Not literally.
Mom won't answer the phone. A physical therapist is suposed to start seeing mom. So the therapist has to call me. Then mom will call me to see if she called to find out when she is coming. The first visit got messed up. So mom missed starting today. It wouldn't have if she would answer the phone.
She calls me angry because she is in a lot of pain and missed her first appointment. I told her I was going to call today since no one called me yesterday. I thought I would be home. I forgot about a scheduled volunteer session I had. So she called five times geting more upset each time. Because I was supposed to be home and making the call to physical therapy place.
I said do you want someone to come out tomorrow. She said no. You told them not to come out today and to come out Thursday. But later the therapist called me and said she can come tomorrow. And I said yes. Thinking of how upset mom was telling me she is in lots of pain. But mom may not call me untill later tomorrow after the time the therapist will show up.
Mom wants to know when they are comming so she will stay in the living room to hear the doorbell. She is very hard of hearing. Brother lives there also. But he gets up in morning and goes back to sleep for hours cause he stays up late. He wont answer phone eighter. And he might be asleep upstairs and not hear doorbell. Mom might not hear it. The therapist might then leave. And mom will be angry again. If a therapist cant come out again the next day. Thursday. The day I actually had told the company to send someone out.
I'm stressed out. Help.
Barbara
shoulder. Then came lots of added pain. She uses a walker and had to get mamagram. The lady holding her up pulled hard on her shoulders and arms trying to get her in correct positions. The day before she pulleda muscle reaching up to put dishes away. She is 89 and refuses to pay for help even if I help pay. I bought her two moist heating pads on small and one large. She uses them. Doctor said use extra stength Tylenol. She said didnt work. Doctor then said try motron. I told mom totell brother to goget motron. She said she would think about it. I live an hour and a half away. Brother lives in house with her. Doctor wont give prescription pain pills cause of all moms other perscription drugs. She also has stage three kidney disease. Dont know if that has anything to do with being careful on prescription drugs. She is better than she was when she came home from the mamagram.
She calls me everyother day. And inbetween when she needs me to help her take care of something. She was and I guess still is being harassed by a former employee of my fathers. Dad died six years ago. This employee wants money for doctor and hospital bills. He cleaned stain in parking lot of business with something thatgot in his lungs. He keeps calling mom threatening to sue her. I think she was giving him small amounts of money over the years since dad died. Then told him she couldn't anymore. She won't involve police or lawyer. Says he uses other peoples phones sometimes so telephone company cant help. She won't tell me his number or name. I dont think this person would really sue. But moms fears of being sued are realistic. She was sued twice as the owner of dads property since he died. She setteled each time. Brother wont talk to strangers. He wont answer the phone eighter. He has personality disorder.
Barbara
My brother lives in the house. Idont know if they would do a wellness check. Besides, that would only get mom to lie about how well she can manage. And do nothing. Adult protective services was called out. And did nothing. Cause of brothers excessive temper. Social worker told me they dont do anything unless its an extreme situation.
But. It is, I agree, symptomatic of the total disorganisation surrounding your mother's care; and there you are trying to deal with it but with no co-operation either from your mother or from your brother, who normally would be best placed to deal with routine appointments because he lives there.
So, what to do. No good calling your mother - she doesn't hear the phone, and your brother doesn't answer it.
Does your brother agree, in principle, that your mother needs this PT? Can you text him, does he have a cellphone? Would he agree to liaise with the PT?
Or, can you arrange to take your mother to the PT's office? That way you make the appointment, you tell your mother when you're collecting her, you're in control. The drawback, of course, is that it means you have to find a minimum of, what, five hours to deal with one appointment - but at least it won't all end up in a b*gger's muddle like this week's has.
The other reason to take charge of it is that, once you have run your therapist to earth, you can make friends with her and work out a better way together to fix appointments and communicate about them.
Don't forget, professionals in this field deal all the time with elders who really are on their own, and who have hearing loss, disabilities, you name it. Where there's a will there's a way, and you should find they'll have ideas that work.
Overall, though, it comes down to this choice for you: *either* take charge of the appointments and do the extra work involved, *or* butt out and leave your mother's GP/PCP to sort out the healthcare he/she has prescribed. Right now you're stuck between the two and getting crushed - not fair on you, and not getting your mother the treatment she needs.
No, brother doesnt have cell phone. And wouldn't comunicate with me if he did.
Mom can hear the phone. She just wont answer it.
But again, that is something you either take control of or just live with.
For the rest of today, anyway, please take a break and look after yourself - there's nothing you can do about anything now, and I hate to think of you worrying and upsetting yourself over it. Let's start again in the morning - try to get some sleep?
I doubt you will get the therapist to give you their number unless they have a phone for work only. Our nurse usually sets up her own appt times the evening before she comes from her personal phone, number blocked of course.
Can you look into a different PT company? Maybe there is a local place she can go to, and not have to worry about someone calling, setting up appointments, and actually being able to get into the house.
