Follow
Share

For those who know my history with my aunt and her difficulties and fighting with me for a caregiver in her home and going to a facility to me trying to help and eventually dropping POA, I heard from my cousin who lives about 30 minutes from aunt. (I live five hours away).Cousin asked me to help fund for her child for some because she's participating in. Out of curiosity, I asked cousin how aunt was coming along. She said aunt was doing well and that she eventually got aunt some help around the house. She also mentioned that aunt had been receiving all of the Depends and house dusters/clothes that I had been sending her. She said she asked aunt to email me to let me know she received them. I haven't heard anything from her. Cousin said if I text her, she can patch me through to let me speak to aunt. I'm thinking, "No thanks”. My rant is this: I offered aunt to help her get assistance, but she lit into me and told me she wasn't listening to me or anyone else. She really took my head off when I mentioned it to her. However, my cousin that lives close by was able to convince her to get help. I honestly do not know why she chose me to be her POA in the first place, when she's been so combative towards me and my offering of assistance with everything else. This cousin who lives close by has been great, and always was, and I told aunt she should have made her POA. No, she did not want her. I think her whole idea of adding me as POA was a manipulation. She's also still angry that I dropped it and probably angry that I haven't been down there to be her crutch. Whatever her reason, it's all bizarre that she listens to the cousin close by who she didn't trust in the beginning and fought with me the entire time I tried to help. I will continue to send little items to aunt, but LOL, I don't want to talk to her.

Oh boy, In my line of work, I run into these types all the time. I've had them fire me from their care because of a personal dislike or some other exaggerated nonsense I refuse to do. Usually, its something not in the care plan. I find out these types have three people. One to love, one to trust and one they target and complain about all the time. Usually, the last one is the one who gets all the complaints and hostility. In cases such as these, I will drop. The reason I will drop these types is because of them making up stories more or less telling lies to an over zealous family member who will report this nonsense. I will find myself pulled off cases and having to either go without pay because of some trumped up nonsense created by the elderly.
(3)
Report

Beatty is correct . For some elders it’s all about control . This type think that you have to bend over backwards propping up their false independence so they can try to stop the inevitable changes they are facing.
(3)
Report

I'd noted many cases of mixed up ideas about POAs... Joann, it makes very good sense how you described it!

I met a retired lawyer a while back. He said he had "made his son" his POA but was ranting & raving about changing his POA (again). It had been his son, until the son said no to something asked of him. Then he "made" a nephew his POA. Until the nephew said no to something asked of him.

The man then wanted to "sack this nephew" saying "I have others". He was attempting to contact another nephew.. but Neuro-Psych eval was called for first.

I absolutely think this man expected his son (nephew or whoever would be next) needed to act as his on-call servant.

His expectations included: son/nephew to spring him out of rehab (despite needing to be there) cancel home help services (despite needing the help) buy & deliver food & whatever else he wanted. At any time he wanted it.
(4)
Report

Your aunt probably chose you because she felt you could easily be manipulated or like already said she thought you were a people pleaser and she could tell you what to do in order to have things her way .

You stood up to this . You did the right thing . She won’t talk because she didn’t get her way , she’s a sore loser .

She finally gave in to allow help in because she needs it . She won’t talk to you , she doesn’t want you to know she is getting help . She doesn’t want to admit to you she has outside help coming in .

OR, I am wrong …….and shes just strange

Let it go , she’s doing well despite her childish behavior. Actually this is not uncommon . Some elderly pick who they want to manipulate , give the cold shoulder to etc . and others they will listen to .

Her not having a relationship with you is her loss .You are better off without her complaining and putting guilt trips .
This way you have peace .
(5)
Report

I second Geaton's excellent response.
(1)
Report

Stop grinding on it, it's over and you did the right (and difficult) thing. Seriously (and respectfully) stop wasting brain time on it. You may never know the reason and if you do, it might not make any sense anyway. It's in the past. Problem is solved. Move onward and upward.

May you receive peace in your heart.
(6)
Report

it is not so odd. My father wouldn't listen to anything I had to say so if I needed him to do something I would tell someone else to tell him. My receptionist at work could get him to do things, but his own daughter couldn't.
(6)
Report

In her mind POA means control over you. Some people think POA means they have someone at their beck and call legally. You have to do what they want because you have POA. They don't realize that you don't have to take on that responsibility because they assigned you. This is one area that POA and Executor has to change. People assigned also need to sign they except the position. Lots of people don't understand that they do not have to except the position they were not aware of being given.

Why, when Aunt has other relatives nearby, picked you who is 5 hours away, she may not even know. Maybe because you did go out of your way for her, Maybe because she did see where your an easy target. A target that set boundaries she did not appreciate.

I was a people pleaser. I would never hurt anyone intentionally. But that was not reciprocated. So, I am no longer a people pleaser. It gives off a vibe, I think, people take advantage of. Not that I can't be hurt, but I don't dwell on it and " think, what did I do". I will never know what I did or didn't do but one thing I know, is that I did not do what the person expected me to do. Which did not obligate me because they expected it.

So stop trying to figure Aunt out. You know if you contact her she will expect you to do for her. Continue sending her the little gifts bit continue no contact. I went for a few years trying to figure my MIL out. Just when I thought I had and could work around it, she would change course. So I found the best thing was just not try anymore. She had expectations that I couldn't or was not willing to meet. Her problem, not mine. She eventually moved 900 miles away. Saw her 1 or 2x a year.
(5)
Report

You're absolutely right. Thank you.
(2)
Report

Totally get where you're coming from. This will never make sense, I get it, but for your mental and emotional (and probably physical) health, please bless it and let it go. There will always be some people that we can never understand. You've done nothing wrong.
(9)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter