My 84-year-old mother, who lives with me, has burned up two microwave ovens almost causing fires. She sets them, goes back to her room to wait and forgets. I have tried everything, offering to heat items up for her, suggesting she remains in the kitchen while cooking and this is what she says. “Please stop treating me like the village idiot in my own house. I spent the afternoon looking at cheap apartments to move to. You are driving me out of my own home.” She does not have dementia, she is just stubborn as a mule. Any suggestions?
Start worrying. This isn’t minor stuff; it will only get worse.
Worrying or panicking has never helped a single situation or person at any time since the dawn of time.
The mother needs to get some testing done and be moved into whatever type of housing is appropriate for her needs. If the OP is planning on her staying, she can explore homecare options too.
The place to start is with a dementia assessment by her doctor or one that he recommends.
Worrying and panicking is just as useless as the ridiculous stubbornness.
Good luck figuring out what to do before disaster strikes.
She does have dementia and is being stubborn and stupid. She is a danger to herself and others. No more cooking. Kitchen fires spread FAST, and that black smoke will kill you both before the actual fire does.
Even worse...she hasn't had a Doctor see her in 60 YEARS? No blood tests, no flu shots or Covid shots? No mammograms? What is the matter with her?
Tell her you ARE driving her out because she is stubborn and putting you at great risk. INSIST she start looking for assisted living facilities to move to. No Landlord will rent a cheap apartment to an 84 year old stubborn mule. See an Elder lawyer abut dividing the home/assets. She will not get what she wants like she thinks.
If you end up sick, she goes to a facility ANYWAY. Better for her to select one now. Don't tolerate the guilt trips she tries to use on you. You can always move out and force her to buy your half out. It's worth quite a bit now, and she has no job to qualify to refinance to buy you out.
This kind of selfish and stubborn behavior is DANGEROUS.
Her moving into an apartment on her own probably isn't going to be feasible. Getting her into see her doctor is. Talk to him ahead of time and tell him how she's acting and you want some dementia testing done. This is a good starting point.
In the meantime until there's been a safe place found for her to live that can meet her needs, you set some rules.
Have you ever been told, 'My house, my rules' when you were a kid?
Well, today your mother starts living by that. She lives in your house you aren't living in her house.
She doesn't cook in your kitchen anymore. Those days are done and is not negotiable. Make your language plain. There are other foods she can snack o between meals that don't have to be heated up.
Most likely she will rant, rave, complain, throw tantrums and be verbally abusive to you. It is what it is and you have to deal with it while she's living in your house. She's not using the stove or microwave anymore though. Set that boundary today.
While she may not be diagnosed with "dementia" she does seem to have some cognition problems.
You have a few options.
1. PROHIBIT the use of the microwave unless she remains in the kitchen. I can't imagine anything that she would heat up that takes so long that she has to return to her room and wait.
2. A small microwave in her room that she can put whatever it is that she is heating and it will be ready by the time she sits down.
Your house your rules if she does not like it you can tell her that you can search for Assisted Living apartments next month.
I also suggest a microwave that has very few functions. She may not be setting the time correctly. A microwave will not burn things up if she is using the correct time and setting. If she is not adding liquid to a cup of instant soup that may burn. But a frozen dinner if the time is set correctly should not burn. She may be setting 1 hour instead of 1 minute that would burn up a meal.
I think there are some microwaves that will scan the bar code and set the time correctly that might work (unless that is only the kind that comes with one of the "meal plan" subscriptions.)
And I would get her evaluated again for cognitive function. Until then limit her kitchen time simply to keep yourself safe.
Stubbornness is one of the hallmark early signs. She also forgets she has something in the microwave .
Not everyone presents with a lot of memory problems in the beginning , especially with vascular dementia . Everyone thinks it’s always memory problems first. That is because Alzheimer’s is the most common form of dementia , around 80%. It’s not uncommon to think a parent is just being stubborn .
Your mother is not recognizing the dangers she is causing , she’s also unreasonable about it . This points to her possibly having problems with executive function . Both my mother and father in law had vascular dementia , stubborn as all get out . They had more and more trouble figuring out how to do normal everyday things , disregarded safety measures , could not recognize that they were not safe , could not recognize that anything was wrong with their thinking and functioning regarding daily tasks. They thought they were fine . No one including doctors thought there was anything wrong with them . In the beginning they could still carry on complex conversations , up to date on current events . Their memories were good until later on as the disease progressed.
Your mother on some level knows something is wrong, but she thinks you are the problem , which is why she said she’s looking to move out . She doesn’t recognize that she is the one having issues . She can not properly comprehend what you are saying about the microwave . She can not execute a plan of using the microwave properly and safely . Read up about executive function, and dementia.
Your Mom will need constant supervision in the kitchen , she can not be left alone at home anymore because even if you tell her not to go in the kitchen when you are out , she will . She thinks she’s fine and you are being a pain .
If you don’t want to live having to supervise Mom 24/7. You will need to hire help ( using Moms money ) to give you breaks from caregiving .
Or Mom lives in assisted living .
I think that you have painted yourself into a corner by co-owning this home.
Things are very unlikely to get better.
And if she's not putting metal in the microwaves, but is just setting the timer for far too long to actually almost start a fire, that too is a sign of mental decline/dementia.
Your mom should not be allowed to do any cooking of any kind unless you are right by her side to make sure she's not going to harm anyone by "mistake," because next time she/you may not be so lucky.
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