Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Elizabeth-My sis lives hundred of miles away, too. My parents had been living with her for 11 years before my Mom got cancer, then my Dad, too. We moved them here to be closer to treatment, but we've also been trying to get Mom out of sis's house for years. My sis is very supportive and listens to me when I need to vent. Sounds like your brother. It really helps to have that relationship. i laughed at your Mom's quote. Mine's in "I have cancer and I can do what I want." Which makes my sister laugh because she's been doing what she wants and treating people like dirt for years. Aren't they funny sometimes? LOL
Soverytired-Kudos to what you wrote. People who are sick do complain, and loosing one's memory must be frustrating. But when there's years of issues and dysfunction, those "normal" things don't seem normal. They hurt. I love being able to vent on this site and know that the group will not see me as a bad caregiver because I get frustrated and lost sometimes.
Jessie-I think that as my Mom gets sicker, it may be easier for me. I will not be the whipping girl as much as a caregiver, hopefully. But my previous therapist said that Mom will probably throw food and mess the bed, especially if she can't talk anymore. She will find ways to express her anger. I hope she finds some peace before this is over, for her sake and mine.
Thanks to all for your support. Hope everyone has a good day.
Mom doesn't get fed and when she does, it's mostly fast food. She misses her doctor appointments and needs eye surgery but there is no one to take her to the doctor. I hear this and feel so helpless because she lives in Indiana and I live in Texas. I'm retired now, but don't have the finances available to me to fly up there each month to care for her. It is very frustrating because I know she needs someone to help her, but she refuses to take help from anyone that is not a family member because she doesn't trust anyone but family.
Here is the other half i never really discuss....when I was 17 and working at a bagel shop....i discover a lump on my boob...and it didn't go away by the time i quit that job and move on to better I still had it...I had my mother's word that she would take me to get a mammogram done etc etc. well I had this lump for nearly 5 yrs and no help...so I was still seeing my bf now husband at the time and I got real ugly with him broke it off to protect him in case I had breast cancer..well he came back around and I told him after apologizing for my crass behavior...He help arrange things and look after me I had the surgery to remove it...thank god it was a fibroid cyst and benign...Well I went off on my mom when she called where I was staying recuperating etc. I told her I am your daughter and you can never forgive me what happen in the past yet what if I actually had cancer...what was you gonna do ...do a dance on my grave...I can never forgive you for not being there for my support...I said If Sarah ( half sister) had it you would be all over it but no...I am the one that doesn't mattera n you expect to come back home to a house where there is no love for me and heal...You had ur chance and blew it...even God would frown in consternation wondering why you couldn't be there for your child...I just let it out...I couldn't handle it and now they are both christians...she has diabetes and won't even look over her mom's care but rather her dad's care which i think is unfair...I did make an a point to apologize to my mother and did tell her I forgive her that same day but I can't let go of the fact that she won't heal her relationship with her own mother and my grandpa who is still in remission is recovering from small bit of cancer himself...I just wish families were better than they are now back in the old days everyone back to the horse n drawn buggy days help each other and sometimes lived in one house cuz running a farm so much work...we have let selfishness and pride get in the way...being a caregiver brings you back to the basics of what human compassion is and kindness...at least I know if no one else is here for my husband...I am no matter the dysfunction and trying to raise 2 youngsters on my own...I am grateful for the humbling lessons I have learned and still continue to grow from...yeah sometimes I may get bent out of shape but if I had my druthers I would do anything that I can possibly can but the hand I have been dealt has made me into a neglectful aunt and a bitch to some....too much of free thinker and I have learned long ago to detach myself to the point...I just care about my world ,, my family and the need to survive and if some one doesn't like it ...then the shoe needs to be on the other foot as the expression goes...I am just glad I do not have the big elephant in my house trying to take over what isn't her business anymore....my sister lost so much and so have i...i consider that bridge half gone already...enough said ...ttyl
Trust me - I am aware of the situation and talking to her counselor is a source of comfort and accountability for me. I told her counselor that I don't want to end up with my daughter dreading seeing my face the way I dread my mom - that many times I just show up because of responsibility. She said that my daughter wasn't brought up in the same way, that we continue to have a loving and fun relationship and my daughter may continue to have a deep desire to see my face - even if I'm old and frail and confused. Wow. Talk about a revelation.
Sometimes something hits you that even though you should have known it, you had never put it into words.
I didn't mean to leave the impression that my brother has done nothing nor taken responsibility for our parents. We're laughing (together) at Mom's perspective. My brother and I live far apart, so there's not much he can do on a daily basis to help except call her and he does that. For 5 years after our father died, Mom lived close to him and he cared for her while I was his cheerleader (from afar), as well as the one who managed her money.. When my brother's health declined, I knew that it was time for me to step up, so I did. He tells me every day that he knows I have ended up with the worst of the situation with her, because at least her dementia hadn't progressed to this point when she was close to him. That is great validation.
We have tried so very hard not to let the drama of our parents tear us apart. We're very different and not always on the same page, nor do we always view the past with the same perspective, but he's the only person in the world with shared memories from my childhood. We don't want to lose that, so it's worth the compromises for both of us.
