Helping my grandma to recover from a surgery somehow turned into me typing this 8 years later. At 39 years old, I didn't apply to be a "caregiver" & throw away my existing title of grand-daughter, but "caregiver" has somehow become my job title anyway. Somewhere along the way, my grandma's doctors just started talking directly to me while also asking endless questions like: "Are you doing this for her? Are you making sure of that for her?" So, I started doing "this and that" for her thinking "this and that" was my responsibility.
My grandma also started thinking I needed to do "this and that" for her when she could do those things for herself. I suppose doctors mistook her being hard of hearing as her being an invalid when she wasn't.
Now, I have not one minute alone in what's become far more than grabbing my grandma a cup of coffee and/or making her some lunch. She has no interests and no hobbies. The bulk of her needs have long since become depression-related & I'm required to pacify the loneliness that consumes her when I'm not tending to her every other growing need that's surpassing depression as a life of stubborn stagnation tends to create physical, mental, and spiritual illnesses.
"Covert Narcissism" is a term that only very recently came into my sphere of consciousness. I've tried to explain to my grandma that with prices inflating, I need to get a job. In doing so, I'm remembering the many other times I've asked for such permissions only to be met with the demand that I feel shame and guilt as if abandoning and rejecting her.
Doctor, Physical Therapists, Etc... tell her to keep moving. Her selective hearing misses these instructions.
Exhausted isn't the word. Burned-out isn't sufficient either. I've tried everything I know to try. I've tried to incentitivize hobbies only to be met with: "I can't do puzzles, crotchet, embroidery, gardening (you name it) ALL the time."
I haven't asked her to do anything "ALL the time"... just do something sometimes... something besides sitting and staring at me waiting on me to do something for her or that entertains/amuses her.
She refuses to practice her standing. She's let the strength of 2 functioning legs go with doctor's warnings that she'll become bed-ridden if she doesn't move. I ask her to "please stand" for only 2 minutes an hour and she acts as if I'm bullying her to which I dedicate hours trying to explain my sincere care only for her to become enraged.
She's never had a heart attack or stroke. She has CHF, courtesy of A-Fib, & fluid retention. For 4 of these 8 years that was in remission & she was on no meds. It's back and she's on 2 meds. She also self-medicated her anxiety with my back turned in 2020 with some of my grandpa's 20-year-old Nitro I didn't know she had stashed.
She blacked-out from the drop in Blood Pressure, fell, and broke her hip. Since then, fear keeps her from walking without a walker that she puts all her weight on while refusing physical therapy exercises.
I get about 4 hours of sleep (if lucky) which she begrudges, because she has the luxury of catnaps while I'm awake. Then, when I conk-out, she's awake and frustrated that I'm asleep.
I don't know what to do? I've tried to keep her out of a nursing home. I've drained 8 years of my life and my life savings to do it. 8 years & I called her sister once, 2 weeks ago, for help only to be told "don't call". My mom has been out of the picture for 12 years. It's just me and grandma and there's little-to-nothing left of me.
I didn't get a guide book. In 8 years, no medical professional has presented me with options so much as just given me more responsibilities that I still don't quite understand how her responsibilities became mine in total neglect of my own to myself.
I've lost all my friends as no friend likes a friend that has no time for them, and I have no time for myself. The moment to source this site & write are stolen while she naps.
Then I would like to rephrase 'being turned into a caregiver' into acknowledging you chose to. You chose to act as your values directed you. To step in. Because this is what felt right. Thank yourself again.
But now it's like you are living Grandma's life right? Your own life plans got neglected & shrunk - but - can be nourished & regrown again!
Things can change.
Acknowledging where you can be the first step.
http://www.incog.org/Agency_on_Aging/aaa_services.html
Since when does a 31 year old need his/her grandmother's permission to make decisions? Stop asking her to agree to decisions which are not hers to make.
I think I'm reminded why I don't reach out to people. But thanks for the number.
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this for 8 years. That's very rough. I think you need to come to terms with the fact the your Grandma is not going to change her ways. All you can do is change how to react to her and set strong boundries. Does she have money to hire a part time caregiver?
You are in charge not her. She needs you more than you need her. Look for a part time online job. Tell her you are working X amount of hours. During those times she isn't to bother you. She can watch tv or stare out the window. Do whatever but she isn't to disturb you. Some online jobs are flexible. You can take breaks to check on her.
Also, not getting enough sleep leads to long term health problems. Tell her this. Does she care about you? If so, you need 7-8 hours of sleep a night.
You're 39 years old. Do you want to spend your 40s looking after her too? Do you want to have kids? What are your dreams? If Grandma willingly went into a nursing home tomorrow, what would you want to do with your life?
Anything I need for myself is "selfish". She gets jealous of anything that takes my attention from her, even if it's only 5 minutes in ways that will cause self-harm, and looking back that's always been the case (she was an alcoholic and I was her carer when I was a child too). All but me are alcoholic or drug addicts in my family. She has 2 sisters addicted to pain meds.
