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My mom is 94 years old and has been diagnosed with Dementia. I started taking care of her around 2012 and had the foresight to arrange a Durable Power of Attorney when she was lucid and capable of making sound decisions. As this terrible disease progresses it has caused my mom to behave irrational, suspicious, and many times very angry. I've arranged and managed all her health, financial, and household needs for years without any problem. She is constantly complaining of the littlest thing and says her life is awful. I've gotten her Medicaid which pays for an in-home aide to come to the house five days a week for 7 hours. We have gone through 15 of these home aides due to the abusive treatment my mom gives them. No one should take this kind of abuse, so they always wind up leaving. My mom just makes everyone around her miserable. Lately she has begun to focus her negative thoughts on me. She will tell anyone that comes to the house how I am mistreating her and that she needs help. She has called the Police no less than 8 times (using 911) and when they arrived, they were able to quickly determine that she was not making sense as she wanted me arrested for putting too much salt on her food. I know my mom is ill and that the lapse in her memory is causing her to fill in the gaps with these fantastic stories that seem to always blame me for whatever is going on in her head. It is very difficult to hear her say these hurtful things especially when she also tells them to other people. It is getting more and more difficult to let the things she says roll off my back. How much longer can I ignore her statements of, "I should have never had you" or "You're just as worthless as your father". I am also a gay man, and she has no problem calling me the Q word or the F word. Her ultimate suspicion is that I am making plans to put her in a home. I have made no such plans, but I am starting to believe that I need help otherwise I will lose my mind. I have literally not had a life in over 7 years, and she fails to realize the sacrifices I am making to take care of her. Lately she has been threatening to go to our attorney to remove me from the Durable Power of Attorney and to kick me out of the house of which I help pay for. So far, she has not asked me to take her to our attorney, but I have no doubt that she will want to eventually. Perhaps I am not the best person to take care of her anymore, but there is no one else. We do have a few relatives but due to her very abrasive personality she was estranged from them long ago. Is there some kind of service who will evaluate my mom and help me determine how to care for her? The current situation is not sustainable, and I need to reach out for some support to keep my mom healthy and save my sanity. Thanks to all who respond.

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Oh my gosh..you have been a saint to tolerate this ABUSE from her for so long. Please make a referral to your local County Adult Protective Services unit and they will work with you as Durable POA to find a suitable placement. Think of it as saving her from herself..and you reclaiming the life you so richly deserve. Life is hard enough to give yours away to someone who is incapable of appreciating you. I am in the process of doing that too at this moment. I ended up in hospital ER with an almost deadly panic attack and low oxygen level after her most recent verbal and physical attack. Life is too short .,live yours, and find someone who deserves to love you ...Sending a hug.
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First recommendation is to find an Alzheimer's Support Group where you can express your frustrations & get advice from others in your type of situation. You may need to seek out counseling for yourself also. Talk with Alzheimer's Association about respite care as it sounds like you could use it. Have your mom checked out by a gerontologist for possible med changes or reasons for change in behavior.
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I feel so much for what you are going through. It can be so painful, hurtful and demoralizing when the parent you had is no longer the parent you have. And trying to not hear what they say, or rationalizing it by thinking that they don't know what they are saying due to their illness, doesn't negate the words that pierce your heart. I know, for I went through this myself- although my mother didn't have memory issues. Throughout my lifetime, she said the same things yours has -except she was fully mentally present - "I should have never had you" or "You're just like your worthless father" - dealt emotional blows to me that made me try to do everything possible to change the 'perception' she had. But with no success.

Even when she aged I did everything possible for her, she still said terrible hurtful things to me, about me to others, yet my being an only child and only family she had, I felt I had a duty/obligation/responsibility to take care of her - but it ended up being out of guilt, not love.

Next time she wants to go to the attorney, agree to it and take her. (although forewarn the attorney of her conditions). The attorney will be able to quickly assess her mental capabilities and coupled with the medical diagnosis of dementia, any legal documents can no longer be changed by her. )Btw- the medical diagnosis does enable you to enact the DPOA for her, thus you can make legal and medical decisions for/about her). But the attorney appt could have the attorney have the discussion with her about changing the DPOA, that the attorney will 'investigate' it to be discussed in a follow up appt (which your mother might forget about). But the appt could also assist the attorney in making the determination that she is incapable of handling her own affairs and that the DPOA can be enacted.

