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My father has been in a facility for two months ( almost 3). He seems to like it thus far. Lately he has talked about wanting to visit home. The issue is that he can no longer walk and it would be hard for me or anyone to assist while at home. I understand that he misses home but it would be hard. He has mentioned a friend picking him and bringing him and the friend is not really able to help either. His can longer attend to bathroom needs on his own, get in and out of bed by himself and etc. Although he and I have had a tough relationship, I do not want to hurt his feelings by reminding him of his disabilities. I think deep down he knows. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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No, do not take him back to his home. Tell him its not feasible right now.
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faithfulbeauty Aug 4, 2024
@JoAnn, thanks for your reply. I think he knows that. I also think he wants to see what I'm going to say. I am going to tell him that this is not possible.
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NOOOOOOO. NEVER.

He may decide he doesn’t want to leave his home again, and refuse to leave .
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faithfulbeauty Aug 4, 2024
@waytomisery,
I thought about that and I would not be surprised if he did that.
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Just say no. Your dad was fine hurting your feelings ALL the time so I don't get trying to spare his. It reminds me of my SIL who deletes my Facebook comments made when child abuser father comments about the parenting skills of other abusers that she posts in a meme. I suppose she worries about his feelings being hurt yet he never cared about ALL the trauma he inflicted on his helpless children from the age of
1 - 2 years old with his physical abuse, neglect and verbal/mental abuse. So please stop trying to spare his feelings. Especially since you are not being hurtful or evil and are just stating facts about his new reality. It's not your problem if he can't accept the truth.

I think he believes if he weasels his way into your home that he will stay and refuse to leave.
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faithfulbeauty Aug 4, 2024
@sp196902
You are right, I'm definitely not being evil by stating facts. I do believe that in the back of his mind, he also thinks he can also stay at my home which is not possible. He even wanted me to bring some of his personal belongings from his house to my house and I told him no.
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It was so hard to get your father in a facility . Do not reverse the progress .
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faithfulbeauty Aug 5, 2024
@wayto misery,
It sure was!!!!!!!!!
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This is not the time to worry about his feelings it is time to make sound decisions for him. No is the answer.
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Another vote for an emphatic "no". If you don't want to argue with him you can tell him some therapeutic fib such as, "Your doctor says you can't go" and leave it at that.

Also please consider that if he's asking to "go home" he may be Sundowning. If so, he is referencing his childhood home, not his most recent residence.

You can just tell him "No, that's no possible" and then quickly change the topic or distract hiim.
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faithfulbeauty Aug 5, 2024
@Geaton777, I have been reading about Sundowning.
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No. No no no.
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 5, 2024
and NO!
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I think the question, when applied to others, may vary, but knowing a lot about "the history " here, Faithful, I would say that the answer needs to be "no". I would simply say what you so eloquently say there--that you understand--but that it cannot be easily done. We lose places and people. We should attempt then to close our eyes and see those places and people. It is a meditation, comforting, and what end of life asks of us.
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faithfulbeauty Aug 6, 2024
@AlvaDeer,
I agree but knowing my dad, he will have someone pick him up and bring him home if I refuse.
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Just tell him he is physically not able to handle the visit. Don't try to 'make it happen' for him. Often our elders want us to make it all better for them as if it is somehow our fault they have grown old and frail.
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faithfulbeauty Aug 6, 2024
@Ikdrymom,
When I try to talk to him and explain that he is not physically able and etc., he gets very defensive. Deep down, he knows that he is not able but he just feels like I should assist him and it does not matter how hard the task.
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I want.. is a WISH.

- Validate his feeling: Yes Dad. I wish you could go home for a visit too.
- Empathise: insert sad face.
- Pause.
- Change topic.
End.

You have no obligation to turn his wishes & whims into realities.
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Reply to Beatty
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His doctor has advised that he cannot go home with you because it isn’t safe. Or at least that’s what you tell him.
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Unless it’s in a ambulance or a hearse he should never leave the facility from what you’re describing.
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NO and move on is the obvious answer. If he sticks on it, perhaps you could tell him that you are going to do a video for him to look at, until the doctor says he is ready. Then ask him which bits of the house you should focus on for the video. Turn the subject away from his ‘visit’, to the house and which bits he liked best. That and looking at the video should provide lots to talk about, and a good way to turn the conversation to the house, its contents and history, rather than to his ‘visit’.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Tell him that you're not comfortable with that. Or say you can talk to the doctor and then later say he said it was not a safe plan.
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faithfulbeauty Aug 6, 2024
@againx100 ,
When I make comments like this to him, he says that he is still in his right mind and can do what he wants.
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Father needs something to break up the monotony of being in the facility. For some their day is out of bed in front of the tv for the day (only leaving for meals), then back to bed and repeat, 24/7.

Activities, possibly if it is an outing probably only those that need little to no help can go, leaving those who can't to stay in the facility.

This is his karma for the way he treated you?
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faithfulbeauty Aug 6, 2024
@cover9339,
They do have outings and often he does want to go for some reason. I have tried encouraging him to go but I decided that it was up to him and I stopped stressing myself about it.
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Another thing you can say

“ Dad , I’m not discussing it, this is where you need to stay “ .

You need to be more assertive .
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faithfulbeauty Aug 7, 2024
@waytomisery,
I do need to be more assertive. It is my fear of him that has caused me to not have self confidence and assertiveness but I'm better as I have gotten older.
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Or get a little slippery 😁

Let's see, what are the top requests we read about on the forum;
Take me out for a nice meal.
Take me to my home for a visit.
Take me on a cruise holiday.

Dad says " I want to..."
🍲🏡🛳
Whoosh.. that request just SLID off. Like you were made of teflon.

Dad says "I said I want to.."
Yes Dad I heard you.

Dad says "I said I want to.."
I know. I heard.

Now if he moves from I WANT.. to I WANT YOU to...

Again, echo it. What? ME? You want ME to what?
Are you ASKING me??
Then BOOM💥
Barb's words of wisdom:
"No. That doesn’t work for me".

PS This has been working for me.

Some folk state their wants & wishes. They drop hints. They EXPECT you to pick up that hint & MAKE it happen. *entitled*.

Nope. Wait for them to ASK for what they want. Ask like an adult.

They try to avoid asking. Why? Because asking a question gives you a CHOICE. The choice to say NO. *control*

Is your Dad like that?
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waytomisery Aug 7, 2024
Yes, this !
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