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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.

The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"

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🌸🥰🌸🥰🌸
Words of wisdom:

“You’ll never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.”
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🙂
“I haven’t heard from you lately, and I’ve really enjoyed it.”
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“Because I carry it well, doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.”
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🌸🥰🌸🥰🌸
May all the heavy things you’ve been carrying…
one day carry you.
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bundleofjoy

"Seeing people walk out from my life is really painful, I want them to run."

One in particular whose leaving was to die for. They died for. There was no other way, but as I wrote about another: you're dying, but I'm thriving; for you it's the end, but for me, I'm gettin to begin
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…Many of us have lost years staying loyal to toxic people…
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🙂
Seeing people walk out from my life is really painful, I want them to run.
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Could say more but will only say that this written with a tad of possible wisdom, much humor, a speck of sarcasm but a lot of love.

As time draws near for my nighttime ritual, here is a timely poem from the various titles of well known and not so well known TV shows from a world far, far, away.

"Oh, how the Young and the Restless look for Another World while this one is on The Edge of Night seeking for a Guiding Light to get all of us through The Dark Shadows in hope that As The World Turns ,The Brighter Day will come even for those in The Secret Storm who are All My Children who with us all are on The Road of Life for From These Roots comes The Brighter Life in the Moment of Truth about The Days of Our Lives that Love Is a Many Splendored Thing as we have Only One Life to Live!|"

Good night! Sleep tight!
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words to live by
⭐️⭐️⭐️🍀🍀🍀

You’ve mastered surviving. It’s now time to live.
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😇🌸
Let go or
be dragged down.
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Hothouse, what's interesting to me about your story of MIL and the dishwasher is that there are ways to do things that don't leave lasting hurtful impressions like that. She could have said, "I know it's silly, but I have this way I load it because it acts up and doesn't clean right if I don't. Thank you for doing that." And be nice about it and acknowledge your efforts. It's never just one event, though, and I know that. It's a pattern of putting-down and being mean and fussy that goes with it.
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I really feel for all of you still going through the emotional chaos that dysfunctional parents and family bring into our lives. Getting distance, finding some measure of acceptance... these things save my sanity. When family can't hurt me anymore, I find I'm also a better influence on them (or maybe it just feels that way because I'm not enmeshed, you know?). I can suggest behavior changes in a friendly, supportive way, and they're more receptive (I think?).

Protect your hearts, dears. You have to, or you'll go crazy.
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Nitpicking...

I remember many times (and still now) I would see my mother, and she would assess me from head to toe and comment about things -- what I was wearing, what my hair looked like, etc. It's just her way of being curious, I think, but it always felt off-putting and isolating, like I was a specimen of some kind. She doesn't give compliments; she doesn't necessarily give insults, either -- she just overtly looks me up and down and comments on various things. lol I've gotten used to it, but it's not the way I would approach someone I love to show them affection, you know?

We all need to go easy on each other and not do those kinds of behaviors if they are of no real importance. It's rude, isn't it? I think it is. These are micro-aggressions, a way to put others down or micro-manage behaviors.
...

I have a young woman (32yo?) therapist now. This is interesting for me! It's my first venture into any ongoing therapy or counseling. The first session yesterday mainly was me bringing her "to speed" on the most significant events in my childhood/caregiving/life, and where I find myself now. I hope that she and I can really "gel." Vibe. And I hope I can learn some valuable perspectives. I'm unsure what I think of her yet, but she seems nice enough. She was pretty quiet in the first meeting. Perhaps that is normal, or maybe I talked way too much. I did arrive with notes to review, after all. Lol. I wanted to inform her of certain background information and try to give her perspective on how I've found myself in the present time with anxiety issues that really detract from my everyday quality of life, and tell her what I hope to accomplish through therapy.

I don't know. She's quiet and young. I don't know what I expected, but a bossy, opinionated therapist would be appreciated by me. 😁 Tell me to get out of my head and go to the gym! lol

Jokes aside, what a wonderful tool this is—simply having someone to tell your most troubling heart burdens to and getting (at least) some encouragement. I'll take the validation.
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That was my MIL. I never did anything right as far as she was concerned. Straw that broke the camel's back was the time she unloaded the dishwasher that I loaded after the family Sunday dinner. I was very insulted and never pitched in to help after that. She's gone now but the memory lingers on.
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My mom nitpicks at me at times, but she doesn't like it whenever I nitpick at her. Talk about hypocrisy.

Chances are, she'd get upset with me if I ever called her out for her nitpicking. She's gotten on me for how I put paperclips on things, my handwriting a few months back, filling up her glasses a little too high with water or Coca-Cola, giving her water that wasn't warm enough when she needed to wash her hands and sometimes giving her water that was too hot, and how I put things in envelopes.