You need a support system- and given the lack of family/relatives - start checking out various agencies that could provide some relief for you. Maybe even hiring a Geriatric Care Manager who could step in at times for you. I did just that for my mother, so that I had a back up, when needed, to take her to dr appts, deal with medical issues/concerns, assist in finding the help mother needed. Plus that way, I was able to take a weekend off here and there, without worry, because mother knew she could call the Geriatric Care Manager in my absence for anything and everything. Yes, it costs, but well worth the mental relief I would get periodically.
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Hi TM Roger,

Lord I feel for you! And you still concerned and trying to help her and she mean and threatening! Calling you Q and F!
Well TM you aint alone, I just dont understand how people get to be this nasty and to their own children! Those they are meant to love the most!

I do not have a solution for you! Can you ask her what she would like to do going forward. Do you have somewhere else to live if she were to throw you out?
You need support! It, s not all about her! Tell her, you feel you cant cope anymore with her. I mean do you love her so much that you are willing to sacrifice your own sanity and happiness?
You cant allow her to destroy you!

Can you turn the tables on her and just be positive and firm and calm.

Take her out to lunch or to a park. Does she enjoy anything? Is there anything fun she would like to do before she dies?

Well you have this forum, you are not alone! Stay strong

Go out and do something for you. It, s not all about her! But yeh, shocking about the home helps but surely they professional people and used to dealing with cantankerous elderly?
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You have many people here telling you it is time to transition your mom into memory care. I know there can be guilt with putting a parent into a facility but it's clearly draining your life and you haven't developed the necessary ability to let the insults roll off your back. She doesn't mean them - it's because of her illness.

I'm confused - you say you want someone to evaluate her but you also said later that "I wanted to add to my initial post that I do have an official diagnosis of Dementia and Alzheimer's as well as a statement of incapacity from her primary care doctor." Why do you need an evaluation if she's already been evaluated?

Are you hesitating to put her in permanent memory care because you help pay for the house? Are you afraid you won't have somewhere to live if she is not at home?
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she sounds nasty try to ignore it
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Unfortunately bad behavior is sometimes one of the symptoms of dementia. People with dementia can also be violent, kicking, hitting and biting. (And she can no longer sign legal papers if her mind is not sound.) People with dementia go through phases. This phase may pass, but sadly her physical and mental health is likely to decline further. She will need a higher level of care as she declines. If her care is getting to be too much for you, you have 2 basic options: having caregivers come to the house to assist her (and you) or placing her in assisted living/memory care. You have tried caregivers, and she has not been cooperative. And she will also resist memory care from what you are saying. Caregivers who are skilled at dementia care know how to handle personality disorders. Can you try to get caregivers who are more skilled? Much will depend on her finances. Can you speak with her attorney about her diagnosis and her irrationality. Perhaps it's time to officially activate the POA. You may have to make arrangements that she may initially resist, such as placing her in memory care. Sometimes people resist at first and then adjust to living in a senior facility. The advantage of facility is skilled professional staff who are managed by people with expertise. Also speak with her doctor. There may be medications that can calm her. You have been a caring son, and don't lose sight of that. Your responsibility is to make sure that she is being cared for and overseeing her care, but you don't have to be the one doing the care. You also deserve to have a life. Hopefully you'll find a good solution that is best for both of you. All the best!
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tmroger3: Perhaps it is time for managed care facility living for your mother. It has reached that point in your caregiving that perhaps your health and well being are going to suffer or indeed have without placement. As she called 9-1-1 a total of at least eight times for non emergent things, she has taken away valuable resources, which is no doubt known to those in charge. You should not have to listen to her fantastical stories. Good luck.
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Time to part ways.
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I feel for you. That negativity is horrible and not one that you can control.

The problem is that she cannot control it also. Throughout my mother's life, if she didn't have enough to "work" on, she made up crisis so that she could have something to do. The unfortunate part of this is that dreaming up of crisis means that you have to have negative thoughts in the first place.

I'm sorry for you. If you haven't consulted a doctor about this, I would suggest that you do. The negativity could be the verbal manifestation of anxiety. Some of the behaviors that you say she is doing (like calling the police) does indicate anxiety.

Also see if you can get her out with others. Maybe try involving her in a church group or placing her in an adult day care center for a couple days a week. The thought process is to keep her mind on other things so that she doesn't dwell into the negative that damages you.

