. Another team member tries to shut that one up. Now, in addition to the difficulties you're dealing with out in the world, you've also got a fight going on inside, right?! And YOU sometimes "side with" the impatient team member, and sometimes "side with" the team member that says "you mustn't be impatient!!!" Instead of siding with either one of them, get curious about each. I promise you, each one is trying to do something good for you -- it's trying to stick up for something important. Without judgment or pre-conception, get to know each one the way you might listen to a child or a friend who is upset about something. Listen actively, with interested curiosity, to get to understand what each team member is on about. You might be surprised. And neither one of them is going to turn out to be "bad." For example, the impatient team member might be very worried about you doing too much, and might be trying very hard to protect you from becoming so exhausted that you can't help your mother or stay healthy and sane -- your "impatience", in other words, may be trying to give you the same kinds of warnings that everyone on this forum is giving you. In that case, "impatient" ultimately isn't even the right word for that team member: "worried" or "protective" is more like it. It's the team member trying to shut that one up who's CALLING it "impatient." This one is very likely sticking up for goodness, for the principle of being kind and generous and empathic, a principle that is so important to you because you're a good person. Or it might be worried about what other people would think of you if they saw you being "horrible to your mother." So there you are: one part of you is sticking up for goodness and/or safety from negative judgments of others, and one part of you is trying hard to say "look out! where are the healthy boundaries here?" You get to stand back, listen to both messages, and go, "Wow, folks, all good messages. I'm taking them under advisement. I do want to be a good person, want to live up to my own standards, don't want to be ashamed of myself in public, and have a lot of work to do to be clear about how much is too much! You're both right to be worried for me. Thanks for sticking up for the important stuff."
And of course they're on your side -- they're actually parts of you. Our bodies are miraculously complex with many parts that are all working together to try to live and be healthy, and it would be downright unfair to think that any part of our body was "bad." In the same way, each thing going on in your emotions is trying to accomplish something for the whole of you. Don't take it at face value -- be willing to get to know it and understand what it's trying to do.
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Wow! There are so many great comments here that I don't feel I can add anymore for enlightenment. I like the impatient / patient sides both working to save us, commented by Alwayslearning. What a brilliant way to understand what's going on with us during awful and frustrating moments. After years of taking car of my 102 year old mom, I finally broke down and got her 24/7 care at home. But in the meantime I have hurt my shoulders, elbows and my back from easing her down, lifting her up off the ground ,etc. she's going strong but I have lost the sparkle in my eyes. Recently online I saw a picture of the oldest woman in the U.S. at 116, and sadness overtook me. I thought oh no.... What if.... Even with the help of caregivers I don't think I could manage that! Guilt is part of the equation of caring for elderly parents. I will remind myself of what Alwayslearning said!
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Alwayslearning. thank you for posting about listening to the 'committee'....That's what I call mine.... so much noise in there sometimes,so picking one at a time to listen to is a great idea..... they are all working for the common good as you said...and mine has been screaming..... 'you can not do this anymore', so am taking action to do what I have to do...... thanks for the reminder.... great post.....
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Hello Jeannegibbs, I like that idea, of doing it (keeping your patience) for yourself. I've never looked at it that way before. I'm not sure it'll make any difference, but it is a new way to look at it.

I don't see the point in asking "if it will matter next year or in a hundred years" if it matters now. When it doesn't matter, I don't care, and pay no attention. But usually the things my dad says are his excuses for behavior that has to stop. Now.

Example: He says "I drive better than anyone on the street" when we're arguing the fact that he had his license already taken away, and he won't stop driving. Example: when he tells the doctor that he hasn't fallen, (and a dozen more inaccurate answers to medical questions.) And more subjective issues: He tells my brother that he hasn't seen me in weeks, when I stop in nearly everyday. These are all lies that can have negative consequences, now. I can't just let them go.

And even more likely to induce a major argument are all the times, he wants me to do something for him that I think is just wrong. He wants me to yell at the lawn care guys for doing a bad job, when I think they did wonderfully. Or to make the snow removal guys come a second time in the same day. (when only two flakes of snow have fallen since the last time) He wants me to force the doctor to cure something for him that is incurable. He wants me make and emergency run over to his house in the middle of the night because he got some "really important" mail earlier that day, and only just thought to call at 2:30 am.

I could go on and on, mainly because he goes on and on. He gets these issues fixed in his head and he obsesses on them, and harasses me. Sometimes for hours, for a dozen phone calls, at all hours of the day or night. And he keeps it up until I'm screaming at him to stop. Stop it, stop it, stop it !!! Leave me the f#&k alone!!!

Then he pauses, for a bit, and puts on his poor, old pitiful-me face. And I feel guilty, for yelling at this little old man. He says, I'm sorry I got you mad, but....then he starts in on me all over again. And never, ever, ever stops.