But I agree, you MUST take charge, or everyone is going to walk all over you, and you don't need this added stress. If your mother and brother don't want to answer the phone, stop calling for a week. I'll bet they'll take notice to that, and hopefully they'll make some changes.
Good Luck and God Bless Hadnuff . . .
Mother refuses to do sensible things to help herself (like look at caller ID). I don't know what her cognitive abilities are. Perhaps she can't help herself at this point. But I do know this: It is Not Your Fault.
Brother is mentally ill and can barely take care of himself, let alone your mother. Mental illness is cruel, and I feel sorry for him. Or maybe he is just a lazy jerk using his disability as an excuse. I sure don't know. But I do know this, absolutely: It is Not Your Fault.
You have an anxiety disorder. Not Your Fault. You are working hard to compensate for it. Good for you. You love your mother, you understand her disorders and illnesses. You are a compassionate and conscientious person. But you are not SuperWoman and can't take on all the burdens of the world. Or even all the burdens of your family.
I think it is time to acknowledge that the family burdens are not your fault, you are not obligated (or qualified) to fix them, and you need to focus on what you can at least partially fix -- your own health and happiness.
I'm not suggesting that you abandon your mother. Far from it. Do your best for her. But also realize that your best is all you can do. And there is no point in feeling guilty or inadequate when your best is not enough. That is Not Your Fault.
Do your best to get the PT sessions going. If you can't work it out with a reasonable number of phone calls, oh well, she just won't have PT. As someone pointed out, that won't be the end of the world. If you can't persuade her to arrange to get the pain med the doctor recommended, oh well, she'll just be in pain. That is too bad, of course, but you don't have control over her.
Do your best. Stop trying to go beyond that.
You are going to need to say "no" to her. "no mom, I can't do that". You can't communicate with a therapist for her under the rules that she's laid out. "You're going to have to make other arrangements yourself, mom". "Call the doctor mom, perhaps his office staff can help make those arrangements. What you're asking me to do is not possible".
If you believe that someone is blackmailing your mom, indeed, call the police and report that. But perhaps she's become paranoid and delusional?
In any event, you need to protect your own mental health at this point. Again, please understand that you're not being a bad daughter. Your mother is asking something of you that is simply NOT POSSIBLE TO ACCOMPLISH.
You are too far away to manage this. The next step might be AL. Get APS and/or Area Agency on Aging involved.
When the police start banging on the door, your lazy brother will do something. He doesn't sleep all day.
I dont have this persons name, address or phone number. And mom says he uses other peoples phone as well as his own to make calls.
Mom thinks the physical therapy might help with her pain. She wanted me to find out before the therapist came if it would. Told me not to hire a therapist if it wouldnt. Told her the therapist cant tell till she sees you. I think occupational therapy might be helpful to mom. And the only way to get her to accept it is if they come in for her pain. Mom is rigid. Always has been.
Barbara
Other than that, you say your mother - let's leave your brother out of it for the moment - can think and function just fine. Yes? And you go on to say that she is rigid. Then for heaven's sake, let her get on with her life. Be a sounding board, make sympathetic noises, but don't get involved - and especially not when your mother doesn't let you do anything useful. For example, the way to go with the PT and the OT and the pain management could be something like this:
Mother: So you think the physical therapist might help?
You: Yes, I think it would be a good idea to get a consult, anyway.
Mother: Well don't hire one if it won't.
You: No, I won't be hiring one. It will be much better if you arrange it through your doctor's office.
Mother: Oh I don't want to do that.
You: That's a pity. I think it might be helpful. Why not make the call and see what happens?
And round and round and round you go. But the key is the boundary here: you sympathise, you discuss, you share ideas… but you do not *do*. If your mother is in charge, then let her do it.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-I-deal-wih-mom-193298.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-separate-myself-from-mom-193087.htm
I think perhaps seeing a therapist for validation of both your concerns and techniques for dealing with mom and brother might be in order. NOT because you're crazy, but because they are certainly doing a number on your self-confidence.
Barbara
You might be jumping into problem solving mode when she wants you just to listen - and that is frustrating to you both. My husband and I often ask each other "do you want a shoulder or problem solving" so we can listen and help appropriately.
If she does want problem solving - then she has to help with options - not just say no to everything. You can say "what do you want" (not what do you want ME to do) and "what are you willing to do, mom, to get that done". You can certainly help but don't own the solution - it is up to her.
If she wants you to listen - just do that with patience and love.
Keep us posted. There is nothing harder than watching a situation with a ton of crazy going on and people won't do what seems like logical steps. Then all you can do is love them and make sure they know that you love them.
It is an improvment.
Barbara
That is great! That is a step int he right direction and each step is a big accomplishment. It takes YEARS to get this all figured out and to have the self-confidence to detach a bit. Keep your shoulder to the wheel. You will get it!