If you have already contacted a doctor and had her checked out (maybe meds), it might be time for you to place her into Memory Care. I would not do the Nursing Home type, I would try to find one that is more "active". One where there are people walking around (versus bed-ridden). Maybe if she is around other people, she will see what the others are doing, and that will be enough to keep her brain active without being self-destructive.

As you are researching and touring MC facilities, ask them what they do in cases like your Mom's. Maybe they have some strategies that you have not tried yet.

My heart goes out to you. When my Mom is in the lows of dementia, she is also a very negative person...and she reserves it all for me. Because she is in a MC unit, I listen until I cannot take it anymore, then put her back into the hands of the very capable caregivers of MC. By the next day, the subject is different and I've had some sleep and I can deal with it again.
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Hello, I truly understand where you are as I was there too. It’s so heartbreaking. It actually caused me to despise my mother and that was so hard to deal with emotionally, as I felt awful for feeling that way as before the dementia we were very close. All of the lies and innuendo’s really took a toll on me.
Over a 9 year span with support I learned to get “ thick skin” and allowed her behavior and unkind words to roll off me.. whew it was a tough journey! I was told by my Elders, that they will turn on the closest people to them.
You “cannot” change their minds, so therefore, just take care of her needs (for as long as you can)and say “I love you mom in-spite of everything, (even while the tears flow)” And when you’re at your limit I would suggest putting her in NH or AL.
In our spirit the love will never change but our human side can only take but so much! Actually it was my mom that taught me( without even knowing it)… to love the person but despise the behavior! I’m grateful for that lesson! Didn’t quite like the way it came about but the hard lessons in life usually come about in a way we may not like!
Be encouraged 💕
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Dementia often reaches the point where placement is necessary. Now is that time for you with your mother, it seems. My mother was placed in Memory Care when she was at the moderate stage of dementia and started telling me horrible stories about my father which were totally unnecessary. Her mobility became compromised, along with her mentation, and so I had no other choice but to transfer her from regular Assisted Living into the Memory Care building after a hospitalization for pneumonia. She loved Assisted Living, so the transfer into MC was no big deal. She continued to go downhill on a regular basis in MC and continued treating me like dirt, saying horrible things to me about how I wasn't her 'real' daughter and how she'd longed for 'children of her own' her whole life, which my father prevented her from having (I was adopted). So IMO, her REAL feelings were coming out b/c dementia stripped away her filters. When that hurtful dialogue got going, I was able to leave her presence and go home. You can't do that and are listening to the hurtful words being spewed at you all the time. What for? Your life matters too here, my friend. Not just your mother's. She's now at a point where she needs more care than YOU are capable of giving her. Her calling the police like she does is inappropriate. Take away her phone, while you get busy investigating Skilled Nursing Facilities to place her in.

Get into the role of being a visitor and a son again instead of her scratching post and vessel for her vitriol. You don't deserve that. And she deserves to be in a place where she's cared for 24/7 by people who aren't affected by her vicious words b/c they're not emotionally invested, as you are.

You have every right to live your life free from this type of judgment from your mother, dementia or not. Your life is equally as important as hers is. Get her placed now, save your sanity, and go visit her on YOUR schedule, when you can bring her a little gift and a snack. And can leave when her nasty mouth gets ramped up and starts calling you names. That's how things should be now. Enough is enough, you're a good son who's done ENOUGH for his mother.

Good luck to you.
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You are doing everything you can and then some. You are a good person. It’s time for mom to be in a dementia care facility and then continue being the caring person you are and visit her as much as possible.
I learned something from your post. I didn’t know Medicaid would pay for home aide’s for seven hours. Thank you for that.
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Take the phone away from her. Walk out of the room when she abuses you. Do all the things that need to be done for her like feeding, bathing, medication. You can also administer her some vitamins like Vit C, cal/mag, B Complex, etc to help her relax and calm down. Is she able to walk? And get her on some meds for her mood swings.
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It’s good that you have people coming in to witness her behavior. Can you tell to her doctor about it? They may be able to suggest something that could help and you will have her behavior on record. Obviously if she’s being fed well, and she is in good shape physically then there is nothing to back up her accusations of abuse. I think there does come a time when you might have to separate yourself from her since you have your own sanity to think of. I’d also consult an elder law attorney. You may need to have your mom deemed incompetent to manage her own affairs so you can step in and have the full power to make decisions on her behalf. Good luck.
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its time to put her in a nursing home. For your own sanity and self worth
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A number of us on this forum could have written this. My mother is exactly like this except she does not call the police. I would encourage you to do some research on "enmeshment" and see if this is what your mother is doing. I constantly feel as If I am my mother's default second husband. She has called me by my father's name and said "you are exactly like your father". If you can get away you might want to start working with a counselor. Did she treat your father like this? if so then she's going to treat you exactly the same way. If she manipulated your father with affection etc. then she's going to do exactly the same to you. Along with enmeshment you might also look at "emotional incest".
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Oh, you poor thing! It's time to get her into a care facility. You can't keep this up.

