Advice...when to just let go?
My mother has dementia, but is still high functioning and social. I’m glad she is still active and social. However, yesterday she helped at a community fundraiser event. She said 90 people attended... I asked if she wore her mask? She said “on and off”.... which translated into “no”. I asked if her friends wore masks and she replied replied “no”. My stepdad is so upset with her for attending. He is receiving immunotherapy treatments for cancer. My dad, her ex-husband died from Covid. She’s always “talking” about Covid and related issues. However, she put herself and others at risk by helping with this event. I know her condition and reasoning will continue to decline. However, I cannot control where she goes and what she does. As seriously as I take the reality of the pandemic, I can see she is a Covid case/asymptomatic carrier waiting to happen. Any advice?
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However, I agree, as much as she talks about stepdad’s diagnosis and treatment...”the stress of it all”... why would she want to put him at risk? I realize her reasoning abilities are failing. It took years for me to clearly recognize her narcissistic features... so...
FFS!!!
Your poor stepfather. If your mother is always talking about Covid, is she also always talking about his immunotherapy and cancer?
You are completely correct, and I completely sympathise, that you are not your mother's keeper. But, okay, so what does she have to say for herself about protecting her husband whose ill health makes him so vulnerable?
What does your stepdad want to do about this? I think all you can really do is back him up.
DH and I are also High risk and when we saw that almost no on was wearing a mask, we said our 'hi's and 'goodbyes' and left pronto.
Mom's attitude was that COVID would be a fine way to 'go' What she didn't bother to think about was the high risk pregnant granddaughter, the daughter who was just finishing cancer TX (me) and a liver transplant patient (my DH). I thought it was incredibly selfish, but we just didn't hang around.
If your mom is like mine, her whole life is about herself, until verbally and continually reminded that they are NOT the center of the universe.
Call it what it is, plain and simply, selfish behavior, not caring about spreading a disease that has killed so many all over the world. This is a pandemic!
Let’s hope there will be more transparency and medical professionals can speak more freely in the upcoming year.
How can people foolishly believe they know more than the medical experts?
Her husband has everything right to be upset.
There is no logic in her behavior. What a shame for your stepdad.
That said, it's very questionable if masks really WORK. I have a friend who's in the hospital now with covid, in her early 30s, who caught it from her boss. Both of them were having a meeting in a smallish office, both wearing masks, and his WIFE had the virus. The meeting lasted for about 40 minutes or so. She became sick a couple of days later, and is now in the hospital with sepsis and very low 02 sats. She caught the virus while both of them were wearing masks and while the boss was only a carrier. He later tested positive himself, however. Masks do not always prevent the virus from spreading. In fact, it's questionable if they work at ALL or if they're just used to make us feel as if we're doing 'something' to be proactive. Studies show that 7 or 8 out 10 people who catch the virus wore masks 'most' or 'all' of the time prior to getting sick.
You can't do anything about your mother's refusal to wear a mask, unfortunately. The truth is, she should not be going to ANY large functions now while her DH is going through cancer treatments and his immune system is compromised. Mask or no mask. My DH just went thru open heart surgery on Oct 30 and there is NO WAY I'm going out in large crowds to run the risk of exposing myself to the virus and bringing it home to HIM!
She's the one who has to realize the danger she's putting them both in, but mostly her DH, by going out to large functions right now with the virus rates rising daily. Dementia or no dementia, I think she does know, but chooses to be social over everything.
Sorry you are going through this worry; I understand, I am an only child too and my mother also has dementia and a very, very self-centered personality. It's all about HER 24/7, which is extremely irritating. Wishing you good luck!
Is the sepsis directly related to Covid? Interesting...
Nevertheless, she needs to quarantine away from your stepdad, regardless, and she should wear a mask around him. I know people are skeptical of masks but where I work we require PPE and no more than 15 minutes at 6’, and we have only had 2 cases since the pandemic began. Wearing a mask is better than zero, but at the very least she should be tested in a couple days, and again after another 7 or so days.
And if it’s at all possible, tell her she can’t participate in these events anymore until the pandemic is over.. Tell her her doctor or your stepdad’s doctor ordered that. I know you can’t control where she goes and what she does, but you need to let her know that a virus will control that if she is not careful.
Good luck.
You are within your rights to do your thing and sadly you can’t control her. I’m so sorry that her selfishness and perhaps her dementia is putting others, especially her husband at risk.
People and organizations who have downplayed the danger of this pandemic and have spread lies and half truths that lead to risky behavior by folks who fall for it are directly responsible for increased suffering and death. I don't know how else to put it.
I'm so sorry that you're left trying to figure out how to minimize the fallout for your family.