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We’re hearing from her she thinks they are in love and this man continues to visit her but here there might be some shinnaggins going on at this facility as fronds have walked in on the two. What can we do to stop this?
A 2015 court decision ruled that a man visiting from outside was not guilty of raping his wife when staff found them having sex in the mc. This man was her husband since when they were in their 20s, however.
These types of relationships happen far more often than people expect. Not to panic you, but STD rates in the elderly - especially in managed care where they have more access to each other - are not insignificant.
I have a friend who had been married for 20 years. His wife went into memory care, and when he would visit her, she would regale him with tales of her wonderful boyfriend...who lived down the hall.
My great aunt and uncle were in a shared room until she passed away. Not long after her death, my uncle awoke to one of his female neighbors in his bed.
What can you do? Talk to the administration. If you feel that "shenanigans" have occurred- I know you don't want to hear this - but you might consider having them test her for STDs.
The administration will be able to tell you whether there are options such as installing cameras that might be an option (but that would only apply to your MIL's room). There may be other options such as moving one of them away to another wing or something similar.
But as far as stopping it entirely - I hate to say this but it may not be completely possible to stop it entirely.
I hope this isn't coming off as insensitive in anyway. Certainly if you think she is in danger there must be things that can be done to ensure her safety. It is just not likely that potentially moving her somewhere else will change the dynamic.
People with memory issues and dementia CAN become hypersexual as well. There may be options there that the doctor can be involved in.
I may get slammed by others for this answer but here goes ….
It’s not unusual for relationships to develop between residents with dementia in a facility . I wouldn’t want it happening to me if I was a resident there , but that’s a whole other discussion .
Maybe I’m reading this wrong , but I read it as he’s a visitor who does not live there. You say “ this man continues to visit her”.
However , IMO , if this is a visitor from the outside , this married man presumably without dementia , is taking advantage of a woman who may not fully comprehend that he is cheating on his wife . Who knows what he is telling her, he may say his wife is dead .
If I was you , I would go all big brother / or big sister on this guy as if he was taking advantage of a much younger teen sister of yours . Tell him to stop .
I would be questioning his motives for sure especially if your Mom has any money . Sorry but this sounds fishy to me . If this guy doesn’t have dementia then he is an opportunistic married cheater , taking advantage of a woman with dementia. That is appalling.
And I agree that your MIL needs to be tested for STI’s . Who knows how many this guy as cheated with while married .
Also see if administration is willing to help stop it .
Does someone have POA? The POA may be able to ban this person from visiting your MIL .
I have already told my daughter that I do not plan in having any relationships if her Dad goes before me. So, uf I have Dementia I want no strange man touching me. I was lucky with my Mom, she did not like men and stayed away from them.
Daughter says it does happen but not that often. And she had worked several NHs and ALs.
Does the man your MIL is involved with in the MC have dementia? If he does not then he has no business being there and forming "friendships" with any of the MC residents.
There really isn't much you can do to stop this. These kinds of relationships happen all the time in memory care and nursing home facilities. Get your MIL tested reguarly for STD's though. That's important.
The facility is not going to do anything about it. They should because people with dementia cannot give consent, but they don't.
DIL80120, welcome to the forum. It sounds like your Mom-in-Law is in a memory care facility, correct. And the male friend doesn't live in the facility, or does he? How long has your Mom-in-law known this gentleman? How long has this relationship been going on? Did he come visit your Mom-in-law prior to her moving to Memory Care? If yes, apparently Mom-in-law had given him her new address.
Don't know what you can do if this has been a long-term romance. Chances are it would greatly upset your Mom-in-law is he doesn't return to see her. He may be married or a widower. Put on your detective hat. If you find out his name, just type the name into Google and up will pop a storehouse of info (not all is accurate, type in your own name and you will see how crazy some of the info). If you find out the wife's name, you can Google "Jane Doe, obituary town, state name" to see if she had passed (note, not everyone has an obituary).
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
These "special friendships " are exceptionally common in care facilities.
I have a friend who had been married for 20 years. His wife went into memory care, and when he would visit her, she would regale him with tales of her wonderful boyfriend...who lived down the hall.
My great aunt and uncle were in a shared room until she passed away. Not long after her death, my uncle awoke to one of his female neighbors in his bed.
What can you do? Talk to the administration. If you feel that "shenanigans" have occurred- I know you don't want to hear this - but you might consider having them test her for STDs.
The administration will be able to tell you whether there are options such as installing cameras that might be an option (but that would only apply to your MIL's room). There may be other options such as moving one of them away to another wing or something similar.
But as far as stopping it entirely - I hate to say this but it may not be completely possible to stop it entirely.
I hope this isn't coming off as insensitive in anyway. Certainly if you think she is in danger there must be things that can be done to ensure her safety. It is just not likely that potentially moving her somewhere else will change the dynamic.
People with memory issues and dementia CAN become hypersexual as well. There may be options there that the doctor can be involved in.
It’s not unusual for relationships to develop between residents with dementia in a facility . I wouldn’t want it happening to me if I was a resident there , but that’s a whole other discussion .
Maybe I’m reading this wrong , but I read it as he’s a visitor who does not live there. You say “ this man continues to visit her”.
However , IMO , if this is a visitor from the outside , this married man presumably without dementia , is taking advantage of a woman who may not fully comprehend that he is cheating on his wife . Who knows what he is telling her, he may say his wife is dead .
If I was you , I would go all big brother / or big sister on this guy as if he was taking advantage of a much younger teen sister of yours . Tell him to stop .
I would be questioning his motives for sure especially if your Mom has any money . Sorry but this sounds fishy to me . If this guy doesn’t have dementia then he is an opportunistic married cheater , taking advantage of a woman with dementia. That is appalling.
And I agree that your MIL needs to be tested for STI’s . Who knows how many this guy as cheated with while married .
Also see if administration is willing to help stop it .
Does someone have POA? The POA may be able to ban this person from visiting your MIL .
Daughter says it does happen but not that often. And she had worked several NHs and ALs.
There really isn't much you can do to stop this. These kinds of relationships happen all the time in memory care and nursing home facilities.
Get your MIL tested reguarly for STD's though. That's important.
The facility is not going to do anything about it. They should because people with dementia cannot give consent, but they don't.
Don't know what you can do if this has been a long-term romance. Chances are it would greatly upset your Mom-in-law is he doesn't return to see her. He may be married or a widower. Put on your detective hat. If you find out his name, just type the name into Google and up will pop a storehouse of info (not all is accurate, type in your own name and you will see how crazy some of the info). If you find out the wife's name, you can Google "Jane Doe, obituary town, state name" to see if she had passed (note, not everyone has an obituary).