As a middle-aged mom with an aging parent, I have already told my own children, "Do NOT bring me to live with you. It was my job to raise you and care for you. Find me a nice home, visit me, and focus on your children."

Yes, dementia is a sickness that can turn people incredibly cruel as their filters die and their brain melts away. It's utterly tragic, but it's also a reality. You don't have to live with abuse, no matter what the cause. You've done your best, and you simply don't have more to give. Save yourself. You can't help your mom anymore, but that doesn't mean she can't be safe and cared for somewhere else.

The LAST thing you should do is view this as your failure to be a good child. No parent would want their kid to suffer at their hands, costing them their own health and sanity if they were in their right state of mind. Your life matters. You matter.
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Isabelsdaughter Aug 2022
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Hekloand first I want to say I wish I had some great advice for you. But I do have empathy and I will put you in my prayers because I'm in kinda the same both but with I'm just a little different than you but my mom's exactly the same, don't let the mean things she says get to your heart, you r beautiful, no matter what she says, you r a saint for sticking around this long so am I (17 years) don't waste anymore of your life...my mother has isolated me and herself with her being ugly all these years and I'm an only child and it won't get any better, you're telling yourself a lie that it will. Gosh I'm so sorry to say, it kills me to hear it again. I am 53 I'm finally leaving. I am walking away letting her go live her life. You should let medicaid and the state and your Mother make her decisions. Get yourself into government housing. I'm applying for my own housing voucher. Not going to be a prisoner to my own Mother who isn't the same person who raised me. She is gone. SAVE YOURSELF. Parents at this age believe they are owed by the children and they are mean and srkf righteous especially with dementia you can't talk to them they are sneaky they lie, steal your money your car keys your medicine they call the police and they tell people you are trying to kill them and steak their money... GET OUT WHILE YOU HAVE YOUR SANITY & YOUR $$
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Your wellbeing is most important! You have done an excellent job of taking care of your mom, but at this point, maybe she requires more care than you can give and may benefit from a facility that can give her 24/7 attention. They can also adjust her meds as needed so that these abusive outburst aren't controlling her life and those around her. Once placed, you can visit her when her temperament is more tolerable.

I think the first step is to start visiting memory care facilities in your area. You don't mention her financial state, but that will be the determining factor as to where she can go. If paying privately is out of the question, you can look into applying for Medicaid and Medicaid waiver. When you find a facility that you think is a good match, they will do an evaluation on her to determine her level of care.