We're just all out here trying to cope the best we can with what we've been handed. Every day of my life I think about how some of Mom's poor choices brought her to this point and that has nothing to do with me. One thing that has gotten significantly better is that Mom has forgotten my father. They had a miserable marriage and he was outrageously controlling and bitter, but for 55 years, she kept up the front of perfection. She used to insist that they were happy and he was wonderful and what was my problem that I didn't agree with that? Thank goodness, we don't ever even have to go there any longer. Most days she can't even remember his name, which, according to her counselor, is probably why she's in a more peaceful state right now.
This is turning into a novel. I need to send everyone reading this stream-of-consciousness $125 an hour, or whatever the going rate is for counseling.
:)
My father is getting very weak, so my biggest concern at the moment is to make his last days on earth as comfortable and safe as possible. My mother's slipping mind could be more challenging. She refuses to be tested, but I think she would probably be diagnosed with moderate dementia. She is either not remembering or remembering wrong, and feeling fear and anger about it. And I feel her pain, because I know how I would feel if it were happening to me. And I know it may happen to me if I live long enough.
I love that the focus is off the anger I was feeling. It wasn't serving any purpose other than making me feel bad, since I was here for the long haul.
It is not easy to do, but it sounds like you need to detach with love so that you don't have to play your mom's passive/aggressive game of emotional blackmail via the unholy trinity of Fear, Obligation and Guilt! I would suggest buying the book, Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.
Also, it is not your responsibility to take care of her, but to see that she is taken care of and is safe which is also your brother's responsibility as well.
If you can talk to a counselor, so much the better. It really helps that mom's counselor is willing to spend time with me. My mom appears to be a very sweet, soft-spoken kind little lady, which she can be. However, if you look up passive/aggressive in the dictionary, there's a picture of my white haired little mom. That is not apparent to most people.
One of my favorite (ha!) quotes from my mom: "You're the daughter and it is your responsibility to take care of me. Your brother is a man and he has important things to do." Wonder if she's referring to my RETIRED brother? And I guess the daughter she's speaking of is the one with a family, a job and a consulting business on the side?
Of course my brother thinks that is hilarious. I do too, except the joke is on me!
Burned-glad you vented. That's alot of stress to deal with on top of careing for someone. You and your husband have your own life, good and bad, and you must make choices that work for the two of you, not everyone else. Hugs.
I am still angry because the hurts are fresh-my Mom jsut moved in 4 months ago. She's being nicer now, but I don't believe it will last., I need time to come to terms with how I've been feeling, and to see how I will handle it when she gets mean again. I forgave both my parents for the way they raised me, but this is too raw yet. Every day is a new adventure, and I just keep trying to roll with the punches.
On the bad days, I recall how self-absorbed they were - Dad wildly controlling, Mom retreating into mental illness. Today my husband and I were talking about the last 15 years, where we allowed their crisises to swallow our lives at times.
But I've tried to be the kind of mom I would have loved as a young adult with small children. I do things for my daughter and her family, (I'm making drapes right now that she's wanted), we take trips together, we're generous, but not overly so, we never criticize. We get great joy from them and they seem to love to be with us. I'm so blessed in that way.
I'm thankful that right now Mom is in a peaceful state, although dementia has robbed her of her memories or maybe because of that. She's still really only interested in herself - how she feels, how she looks...and how I look - but the dementia (or maybe the drugs) have also robbed her of the mental illness. How good is that? She doesn't even remember my father's cruelty to her or us.
Talking to Mom's wonderful, caring counselor has helped me immensely. Caregiving is a land-mine of guilt some days.
I try to look for the good. Even though I'm doing this without a sibling's help, Mom had the resources to live in an assisted living (with LOTS of assistance required) and the staff there has been amazing. They are positive and encouraging to Mom and to me.
One thing that is still hard is when well-meaning people, who had good relationships with their parents (who are now deceased), tell me that I should be happy to still have my mom, even with dementia. They are clueless what it means to care for a parent with whom you never had a warm relationship.
I was about 3 yrs olds when I say my bio dad ( sperm donor) take a knife to my mom's throat threatening to kill her. I also had experiences of being in a locked room with my brother and sister when we were younger...during hot and cold days cuz my mom didnt want to get out of her bed period..
One day incident happen with us kids and soon to be new dad.... we all had to go the bathroom...we were screaming and yelling for that blasted door to be unlocked...so we couldnt hold it...we did what we had to ...no choice left to us. So my new drunk dad comes home to find out and pursues in whipping us for it when we shouldnt have been. My soon to be step dad found out and I told him the truth ...I think I was about 4 at the time my vision wasn't great ...i said yes i had made a mess but I wasn't going to cry out for him since while he was drunk he seem to get off on it ...I took my whipping and he whipped me for the longest time...I have a battle scar above my rear faintly shape tissue of an bald eagle belt buckle.. My mom finally told him to stop...
trust me not the end....my parents went out couple nights after the spankings we got and the neighbors noticed i wasnt involved with the other kids...she gave me milk and cookies....she lifted the back of my shirt and she tooks pics.. she called the cops..we were in foster home for about yr or so...my mom and dad were arrested ( step dad)... They had to go thru parenting classes and show stable home....foster homes are not fun... One day my mom comes to visit us kids at the home and she told me i was a liar and not her daughter....
