Alcoholic husband won’t comply. Any advice?

Well--your Dh sounds like a loss-sorry to say.

Do you stay with out of love, guilt, or financial reasons?

You remind me of a dear friend who's DH is also an alcoholic of 50+ years. He just retired, she is still working (at age 75!!) just to get out of the house. She also takes in her kids and grandkids all the time and the stress this woman endures!

One day, after listening to her talk about the same exact thing she's been on about for 42 years, I said "Linda, why are you STAYING? You are absolutely miserable and your family is not there for you...except for her oldest daughter who would take her in in a hot second". She looked at me like I was crazy. "I can't LEAVE, who would take care of everybody?"

She honestly had NEVER thought about leaving. I gave up even trying to talk to her. She's on FB every day complaining about her life, her family, her rotten kids--and most of us just kind of sigh and send her a little virtual hug. She doesn't WANT to be better. Her hubby is a waste of time and space. (He has hit her, many times--so it's more than just emotional abuse).

Until YOU pack up and walk, nothing will change. Your alcoholic hubby will not change, there's no impetus to do so. He KNOWS you won't leave.

I'd suggest Al-Anon and hopefully some counseling, w/o DH at this point.

BTW, your dr is spot on. Stress these days is the 'normal' dynamic. We're all a mess. Having a hard family life makes it much worse.

I'm learning to say no and to take care of myself. Ok, DH has had to figure out to run the washer and vacuum, but it hasn't killed him.

Don't mean to sound uncaring--but your DH is ruining your life and you're worried that a divorce would be something you couldn't bear to do to HIM.

Yet he abuses you like there's no tomorrow.

My heart breaks for you, but only you can change this.

Come back--others will have more specific and better ideas than I do.

((Hugs)) b/c you NEED them!

If your husband hasn’t quit drinking by now, he isn’t going to. Stop enabling him. If you don’t want to divorce him then go out and do what makes you happy. You really need to get out of that house and stop taking care of everyone. Your best bet is a divorce, but if that is not an option, try volunteering, go to Alanon, see a therapist, but stop taking care of everything and everyone!! Your health is deteriorating because of it. Believe me when I say that if something happened to you, they would be fine and carry on without you. I suggest you carry on without them while you are here and alive and have so much life left. Don’t be stuck in a no win situation. Your life literally depends on it. Big hugs to you!!

Your former addict son and his friends create havoc in your home. Your messy friend, her two dogs and her cat have for some reason been made welcome in your home. And you think your husband's non-compliance is the issue?

What work does your husband do?

Liver failure doesn't usually resolve itself, or not in a good way anyway. What has gone on between his health crisis three years ago and the situation as it is now?

You take prescription drugs. He drinks, and hides at work down in the basement. While I fully agree - could not agree more strongly - that "there is no situation, however bad, that cannot be made worse by alcohol" I suspect that the real problem is a complete absence of control exercised by the TWO of you over what use is made of your home, your resources, yourselves.

Perhaps you and your husband need to make a new agreement about how you will protect one another?

Sounds like you have "no life any more" because you let everyone treat you like a door mat, from your husband, your son and his friends and also your friend and her pets. I mean REALLY??? Can you not see that after you read what you wrote? And the toll it's taking on your health. When is enough enough? You obviously don't think very highly of yourself to allow all this going on in your household.

You need to get some help for yourself, whether that's Al-Anon, or some other type of therapy/counseling. And really a divorce shouldn't be out of the question either. You can't change your husband. You can only change yourself, and if you really want it bad enough you will do whatever it takes. Will it be hard? Of course it will. Change usually is. But the rewards will far outweigh any bad.

Your family will have to learn to stand on their own 2 feet, and not be so dependent on you, if you really want to have a stress less life. You obviously get something out of feeling needed, that you allow all these people to take advantage of you. There's only one Savior, and it's not you. His name is Jesus. Quit trying to save everyone else and try saving yourself. You're worth it.

I’d seek professional help to get you to a safe place. It sounds like a toxic environment that has taken your health. Remedying the situation seems like an incredible task. I’d gather all the resources and support you can get. Fixing all the others sounds futile. I hope you find the help you need.

