The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

elizabethgrace, it is not your responsibility to take responsibility for how your mother feels which is codependency and that comes from emotional enmeshment with another person's emotions and causes us to feel whatever they feel. Your mother needs to take responsibility for dealing with her own feelings instead of expecting you or anyone else to fix them.

It is not easy to do, but it sounds like you need to detach with love so that you don't have to play your mom's passive/aggressive game of emotional blackmail via the unholy trinity of Fear, Obligation and Guilt! I would suggest buying the book, Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.

Also, it is not your responsibility to take care of her, but to see that she is taken care of and is safe which is also your brother's responsibility as well.

Dear notlikemom, it's a day-to-day effort to stay on top of the emotions. Honestly, my mom being in a peaceful state right now has a lot to do with it. Wish so much didn't depend on that, but it does. When she's miserable and feels like I should be able to fix it, then I get twisted around emotionally and the anger can show back up. It also helps that my brother, although he does not live close by, validates my feelings and expresses appreciation for what I have taken on with mom.

If you can talk to a counselor, so much the better. It really helps that mom's counselor is willing to spend time with me. My mom appears to be a very sweet, soft-spoken kind little lady, which she can be. However, if you look up passive/aggressive in the dictionary, there's a picture of my white haired little mom. That is not apparent to most people.

One of my favorite (ha!) quotes from my mom: "You're the daughter and it is your responsibility to take care of me. Your brother is a man and he has important things to do." Wonder if she's referring to my RETIRED brother? And I guess the daughter she's speaking of is the one with a family, a job and a consulting business on the side?

Of course my brother thinks that is hilarious. I do too, except the joke is on me!

notlikemom, it sounds like your mother is one of those people who hoovers people in with being nice and then treats them mean. It does seem like when our parents get old and fall apart, it brings to the surface family of origin issues with greater intensity and we see where we are not as over somethings or as free from somethings or knew somethings as well as we thought. May I suggest writing a letter to your mother stating your feelings about her. Read it aloud, burn it in a safe container and then cast the ashes to the wind. My therapist had me to do that once I was really in touch with my feelings and after the shock of my mind's memories which had not been there before. I wish you well.

Jessie & Elizabeth-blessings for letting the anger go. You have taken back your days and your own feelings. The peace that provides must be awesome. I am not there yet, but you give me hope.
Burned-glad you vented. That's alot of stress to deal with on top of careing for someone. You and your husband have your own life, good and bad, and you must make choices that work for the two of you, not everyone else. Hugs.
I am still angry because the hurts are fresh-my Mom jsut moved in 4 months ago. She's being nicer now, but I don't believe it will last., I need time to come to terms with how I've been feeling, and to see how I will handle it when she gets mean again. I forgave both my parents for the way they raised me, but this is too raw yet. Every day is a new adventure, and I just keep trying to roll with the punches.

I have learn to overcome the travesty that was my childhood but does not make up for the treatment my husband is getting from his family...these ppl expect me to pick up the phone and call them on everything ...when they need to initate the support... which hasn't been none.. and my sister thinks she is the queen of perfection when she is bossy and pigheaded; very selfish and rude. I have tried to talk sense to her but never works ...my main fault is that my husband is getting paranoid about his family coming out of the wood work to sabotaged what i have already been doing for the past 5 yrs and well wouldnt u know its not gonna happen...they never care in 07 or any other time ...so why should i let bygones be bygones... right now my focus is on the immediate my children and my husband...everyone else who doesnt like the way i live my life can kiss my kiester...my sister has some nerve still and my parents seem like they care but they only do what is necessary....what hurts is they never send a bday card for nate's bday or my daughter's bday ...only person that did that was my grandmother Patsy....she remember and bless us as best as she can...now god has her in arms...I miss her so much but our families or so detach from each other i do not think we all really know each other anymore....more like hi...how ya doing type of communication...I am just tired of the silence and selfishness...but i found out one of my email's hit a sore spot with my sister after I move to Az ....left her bawling for days but she had no guilt or remorse for her actions and thus burning a bridge that she is working hard to heal...i could not care less...I try my hardest to save money not waste it ...so what happens in her own life is her choice...I am not going to fix her mistakes or my sister in laws mistakes from ignoring/putting my husband and family down to be down right cold hearted...sorry I just got all this stuff bottled up and i haven't even scraped it with my therapist yet...