Not too soon after that they got married and my bio dad tried to kidnap us on their wedding day at my grandpa's house....fisticuffs ensued and grandpa got his hunting rifles...bio dad got arrested...
Now bio dad and new step dad still drank alot at this time... and i seen my bio dad beat his 3 yr old son new marriage over a floor length mirror in a new house..
At our new house my step dad called us names and beat my baby brother...my mother rarely did a thing...alcohol still played a major part in our lives... fast forward to where we are at least 10 and 11...step dad threaten to kill us if we tell the judge no on adopting us...fast forward 5 yrs later they have a baby girl and their child things are better but the name calling exists....fast forward almost 20 yrs later and no one wants to talk about it....i end up trapping myself in my novels and poetry...and when i got in actual fights defending family my parents wonder why i didnt get arrested for assault and battery...I have endure alot and trying to not to become the pattern ...so far my husband and I have endure to work things out and his is more like he is still a child not a man type deal... how I have manage to hold on to this...by knowing truth from fiction and not really communicating much with my family...my relationship with my step dad has improved and there is still a barrier between my mom and I ...I basically forgive myself and forgive them...tho it be nice to clear the air but that will never happen...
We got good news from my wife's biopsy today that there is no cancer and not any reason to have another mammogram done any sooner than a year from now!!! Thanks for everyone's prayers.
Emjo-Good luck on the diet. If this IUD works, I plan to change some eating habits starting in March. Until then, the shot I'm on adds weight each year and there's no fighting it. I liked your nar. jokes, but they made me sad, too.
Hope you here something soon Cmag about your wife's results.
notlike - I do like the phrase hoovering in - it works. Glad you are seeing the big picture. It is an ongoing game. I have experienced exactly the same thing. Sometimes mother is "nice" for a while, but it is all part of manipulation. The nasty comes back soon enough.
Mother - re her birthday in May is still sending emails out with the same requests to many, and also some misunderstandings etc.Fortunately my nephew, in her city, is a sensible man and in touch with what is going on and helping me sort out the confusion. I know from past experience this will just escalate until the event happens - another 4 months is lots of time for her to do her thing,.and create maximum chaos and excitement.
Talking about drugs I am trying to get off one - well only vitamin B3 for slighly high blood fats- by changing my eating habits so I eat very low carb and calories a couple of days a week and moderately the rest of the time. This regime - if followed properly - lowers weight, blood sugar, blood fats, blood pressure and a number of other things that benefit health. Wish me luck. It is supposed to lower leptin levels (the hunger hormone) too, and seems to be working so far, but it is early.
Hope everyone had a decent day. cmag you and your wife are still in my prayers. I gather you may get news of the biopsy soon.
love and hugs
jo
Our oldest always helped the most. The youngest was extremely difficult to get going in that direction. I think part of it was his ADD which we discovered very late and his mom would not back me up in pushing him for they are much closer than the oldest an her are. While there was a point where the two were somewhat enmeshed, I got him into therapy and did Tae Kwon Do with him which helped. Our oldest was old enough to really see things when she was going through the toughest part of her journey about her mother issues and began distancing himself from her. At that point, I had to play both dad and mom, plus I tried to be therapist with each boy. Those were extremely rough years! We tried to give them as normal a family as was possible at that time, but my wife has been the healthiest she's ever been since 2005. I started learning how not to get hoovered into her stuff back in 2002. Until then, I just endured. I've been working on my issues about that since 2002 in therapy and once I changed to a different therapist in 2005 really got to work on my family of origin of issues which focused on almost exclusively on mom. My very first therapist mainly helped me with much needed boundaries at that time, but for various reasons I did not continue with her. She did tell me that I would eventually see what my mom had done to me, would become very angry about it, and hoped that I could forgive her. Sometimes, I want to go back to her just to tell her how far that I have come. It has been good, however, to have a male therapist for the rest of my family of origin journey.
We have thought about asking our oldest to come home one weekend to help with things and give him some extra money for doing so. He lives only an hour away.
I learned about the hoovering concept from a book on stop walking on eggshells. The more you detach and fewer times that you get hoovered in, the stronger you will become. Plus, you will become more perceptive as to when she or anyone for that matter is trying to hoover you into their manipulation game. I've found my gut feels it before my head figures it out and I've had to learn to trust it, plus at first just get back in touch with my own feelings at first.
I'm glad to give you and others support. I feel like I'm still making some difference in the world when what I say is helpful. :)
I am working on not being hoovered. What a visual! I think I am going to get plenty of practice until her time comes. I know I won't always be strong enough to keep her from hurting me, but I am trying. And trying to support and help my Dad, too. The support I get from you all is worth everything to me.