Tell friend & her animals she 1 month notice to find another place to live. Encourage son to find apt w roommates ..does he work? Get husband into Al anon. Don’t worry about all the people you “have to” take care of. They have to be self sufficient. You allow yourself to be taken advantage of by everyone. Give hubby ultimatum. Plan an exit strategy. Long term plan to sell house & downsize. You need a new life Hugs 🤗

I would suggest Al-Anon. There you will learn that you cannot change anyone, and you will learn you have two choices only, stay or go. You will also share with others, and learn resources. When I had a family member years ago with a problem I attended and was amazed at the support. You will meet others like you and perhaps some just longing for YOU as a roommate. Make a life for yourself; those around you will not do so.

You are still young and have many good years ahead. Get out now and give yourself the chance you deserve to be really happy. Every day in your current dead end situation is a day wasted.

Speak to an attorney.

My Heart goes out to you. Nothing will be easy but it is so worth making a plan. Focus on what you can do.First I agree with the other person who said to get the dogs, cats and person to move out in one month. If you care about your son, you can encourage him to move on with his life. It will be good for him. Next look at the money situation.
Can you start setting aside funds for a security fund? Chaos is with any home with addicts. You can take a walk or listen to music or take up a hobby. I love to garden just pulling weeds feels good.Busy yourself with things that make you feel good. Try it for an hour a day. Counseling and Alanon help and so does going to church and mediation . You are in for a surprise because your life can improve in spite of the crazies. I met a wise woman who was working at a local Costco handing out samples. Her story was that she now lives alone after a difficult marriage. Her comment has stuck with me. She said that she is so grateful to work and go home to a "quiet peaceful" small apartment. She made it through and you can too.
If you make steps for yourself, you will find some peace. You have a choice!!! GO for it.

You have money to help everyone else. Take that money, move to florida, ALONE. You deserve your retirement too.

In addition to your other problems, may I suggest you are co-dependent in your husband's and son's substance abuse. You are enabling their behavior to continue and it is obviously hurting you. Please visit Al-Anon or any other group therapy for family of substance abusers. You need to get the other "needy" people out of your life and focus on regaining your health. The friend who needs a place needs to crash needs to go somewhere else - with another friend or family member, perhaps. The son needs to find a new place to live and gather with his friends. You need to decide - most likely with the help of a counsellor - what you want to do about you relationship with your husband. Please do not wait! Your weight is dangerously and life-threateningly low.

If husband will not take ownership of his addiction you cannot force him to be healthy. It sounds like he has had this issue for a long time.
I am more concerned about you. Get some therapy and is there somewhere you can go even for a short while? Start making plans to move somewhere if you can afford it because this life is going to kill you. You are the enabler here.

This is serious! Get the addict son out of the house. Get the untidy friend out. Take a stand for your own good. My nephew just died in circumstances similar to this, thinking he was "helping" a bunch of addicts by letting them live in and destroy his home. When he needed emergency medical help himself, they just watched him die. Your husband either makes a try at staying sober or he is out too. Or you leave. I mean it. Get moving. Therapy can come later if you still need it, but you should act now.

I’m sorry your going through this. But why would you feel you couldn’t put him through a divorce after all the years he put you through hell . If he cared at all about you he would have stopped drinking and gone to AA meetings and tried to help him self. But with you always there to take care of him, forgive him and put up with that behavior why would he need to change. He has it made . You need to leave . It’s clear you in caring for him has disabled him even more . He will never change with you there . You deserve some happiness in your life. Start caring about your self. It won’t be easy but after what you have lived with so long you will have no problem. And you should NEVER let your self be consumed by guilt. When you let him treat you like he has and you sit and put up with it all you have done is disabled him more . It’s time for tuff love. I left after 22 years of devoted loving care . Putting up with drunken tantrums, throwing his meals down the driveway, pushing me down injuring my back bad twice . I left moved to Arizona . After two years he called begging me to come home he would do anything , he said we would get married , marriage is what I had always wanted . I told him i’de give him 6 months. I went home to a filthy house , he had been seeing his dead best freind wife she was obsessed with him. I demanded he never see or speak to her again . I finally had to tell her I would file stalking charges If she ever called again. It stopped after 3 months . I started cutting his drinks in half watering them down . But in that 6 months I had him completely off the Booz . He had been very mentally abusing during our years but I was so in love with him I took it. While I was away from him I went to church prayed God would open his heart , let him know we are soul mates . I read the Bible days that it would be dark before I knew it. God answered me. On our last day of the marriage liscence we were married at the Ct house . He kept his promise he was a different man .
6 months later he had a stroke , then came Dementia , he’s now in pull ups like a 1 yr old , I bath, shave, dress , feed him he can do nothing on his own. I prayed God heard , I was brought back in time to care for him as I had always done. So I know what you’ve gone through I also know if you stay it will never change. Take care of your self for a change.
You have done your best to pull him out of his drunken world. It didn’t work . Now pull your self out of it , give you a chance at having a happy life why should both of you pay for his poor choices . I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world . I hope you start over , there’s happiness to be found out in this crazy world we live in . Go look for it. God bless 🙏🙏🙏🌺🌷💕