Oh, JessieBelle! Aren't those days the best? When you realize that the smoldering anger isn't there-even if it is for a day. Sometimes my anger turns to acceptance, sometimes I feel sad for my parents because of all the joy they missed in their lives, sometimes I can see the humor in some of it. Even compassion has shown up.

On the bad days, I recall how self-absorbed they were - Dad wildly controlling, Mom retreating into mental illness. Today my husband and I were talking about the last 15 years, where we allowed their crisises to swallow our lives at times.

But I've tried to be the kind of mom I would have loved as a young adult with small children. I do things for my daughter and her family, (I'm making drapes right now that she's wanted), we take trips together, we're generous, but not overly so, we never criticize. We get great joy from them and they seem to love to be with us. I'm so blessed in that way.

I'm thankful that right now Mom is in a peaceful state, although dementia has robbed her of her memories or maybe because of that. She's still really only interested in herself - how she feels, how she looks...and how I look - but the dementia (or maybe the drugs) have also robbed her of the mental illness. How good is that? She doesn't even remember my father's cruelty to her or us.

Talking to Mom's wonderful, caring counselor has helped me immensely. Caregiving is a land-mine of guilt some days.

I try to look for the good. Even though I'm doing this without a sibling's help, Mom had the resources to live in an assisted living (with LOTS of assistance required) and the staff there has been amazing. They are positive and encouraging to Mom and to me.

One thing that is still hard is when well-meaning people, who had good relationships with their parents (who are now deceased), tell me that I should be happy to still have my mom, even with dementia. They are clueless what it means to care for a parent with whom you never had a warm relationship.

I wanted to share something this morning. I had a day from hell yesterday, and I was stressed out to the max. But something was different. I didn't have the anger and other bad feelings that I once did. When I woke up this morning, my concern was for my father's heart and weakness and for my mother's failing mind. I've noticed a lot of changes in myself the past few days. I am beginning to see some of the mean things that happen in a more humorous light. It is not so serious. And today I realized that the anger I once felt so strong is turning into compassion for the people I was so angry at. What is bringing on the change, I don't know, but I do like it. It feels so much better than the anger.

burnedncaringst, Wow, that is a lot of dark dysfunctionalism to over come!!!! So, your husband's family treats him as if he were still a little boys instead of the grown man that he is? How tragic. Congratulations for breaking the chain/pattern.

Ok ...let me start with saying I had 2 different dysfunctional families. My sperm donor dad would beat my mom and get drunk all the time.. My mom after the divorce went thru severe depression but found a new man with similarities to the old one. He would drink and insult and put us down cuz we werent his kids.
I was about 3 yrs olds when I say my bio dad ( sperm donor) take a knife to my mom's throat threatening to kill her. I also had experiences of being in a locked room with my brother and sister when we were younger...during hot and cold days cuz my mom didnt want to get out of her bed period..

One day incident happen with us kids and soon to be new dad.... we all had to go the bathroom...we were screaming and yelling for that blasted door to be unlocked...so we couldnt hold it...we did what we had to ...no choice left to us. So my new drunk dad comes home to find out and pursues in whipping us for it when we shouldnt have been. My soon to be step dad found out and I told him the truth ...I think I was about 4 at the time my vision wasn't great ...i said yes i had made a mess but I wasn't going to cry out for him since while he was drunk he seem to get off on it ...I took my whipping and he whipped me for the longest time...I have a battle scar above my rear faintly shape tissue of an bald eagle belt buckle.. My mom finally told him to stop...

trust me not the end....my parents went out couple nights after the spankings we got and the neighbors noticed i wasnt involved with the other kids...she gave me milk and cookies....she lifted the back of my shirt and she tooks pics.. she called the cops..we were in foster home for about yr or so...my mom and dad were arrested ( step dad)... They had to go thru parenting classes and show stable home....foster homes are not fun... One day my mom comes to visit us kids at the home and she told me i was a liar and not her daughter....