When raised in this box; it's hard to see there's an outer world where this is not normal.
I haven't thought of personal dreams or goals in a long time. I'm just needing a job to pay the bills as prices rise with inflation. I've explained that, but she insists I'm just being selfish and don't care about her. Then she falls into a worse sickness as my talk of getting a job increases her anxiety in ways, like in 2020, where she self-medicated that anxiety on my grandpa's old Nitro I didn't know she had stashed resulting in her blacking out and breaking a hip. There went me getting a job.
When I try to talk to her about practicing her standing, independence, and the need for me to get a job... she tells me to "shut-up" point-blank. If I don't "shut-up" she storms off in such a way that she could fall.
It's an absolute mess. Now, I can't even get her to go to doctor's appointments. She won't budge. She just had to go into the ER last night for fluid build-up (24 hour wait due staffing shortage). I had to call an ambulance to take her cause she won't budge.
I got chewed out by exhausted staff demanding the ER not be used in lieu of a doctor which I totally get. I don't begrudge them their frustration. They were busy.
24 hour wait. They kept her 2 hours draining fluid (not enough fluid) & sent her home cause the ER is too packed. They want me to call her doctor, but she won't go to a doctor (always an excuse).
It's very lonely and isolated existence... this life I've chosen. In 8 years, not one person has called to ask me how I'm doing as my every minute is consumed with worry over her. And I'm only just starting to think of me as her overall health does decline in ways that it had not in the years before & I can't get her to a doctor with enraged and understaffed ER tossing her out.
I made the stop here after a divorce. Was happy I could be of help. Thought we'd both get on out feet and heal... me after a divorce and her after a surgery. Didn't work out that way. I think we're both sicker than ever.
But I genuinely thank you for showing care. Your comment was very kind and considerate and it's much appreciated.
I think you know what to do. But will you do it? Unfortunately, I don't think so.
You may feel powerles, but certainly are not. You just haven't realised it yet.
"I've tried to explain to my grandma that with prices inflating, I need to get a job. In doing so, I'm remembering the many other times I've asked for such permissions only to be met with the demand that I feel shame and guilt as if abandoning and rejecting her."
Permission? Her permission for you to get a job?
Not Her Decision. Don't give it to her to make.
2020. Told grandma I was going to get a job. Grandma became more anxious by the thought of me getting job. Grandma took Grandpa's 20-year-old Nitro spray when my back was turned to calm herself from the anxiety my telling her I would be getting a job produced. Grandma (previous alcoholic with a lifetime habit of medicating away every kind of concern) blacked-out and broke hip from taking Nitro her heart didn't need to calm the anxiety my telling her I would be getting a job produced.
This is what I mean by "permission". Everytime I tell her I will be getting a job something happens that pins me down with regard to her care needs in ways that have made me feel responsible for both the anxiety-produced incident and thus the after care.
I'm only recently realizing the consistency of me telling grandma I'll be getting a job only for something to happen that pins me down. And I am concerned about the responsibility I have to her.
It's not as easy as "grow-up" and "just do you" when you know, through years of examples, how you doing you in any way shape, or form has resulted in grandma's self-harm with the accompanying "all your fault" gaslighting as if my need to get a job is the cause of the harm.
Does she have an actual medical diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment? This matters because if she doesn't, then "putting her in AL" will mean she can check herself out and go back home. It also matters because it impacts how you interact with her and what she is actually "capable" of deciding and doing.
We don't know if she can afford the cost of AL, although some responders have suggested this as a solution. Price is always the issue. She may have enough funds to pay for a little while, then she will need to apply for Medicaid. For this reason, if you are privy to all her financial information, a consult with a Medicaid Planner for your state may help you know if and when she will qualify, and how to protect her ability to qualify through careful management of her assets. In this scenario if there are no complications, and you are her PoA and she has a medical diagnosis of impairment, then your authority should be active and you can make her move into AL whether she wants to or not. If you don't have PoA, and you can't convince her to assign you, then this is not a solution you can pursue.
If no one is her PoA and she's unwilling to assign it (or can't due to cognitive incapacity) and you live in her house: then leave (yes, move out). Then call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. Tell them there's no one who is willing and able to care for her. It will be difficult to watch her struggle, but eventually the county will pursue guardianship and they will transition her into a facility. Your responsibility is finished.
Then there's the "ER dump". How this works: the next time she needs a trip there due to her illness do not act on her behalf. Take her there, don't sign any paperwork, get her checked in and then leave. Make sure the discharge people know there's no one home to care for her and she's unable to care for herself there -- an "unsafe discharge". Do not go get her, don't even answer your phone when the hospital calls. You should be moved out at this point. Do not believe the hospital if they call and tell you they'll "help". They won't. Keep telling them you can't help her and she is an "unsafe discharge". They will remand her to the county who will place her and manage her affairs. Your responsibility is finished.
