I don’t even know where to begin with this. My mother is not “elderly” she’s 50, but she behaves like an elderly invalid. She literally relies on me for EVERYTHING, and behaves worse than a child and I am at my wits end. She doesn’t help herself or help me with much around the house. I am in charge of bills, cooking, driving, getting her medication, setting up her dr visits, talking to the dr, she refuses to work and milks her illness to the MAX. It’s the excuse as to why she can’t do anything. She has a horrible, lazy, narcissistic attitude. She leaves on lights, runs up bills that she doesn’t contribute to, expects me to stay with her because as she says (what if something happens, either she faints or has difficulty breathing), when it comes to calling the drs office (suddenly she doesn’t know how to, every time she tries, as she puts it her cellphone trips out) yet she can use her phone just fine to call her stupid sister (who is an enabler.. encourages her disgusting behavior but will do nothing to help). When the drs office calls, she has given them MY number, so I’m getting bombarded with calls from the hospital, the drs office, collections at odd hours, I’ve given them her contact information but they still continue to call me. She is inconsiderate, when I buy groceries she will eat an entire thing of cookies to herself and not even ask if I want any or leave some so that I can have any. She barges into my room without knocking, will wake me up at odd hours knowing that I have to work. Constantly moving things around, hiding things even. She expects me to take control of her health, she waits until the last minute to tell me that she needs to see the dr because apparently I don’t have other things going on as well (god forbid my own life), then threatens to have the ambulance come get her. She gets into such a sickly state and when the healthcare people see her they think she’s being abused when SHE IS DOING THIS TO HERSELF. She always wants people to pity her and even though people all like to give their 2 cents about how I need to do more by her as if I don’t do enough they don’t want to deal with her. I am sick of her behavior, i left before and she d*mn near died and of course being the only child, I was forced to move back to babysit her. To financially help her out even though as I was growing up she made my life a living hell and now that I’m an adult I feel trapped. She has no friends or anyone else that will put up with her bs. When I left she let herself deteriorate, sought help and had these people calling my phone guilt tripping me and it turned into this entire mess. Once again I was being blamed, I am sick of this mess. She behaves as if she’s this entitled brat and is always so negative. I feel like at this rate if I’m not careful I will be stuck babysitting her for the rest of my life because she is purposefully doing things to deplete my funds. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.. I’m tired of dealing with her by myself and not having any support. It’s so draining.
More than once I would take a meal into mother (she really didn't get out of bed for years at times) and and she'd throw the tray at me...it was SO HARD to not just hate her for taking away my LIFE. I never did get to graduate college, and those years were really hard.
It was 1974, and extremely embarrassing to have a mother who couldn't and wouldn't step up. She really just kind of rolled in and out of severe depression my whole life. It was NEVER addressed, except supposedly her Dr. said we were the worst children ever and had caused her to have these total nervous breakdowns.
It affected me the worst of all 6 of us. I'm still a little mad at her.
As an adult, I still did way too much for her, but now, I do absolutely nothing. Weirdly, when daddy died, she changed and became a flirtatious, outgoing little thing. It was so off. She never talks about dad and resented CG for him, although we all helped.
I'm still working through issues she ingrained in me--primarily the one of guilt for everything that ever goes wrong. And I'm 64. Sheesh, could I have ONE YEAR of peace and feeling OK? Narc moms leave their mark and it is wide and deep.
YOU can be saved. Please. Do it for those of us who couldn't figure out how to do it for ourselves.
So basically it is time for you to either move on, or accept that the next 30 or 40 years of your life will be devoted to this woman. Quite honestly she won't thank you for it, nor will anyone else.
I would suggest professional counseling to form boundaries and to make a plan to move on and out into your own living quarters with your own job, your own life and your own friends. You can still be a support to your mother. Currently you are enabling her in behavior that is not working for either of you. She will not change until she has to act in her own behalf.
You may want to start with the book Boundaries, but I do think this situation has gone on too long, and your rolls are too cemented in to negotiate a way out without help. It won't be as easy as walking out the door. You already did that, and then walked back it.
I hope that you get some help so you can build a quality life for yourself. I wish you the very best of luck.
Move out. ASAP.
My husband has a wife JUST like this; a professional victim who's had 10 heart attacks (wink wink) 100 or more trips to the hospital/ER, is hooked on pain meds, has COPD but smokes like a CHIMNEY, and has more issues than Newsweek, all invented, so she can force her children to do her bidding.
Eventually, they all wrote her off, for the most part. Except for one daughter who felt 'trapped' and that she 'had to' take care of her mother who was about 50 at the time. By the grace of God, she got pregnant by a military man and moved out of the state!
Guess what? Mommy dearest is FINE! She's on Medicaid and playing the system to the hilt. She gets someone to come in and clean (she's also a hoarder), to cook for her, care for her, you name it, it's done FOR her by OTHERS at Medicaid's expense.
Moral of the story? People like this, professional victims, ALWAYS come out okay. It's their prey that suffer and wither away on a daily basis while THEY thrive!
I love ya ma but I'm not living like this any more.
Wishing you the best of luck moving out and on with YOUR life now!
I wonder if I could ask YOU a question? Feel free not to answer if you wish not to.
You mention your Mom has an illness. Might I ask what that illness is?
You also mention you live with her. You say you once left but she "almost died" and you were "forced" to move back in with her. Can you tell us a bit more about that. How long ago you left home; how long you stayed away? And what happened to Mom during the time you were gone?
And you are so right. Your Mom is YOUNG! My own DAUGHTER is 58 so she has 8 years on your Mom.
If you really just want a vent, and you aren't interested in any ideas about changing anything, we get it. Just ignore the questions.
Welcome to the Forum. There are more than a few stories here; you may read something that helps you in some way to feel better.