notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
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I'm happy for you and your husband that he made the right decision and put his wife before his mother and moved your MIL out of the your house.
I was an in-home caregiver as my employment for 25 years befor going into the business of it. I was also one to my abusively needy mother for a time.
Every person I ever provided care to learned very fast that the tantrums, crying, demands, and verbal abuse got them absolutely nowhere with me. I NEVER waited on any care client hand and foot not even my own mother. I learned early on what the actual job of a caregiver is. It's to help a person. To make sure their basic needs are met and they are safe. This does not include catering to fussy nonsense and stubbornness or being verbally abused by them. This does not include doing the work of a full staff of domestic servants either. It does not mean babysitting an elder without pay because their family wants a break. I had a family pull this one time on me. It was Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the family's secret plan to leave for their holiday plans straight from work and stick me with their "loved one". I tried calling for a couple hours and no one answered. So I called the police and left grandma with the cops. The police reached them.
Families who always say there's nothing wrong with a person and criticize the one who has to take care of them it's because they're in denial. Or they want to make sure they don't have to take on any of it.
Good for you and your husband. He did the right thing even if the family is giving some backlash about it. Any one of them can take your MIL in and take over the caregiving.
You too Eva!
Maybe try mindfulness, I have been writing a poetry journal, it really helps me work through my problems. If I have an issue I will , go to AI, tell it a bit of my issue, and ask it help me start a poem. I will clean and think about my next line , write and clean some more. Then later in the day, I wrote something in really proud of, and the best part I pretty much got over my issue of the day.
The most helpful thing you could do now is to tell us how you brought it to an end, how your husband reacted, and what has happened since.
The really funny thing is , I found out the army sent my brother to mandatory classes on how to get along with people better. 🤭, so it's not just me!😝
"My bags are packed and I'm ready to go. 🎶 🎶". Very excited, leaving Friday. Not worried about mom anymore, took her out this morning to dollar general, and realized how much I've done for her the last 4 years, and there is no way she would be as healthy as she is , mentally and physically if it wasn't for me. So I'm not gonna worry!! ✈️🚢🏝️
You too peasuep!
🫂💕
As one who is a bit tired of so much complaining about things as if they are the first ones to every see such problems, here's my sentiment.
"Really now, my older baby boobers were saying this for over a decade before I was born and we kept hearing it over and over again plus we said it too, plus the nuclear war drills in school, the race-Veltman-equal rights riots, political corruption, sexual issues, the government killing its own people on college campuses, environmental protests, fake government created shortages to jack up prices for industries, inflation rates peaking at levels not seen in decades-yet we complain today, churches turning their backs on youth-looking down on even the one who did come to Jesus-but didn’t dress, cut their hair, enjoy music like them, assassinations it seemed like 1 every so many years in a row plus, TV stations asked parents if they knew where their children were at 10 pm given the dangerous social unrest in society and whatever else I forgot."
So, with this context, my advice is for those wanting to survive times like these, which appear to be again, but on steroids, as a boomer.
It was raining here yesterday and I'm almost feeling like I have spring fever - the lazy type.
I think I am just tired from the last few years of house downsizing, moving and the related work and adjustments, R's health issues, and now DD's issues. I want a break.
Re your bro and the PTSD neighbour - I hear you and think you are wise to keep your distance.
Thinking of your upcoming cruise and hope you have a great time.
I guess as humans , we never stop self discovery and learning
I've shared some deep stuff with you but here is something good that is arising out of this due in part to the work of my narcolepsy life coach.
My Narcolepsy life coaching is showing me that beneath the trauma and weeds and undergrowth from my chidhood trauma, are sparks of light that reflects my dad's input and thus the me before all this junk happened to me. The latest DNA analysis from Ancestry dot com says his DNA was from twice to four times as influential as my mom's. This provides a glimmer of hope. That's where the normal me is. Otherwise, I don't and I'm not sure anyone with a past childhood trauma like mine would feel normal. I have not felt like a normal man.
This coach is amazing in how he is able to draw insights into what I share about myself my interests, abilities and experiences with those things. I asked him for his notes from that experience and he did. I must go back over them in more depth and regularly to let them sink in deeply.