I totally understand that any/all of this feels very distasteful. But measure this finite discomfort against the continuation of servanthood for who knows how long and at what further cost to you. It's unsustainable and you know it. There really are no other options for either of you. May you receive clarity in your mind and peace in your heart as you make some life-changing decisions now, for a hope-filled future.
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
If your g/m is really one of those people, she's cowed you into caring for her all these years and has made you feel responsible for her happiness and also for her misery. Your life isn't your own, due to her manipulations, and that's why you're stuck in this nightmare.
See if any of the words in the article ring true. If so, get some counseling to help you get OUT of the muck & the mire g/m has bound you to. You need to SEE what's happening and what she's done to you..........you need to say ENOUGH. I'm DONE with this nonsense and it's time for g/m to go into a Nursing Home or for me to do the ER Dump with her, like Geaton suggested. It's gotta come from YOU though, nobody else. You have to be at the end of your rope and ready to stop the madness. She has an unnatural hold over you which is why you've allowed this to go on for so long.
Get angry now. That will be the emotion you NEED to get you OUT of the mess you're in and ON with your own life!
You can do it! You are worth it! Power on and make it happen, one step at a time.
I’ve been dealing with this for years with my father. For reasons that are beyond my control for now he is living with me. It’s been worse lately as I’ve made the mistake of calling him on things he says and does. He denies saying these things, and then I get the self pity. As I’ve learned with some answers that I’ve I read regarding narcissism, it’s pointless trying to win against both the passive aggressive manipulation.
Time has come for you to create your own life, create boundaries, you are not responsible for somebody’s happiness or unhappiness.
Maybe start with finding care for her, even few hours a day, and make contact with friends or just one and go out.
There is only one guilt in being caregiver, neglecting yourself.
Are you open to the idea of pursuing therapy? I certainly would if I were you.
Your life is a treasure! I hope you can start reclaiming it. 😊
I read how your thought of getting a job seemed to start a negative chain-reaction of events.
I can see how it feels all mixed up.
Your *thought* of getting a job & *action* of telling G'ma are yours - in your control.
What thoughts & feelings your G'ma had (her anxiety) & the action she took (Nitro spray) are Grandma's - in HER control.
Does that make sense?
Grandma could have said "that's wonderful, what sort of work will you look for?". She didn't. That's unfortunate.
She is old & needy & so has become selfish. It happens. You working means you cannot be there for her 24/7. But YOUR time is YOURS.
The time you have spent helping her is a GIFT.
It is not an endless, no limit gift forever. That would be enslavement.
I do think counselling will give you the best chance to gain confidence to move forward.
Her responsibilities became your responsibilities because you let them. Giving up your mental, emotional and financial well being because you want to keep her out of a nursing home is a decision you made. She would be safe and well cared for in a facility. I am sure she would rather have you looking after her but that is not her decision.
Either accept that this your life or find a solution, which is most likely a care facility. Who knows, maybe when you walk away someone else in your family may step up.
See if her doctor will recommend her for a Rehabilitation stay. From there, they can try to help her and then assess her necessary level of care. From there, it will be easier to get her to a nursing home, assisted living, or senior care community. Tell her you will help her in any way you can, but you cannot live with her anymore. Once she is out and you have more time to think and sleep you can assess what level of support you want to continue giving her from afar.
Try talking to the Agency for Aging in your state to get more advice on where she can live after rehab.
Yet you now are allowing her to eat up your own.
Another word that you might look into is "enmeshment". It is when the boundaries between two people are so blurred that they become virtually non-existent.
Given that this unhealthy choice has already consumed the early years of your life, when you should have been moving out, getting a job, making friends and a family, I think this has gone too far for just the opinions of some folks on a Forum. This choice, after 8 years, can no longer be laid at the feet of Grandmother. You will have to recognize eventually that your choices for your own life are your own choices, and will define that life.
I encourage you to get counseling for yourself to work on your own life. Your grandmother may need others to step in, she may need family or the state to help her with safe placement, but she does NOT need to consume your life (unless you allow it).
Please see a good counselor, and get yourself off this circular path leading to nowhere.
It is very difficult to change our lives and our habitual ways. No matter how miserable our daily lives are, they represent the KNOWN, and there's nothing more scary than the UNknown. So, when you reach out for real PROFESSIONAL help for yourself give yourself a huge pat on the back. THAT takes great courage! You have one life. It is yours to live, and the choices you make -- again-- will define the quality of that life.
I wish you the best, and I am so sorry for where this path has led you.
From your replies, you want us to blame the doctors who shoe-horned you into this, Grandma who is a pain in the but, and anyone else who has stood by while your life disappeared. Yes, they are all to blame.
BUT you sound like many others. You feel helpless, when clearly you are not. You can walk away from most of it, now. Stop jumping to Grandma. If she tries something suicidal again, who cares? It’s her choice. No-one is going to miss her much, and you will be a lot better off.
It would help to try out the options people are suggesting, instead of telling yourself that no-one understands how impossible they are for you. You are clearly intelligent, so …..