There are a lot of very good answers here. You are concerned about what your leaving will do to others, but no one seems concerned about what they are doing to you. You are on a lot of medication and are significantly underweight. You are struggling. Please stop taking care of all these needy adults and let them all learn to take care of themselves. You want to move to Florida? Go. Leave all of them behind. Go get your healthy life. Also please join Al Anon. It is an awesome support tool for those of us affected by a friend or relative’s alcoholism.
I divorced my alcoholic husband after 13 years and it was the best decision I’d made in a while, for both of us. Now he has no choice but to either confront and fight his disease, or live with the consequences of it. My being there only made it easier for him to continue drinking while took care of the ill effects, and that was damaging for both of us.

Marntson, I have to tell you that you are being completely walked on and you have to stand up for it to stop.

1st thing, tell that "friend" to clean her crap up and take care of her animals or you will call animal control to come get them. Who moves into someone's house and doesn't take care of their own pets and go out of their way to be helpful and clean? You need to get on her every time she leaves a mess. That is so trashy I can't even imagine what kind of human would do that. Most certainly not a friend.

2nd thing, are you sure that your son is an ex addict? Because I know that being around the dope is not possible when you are clean, it is to much of a temptation. I would drug test him and tell him that he is outta there if he shows any dope. I would also put my foot down about his drug buddies even being in the house. Your son is a grown human, time for him to become a man and go get his own place, right now he is a guest that is taking advantage. Time to grow up boy.

3rd thing, you can't change addresses and expect it to change the fact that your husband is a drunk. He will be a drunk in Florida as well. You can not do anything for him, only for you.

Are you sure that you don't want to leave him and try to find a life for yourself? Because you would get half of everything and that may be enough for you to live.

Sending you strength to stand up and shake the dirt from your back. These people have to go, they have shown you who they are, believe them.

I'm so sorry. Really , you seem like a lovely, giving person and the people around you have absolutely taken advantage of that .
First off . Tell the girlfriend that you plan to sell and she need so look for alternative arrangements asap , or at least tell her straight that she needs to be tidy while in your home or she will have three weeks notice to get out . Enough is enough .
Tell your son that his friends are not welcome there any longer . It's your house and your rules , if he doesn't like it he can go somewhere else .
Call a doctor and see if they can assess your husband for placement in a rehab facility . Not sure if you can afford one but he needs to dry out and I'm not even sure how he can possibly work from home in the state you describe .
If that is not possible , you are not a martyr , stop letting him steal your life and your health . You did make vows I understand but this is too much for you now and he will drag you down most certainly if you don't call a divorce lawyer and explore your options in regards to money and the property . See what you can get to aid your escape . It will be an escape , no doubt about that. You married and made vows to the man that was your husband. You are living with someone else entirely instead .
You are trying to be a good person but you cannot live for others , you deserve happiness , you deserve freedom , you deserve peace of mind.
Seize it . Don't wait .
I pray you have the strength to do what you need to to get away .

You are not a victim of other people's dysfunction. Your husband is not the only issue.

You are exactly right, you need to get a grip on your life. Do that by taking back your home from others using it as a flop house.

I agree with Doggomom - Your husband needs to be removed from the house & confront his disease. As long as he stays in the basement he is enabled to keep drinking. I'd go to an AA meeting & ask for help. AA members take care of their own. Address your health by seeing a doctor & revealing the meds you are on. Next, your home is your reprieve, so everyone else needs to go so you can think straight. Legas guidance can come after these matters are resolved. How that helps!