Not too soon after that they got married and my bio dad tried to kidnap us on their wedding day at my grandpa's house....fisticuffs ensued and grandpa got his hunting rifles...bio dad got arrested...

Now bio dad and new step dad still drank alot at this time... and i seen my bio dad beat his 3 yr old son new marriage over a floor length mirror in a new house..
At our new house my step dad called us names and beat my baby brother...my mother rarely did a thing...alcohol still played a major part in our lives... fast forward to where we are at least 10 and 11...step dad threaten to kill us if we tell the judge no on adopting us...fast forward 5 yrs later they have a baby girl and their child things are better but the name calling exists....fast forward almost 20 yrs later and no one wants to talk about it....i end up trapping myself in my novels and poetry...and when i got in actual fights defending family my parents wonder why i didnt get arrested for assault and battery...I have endure alot and trying to not to become the pattern ...so far my husband and I have endure to work things out and his is more like he is still a child not a man type deal... how I have manage to hold on to this...by knowing truth from fiction and not really communicating much with my family...my relationship with my step dad has improved and there is still a barrier between my mom and I ...I basically forgive myself and forgive them...tho it be nice to clear the air but that will never happen...

Oh, good news! Woo Hoooooooo! :D

notlikemom, thanks, it does me good to know that what I'm doing is being helpful. Yes, I've learned a lot.

We got good news from my wife's biopsy today that there is no cancer and not any reason to have another mammogram done any sooner than a year from now!!! Thanks for everyone's prayers.

Cmag-you are a big help to us on the site and I appreciate you for it! Your journey has been a long one, and it sounds like you have learned alot. Even if everything wasn't perfect for your boys, as a parent, you did everything you could. It made them who they are, and it sounds like they are good boys.
Emjo-Good luck on the diet. If this IUD works, I plan to change some eating habits starting in March. Until then, the shot I'm on adds weight each year and there's no fighting it. I liked your nar. jokes, but they made me sad, too.
Hope you here something soon Cmag about your wife's results.

some one else's house is not in order???? Oh my! cmag. Getting some one is, or your older son to help could make some headway. Fair enough to pay your son. I am thinking of getting someone in to do some cleaning.

notlike - I do like the phrase hoovering in - it works. Glad you are seeing the big picture. It is an ongoing game. I have experienced exactly the same thing. Sometimes mother is "nice" for a while, but it is all part of manipulation. The nasty comes back soon enough.

Mother - re her birthday in May is still sending emails out with the same requests to many, and also some misunderstandings etc.Fortunately my nephew, in her city, is a sensible man and in touch with what is going on and helping me sort out the confusion. I know from past experience this will just escalate until the event happens - another 4 months is lots of time for her to do her thing,.and create maximum chaos and excitement.

Talking about drugs I am trying to get off one - well only vitamin B3 for slighly high blood fats- by changing my eating habits so I eat very low carb and calories a couple of days a week and moderately the rest of the time. This regime - if followed properly - lowers weight, blood sugar, blood fats, blood pressure and a number of other things that benefit health. Wish me luck. It is supposed to lower leptin levels (the hunger hormone) too, and seems to be working so far, but it is early.

Hope everyone had a decent day. cmag you and your wife are still in my prayers. I gather you may get news of the biopsy soon.

love and hugs
jo

notlikemom, with both boys away at college, the wife and I are on our own.

