I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
You are sooooo right. Again , great advice. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will!!!!!
I am back on here needing to vent once again....
My mother has been in the hospital 3 times this year....
Home health has brought up hospice.....I do not know what to do...
The doc told us yesterday that her bladder has dead tissue on the back side...so many things could happen and no one knows except the Lord....
I am trying to hold it together but slowly I am wearing out and down......
any suggestions from anyone.....
I read your drug/side effects comments with interest. I cannot believe that the doctors aren't more careful - like explaining side effects up front and checking in on how their patients are progressing...
I thought my Mom was the only one who couldn't tolerate drugs. The doctors she had all acted as if my Mom was some sort of aberration. My Mom couldn't tolerate any of the classes of BP drugs. One specialist told me - in front of her - that she was imagining the side effects because she had read the pamphlets which come from the pharmacist. He did, however, believe the side effects which were documented such as the 4 trips to the emergency room when her face and tongue swelled up like a balloon and the month where her legs swelled so much that the skin was about to burst. However, the nauseating dizziness, the hives (undocumented although I saw them) and the time I thought she had had a stroke because she made no sense whatsoever - those the doc told me were in her head. (I wonder how elderly people are diagnosed with dementia when it is the bp drug which is causing it? )When I objected - the doc told me it was my negative attitude that was causing the side effects!????
Thank you so much for your support! You are both so right on! Yes, I found a whole new set of doctors who fortunately listen me. This is one of the reasons I won't let my Mom go to a nursing home - because only I truly know her symptoms.! The doctors and nurses don't have the time, energy - and sometimes, unfortunately are too arrogant in their 'knowlege!' It's funny - my Dad never took us to the doctor (unless it was an emergency such as a bone break or appendicitus) nor would he let us take any medication at all - over the counter or prescribed (again, unless absolutely needed like an antibiotic) - and he was a doctor! Now, I understand why... However, for some reason I thought that things had improved in the last 30 years. Secret Sister - don't forget to throw in profit driven corporations into the mix!
Wishing you both a great holiday weekend!
Oh, yes, add one more thing to the "no trust list" . . . my mother.
i looked up the internet to see what its treated for , wow ! seziures , bioplar , alz , i felt very uneasy about those mmeds . i felt bad too cuz i didnt know why he s behavin like that .
he gotten worst and lost 30 lbs in a month , dyin he was . i kept hearing inner voice tellin me stop those meds ! so i stop giving it to him ,
he bounce back up and feltbetter and put on some pounds .
all those drugs that the bevahior givin to him was killing him slowly .
i realized that it is his dementia and he cant help it if he sounded like a broken record . its something that ive gotta deal with and it sounds like music to my ears . ifhe gets outta hands so bad id give him his xannax and it works just fine . alot better than those bioplar , seziures meds , cuz he dont have thos epblms . just dementia is all .
altersheim ,your dad is a smart man ! he knows !!
Thank God the Emergency doc told us we could change docs going through Emergency!!! What a good man!!! Since then, every time I go with her to hosp I stress that I don't want him anywhere near her!!
LHARDEBECK,
Good thing you caught that with his meds. So right about the trust thing. Although they tell me there is no sign of dementia; my mom also has the broken record syndrome and irrational also. From what I've seen on this site in just the past few days, I can deal with it better and now know better.
Thanks
I am way more new at this than you are and I noticed something you said in your last post. You said your mother does great and then all of the sudden it changes? Really??! When this happens with my grandmother, I think I am going crazy. I can never understand WHY there is the change. I always ask, "what did I do differently?, what can I change?". I can't seem to get a reason out of any doctors. I just don't get it. Does this change happen with your mom b.c of a medical reason or is it unexplained?
Good luck!!!- and crying breakdowns- I am with you on that one!! I feel better afterwards. I think we just all need to get it out.
Tennessee, your words, "...crucial to have family around..." are so true! But we don't always have the answers. Sometimes we do, though, and need to have God's help through prayer when we don't.
godhelpus, I think you'd agree with that.
lhardebeck, sounds like you were listening to God's guidance with your dad. He does listen when we speak, and will direct us when we trust in him.
glueiton, hope you're finding the answers you need on this site.
