I’ve been reading this forum, and a repeated problem caught my eye. My question is, are you caring for someone because you feel OBLIGATED to do so? If so and you’re miserable, I want to share my experience with you.
I had background info typed, but ran out of room so here’s the summary:
Several years ago I reunited with my alcoholic mom. Through therapy, I was able to forgive her for the hurts of the past. I’m not talking about abuse and a lot of the hurts happened when I was an adult. ABUSE of any kind makes the next part even more important.
Through therapy I learned and accepted that WE AREN’T OBLIGATED to stay in a relationship just because someone provided care of any kind to/for us in the past. This is true if it’s a spouse and especially true of a parent.
WE ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO CARE FOR A PARENT JUST BECAUSE THEY GAVE US LIFE!!! Say that out loud as many times as it takes. If your parent wasn’t loving or able to treat you well, the chances of that changing while you’re caring for them are about 0%!!! People don’t change unless not changing is more painful. They’re NOT going to suddenly recognize and admit what a wonderful, caring person you are and love you the way you’ve always deserved to be loved.
18 months ago I voluntarily became a 24/7 caregiver for my mom. I had just committed to a very important romantic relationship that has been forced to stay long distance for the present because of this. The best relationship I’ve had in 64 years.
My mom’s very passive-aggressive. Everyone has some narcissistic tendencies, but hers tend to be covert, so we don’t argue much. I’m also pretty easy and if I do get mad, I have a hard time staying mad for more than 2 hours.
A few weeks ago, something happened that made me so mad I was ready to leave and I was mad for 2 DAYS! I had very ugly thoughts in my head and on the edge of my tongue, but I’ve lived with verbal abuse and I didn’t want to say something to my (slowly) dying mom I might regret. I knew only interruptions or justifications would come of further talk.
So I used some of what I picked up in 10ish years of time, money, and effort in therapy and disengaged. I called the Hospice SW and asked her to mediate a conversation. I told Mom we weren’t going to talk about it until the SW was there and then didn’t. I kept to my room as much as possible and only spoke about tasks, meals, meds, etc. I made notes for our talk.
Two days later, we continued that convo. Having an unbiased 3rd party forced her to let me say everything and we were both able to stay calmer. I explained my feelings and let her know how well I understood hers. I outlined the issue, stated my boundaries, and gave her options and consequences. The choices were to change her behavior, move to a facility, or find someone else to live with her. If she didn’t change, then consequences included me leaving permanently. Things have improved. I know this didn’t fix everything forever and we’ll need more conversations, but it’s a start.
This will only work if you’re prepared to put the stated consequences into action if things don’t change and if you’re not too concerned about what others think or say about you. If they’re not paying your bills, why do you care what they think/say?
Bottom line is, NOTHING EVER CHANGES IF NOTHING EVER CHANGES. Relationships are a dance. If you change your steps, the other party must change theirs to match or find a new partner.
I hope this helps even 1 person. More details avail.
This is so often advised, but what does it actually mean? I feel like it's a sop that people throw my way when they don't know what else to say.
If you think I should take care of myself, how about coming over and sitting with my LO for a few hours on a weekly basis so I can go get a haircut or join a caregiving support meeting? I can't leave LO at home alone and have not been able to do so for over two years. How about taking my car to get it washed? I can't leave LO home alone, and he's afraid of going through the car wash apparatus. I can't leave him in the car while I'm on the outside washing it; he turns knobs and punches buttons, hoping to start the car. Or cries. How about sitting in my house and talking with my LO even though he only speaks gibberish, so I can go for a walk with my friend? How about DOING something rather than throwing me a bromide that makes me sad? Because I can't take care of myself when I have to have my eyes on LO 24/7 or he might set the house on fire. (And yes, I've had paid caregivers when I had to go to the doctor or have a procedure, and it worked out well except that they weren't taking care of me, they were taking care of LO, who would much rather have the company of the neighbors he misses or the friends who no longer visit.)
BTW, my LO is now content in a fine care facility, so I CAN at last do things by and for myself. But you can stop saying that to me as of a few years ago because it is worse than saying nothing if you're not willing to help.
That said - the pay back does not include putting up with abusive behaviour.
I have recently had our father come live with us. He was what I would describe the best dad in the world. Always supportive - always there - kind and generous. Do i feel obligated to look after him. I guess in some ways i do. So the decision is right for me to look after him. I have support from siblings - and carers support. For me this is the right thing to do and I do not regret it. For others - none of us walk in any one elses shoes - it may not be right - or may have started off right but changes happen and the decision proves wrong, and the person needs to back track. And thats ok as well.
I think we have all got to do what we feel is right for us and know that it is ok to retract and say this isnt working. I under estimated the task.
God Bless!!
What I tell people on this forum is that, at a point, your parents need you more than you need them. You really have the power. You set the boundaries. If the parent does not want to abide by those boundaries, then u walk away. There has to be compromise.
Get moving away from your abusive, alcoholic mom. I seems she does not even love you, her flesh and blood. Sorry, but she has not really gained your respect but will only cause more stress. You are not obligated for her care. If necessary, place her in a facility to get back your own life.
if she were abusive I would not be here. That was my point… nobody should put up with abuse because they feel obligated. I appreciate your concerns for me but I’ve gotten pretty good at setting boundaries and I no longer allow people to hurt or disrespect me multiple times. I recently severed a relationship with a friend who was helping me out quite a bit with mom because I fully subscribe to the “Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me” school of thought these days and I’ve learned to handle conflict in healthy ways even if I have to ask someone for help. In this case it means I no longer have regular time off for now but cutting ties was the healthiest option. I also divorced a few years ago and started a new life in my 60’s because it was a healthier option than staying in my marriage. So as you can see I’m not one to be a doormat but I sincerely thank you for your concern.
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