Does anyone have suggestions for how I can deal with my dad who is a recluse, unsociable, depressed, pessimistic and just waiting to die to be with my mom? He reads newspapers, magazines, does word finds, and watches TV but refuses to go anywhere or do anything. He is in very good health except for prostate cancer, blocked carotids, and some arthritis. Never had a heart attack, stroke, no surgeries, pretty amazing for his age.
But he is so grumpy, critical, pessimistic, which he has always been. But even more so now.
I moved to sw Florida from Colorado a few years ago to be with my mom who had Alzheimer's and am grateful I had that time with her. I really want to move back to Colorado because I love it there and it will always be home. I work full time and have a full schedule but don't like it here for a number of reasons. Would it be selfish to move back knowing he will be alone without anyone local and have to deal with things by himself?
My sister in DC has some contact with him and her daughter and family as well, but my other sister and her family has no contact with him at all for reasons that happened when my mom was in memory care and he was nasty, beligerant and obnoxious to her and me. I swore I would leave and move back when Mom passed but I haven't had the energy or financial means to move and find a place to live and new job. If anyone could offer some advice and insight, I would be very grateful.
Why is this your job to change for him? Are you still hoping that you will disrupt your own life attempting to make his life better in his own mind (which you will never accomplish) so that he will say to you "What a wonderful daughter you are; I wish I had known that all my life; I wish I had realized what a gem you are!" Because that is never going to happen. Is it because all his life he has made you feel guilty and inadequate and it is still working well? Is it so others will think you are a Saint?
Help your father with what HE WANTS HELP with, not what you think he should do with his life. Tell him "If there is something I can do for you please do let me know, Dad, and if I am able I will help you". Then gauge how much you can do without disrupting your own life. Meanwhile send lots of word-find puzzles, and understand that at the end of life not everyone wants to go out there and conquer the world; some are tired. As a nurse it was the hardest job I had, explaining to families of elders, to families of the very ill, that people get TIRED, and just want to move on to a peaceful end to it all. It's an option.
I live in Colorado and used to live in Florida. I hated Florida and moved back here to Colorado. My folks followed me all around the country until I moved back East and they couldn't afford to, so they moved to Fl. When Dad couldn't drive anymore and had to give up his license, I had to move them back to Colorado in 2011 where I wound up again after living back East. Are you following all the madness? Sigh. Anyway, I had to place both of them in Assisted Living in 2014, Dad passed in 2015 and now mom lives in memory care. Even though she is in memory care, its practically a full time job for me to be handling everything for her including complicated finances.
My point in all this is this......if you feel like dad doesn't need your help or your company now, move back to Colo. Get while the gettings good. He will likely need your help down the line somewhere and you can worry about it THEN. It's a huge job to take on the care and management of a parent, never mind one who's grumpy and uninterested. You are not selfish to want a life of your own so get busy creating one, in the place that makes you happy!
Good luck
If he’s always been this way & he was only going out because of your Mom, there’s no changing him now. It sounds like he does keep his mind active so if he’s content to stay home, I think it’s okay. Unless he’s absolutely refusing to take care of necessities! I’m not even a senior & I don’t like going out unless it’s for groceries or yarn.
As for you moving back to Colorado, I have no advice on that.
The love of his life is gone so he will be depressed. This isn't how he had planned his old age retirement. I bet all of his friends have either moved away or have passed on. Driving isn't the same.
As we age food doesn't taste the same except for sweets. Our eyesight starts to fade and so does our hearing. Just walking up a flight of stairs can become exhausting. The TV shows aren't the same on the tube. What happened to Ed Sullivan, Lawrence Welk, Leave it to Beaver, type of shows? Today's shows are not that good [I am beginning to sound like my parents].
Telephone's aren't the came. I plan to keep my land-line. When the phone rings, I know how to answer it blindfolded. Even computers can become complex. My Dad use to write code, and then in his 90's, it was difficult for him to remember his password to get into the computer, much less where he had written it down.
My Dad moved to Independent Living at a senior facility as he was tired of trying to maintain a house at 94. He had a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment, large living room, and full-size kitchen. He said he wished he would have moved in years earlier.
My Dad was also a quiet person, happy being surrounded by his books, and watch TV. Only time he would talk with other residents was during dinner in the main dining room. This type of arrangement was cost him $5k per month, which he used the equity from his house to pay the rent. Eventually he needed to move to Memory Care which was in the same complex.
Even though my Dad prefer to be in his room, he liked knowing there were Staff that was checking up on him so he never felt like he was alone. Dad had become a fall-risk.
Yes you are right about everything...his friends have all passed except for two men. Hard to believe all 3 outlived their wives.
His hearing, eyes , teeth, taste , appetite, pace, activity level, everything is similar.
My dad loves living on the beach even though he never goes out to walk it. He just sits on his Lanai and stares out to the beach and water. I think I have concluded that as long as he is safe and is eating, sleeping, showering, doing daily activities, then so be it that he stays home and is alone. I ask him if he wants to go to s movie, bowling, bingo, out for dinner and it's always no. So I will not try to suggest anything and accept that he has made his choices.
Thsnk you all for your insights and feedback. I.m very grateful.
And then there's this: "Would it be selfish to move back knowing he will be alone without anyone local and have to deal with things by himself?" Actually, that's the wrong question. The *real* question is: is there anything you can do to support your father by living near him that you couldn't do if you were back in Colorado?
If your being nearby is doing nothing to benefit him, there really is naff-all point in your making the sacrifice. But is that strictly true? You don't get any feedback form him, he doesn't seem to appreciate your company, but is it true that he isn't benefiting from your being there?
Of course I can't know, but I think your other sister's basing her refusal to have any contact with him on his "nastiness" while your mother was in memory care is... possibly a bit harsh. Aren't there allowances to be made for the stress and grief and fear he must have been going through at the time? I respect your sister's right to set her boundaries where she thinks best, but I hope she isn't directly blaming him for more than he could help.
Before you move back, which may be the right decision, you need a thorough health review including assessment for dementia (blocked carotids could mean compromised blood supply to the brain could mean vascular dementia, which would explain worsening depression for example - but this is only my amateur guess and you need professional input).
And in any case - what about powers of attorney, health care proxies, advance directives and the rest of the paperwork? Has he seen to that?