There are Al-Anon meetings everywhere, and all you have to do to find them is to "Google Al-anon meetings near me." This is not the same as AA, which is for the alcoholic. Al-Anon is for the families of alcoholics. You will find more help there than you can imagine, but you do need to make a commitment (only to yourself) that you will attend meetings regularly. Your goal should be 90 meetings in 90 days, or as many as possible in your area. You are trying to establish new habits and new ways of coping, and it can take time and continuing reinforcement to do that. You will hear words coming from other people that may echo your own experience, and you'll know what they should do. Then the big leap is to be able to know what you, yourself, should do in that situation. Answers will come, and ways of coping will become apparent. Al-Anon is not free—but it usually costs only $1 or so each time. That's a lot less than medicine or doctor visits. If you let it, Al-Anon will transform your life.
And here's something else—there's no prize for being a martyr. Only a slow descent into a place you already know you don't want to go. So please take this life-saving step.

You need to get rid of all the life sucking users in your house! For some reason, you seem to have a need to be needed. STOP! These selfish people are taking full advantage and wearing you down. Just like a virus, the users will move on to a different "host".However, I do think you need counseling to help you free yourself from being used.

Your son needs to go along with your messy friend. Guests, like fish, stink after three days. Give them both an end date that's convenient for *you*. Both can rent a room somewhere within a week or two. And that's their job, not yours.

Your husband won't change until he wants to stop drinking. You focus on yourself. Too many caregivers die before the ones for whom they are caring.

All you can do is tell him to stop drinking, sign the paperwork to sell or you'll be asking for a Divorce which will end up with selling the house to split anyways.

You have allowed people to take advantage for years. My sister's logic on having an adult son in her home was, I'm not going to take blood pressure and other meds to accommodate you living here any longer. You have a husband and a son, and then allowed a 'friend', to create anxiety issues for you. If you can't keep weight on now, this is not going to improve with your current situation.

Start with friend: have a very frank talk with her about your mental and physical situation and give her a deadline - say 2 months - to get her finances in order and locate another place to live. If she is paying you rent, you might just tuck that away and return 2 months of it on the day she tells you she has found a place. Yes, you are giving her money, but it's a very small price to pay to move her on. She, 2 dogs and a cat need to be out - she's not going to find a place until you bring it up and hold your ground. Once you talk, send her a text to 'confirm' the conversation.... I feel bad about having to have that talk with you, but I have to get my life in order. I wish I could offer more time than Aug 31, 2020 to be out, but I have to do this to get my personal affairs in order.

For your son - ask him where he wants to live and pay 2-3 mos rent/utils for him. You won't have to feel bad about putting him on the street because you aren't.

Then you're left with hubby. Be honest w/him. How many years you've played the game with him, hanging out/drinking all day during his work from home time, not bathing, etc etc. You would like him to start over with you in Florida, but if that's not what he wants to do - are you willing to move on without him? None of us are getting any younger and you deserve a happier life for yourself. That choice is yours. Divorce will split the funds from assets (house, etc). Maybe he and your son could buy you out and let you move on. The alternative is that you stay where you are and wishing you had moved on, I guess.

You have two choices: Stay married, or file for divorce. I CANNOT advise what to do..but I'll tell you what I would do: If he's got money--stay married to him and eventually he will pass and you get it all. He's not going to stop drinking unless he wants to. If he's broke, divorce him. It's not worth it.

I got married for the financial security. He quit drinking on his own after marrying me, but if he wanted to drink I would care less. When he dies I get it all. That's just the way I feel about it. I won't remarry. All I care about is the money.

Quality vs quantity? Your choice.

If you are sick and tired of it all, and you're dreaming of getting your own life, then do it. "Alice doesn't live here any more" may be appropriate for you. Consult an experienced divorce attorney (or two). Make a plan. Stop taking care of all the adults in your home and start taking care of yourself. Since they won't leave, you can leave. Make a plan. Work the plan. You should receive at least half of the marital assets. The judge may order the home to be sold and the proceeds divided. Assets also include retirement plans. You may need a peaceful place to live until all is settled. A studio apartment? A room in someone else's home? Sounds like your dream is to live in Florida. Are you able to move there now - maybe get a job and a room there until the divorce is settled and you receive your half of the assets. You should still receive Soc Sec, or maybe even maintenance/alimony. You are literally disappearing by losing so much weight. Mental stress is very powerful. Make your plan now and start to work it. I wish you well and that you see that you do have strength to take back your life.