Our oldest always helped the most. The youngest was extremely difficult to get going in that direction. I think part of it was his ADD which we discovered very late and his mom would not back me up in pushing him for they are much closer than the oldest an her are. While there was a point where the two were somewhat enmeshed, I got him into therapy and did Tae Kwon Do with him which helped. Our oldest was old enough to really see things when she was going through the toughest part of her journey about her mother issues and began distancing himself from her. At that point, I had to play both dad and mom, plus I tried to be therapist with each boy. Those were extremely rough years! We tried to give them as normal a family as was possible at that time, but my wife has been the healthiest she's ever been since 2005. I started learning how not to get hoovered into her stuff back in 2002. Until then, I just endured. I've been working on my issues about that since 2002 in therapy and once I changed to a different therapist in 2005 really got to work on my family of origin of issues which focused on almost exclusively on mom. My very first therapist mainly helped me with much needed boundaries at that time, but for various reasons I did not continue with her. She did tell me that I would eventually see what my mom had done to me, would become very angry about it, and hoped that I could forgive her. Sometimes, I want to go back to her just to tell her how far that I have come. It has been good, however, to have a male therapist for the rest of my family of origin journey.

We have thought about asking our oldest to come home one weekend to help with things and give him some extra money for doing so. He lives only an hour away.

I learned about the hoovering concept from a book on stop walking on eggshells. The more you detach and fewer times that you get hoovered in, the stronger you will become. Plus, you will become more perceptive as to when she or anyone for that matter is trying to hoover you into their manipulation game. I've found my gut feels it before my head figures it out and I've had to learn to trust it, plus at first just get back in touch with my own feelings at first.

I'm glad to give you and others support. I feel like I'm still making some difference in the world when what I say is helpful. :)

cmag-your house sounds like mine - too much to always be done! Can your boy(s) help more? It sounds like you and your wife worked hard to give them a normal growing up, despite what you both came from. Maybe they would like to help but don't know how to ask. Or, like mine, is willing to help but is too young (20 years old LOL) to see what needs to be done without being told. We raised our son on the 3-legged stool concept. Our family consisted of 3 people and the only way the stool wouldn't fall over was if we all supported each other. Or how about taking advantage of a coupon or special for a cleaning service? Consider it a gift to yourselves, and once things are straightened up, it may be easier to maintain them. If none of that will work, just remember your wife loves you whether the floors are clean or not. Do what you can, and the rest really doesn't matter. Hugs.
I am working on not being hoovered. What a visual! I think I am going to get plenty of practice until her time comes. I know I won't always be strong enough to keep her from hurting me, but I am trying. And trying to support and help my Dad, too. The support I get from you all is worth everything to me.

notlikemom, you have figured out your mom's bait (with false kindness) and switch (to verbal abuse) game. She's trying to hoover you in. Detach so that her hoovering does not pull you in nor press your buttons. Easier said than done, but it can be done. People like that often create their own tornadoes and then step inside of them and play the victim of what they created.

I'm glad that I see my new psych later this month before my next appointment with the one I'm about to kiss off.

notlikemom, thanks. My life is full of a lot of things with my stuff plus my wife's biopsy, her bad carpel tunnel in her right wrist and the herniated disks in her back. The shots for the back are helping, but the shot in the wrist did not. I'm feeling overwhelmed with how more and more is becoming mine to do and take care of. We have yet to put the Christmas stuff up for the year. The refrigerator plus the kitchen as well as the bathroom floors need cleaning as does the tub in the master bathroom and the shower. The living room, dinning room, den and hall all need cleaning. Our oldest's room also doubles as a place for my wife's desk. It need to be straightened up. I'm not about to touch our youngest son's room. It's a mess. We have piles of clothes in our master bedroom that need to be put up and the walk in closet needs straightening up. Once the master bedroom is right, it can then be cleaned. Several items will wait for much warmer weather like cleaning up the little garage, the screened in porch, as well as filling the holes in the yard that the dog dug, getting rid of the clutter in the garage, getting rid of some mess that needs to go to the yard fill, plus some caulking and painting that needs to be done. This month, I need to work on my taxes once I have everything so that I can help the boys fill in their FASFA applications for money for college. It is almost tax season for my mother and step-dad's taxes which should be very easy this year.