She'll label those things as providing advice, but it's nothing more than excuses to nitpick.
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🥰🙂
Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean,
but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.
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i like this quote:

🙂
"Many people would be scared
if they saw in the mirror,
not their faces...
but their character."
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this is a warning.
it's about the topic of mean/rude/toxic/dysfunctional people in our lives...

i want to say:
i was in a shoe shop the other day. the seller was talking about the importance of getting rid of pebbles in your shoe: "you know...if you walk for a few minutes with a pebble in your shoe, it's not that bad...2 miles later, still tolerable...10 miles later, you start feeling a lot of pain...20 miles later, intolerable...!"

but i think it's a very useful metaphor.

i started thinking about rude "friends"/acquaintances i have in my life, and other dysfunctional people...

it's true. years later, with that pebble (toxic "friend") in your life...you'll get worn down, without realizing it.

so what i'm saying is, it's good to look at one's life, and see who needs to get cut out.
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Hi Ali Very well done!!! So interesting and so very complicated. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Good to hear from you as always. Awesome to think you are getting near the end of this particular phase of your education. It will continue, of course, whether formally or not. Learning is life long.

You've come a long way, baby!!! 😊😊😊
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Hi Ali, well done for your succes on finishing your neuropsych class.

Your experience really reaffirms the truth that not so much is known about our brains as they are very complex :-)

Keep up the good work!
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...butting in to put down a little "hello friends" post.

I finished my neuropsychology class. My final project was on the effects of hemorrhagic stroke. I chose that topic because a good friend had one a year or so ago, and I hoped I'd learn something useful for him. What I learned is that the brain is incredibly complex. I guess I didn't need to pay tuition to learn that, haha. All in all, it was a great class choice for my elective.
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🥰🙂
I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am.
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😇
Keep calm
&
Let the idiots talk
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🥰
This is a good one for us caregivers:

”I stopped waiting for the applause and thank you’s - and instead, gave myself a standing ovation.”
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😇 useful thing to say to a toxic family member:

“I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I’ve never been closer to blocking your number.”
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I felt awful, I was mom's caregiver for her last 30 years of her life. Mom was 81 years old and a very sick woman to begin with, she fell and had a traumatic brain injury, i had to put hospice and passed very peacefully, now my siblings are upset and my sister is accused me that I killer her 😢
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Mom: Refuses to be active and exercise, let alone do PT

Also Mom: "I don't understand why I'm heavy."

This was just after one of her bathroom runs after I got her back onto her bed.
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(((((Sharyn)))) The hits keep coming at you. I am glad you are settling at home and enjoying "real" food. Much better for you. I love salmon!!! Paperwork is the pits. I sympathize.
I also sympathize about your son and dil. I have one difficult dil and one very loving one. I know it isn't easy with your son and his wife. I think you are doing the right things.
So, so sorry about what happened to your sis. She deserved much better care than that and I am glad your niece is not letting it go. I pray for a good resolution for her and you and for peace. Father God, You are a God of mercy and justice. I ask that Your hand be upon this case and the injured family, and that You bring it to a good conclusion and bring them peace.
Sharyn, you are a strong person and will manage through all of this. I ask for blessings upon your life and on your loved ones. Thanks for updating us. I appreciate hearing from you.
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Hi again, my niece is suing the nursing/rehab facility my sister was placed in after her peripheral artery bypass in one leg. The reason why is because her records clearly state she was a fall risk and they did not have anything on her bed to alert aids/nurses, she was to have physical therapy so she could go home and continue her life and did not receive it, they never developed a care plan with my niece. My niece did not know a care plan needed because it was never brought up in any conversations. My niece and I both alerted them because of a personality change to have her tested for a uti on December 4, 2023. I asked them on December 5 if they got a sample. They said yes, however, the aid said the lab was on strike so no one has picked up the sample. I left to come home on December 6. My niece asked them again about the sample. Nothing was done, on December 8 my sister was transferred back to a hospital because she was swearing at aids and nurses and very combative. She was diagnosed with severe UTI, severe dehydration, and sepsis/toxic shock. She passed due kidney failure. Yes, she was having higher than normal creatinine levels and has been for a few years but did not need dialysis at that time until this UTI.

It really upsets us because we believe they should have more than one lab to work with, most medical facilities do, even dr offices.
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Thank you isthisrealyreal and Anxietynacy, I agree 100%. My son called me asking me to give her a call, she would appreciate it. I did call her the next day, she didn’t want to talk much. I personally think she didn’t want to talk because there is really nothing wrong with her. She just wants to be babied and have no responsibility. I won’t call her again. I told her if she wants to talk with me, she can call me.

I have more than enough on my plate with forms to fill out for financial transfers, life insurance on my hubs, affidavit for surviving spouse. I may have to file for probate because the court may deny my affidavit for surviving spouse.

our car payment has my name on it, yet my hubs is primary. This financial institution may want me to refinance the loan. They want a copy of the death certificate to remove hubs name from loan. I’m stalling because I want to pay it off when the life insurance is processed. Lots of stuff to complete and it’s all the paperwork I dislike so very much. This is why I could not be a secretary
🤪.

im enjoying my grandsons and see them Tuesday - Friday plus once a month lunch/brunch I take them out to.

Buster is getting better in accepting that hubs is gone like I am. He sleeps on the floor in bedroom with me, a golden retriever does not work on the bed. I’m taking him in about every 8 weeks to be groomed and cut the long hair to his tummy, his leg hair that is long especially the back end and shave the sanitary areas.

im having salmon, rice and asparagus tonight for my dinner. It’s really nice being able to eat real food again most nights.

Have a peaceful weekend everyone💕🌷🥀
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