I feel like I'm failing my dad. I don't have all the answers, and even when I do have an idea that my dad needs something different, the staff at his nursing home and their "system" relies on government protocol to set policy. I hate the intrusion of the government, who don't care about individuals, but their own agenda. I think we will find things getting worse in the days ahead. Even as a family advocate for my dad, the "machine", or "regime" is more powerful then an individual advocate. They will dictate treatment decisions based on their agenda, etc. I feel like a lone voice in the wilderness, as even my family think my dad is "fine," when I know he's NOT! I am there almost every day, and see the signs of medicine overuse, and neglect. I will be praying about the changes that need to occur. Dad's behavior was dangerous, which is why he couldn't come to my home. He placed a bag over my then 7 year old son's head, was wandering, getting lost, and getting into neighbor's mailboxes. He was going into neighbor's houses, looking for "whiskey," and he was violent. So coming to my home was not an option, but my heart is breaking with the lack of treatment and care they give at even the best nursing homes. We have two dads there, and they sleep a lot. Sickening! What a sad situation. Wish I knew what to do to change things, but am searching...because the funds aren't there for private care for our two dads. The system is killing my loved ones, including one in subsidized housing. How anyone can overlook the obvious problems with this is beyond comprehension. I grieve silently, praying for a solution.
She made arrangements for my oldest SIL to take us to the dr. but sounded like this was not convenient for her (oldest SIL). I knew my husband had gone to work early and would possibly be home in time for her appt. (He just started a new job). I called him and he said he could.
Anyway, she had been having mini seizures (no shaking tho) from 12 noon on Sunday, the 23rd and they were having trouble getting her to the car on Sunday evening to come home. On Monday, she woke up and was fine all day and all day Tuesday until we got to the drs. office. She got up to walk over to the walker and just went stiff and fell against the car. We also were going to ask her about having HHAs in thru the night (because she was probably getting up to go 10-12 steps to the b/r during the night). We could explain some of the bruises, but not all. She was on Coumadin (blood thinner) and since she's elderly (almost 79 yrs. old) her blood was getting thinner. The dr. said she may have to quit Coumadin and wanted a Direct Admit into the hospital. My 3rd oldest SIL was talking to my husband on the phone (she hardly visited my MIL) and screamed at him into the phone, "You know she's going into the Nursing Home from the hospital!" Who was she to say that to him when my husband helped out when he wasn't at work and she hardly came to visit.
She probably thinks she could because she is a nurse. ...and the DPOA SIL said she tested negative for a UTI. I accepted that and then later I thought about last July when she was treated for a UTI. In the drs. office, it came back negative and the dr. sent it out to a hospital lab, and it came back positive. So, he put her on Macrobid. So I called the hospital and told them about last July. They made a note of it. It had come back positive from the lab. My DPOA SIL had been wrong at both times. ...and she's a nurse also. I don't have a nursing degree and guessed right. Then I talked to someone at COA and found out Medicare only covers Nursing Homes IF the patient goes directly from the hospital--NOT from a private home to a NH. The last time that my MIL went into the hospital and my DPOA SIL was adament that she was going to a NH & at that point, we had only taken care of my MIL for three (3) months, so when my DPOA SIL found out that Medicare would only cover a certain # of days, my husband & I talked and we offered to bring her back home. This time, my DPOA SIL was very adament and put it to a vote. It was 4-1--so she wasn't coming back (and she was adament about her not going into the NH a month and a half ago). So I was talking with my husband and he said since DPOA wouldn't hear of her coming back, then he wanted everything out of the house by the end of the month (May). He wouldn't make the call, so I did. My youngest SIL came by and got some things out and the rest of her furniture is going into the garage to be dealt with by my DPOA SIL (I'm guessing--if she doesn't send somebody else to face us).
...but she only has until the end of June to get the furniture out or it goes to the curb for the garbage man to take.
I should also explain 4-1 (4 being the 4 daughters for the NH and 1 being the 1 against the NH).
Since I'm not blood, I don't count--even though I was Primary Caregiver.
...and DPOA SIL had said a while ago, that I was like a sister. She probably doesn't even remember. Let her take control like she wants.
I'm done.