My mom is 78 years old. She moved in with me 16 years ago after my dad passed away. She doesn’t drive, so it made sense at the time. She retired from work and my kids were young, so she helped me take care of my kids and we were best friends.
Fast forward, my kids are now 23 and 18 and my mom's fairly healthy, but she has some health problems. She’s had a couple knee replacements and aneurysm coils placed. She has immune deficiency from chemo that she had many years ago, and she has a heart issue and high blood pressure.
She is very codependent due to her not driving. I have always encouraged her to travel and spend time with friends as the kids got older and didn’t need us as much.
She seems lost. She doesn’t have any hobbies and now our relationship is very strained. She is always depressed and she is always telling me that I’m never home and that I never take her anywhere. In reality, I have taken her on three vacations this year.
We spend every holiday together. I get up and have coffee with her in the morning. We go to family events together and we occasionally go to the grocery store together and other errands. She continues to tell me how this is not enough for her.
I work full-time and I’m divorced, so I have dated and I have friends and I go out with here and there. I’ve always taken care of her when she’s needed it through her knee replacements and when she fell and broke her elbow last year.
Being with her always makes me feel like I'm not enough. She is always telling me how I don’t do things with her. She misses that we’re not best friends and she’s always telling me over and over and over again how I don’t do things with her anymore like go to the zoo and go places. I try to explain to her that my kids are older now and they don’t need all that. I feel selfish when I want to have a social life.
I can foresee that my kids are going to be off living their own lives including college and adult lives and since I’m divorced, I rely on my social life as part of my healthy living. I work out and work full-time and I'm gone all during the day, so I can see where she said that I’m gone a lot, but I do everything.
Anyhow, I feel like she is getting more and more forgetful. She drinks wine every night (probably because of depression) and lately there’s been a couple things that have happened that she doesn’t know how they happened. So, I’m not sure she has drank so much that she’s blacked out and not realized what’s happened, or if she has beginning stages of dementia and now is forgetting lots of things.
The argument that we have over me not being home all the time it is over and over and over again. We were literally on vacation on a cruise with several other family members and she brought it up again after I mentioned maybe going on a girls trip next year after my daughter goes to college. She got so upset that I was not doing enough with her. So we were on a vacation having the same argument, we go out to dinner, she doesn’t talk much, and the only thing she does talk to me about is how I don’t do anything with her.
I recently lost my job of 14 years, so now I have the stress and the pressure of trying to find something that will pay my bills and keep a roof over mine and my mom’s head, as well as send my daughter to college. And my mom continues to have this argument with me, not realizing that I already have a lot of stress in my life.
I was in a five-year relationship that ended due to compatibility. He didn’t have any kids, pets, household responsibilities, and his parents were alive and taking care of each other. My life is full of things that I have to take care of, and it just didn’t work out. I am scared to death to try and date again because I don’t think anybody wants to take on somebody that has all this going on. So I focus on keeping my own mental health by working out, socializing with my friends, and spending time with my family and kids, and doing the balancing. I want to take her to doctor to discuss, but she is furious and refuses.
1. Mom lives with you and has for 16 years. Ever since Dad died. You moved her in and allowed her to make your home her home, and to be completely dependent on you.
Did you ALSO get a caregiver contract done? Shared living cost contract? Privacy needs and etc. worked out at any point? That would have been crucial from the get go.
2. Mom is 78, and while once, at the beginning she was well enough to help with the kids, she now is not well. She is A) S/P aneursym. B) s/p cancer C) Immuno-insufficieny disordered D) s/p bilateral knee OR. Add to these "heart issues", "depression" , "fall prone".
She is needy, dependent, bored.
You have gone from daughter to friend to caregiver.
And now there is self-medicating.
Over one and one half decades this is the trajectory.
And this is what you must consider now as you consider what you want for your own life. Because in all this time, in the progression, Mom is only 78. She may have 20 years of life left. Do you think, given the road map in front of you, that you will survive that?
This current enmeshment has gone on for so long, and your mom expects that it will go on the rest of her life. That is her expectation. Meanwhile you are in bed dreaming of dating and having a life when you retire. You paths are diverging and no one is speaking about it.
Time for you and mom to go for family therapy. You are not happy. Neither is she. She would likely THRIVE in ALF and should certainly have savings for it. She would have things provided she needs and she would have plenty of socialization. More certainly than my brother even cared to handle; he spent 75% of his time hiding away in his room with his car books to get a bit of peace.
Time to look at where you are now.
The past is the past and it has landed you here.
Time to see a good Social Worker in private practice counseling on life transitions or a good experienced therapist who deals with aging issues. None of the online nonsense.
YOU BOTH NEED honest discussion TOGETHER with a mediator.
I sure wish you the best of luck. This is a WHOLE LOT to sort through and iron out.
Maybe start with a companion aid for her. Someone who will drive her wherever she wants, when she wants. Play cards with, chit chat, etc. I found an excellent companion aid for my 2 Aunts (who lived together) and they adored her. Had her for 6 years, 4 days a week, 7 hours a day. It took me a while to convince them to even have someone like this but she was worth it. She also did some light housekeeping, ate lunch with them, did some food prep, helped them with hygiene, etc.