cmag-Hugs. Your life is very full of things you are dealing with, and the sleeping issue sounds awful to bear, too. I really hope the new doc can take a fresh look and adjust some things so you feel better. Prayers.
I am sick and tired of waiting for Mom to blow up. I know it will happen, and I feel like a hypocrite for trying to be nice to her. She spent all day yelling at Dad about the funeral thing we went to yesterday. He didn't tell me all of it, but it's classic "What did people say about me?" and "What did you tell people about why I wasn't there?" BS. I keep waiting for her to say something to me, too, because I went, but she hasn't. I don't know which is worse - her being mad at me or me waiting for her to be mad at me! I supose I should take the good while I can, but I just don't feel that way. Not after the way she's treated me for the last few months. I don't believe her being nice is real. I think it's just her way of lulling me so she can snap at me when I least expect it. It's very frustrating.
Good night all.

notlike, the nuvigil that I take is often given to people with sleep apnea who even with the machine are not getting enough sleep. I take the max dose twice a day and am still sleepy. I take androgel each day because my pituitary gland no longer tells my body to make testosterone. So, I take as much each day as a man my age would normally make. Even with that, I'm still groggy. I've been on disability with my bi-polar disorder and other health problems since 2003 and being on such 'medical retirement' as I call it does make one fell older than they are. Add to that the stress of digging my mother and step-dad out of unpaid back taxes to 2004 starting in 2009, plus her drastic health changes, while working on family of origin issues in therapy all contributed to making 2010 a very exhausting year for this lethargic, depression, sleeping too much hit me in January of 2011 and lifted for about two months when I first started taking nuvigil. But after those two months and all of the walking I was able to accomplished, I crashed once again with very few days when I really felt up to doing some yard work or washing the cars. I don't even have the get up and go to get up and get out to walk my dog like I did at one time.

notlikemom, thanks, I get all of my meds from the same pharmacy. I've gained back all 21 pounds that I previously lost. Personally, I think my psychiatrist is so afraid of mania that when he doubled my wellbutrin, he added abilify. I've basically been the same weight I am now that I've been since starting to see him in the fall of 2002. I am looking forward to checking out a new psychiatrist who is fresh out of med school. I'm 54 and my current psychiatrist is 20 years older than I am. My wife went to him for years before falling out with him, and I am about to do the same thing. I've got so much on my plate right now that I don't care to see my current psychiatrist tomorrow if all he is going to do is complain about my weight and leave my meds the same.

notlike - mother is like that daily too. She sat in her beautiful apartment, healthy, well nourished, and well dressed, and told me it was disgraceful; how this province treated their seniors!. I just looked at her and didn't say a word, but my thought was. "No one who sees you and your situation would buy that, mother!" She sits and thinks about anything, and everything that isn't exactly how she wants it and then gets upset by it.

Actually, I seem to be much better today, thanks. I went out in the cold, cold, Artic chill and got groceries and have been cooking since. Ready for bed now. You got that right - my song will be "So Long, it's been good to know ya!" I don't know why everything has to be a drama but it does. Maybe to draw attention to themselves as their need to be the center of the universe is huge.

Jessie and Brandy - how are you doiing?

Jon - would really like to hear how you gained immunity

cmag - prayers for you both ongoing

I read some jokes about narcissists the other day. - here are a few. We can always use a laugh.

What's a narcissist's idea of being a "slave"?
Answer: Not being able to boss everyone else about

What is a narcissist's idea of equality?
Answer: Being equally bossy to everyone else

What is a narcissist's idea of being abused? (my mother for sure)
Occasionally having to go along with someone else's preferences

Have a good night.

cmag- I will keep praying for you and your wife. that is alot of stress and alot of meds. As we get older (I DK how old you are), sometimes med doses need to be cut because it's too much for the body the metabolize. Do you get all your meds at the same pharmacy? Maybe they would go through them with you and make suggestions. Please don't worry about weight loss right now. Some comfort food, some healthier food, and you will get through this. Hugs.
emjo- I can see what you're saying about the Rockies trip every day here with Mom. There is so much she could be enjoying and just won't. it's such a shame. Sorry you are still feeling sick! Get better soon. I'll bet you'll be singing "glad it's over" instead of Happy Birthday. Why does everything have to be such a drama? Some of us really don't need or want that. Yet we are supposed to fix it. You are very wise and I know you've worked hard to be detached. Hugs.
Jessie- thinking of you, girl! So glad you found this site. Hugs.
Enough for me tonight. bath,then bed.