Altogether, but not to sound overly triumphant or unvanquished but given the influence and strength of my dad's DNA in me meant that mom was attempting a biological impossibility in trying to make me not like my dad or raise me on a pink pillow as my dad called it. There are buried fragments inside of me being very much like my dad that mom absolutely did not want true of me like my dad such as growing up as an all-American boy whatever that means. Also, going through the car phase and other phases that my dad pointed out that somehow, I missed.
When I shared these insights with my wife, she was not entirely focus as she wanted to get back to a TV program. She asked who the coach was although she knows that I've been meeting with my life coach now since before Thanksgiving every Thursday night. I think that she missed it when she said, oh so you will stop living in the past which is hardly what this means.
Frankly, there are times when I must deal with the past when these new waves of memories come. Those things happened to me but they don't define me as my clergy friend said in an email response. I believe that what I'm saying here is much more than not living in the past. It's discovering the real me beneath all of the junk and things that have grown over it. Only time will tell if she can handle or not handle the new me.
I'm starting to see and realize that my POA brother is very emotional unstable and has some pretty server , service related PTSD, sence he is my mothers God, all I can really do is keep my distance and observe, accept that he is not rational, boarding on dangerous. There is nothing I can do to help this situation, he will do anything to keep his mommy to himself, any lies, fabrication anything so mom only loves him. There is something very twisted inside him.
Me and my husband have been looking out for a neighbor with PTSD, we have really backed away from any help.
There just is no help for these 2, they are just shells of people and what Wars did to them mentally and physically.
Saddens me. Actually scared me a little, kinda starting to feel like Bates motel, crazy stuff.
Golden, how are you doing?
Me "Would you like this for a Christmas present?"
DD "Yes, that would be great."
A few days later:
Me: "How is it working for you?"
DD "Oh, I don't need anything like that."
This expensive present will likely go in the trash. It has happened before. I should learn my lesson and stick to just giving money. That's always welcome.
We did fairly well for years in the north when I went over to visit, Over the years I had various of family living with me when things went wrong on their household. Once I stayed with them for a few weeks when the water was off in my house, for which I was very grateful. But this transition where I am further way and not able to visit much or have anyone to stay has upset the balance.
Also, I have set a few boundaries which are not well received. But that's life. I guess. I'm just biding my time right now. I'm not interested in scenes and drama. I'm handling my life as peaceably as possible.
I feel terribly sorry for anyone who has this condition. It must make their life very difficult. While DD is not doing that well, Dgd is doing extremely well. As you say with your son - doing better and better. I am happy for both of you. Long may it continue. Thanks for sharing. It helped.
He is doing utterly amazing now, climbing up higher and higher in the mental health field for the state.
He lives over an hour away, also do to my learning issues I don't drive though heavy traffic, but he didn't understand that.
I adore him, and very proud of him, but do not see much of him. Honestly I think that's why we get along now, because we don't see much of each other. I'm at peace with it, now. So sorry, it's not fun.
Sharyn - thinking of you and your very recent loss. Tomorrow will not be an easy day. Processing it all takes time. I'm glad you have pets and family for support and distraction. Sounds like you are doing the right thing looking after yourself with the exercise bike and stretching.
My dd is showing symptoms of her BPD more since the move from the north started with first me, then her youngest, then, she, herself moving to E'ton. I can't "drop in" as I used to and she doesn't have a car often so we see little of each other. I'm the only one who makes phone calls. Always have been unless she needs something. I think she hoped things would return to what they used to be once she moved down here with me coming to visit but that amount of driving is unrealistic for me at my age.- the better part of an hour and lots of it in the city. I more and more rely on R to drive me places as I am weaning myself off being a driver. I do get to see my oldest son more than I did but again it's me coming to the city, as he doesn't drive and the transportation out to here is not good or expensive. I don't think dd even considers coming to visit me.
My solutions so far are to host family meals for all of us together, so R drives and we all see once another. We had a nice family brunch before Christmas and I will arrange that kind of thing again. It's not the same as dropping in and having girl talk but phone calls and texts just don't seem to be working well these days. DD knitted me a lovely scarf for Christmas - great pattern and soft pink colour which is what I wanted, but the yarn has bristles, which somehow seems appropriate.
Sorry to hear of your husband ceasing to use his CPAP and that he had a stroke as, yes, you guessed right, a result of not using it.