It seems your Mom has mild/moderate dementia. Once of the behaviors is loss of empathy for others. She can no longer care what her neediness is doing to you, so don't bother trying to convince her or reason with her any more. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms, not her terms, otherwise you will burnout.
She won't like any of it, at first. You should also consider AL for her so you can get your life back before it's too late. You did yeoman's work for her for all those years so don't you dare feel guilty about wanting a normal life. You can certainly grieve the change in her, but you should never feel guilty about moving forward.
I wish you peace in your heart as you make yourself a priority.
She has made you her surrogate spouse and you need to find a way to separate from her clinginess, it is far to established for her to do it on her own.
Maybe reminding her that coming home to anyone biotching at you for not being enough only drives a wedge and makes you want to spend even less time with that person.
She obviously had expectations of what life would look like after the children fledged, she was wrong and now she needs to change those expectations, because you are not her spouse and you have a full life that does include her but, the harping could very easily change that.
Be honest, set and keep boundaries, you don't have to kick her to the curb but, I would kick the listening to nothing but complaining to the curb today. I told my mom, whom nothing was ever good enough, if you don't like how often I am available I will step aside completely and you can find someone good enough for you. Stopped the griping at me, because she knew I would do what I said I would.
Best of luck, you can find a solution to make this work for both of you.
So what to do? Your mom needs help putting together her own social life. Does your town have a senior center? Sometimes they provide transportation. Does she really have NO interests? Would she like to volunteer at a school, library, hospital? Could she take an exercise or yoga class somewhere? There are also a ton of groups that meet on zoom. An older woman I know just joined a jigsaw puzzle club.
Your town/county might have an agency that specializes in senior matters and they could provide additional suggestions. Because 78 is not that old and there is still time to turn things around.
But also your mom sounds like she is a little depressed. I know people have different opinions, but a low dose anti depressant helped my mom a lot. A very tiny dose but it was enough to help her find that extra bit of energy to be willing to try new things.
Your mom sounds as though she is really stuck. Good for you for continuing to maintain healthy boundaries and expectations. And although you can try to help her, at the end of the day we are all responsible for our own happiness. Best wishes for you.
You are right, I didn't rightfully express in my original post my gratitude for the childcare. It was a mutual agreement as she worked 6 days a week at the time my father passed. I helped her organized the finances, get her townhouse ready to sell (barely any equity) and got her moved in with me as she lived 35 miles away and it was too much going back and forth with little ones and a job. She was thrilled to retired and not be a work horse any longer. She also had a pretty good social life, she made friends with a lot of neighbors, joined garden clubs, went to many area luncheons with other senior friends, she traveled with friends and spent many summers at my brothers (in another state) watching his small boys (same age as my kids) Her preference was to spend time with grandkids. She did this while being best friends with me and doing things with me. Now that I lost my job and I see more of her daily routine and suspect depression as well as read through all these great responses, I am trying to figure out how to get her more involved in area things so she can find some happiness. Other helpful information in response to your response, she is on anti depressants already which is what I want to discuss with the doctor as well as her drinking too much alcohol. Yes, I get her the wine but when I don't she sees "red" and gets the neighbor or my kids to get it for her. They look at me like the bad guy if I don't get it for her.
She won't use uber or her smart phone for anything but Facebook and she really doesn't even know how to use Facebook. I use to push her to use technology like shopping online, uber, instacart and thought she was just refusing and wouldn't do it. Now, I believe differently, I think she can't really figure out how to do it based on her deterioration.
Life has progressed for both us with the kids growing up, her aging progression and my divorce and own discovery journey. I believe I spend a lot of time with her and try to make her feel loved but the expectation is unreasonable for where we all are. I view this now after all these responses and my own research as not just boundaries that I am setting but also how I can help her. THANK YOU so much for your response and perspective. Wish me luck in this journey.
You need to make some new rules. The first is no alcohol in the house, or at least nothing strong. Low alcohol ginger beer is about 3 percent alcohol, wine is about 12 percent. The second is using Uber. The third is she goes on a group holiday tour on her own, your holiday is also on your own. The next is that you go with her to look at local senior living places.
What else can you think of?
The mum gave her best years helping to raise her grandchildren, and she didn't build up her own life for when they grew up and left. The daughter needs to have her life now that the children have left and cannot be tied to her mum.
This enmeshment was good for both of them while the children were small, but it's not good for either one now. It isn't fulfilling their needs and it's time for a new way of living.
Change is always hard.
Teach her how to use Uber.
If she's solidly resistant and just keeps whining, then this may be depression, cognitive loss, alcohol dependence, or some combination thereof. Have her see her doctor. Are you present when she's drinking, so you know that it's not excessive, or is she doing it on her own so you might not be aware that it's actually too much?
If she can't handle any of that, then it's time to start looking at senior apartments or AL/MC facilities because she needs more help that you are able to provide while working full-time.