Emotionally and physically exhausted am I. I'm a single woman, taking care of both parents (one a stroke survivor, the other living w/heart disease and an uncle of diminished mental capacity. Brother, sister live out of state and barely even call to speak to them much less ask me if I need any help or anything.
I'm hearing a lot lately from the older generation of aunts and uncles, that it's a good thing I never married and/or had children since I'm now the "mother".
I hate when they say that, I really do. I'm no one's mother!!! I'm a daughter and a niece. Make that a burnt-out daughter and niece who is fast reaching her limit and have for the past few weeks daydreamed what would happen if she went out one day and never came back.
I'd never do it of course but I never thought I'd get to the point of even wondering about leaving these people I love in such need. But, what about me?
This site has been very useful to me. Stay in touch!
Like that saying: "No one notices house work till you DON'T DO IT." It is The " invisible person" who becomes all too visible when there is a major chore to be undertaken and taken away from others. Maybe we do have more time, maybe we are "Just Here" but still, we can't be 24/7 on such a draining task as full time care giving. We took On and took In the responsibility that should be a whole families duty on our own and when we need help????... Well, who becomes invisible then?........
We are her for each other.
Often sibs are in denial. My brother is and I can't blame him a bit. Our oarents are/were far from ideal and many of us are trying to lose the baggage while caring for parents that did not/don't care for us. I hope this is not the case for you.
Long ago one daughter (esp. Irish) was expected to stay single to care for their parents when they became incapacitated. This is a cold and hard thing to accept. Your other relatives may be thinking along this line and I am sorry if they feel this way toward you.
Understand that this is NOT your fate or your value. Please disregard what the other elderly family members say.
You are entitled to a life also. Please try to arrange to have some "you time". What you are doing is very noble, true and good; but please tend to yourself also.
GOD give you protection, stregnth, peace and comfort.
I really don't know about the sibling thing. To me, if my bro or sis were in my shoes, I'd definitely be right in there with whatever I could and should do.
Again, thank you all so very much. This is a community I will definitely be a part of and hope I can encourage you along the way as well.
You might think you're invisible, but we see you and share your pain. Of course it's okay to vent here girl! Sacrifices have come and gone unnoticed, yet you're still making them for the people dearest to your heart until you decide otherwise.
Some people, perhaps, might think you're a fool but definitely not a quitter. Your resilience amazes me (I'm getting a little misty-eyed here), and everyone in this forum should take their hats, wigs, and hairpieces off to you. ... Because you're living proof of a true caregiver.
My love always,
-- ED
Mom, with help from her paid caregiver, disowned me earlier this year,revoked my POA,etc. She no longer speaks to me either or to my family. She doesn't have dementia, she's just always preferred anybody over me. She told me many times that she'd get me.
Can we say "dysfunctional family" and "big mess" and "lawyers"?
WHEN everyone was talking, sister sent mom one check and told her to take the caregiver to lunch as thanks from her. That caregiver should be honored, sis probably still has the allowances she got when she was 12, she's so tight.
Sis flew in to see dad many years ago when he had a near fatal heart attack. The next time she saw him was 8 years later at his funeral.
I understand anyone who admits they can't handle the unpleasant. It's the ones who lie or refuse at the expense of others I have difficulty dealing with.
Also my mother-in-law does that too. She tells me stuff and then says, 'oh don't tell such and such what I said'. So what do I do? I tell such and such what she said! And guess what? She has told such and such the very same thing about me. I hate mind games. But in her case with her memory in the crapper, I don't think she's being malicious, just forgetful of who she says what to. I think ratting out your mother on a regular basis to your siblings is crucial for all of you.
If you ever find out, please share.
I have 3 older sibling, two are somewhat supportive yet not involved.
The other has vacations & wealth to tend to.
All with educational Master's & PHd's ... none seem to have any basic sense of aging. They are getting there themselves.
It's easier for me to do it all. It works fro them.
It's kinda like knowing exactly what your disease is, then make a plan on treatment.
Looks like we are all sneaking in your back door.
You HAVE found the best friends I could imagine! Huh, Peach?
I too am single, never had kids. Finding myself alone with eldercare is exhausting! For months I barely ate & rarely slept. I'm getting better at it all now. I simply gave up on true help from my family. Lot's of grand gestures & heroic acts, but nothing that really helped.
I like you started a new topic! Watch out .... it will catch on!
Our computers are our best friends ... or I should say the people on our computers.
Cheers ~
Rip
Welcome to our haven of rest & encouragement! You'll find that alhough we're in the same boat that we still take the time to be there for each other! This site has been a life saver to me & so many more!
I am SO sorry that you're having to go through all of this & that your siblings aren't there for you, their parents or their uncle! You really have your hands full! And I'm also sorry that mean & insensitive comments ahve been made to you!
I totally understand about sometimes wanting to "escape"! We have a major interstate about 10 minutes from here & I have often thought of getting on it & just taking off! But I am the only caregiver for my husband, who is fighting Parkinson's Disease & I just couldn't go off & leave him. His kids have a lot in common with your brother & sister in that, although we live in the same town, they NEVER call, let alone come to visit! They have never asked if there's anything that they can do to help or if he needs anything! That breaks his heart, as I'm sure that it does your parents & uncle! I'm glad that they have you to be there for them & to be so caring & loving for them!
Now, what can we do to help you?? We can offer suggestions...please feel free to vent all you want...We'll be there to listen & give you support! The suggestion of getting a Home Health company to help is a great idea! My husband has one that has come & done physical therapy with him & he also has a nurse that comes every 2 weeks to check his vitals. You can find Home Health companies in the yellow pages of the phone book. And if your parents have Medicare their services will probably be covered with no out of pocket expense to you guys! They should also have a social worker that might be of service in helping you to get some much needed help & rest. We've never used it, but I've heard that respite care is very beneficial & will give you some much needed rest.
I'm glad that you've found this site & won't be alone anymore! We gotta be here for each other! I know that it's not always easy, but please make some time for JUST YOU!!! You deserve it! You're the only YOU that there will ever be!
Hope you'll have an easy afternoon!
(((((((((((((((((((((((Invisible)))))))))))))))))))))))...This is a cyber-hug...next best thing to being there!
GeorgiaPeach
When I first started here, my mom was difficult at best. Since then she decided we (my kids and me) weren't good enough for her and she no longer has anything to do with us. I've been able to express my hurt and disappointment here, probably so much I've made others sick of hearing it! ;-)
In 3 wks, I'm taking early retirement to be my one yr old grandson's caretaker (paid) and to spend more time with my husband, who's health is decling day by day. He's the love of my life and I don't want to have any regrets of lost time with him.
Don't get me started on the help I never got from my sister, mom's golden child. I don't see how she sleeps at night. If your sibs haven't stepped up by now, they probably never will.
How insensitive of your relatives to make such comments to you. You are you, a caring person who is doing what you feel is right. I hope you can find some respite because you deserve to have time for yourself.
vent all you want and uw ill feel better ,
i swear if i didnt know this exist i would nt know what i be doing now .
you sure do have ur hands full . plz go find a home health care or somethings thats out there , ask the doctors if he could order a nurse tocome out , they ll help bathe em also . give u a little break ,
im taking care of 87 yrs old dad and it is hard and lonely and depressing , im not too bad now since i found this site .
ya learn from others and take the best advice there is .
hire someone toc ome in for few hrs or longer so u could get out and have time for urself ,
i dont hire anybody cuz my daughter will come and sit with my dad if i needed to get away . so it all works out ok for me .
keep coming here my friend and i know u will feel so much better . theres so many out there that is going thru so much also .
welcome !!! xoxo