Patience. After all these years, even contemplating that word makes me angry.
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OMG, living to be 116.... part of me says that is so awesome as all the inventions she got to see, items we all take for granted.... then another part of me is thinking, hopefully her oldest child [if she has any] isn't doing all the Caregiving because that child could be 96 years old !!
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Daughter - Oh my God I remember all that guilt. I turned into a different person. Have you talked to her doctor about this. There might be something real about her pain. Mom was in pain a lot for a while and then she started telling me that she needed a x-ray on her back. they found arthritis in her back. PT gave her exercises to do in bed and no more pain. I agree with everyone else here. Do not hurt yourself. You have to take care of you. Contact your council on aging in your area and see if there are classes somewhere that can teach you how to handle your mom safer. Please take care of YOU!!!
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Hello, this patience deal is my greatest stumbling block. I know exactly how you all feel. From the moment I enter Mom's room I feel patience just slip away. I tell myself Mom didn't sign up for this either. She depends on me as I always did too growing up. I tell myself it's a season and one day I will have my life back. Previous to taking Mom into my home after a horrible UTI I had a job outside my home. Now I look back,and of course that was a cake walk compared to my current one. At times it seems everyone else can just carry on as I can feel my life is just frozen here. I have a pottery class I try hard not to miss once a week. Even if I'm pooped out I go anyway. Once I'm there all thoughts slip away. I have books I read in between. I found a book The Caregivers Compass that's a great one. On how to keep an emotional balance. Really that's a big one " our emotions" just gets the best of us. Bless all of you on this most difficult journey. Don't beat yourself up too bad on those down days. We are only human. I'm with you.
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I can relate. Every night I pray to God for more patience with my husband's dementia.I was doing fine this morning until he brought up for the 100th time that he needs to go the bank again about his money that they are keeping from him and that last time "that woman" went with him and didn't help. Of course I am "that woman" and find myself getting so angry with him and losing patience. I am trying very hard just to let things go without making comments but so far am failing but still trusting somehow I will learn to do it. Getting mad is bad for my health so I am not doing myself any favors. Also notice that lately he is making up stories and basically lying about things to other people which I assume may get worse :(
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I hear about my mom's pain 7 days a week/365 and several times in a day. She thinks no one's pain is as great as hers and never will be. I know she is suffering but I tell her talking about it all the time just makes it worse. I've gotten everything in the world to distract her but as soon as I sit down and talk with her for a minute, the distraction is gone and she starts complaining again. Mom is also a noise maker to let it be known she's in pain...moaning, whimpering. The house sounds haunted with all that carrying on but as soon as I leave the room it stops. I think she forget that she talks about her pain all the time because she says she doesn't do that.
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I lost my patience many times also, but I can't help it and feel bad about it. I quickly say I'm sorry and it is what it is. I am the live in Caregiver for my Mom who has Parkinson's ( and a recent broken hip but that's another story on its own). My Mom did not ask for Parkinson's and I take pride in and like helping her. There are times (sure you all can relate) when it drains the life out of you.
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I am wondering if our elders talk so much about pain is because they aren't doing anything else new in their life to talk about? Wished my parents would have moved into a 55+ retirement community.... all the new friends they could have made, all the different activities, plus indoor swimming and a gym, etc. OMG something brand new to talk about !!

New conversation with Dad.... Dad is now trying gluten-free products as he read that the wheat being grown now [yep, different from the wheat we had a few years ago] could be causing arthritic pain.... so he's trying the gluten-free stuff, and his aches and pains have lessen.... not sure if it is really the wheat or mind over matter, but if he feels better that is a huge plus. Less conversations about Aspercreme, pain pills, heat wraps, etc :)
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I hear you, I too have no patience with my father. I try to be nice, but it gets old hearing the same stories and the same complaints, especially when they do nothing to help with the complaints. My dad is supposed to stay well hydrated or he has episodes of syncope or his BP gets too low. He gets mad because I nag him to drink water. I have watermelon, every drink you can think of, flavor drops for the water, etc. I don't have a solution for the patience except come here to this site and vent. I go out every day for a few hours, which I know I am lucky to do, even if what I am doing is errands for my dad or the house. My family is sick of listening to me about it, so I am grateful to be able to talk here. Hang in there and know you're not alone!
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RAISIN2012 and all. Have you tried music? Find out their favorites and play them. If you don't like it get some headphones and let them listen. Music is a great soothing thing to do. Libraries carry old movies too. Only get funny ones or something calming.
Thanking all who comment and participate in this site. You help us all.
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Learn and accept that this is the final lesson your mother has to teach you. Srsly. You know what it's like to have been young and to be midddle aged. SHE knows how to be those and be old, and beyond that, old-old. Appreciate what she's actually experienceing and you'll have no need for your elusive 'patience'. Appreciate that you're simply with her in her last days as she tells you the story for the fourth time this afternoon. Love her for who she is right now and be with her in the moment. Stop wishing she was differant. Once you change, your relationship will change. It's you. It's not her.
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Hello Thomashreid, I just can't get into your answer. I think you're way off the mark. The only way that my Dad's behavior can be a lesson in how to "be old", is that it is showing me how I NEVER, EVER want to behave ! All I see is that these old people are completely self centered, unreasonable PIAs. Love him for being a PIA ? who's needs and demands are overwhelming, and obliterating everything good in my life ? Not a chance. Appreciate his last days? OMG if only they were. My father has been making me insane for over fifteen years. When is it ever going to end ! The stress of this already gives me chest pains. There's no way I'll ever survive if he lives as long as Shala9's mom. And as I told my husband, just a few days ago, if I ever found out, I was going to turn out like my parents, and destroy my children's lives like this, I'd take every pill in my medicine chest, ensure that doesn't happen. I refuse to do this to my kids !
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Gayle, Thomas's message kind of vexed me, too, until I saw it was the first post. I got this Kung Fu vision of the teacher saying, "Grasshopper, learn and accept that this is the final lesson your mother has to teach you."
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Great post. I pray for patience every night when I go to bed and hear dear old Mums wandering about the house, checking the locks for the hundredth time. This is probably my most challenging problem besides the constant staring and following me about the house. Not really sure what the answer is. Some days I am pretty good with listening to the same old tired stories or the new spins she has on events that never happened. I too have given up correcting my Mom. Just a waste of breath-her reality is her reality even if no one else shares it. I wonder how many children had to sacrifice their own lives to take care of the 116 y/o? Quantity does not equal quality.
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