First of all, get a doctor to help you handle these pressures. Then find a way to get a doctor to examine him and get help. You cannot under any circumstances allow this alcoholism and its effects to continue. No one should put up with an alcoholic - they can and will make life hell for you. I know from something that happened to me many, many years ago. If he refuses to get help, then you must leave him but talk with an attorney who is experienced in situations like this. And why are you allowing your addict son (and his addict friends) in your home. No alcoholic should be in YOUR home. And as to your friend, I would lay the law down - she keeps the place neat and tidy starting at once to your standards or she has .......days to find another place. And be prepared to put her out. As to the animals, please have some compassion for them. They are not guilty of what she does/does not do. They are innocent victims. Take care of them but put her out unless she "cooperates" fully. Please try to get some counseling for support and make you strong. As to your husband, give him an ultimatum - stop drinking or divorce and he must get help at once.

It is all too easy for a giving person to get sucked down into the mire, making it difficult, BUT not impossible to get out. When others start more or less taking advantage of that giving side of you, it is time to back off. There might be some begging and pleading, it will be hard to go against your natural giving spirit, but if you don't put a stop to all of this, you will end up just a spirit! Don't fall for the empty promises either... Everyone is counting on you to fold up and give in. DON'T!

88 pounds at your height is VERY underweight. It's roughly my height and other than a hospital stay (their TPN was NOT enough calories and I had to argue with them!), my HS weight and after 1st child was 99 pounds. You are killing yourself, between doing for everyone, medication, anxiety, etc. You NEED to focus on YOU. The others can fend for themselves - they did before, they can do it again. They are all adults and should be doing this themselves. They've gotten too used to your giving/doing.

The friend:
As others have said, you've been more than kind to your friend. Your plan is to sell and move (more on that later), so tell her she NEEDS to find a place asap, perhaps setting a deadline for that. Your reason is you need to clear out, clean up and prep it for sale. That's all she needs to know.

The son:
It isn't clear why he lives with you at this point. If he has cleaned up his act, hopefully he has a job (if not he needs one - bad timing, but there are still places hiring) and needs to find a place of his own. He should steer clear of his addict friends, but that's his choice. You can recommend it, but that's about it.

The other children:
Why are they needing money from you? They are grown and on their own. They should be able to manage their lives without pan-handling from you. Yes, I have helped my kids when they were in a tough spot, but always with a plan that they pay me back and they DID. Times are hard, but there are ways THEY can cut their expenses. I have had to do that, as a single mom, MANY times over the years.

Hubby:
There are only 2 kinds of alcoholics: a drinking one and a non-drinking one. Alcoholism doesn't go away, but with strength of will some can get off the booze and stay off. All too often, most can't. Two of my uncles were drinkers, one more social than the other, but it was liquor, not beer. I think he died of cirrhosis. The other lived longer, but had more and more issues. His bones softened due to the alcohol. He fell and hit his head, causing major problems. The last fall he had was the final one. He is not likely to change and you can't make him change. Your choice is to either put up with this, wherever you are living, or move on without him. You have to make that decision.

Moving:
This is for YOU. This is what YOU want. This is YOUR goal. Start planning. Instead of "helping" everyone else, your focus and activity should be on what YOU want. This isn't you being selfish - everyone else already can claim that! On paper, make the headline MOVE. Under that, list the steps needed to achieve this. Don't lump things together - separate items, so you can check them off when done.

The above suggestions need to be put in place. One step at a time. You CAN do this. Start by getting the friend and your son actively looking/moving - set a deadline date. Meanwhile, stop DOING things for everyone. Start weeding through things you don't need/want, give stuff away, throw it away, whatever, start downsizing. Start looking for rentals in FL at least. Buying may have to wait for your house sale and getting all the others off the freedom boat. When the "dust" in FL settles a bit, GO THERE ALONE for a week or 2. Stay in a hotel and pamper yourself. Get out and BREATHE! You might find you can unwind and actually sleep without taking anything! This may be what you need to make a firm break from it all. You might also find they all survive without you.