I agree with your primary physician - much more realistic.
Lots of drugs for sure, cmag. Heavy ones from the psychiatrist,.that could affect weight and sleep. I am on an low dose antidepressant for fibromyalgia and end up cutting up pills as a dose between the two lowest ones works best. If I take more I can't sleep. Periodically I try less, but it hasn't worked so far.
It seems most of us should be taking Vit D. A warning for you about Zyrtec - people can have some bad withdrawal symptoms coming off it. I did. Eventually, with careful weaning I got off it, but it took a couple of months at least.

My primary physician thinks 190 is a more realistic goal for me right now at 5ft 7. He has me on singulair, flonase, a diuretic, sodium and metformin along with the suppliment Omega 3. Now that zyrtec with D is no longer a prescription drug, I take it also to help with my allergies. My endocrinologist has me on androgel plus the following suppliments, i.e. Calcium Citrate with D, multivitim, and extra vitamin D. My psychiatrist has me on wellbutrin, abilify, nuvigil, and lamictal. My skin doctor has me on two meds also. I use my sleep apnea machine every night.

I think it best to handle one major stressor at a time. You and your wife have a lot on your plate right now. To me it is the thing that has to be dealt with right now. Unless something else is life threatening, I think it is fine to put it on the back burner. I don't mean to overeat, but just not to worry about reaching the extreme goal. Too much stress can be as bad or worse than too much weight. So enjoy some comfort food as long as it isn't too much. You'll know when it is time to concentrate more on losing weight.

Ten medicines sounds like a lot for anybody. It would even be a chore to take them! I don't know what they are all for, but I guess if your doctor prescribed them, he/she must have known why. I am never afraid to question the logic of doctors, though. Even the best ones can over-prescribe at times.

I suppose you are, cmag. You have much hanging over you. I think a goal of 135 lbs is insane too. Maybe 165 ~. I think choosing impossible goals is a set up for failure, and no one who is trying to lose lbs needs that lind of discouragement. Hopefully your new psychiatrist will be better in that regard and in others.
hugs and prayers

There has to be some interaction between all the drugs you are on and also side effects. Most antidepressants cause weight gain, and the lethargy likely is a side effect.

Thanks Jessie and emjo. I'm feeling rather lonely myself. My anxiety is showing itself in eating too much, plus some of my comfort food are not that healthy. I was going to meet with my new psychiatrist on Monday, but that is a holiday. Well, that leave my appointment with my present psychiatrist appointment on Monday for he is not celebrating that holiday like others are. He's on a crusade to see me lose down to 135 lbs which is insane. I've not been 135 since I was jr. high school. I was 165 when I got married. When I was doing power lifting in my early forties, I weighed 226. I have weighed in the 250's or so up and down a little for the past 10 years which have been full of a lot of stress. Frankly, I think there is some interaction going on between my 10+ prescriptions that I am on which is contributing to my not feeling rested when I get up and lethargic to the point that I just don't have that much energy and can fall asleep during the day at almost any time.

yes ((((((hugs)))) to you both. This must be a very difficult time. There must be a great lonelineess for her in facing what she is facing. Your support will be unvaluable,
prayers

I know there has to be a lot of hope and dread. If it is cancer, then the next few months will be hard. If it is, I hope they get all of it and that it never comes back. I am glad that you are there with her, cmag.

Waiting for the news, at the earliest on Wednesday is getting very tough for my wife. She keeps going over and over the biopsy itself plus everything she's read online. I'm listening and being supportive.