Another amazing night of sleep. 9 h 42 m. I love how I feel when I wake up plus other things as well.
Two suggestions.
1. Go outside for a walk or do something outside to get your mind elsewhere for about 15 to 20 minutes.
2. When you come back in do more study on your topic and then try writing.
I think your brain is tired and thus your mind can't kick in yet for writing. I hope this trick works. It does for me and I know others who have done the same thing.
Ali, I can say from experience as I’m sure you can too, narcissistic people don’t believe they have a problem, only those who disagree with them have a problem. Isn’t it amazing how we can see these things when we are not closely involved with difficult family members any longer.
tomorrow I go back to the funeral home to finalize my husbands headstone. Tomorrow will be one month since my hubs passed away. I still struggle with the reality of it. His committal will be April 11. I have my zoo keeping me company daily, my grandsons 4 days a week after school. I bought a used exercise bike from marketplace to aid with my stretching exercises.
Sharyn, I'm thinking of you and yours. Happy New Year. I hope things smooth out with what you're finding out after DH's unexpected death.
...
I haven't been back here to talk about what I witnessed during the Christmas holiday trip. I don't know where to start, and it's embarrassing.
It's one of those moments when I realized that I *must* stay busy with my life. It's not a deflection; it's my lifesaver. There are a couple of folks in my family that I'm not sure I can ever help by giving them outside help. I think underlying issues remain undiagnosed, and folks are too stubborn to gain clarity. No one wants to see your family and loved ones live the way some of mine are, and the three adults (mom, dad, younger bro) together... it's not a good mix of personalities and disorders.
I and many other United Methodists hear the phrase “means of grace” repeatedly. Most often, we hear about Wesley’s most important list of the means of grace. However, Wesley states there are the prudential means of grace. These are the ways in which God reaches out to us with his love, wisdom, strength, etc. according to one’s needs and circumstances.
Time and space fail to allow for all to be covered. Some are presented here to flesh this article out. I am reminded of a story about a young boy, afraid in the nighttime storm who had the following response to his mom’s comforting words, “dear God is with you,” saying, “yeah, but I want some flesh and blood”. Ever feel like that little boy at times? I am sure one has. All have at one time or another.
Help from the larger Christian and sometimes non-Christian community are the prudential means of how God’s grace comes to us incarnate, that is in flesh and blood. If God can speak through a donkey in the OT, then why can’t he use a non-Christians to give us his grace in our time of need.
I know of someone whose life illustrates the variety, importance, and real-life help of God’s prudential means of grace in their life. Some people were short term means of prudential grace who came for a season and then were gone. Others helped meet specific needs at the time which later either were not needed any longer or others took their place because of moving or something. A faithful few have been continuous means of prudential grace over the long-haul of more than 24 years offering insights, wisdom, a non-judgmental listening ear, offering perspective and even pointing them to where they could get practical help. These people included friends, relatives, sport instructors and family, fellow travelers with guidance about where to find financial help when needed, complete strangers, and more. Not all make it into this quickly told edition, but all are thanked.
Our story beings 25 years ago in a family with a wife and two children. The husband was under extreme professional and personal stress as was the family with one member having severe mental health challenges with repeating hospital visits. After one visit, a nurse offered him a handout about NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) encouraging him to contract the state office to learn more and how they could help. This stranger was the means through which he met new people who already understood his path plus offered their own support as well as free resources for his journey. Their help lasted longer than their ability to keep up with him over the years.
Soon his children spoke of learning a sport that he could learn with them. This meant crossing paths with an unexpectedly helpful person and family with his children in times of emergencies plus other ways as well. Their experience of prudential grace was reciprocal. Learning that new sport together was a great means of stress relief plus a transient escape which we all need at times.
However, well intentioned, he sought to be a therapist for his children since he was trained. It was a great learning experience, but soon his physical and mental health broke down as he found himself experiencing full-time disability in his mid-40s almost a year after completing a doctorate. In turn, it created a personal and professional identity crisis which his therapist and his faith helped him with. He moved his children to the help of real counselors.
His therapist was a woman of very conservative Christian faith, yet not judgmental as he told her his life story. She helped him to feel much better about himself. She helped him learn about boundaries and having concrete consequences for when they are broken. She decided to return to school counseling but closed with a profound insight like a double-edged blade.
