I am the oldest of 4 sisters and I have taken care of our mother in her home for 10 years. She has multiple health issues, including dementia, diabetes, incontinence, seizure disorder, heart valve replacement, and strokes. Her safety awareness is absolutely zero and since she is stubborn, she goes ahead and gets up from her wheelchair to walk around without letting me know. Sometimes she falls and 3 years ago broke her hip. I have rails up all around the house for her to grab onto just in case. Recently mom went into the hospital due to stroke-like symptoms and now is in a rehab facility. My youngest sister called two mornings ago and said "there is absolutely no reason why mom should EVER fall", and she said that I should be sitting next to mom every minute of the day that she is awake, and use a baby monitor at night in case mom should get up to use her commode (I have it next to her bed). I am blown away by that phone call. I am stunned. She sees mom about 2x a year and has flatly refused to take care of her for even an afternoon or overnight, so that I may get some time off, because "she has to work". I could go on and on, but I really need some ideas as to how to respond to her idea of perfect caregiving.
We call that the "Daughter from (insert name of distant city here) Syndrome". They know EVERYTHING you should do, and will tell you, from a distance. The only time they are ever *smarter* is when they parachute into your life for a few days once every few months/years, in which case they can be even more bossy.
There is no such thing as perfect caregiving for the elderly/infirm, since the dynamics change continually. And, I am sorry to point this out, but the fact of the matter is that unlike child-rearing, where they grow up and flourish, in this case, the situation is not going to get better (until it is over, that is). There is no happy ending. We are just doing the best we can, with quick sand under our feet.
Tell your sister that if she wants your mom under constant supervision, and totally safe, that she will have to be sedated 24/7 and kept in bed. If you want Mom to be as mobile as she wants to be, it would cost thousands of dollars to hire enough staff to have someone on either side of her at all times to catch her if she falls. Its a tough thing to wrap your brain around, but you cant protect them from everything, and bad stuff happens.
I'll bet you'd love to sit by your mother's side all day. All you need is a staff to run the household while you are doing that. Someone to cook, clean, set up medical appointments, pay bills, etc. Oh, and someone to take over the sitting job when you go to the bathroom or take a shower.
If Youngest Sister really wants to learn about caregiving the elderly and the common risk factors, there are many ways she can get educated. If she just wants to criticize you, I think you should gently and firmly disengage from that conversation.
I am the youngest of 5 kids.... NO ONE helps. NO one. Yet I am the bad guy. I have put my entire life on hold, gave up all social activities, job/career, etc for this, but I should be in prison?? I don't get paid to do this. I do this out of love. That is all. I just don't get siblings!
happy people. It really works and gives me a lift. We have to find what makes us happy under the circumstances.
Anyway, when we first starting taking care of my grandmother, she has severe alzhiemer's and parkingson's diease, my brother would constantly call to make sure that we were 'doing our jobs right'.
Now we live in Michigan, he lives in Washington state. Obviously he was not coming to visit very often.
About two years ago this had reached a breaking point between my parents and himself, with him threatening to call APS on us because grandma had a bruise on her head from a fall.
This was also right at Christmas time, so it was one of those rare times when he actually was in the house.
The ending result was that after this huge fight we left instructions on how to care for grandma, our daily routine with her, and then packed up and went away for a couple of days to a local motel leaving my brother and his partner to care for Grandma. They insisted that they could of course do it better at the start and didn't understand why three people were having so many issues with watching her.
The ending of the story is that by the end of a mere 48 hour period my brother was begging us to come back. Since then we have had no issues with threats or judgement from him.
Nothing you say to your sister is going to sink in to her brain. She is free and clear of the responsibility of caring for Mom and she plans to stay that way. Part of her ranting at you is guilt she will never admit to. And part of her rant is distrust of you because if she was in your situation, she would be securing her "inheritance." So she thinks you are doing the same thing.
The next step in this common scenario that you are living through is that your sister, or one of your other siblings not directly involved with Mom's care ,will come down on you with accusations of stealing and undue influence. One of them is going to come to visit, and while your back is turned, this person will have Mom sign a power-of-attorney. Mom's mail will be diverted, her checking account changed, and you may even find a new mortgage on her house if she has one.
You need to consult an attorney to learn how to cover yourself against allegations of elder abuse and protect any assets your mother has left. If you cannot afford an attorney, your local legal aid nonprofit may be able to assist you. You also need to find a caregiver resource center in your area. Some centers are able to provide respite care while you attend caregiver support groups. The people in these groups will be able to assist you in surviving the time you have left with Mom. Good luck.
Look you are doing the best you can taking care of your mother for a decade. If your sister has not stepped up finanically or physically to care for your mother in 10 yrs it isn't likely it will happen soon. I would tell her you don't need her critical opinions or comments and if she wants someone by your mother's side all night, she can feel free to hire and pay for a home health aide for 7 nights a week. That would be several thousand dollars a month. I doubt if she will go there but if she would, welcome the help. :)
Elizabeth