Keep your head up and get busy finding mom her next home. Just putting a plan together should help you realize that there is light at the end of this tunnel. When she starts with her hateful talk, just get up and leave the room and reassure yourself that you are doing the right thing in placing her. Don't ask her, just do it.
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I have a similar situation with my Mom. It seems, like me, you have been treading water emotionally and are getting worn down. You do need a break or it will break you. In times like these I've thought about directly saying to Mom "If you believe that I am so bad why don't you tell me what else we can do". Her responses might not be rational but it also might introduce the option of a facility that would provide to her needs.
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My Alzheimer's-ridden mom, once my best friend, started to tell me to "Drop dead and go 'someplace warm.'" She never spoke this way to anyone, or about anyone, about anything, let alone to me, about nothing. Like you, I knew it was the disease talking. I must admit though , that the first time she said this to me, I was appalled, the tenth time I was still somewhat mortified, but by the 20th time, I told her if she wants me to go "someplace warm" I better bring sunscreen and a hat. I new that finding a sense of humor within the scope and stress of this disease, was essential. I had Durable Power of Attorney for both of my parents which they intiated, when they were "with-it." (My dad died of COPD, and I never had to use the POA). My mom was also accusatory, of the most ridiculous things, like accusing the women on TV ("The Golden Girls") of coming into her room unannounced, or of me going through her purse, (she had $5 in there and a lipstick, both of which I put in there). For my own sanity, I'd jot down funny, and sometimes not-so-funny things that happened, when she was living with us during this time, (5 years), and those musings were compiled in a book called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work 1 day, and I realized that my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) I learned, as hard as it was, to develop some grit, when she'd insult my grits, and anything else. I hope you can find an aide who is familair with dementia, and who can put the insults behind them.
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M 94 yr old MIL went to an attorney that allowed her to change all legal documents. My husband lost his POA when he started to take charge of her finances. She called him a thief, did not call police, but had a neighbor file Protection from abuse papers ! OLD PEOPLE WILL KILL ANYONE THAT GETS IN THEIR WAY, after all its their way or the highway! Be careful of you moves and make sure you have others supporting you. Wouldnt hurt to video some of the strange behaviors. Pressure a doctor to back you up with testing- IF SHE WILL ALLOW IT !
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Reply to:
Thank you for your advice. I think I just needed to put this out there and see if someone would care because at the moment I really don't feel like I'm a good person. I'm sure it has to do with the relationship I had with my mom when I was a child. But even then she was more likely to let me know of my faults and never my qualities. Thank you again
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If I could I would take you out to coffee, give you a big hug, and share our similar stories. I pray that your life will someday be happier and that you will have all the good karma that have earned! We all love you and please know you can always reach out to use. I'm truly sorry about your diagnosis. Keep your chin up Mr. Rogers.
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Your local Area Agency on Aging is WONDERFULLY equipped with information, resources and contacts to support YOU and YOUR MOM. Their focus is on helping older adults live happy and healthy lives...Most prefer to stay in their own homes, but when that is no longer an option, they can help in the transition to an environment that will support you both.

Above all, keep in mind that you will be of no help if you wear yourself down to the point that you can't take care of her or yourself! Help is available and many of the services are either free or income-based! Advice and support are always free as well! Don't know where in the country you are, but there IS an Area Agency on Aging assigned to your area! Call for help. You won't regret it! BE WELL!
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I think my daughter said it best about my husband who took care of his abusive mother. She said “He’s amazing”. I knew he was a pretty good guy but that really sealed the deal. He was so kind to try to give her dignity and respect in her last days even though she hadn’t earned that right by her behavior!”

you are amazing for giving of yourself to someone who never quite treated you right. She’s your mom, I get that but taking 12 years of abuse is a LOT.

Best of luck to you!!
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My mom was calling the police all of the time, too. And she was also being negative about everything and everyone which was overwhelming and anxiety-inducing to the point where I had to leave the room / area to recover. Since she was calling the police constantly Adult Protective Services and the Community Service Board (mental health services) got involved. She was evaluated by a psychologist and he determined she was depressed. The CSB counselor directed her to call them instead of the police to talk. I changed my routine and started taking her to the pool some of the mornings and evenings to get exercise. Getting sun and exercise lifted her mood. Also going out and meeting people at the pool, and other venues like the church and coffee shops helps to relieve the depression.
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Sounds like it's time for placement in memory care. They are trained to handle patients with AD. You have gone above and beyond, and are now the victim of this disease as much as Mom. Only one of you can be saved, and that is you. Don't ask, just act. Mom may never understand but that is incidental. You did everything for 10 years. Your own wellbeing is important, as well as your sanity.
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I wanted to add to my initial post that I do have an official diagnosis of Dementia and Alzheimer's as well as a statement of incapacity from her primary care doctor.
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Sharonlee77 Aug 2022
A visit to her doctor would be the first move. If she is depressed, which I suspect is the problem, there are many drugs which can assist. You should never have to suffer that level of abuse from your mother. Please remember that you need to take care of yourself first. It may also help to get her to some activities she will enjoy at an adult day care center, etc. and will also give you a much needed respite. I know from experience that caring for a loved one is the most difficult job you will ever do. Best of luck to you!
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12 yrs she has been having problems because of Dementia? This is a long time. Are you sure its not Alzhemiers? That does go for many years.

I agree, Mom needs to be medicated for her own good. By own good I mean this is an anxiety thing if she gets all worked up. Not good for her and not good for you. She should be seeing a neurologist and find out at least what type of Dementia she has so the correct meds are given.

There may come a time, you just can't do it anymore and Mom will need to be placed. If she is 94, you are a Senior too. There is only so much u can do and you serve those retirement years.
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