To be continued below.
She told him that one day that he would understand much about his life, hoping that he could forgive the person at the center of it all, but understood if not. It was almost 15 years before what was previously hidden became clear as a relative was declining and then quickly dying. He was still in therapy with another therapist, but he could not speak the traumatic memories surfacing in his mind. At first, he used pictures. His therapist understood. He was learning more about the trauma of his younger years than ever before. It was almost too much to process. A person online suggested a private support group for him. It has been a life saver as he’s been totally free to share and receive their gracious input. He was able to put his memories into 2 poems.
Around that same time, another person came into his life that offered an empathetic, nonjudgmental ear to as much as he could say at the time from time to time over the years. This was a reciprocal relationship of prudential grace for each other. Over the years, as the extended family mental health Jedi, the two became more like siblings in their journey as they each kept working on their own, healing and working together on mutual concerns and challenges. More recently, these two moved into a truly platonic ride or die relationship level as defined by country people in West Viginia instead of Wikipedia whose definition is whitewashed and shallow. Around 11 years after that relative’s death, this same person asked him if he could talk about those things now. He could and did so freely. It turned into a healing, non judgemental discussion which is what the ride or die friend had hoped for. This exemplifies what such a friendship means when each is strong enough to reach down into the other’s dark places and lift them out.
Unfortunately, our story moved so quickly that the prudential grace through his sister like friend from high school who with her husband gave him awesome support and other random acts of tangible kindness; two cousins following his dad’s death with practical advice, physical presence plus a suggested book to read; a powerlifting trainer plus good amateur competition experiences retiring with a bench press of 315 at age 43 at 5ft 7 weighing 226; and an online Lutheran pastor who he’s never met in person, but has talked with on the phone since 1996 through today. He’s often been that one thread by which his faith held on, not to mention a secular person encouraging him to not be so hard on himself concerning some understandable coping mechanisms as well as giving him a wise warning for his current and future well-being via other means. He had random mystical experiences of God’s love! He felt the emotional and mental chains fall off from past coping mechanisms due to his traumatic experiences.
Although when his early sister like friend asked what he did to experience such, he had no answer. Eventually, he discovered that often people with a history of deep trauma often have such random, unpredictable mystical experiences of the almost tangible presence of God and his love. They randomly took place, often lasting for days or weeks.
He is thankful to God and to these people for all the various experiences of the prudential means of God’s grace in his and his family’s life down through the years in their journey as they have dealt with their challenges.
He dedicates this summary in memory and honor of those whose description and contributions did not make this publication as a church historian once said in the introductory page of his book.
Speaking of writing, the prudential grace of God enabled him to author a helpful published book as well as journal articles plus poems from before and since 8 years ago. He noted that because of the support of the larger community, he experienced times of great united mental and emotional clarity, producing written works that were perfect original drafts. Normally, he is not a good speller plus he often needs grammatical correction, but not in those times. His trauma support group powerfully validated his emotions and ideas, saying that he clearly communicated about his traumatic experiences but wrote such pain filled poems with such a unique and excellent writing style, one of which sounded like a rap song. One can read them anonymously published online in order to let others know that they are not alone plus offer encouragement that victimhood can be escaped from as one take responsibility, not for their trauma or their coping mechanisms which is false, but for living now into the future in the hood called adulthood.
It’s crucial to validate the emotions of one with a trauma filled background regardless if we understand them precisely without judgement or even asking for clarity, nor needing to agree or not agree with how they say things which those who have not healed enough, unnecessarily get worked up over which does not help the person nor the whole conversation. Such is a time to be still, fully in the present moment, avoid offering solutions, and listen attentively without expressing any shock outwardly.
Such listening is a means of prudential grace as well. He has experienced this as well.
My narcolepsy doctor told me that he was changing the settings on my CPAP to be more sensitive to my needs. Those changes were made Saturday after 12.
The changes in my CPAP settings must have helped Saturday night because I slept 8 hours and 46 minutes with a total time in bed of 9 hours 4 minutes. Wow. I'm still a bit sleepy but that is such an improvement. However, for some reason my mask leaked some.
Although I have not slept as many hours, I am still sleeping and feeling better than before.