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My mom always put my dad on a pedestal, when dad passed, she put my youngest brother on a pedestal.
My brother is, POA, executor, and has his name on the deed of mom's house. He is a high ranking officer and always busy, but is in charge of everything. Mom thinks I'm supposed to worship him the way she does, and do everything for her because, that's what women do. Which leaves my brother in complete charge and acting like an officer acts.
Mom was doing well with what I have been doing for her the last 4 years, but the beginning of this year has had one set back after another. My brother refuses to step back, refuses AL, or home care, or paying me.
My brother has pre cancers cells on his esophagus that needs scraping every month, I know this is extremely serious. My brother was at ground zero after 911, for 6 months. He has seen more horrors in his career than we can even imagine. Lost and loses friends and other services members, honestly, sometimes weekly, between wars, cancer, and suicides its bad.
So because of this I was doing everything, even making his bed at moms. He is at moms and average of 2 weekends a month. I and my older brother do everything the other 26 or so days a month.
I'm in a good place now so no worries, limiting my time as much as I can at moms, enjoying and living my life. But I do like all us caregivers get frustrated and upset at times.
To finish my story and add another twist, when I left my ex, he became best friends with my brother. I don't mean the typical best friend stuff, when they are not working they are together, at breweries, they bought a boat together, so every weekend he is at mom's, he is usually boating and playing. Or going on many weekend trips together. I'm pretty positive my ex is also my brother executor of his will. That is a rumor, my son told me. Also moms that worship there son, they also worship whomever is in their life, meaning my ex, is on moms pedestal too.
I really suspect my ex will someday be living at mom’s house.
My brother will have no communication with me, as for when he is going away or going to be at moms. Officers don't tell there corporals anything. My ex usually tells me.
I do know that I should completely walk away from all this, I have put many boundaries down and I'm actually rather happy the way things are going, now that my older brother is really helping, big time. He has really bucked up for about six months. We are very different people, but we show each other much respect.
Just wanted to share my story and open a thread so when I do need to vent, people can read and understand where I'm coming from.
Btw, I like humor so can I get a 🏆, for having one of the most dysfunction families. 😂 Thanks for reading all this, and thanks so much for all the help I've received the last 9 months

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Nacy, my new friend,
I appreciate you.
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Oh, Dawn I finally found someone that understands what I'm dealing with.

I've been feeling like there is a lot more going on here than , just a case of golden child.

I heard my brother is about to make Colonel, and I'm sure there is PTSD going on to.

If you have anything else you can share with me, that may help understand this, please do
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I could win 5 trophies for family dysfunction, but won't go into it.
Just know I GET IT. My Dad was a Colonel, Commander of the 101st Airborne in Ft. Campbell, Kentucky. Both husbands were ARMY Veterans.

I made new friends in 2005, and they are a diverse group of great people. We all are still great friends all these years later.

You can't choose you family!
My life slogan is: You do for those who do for you.
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Alva, I wish needshelp was her to see how far I've come, 🙂‍↕️, so much is because of her.
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Funky, thank you so much , I am proud of myself. Just a bit of a set back this week!

Alva, I'm glad that all came out right!

Ineed, I'm planning on walking the minute mom dies, I don't want anything, I for the most part do the bare minimum, now. This week was not a usual week. But thanks for the advice!
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It sounds like your brother is a control freak, to put it in non-military terms. I would worry about what he's up to with your ex. Is it possible if he passes before your mom, he could appoint your ex as POA over your mom and give your ex a portion of your mom's house? I would try to find the answers out through an elder care attorney. Sometimes law schools have free help. I paid $400 for a one hour session with an elder care attorney but it was worth it.
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It's a great short synopsis, Nacy. Thorough and well done. Let's us know a lot involved.
You are very intertwined with your family. Almost enmeshed, I think.
They always say that we have two chances at family. The one we are born to and the one we make.

I often say that I think the luckiest folks are those who do not live in the same state as their siblings, as their parents, as their children. I still do think so, hard as it is and much as you might miss them.

We are all very complicated. We all have strong opinions and private needs. It is complicated in each family. What is it Tolstoy said in Anna Karenina
"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way".
Well said.
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Anxiety, you've come a long way from when you first came on this forum, and for that you should be proud. Keep up the good work.
You are a good example of why most of us stay on here, and that is to try and help others struggling when they need help.
You took the advice given and applied it to your situation, while there are others on here, I won't mention names, but more recently someone who thought they were being bullied but in reality was just stringing those that chose to stay on her thread along for a very LONG ride, with NO intent of making any changes EVER.
So kudos to you for being wise enough to make the necessary changes to make your life and your caregiving situation better.
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