I (30F) have been with my boyfriend (33M) for 7 years. We live together and in the same city as his parents who he has always been close with. His mom has Lewy Body dementia. His dad was the primary caregiver up until recently and they moved her into a memory care facility about a month ago. He has been (understandably) very upset by all of this and (he acknowledges) he copes with this by shutting down emotionally, not communicating, and drinking excessively. On top of that we are both looking for work right now- he was laid off 3 months ago and I am cobbling together gig jobs while applying for full time work after leaving my full time job. While stressed about finances I am managing to pay the bills and am working as hard as I can and am hopeful about the direction of my career.
He has only applied to 3 jobs and is angry when he doesn't hear back from them. He visits his mom about 4 times per week and is in near constant communication with his dad about her (who visits her about twice daily). We go on walks together and see friends but he largely spends his time gaming and watching tv. I want so badly to help him because I know he is struggling emotionally but I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not a priority and that our life as our own family (he has talked about marriage) is on an indefinite pause. I have brought up feeling unsupported but his response is always that his mom is dying (even though he says she might wind up living for years like this and there's no way of knowing) so he needs to prioritize his proximity (physically and I guess emotionally) to his parents. He doesn't ask me how I'm doing or how my job search is going, I do most of the cleaning, and he's at least 4+ beers deep and high every night. He has a wealthy family and a trust fund (polar opposite my situation) and readily accepts money from his parents. We don't share finances but he has talked about buying a house (we live in an area with a very high cost of living) and he knows that I want to travel eventually but he doesn't want to travel because of his mom. I am tired of the (unsafe and expensive) city we live in and if it wasn't for him I would have moved by now. He knows this and is open to moving but won't until both his parents die.
Recently his distant uncle died (they were not close) and he decided to go to the funeral across the country to 'represent the family' because his dad did not want to leave his mom for the weekend (even though she is in a facility). I fully support him going but started feeling sad because he has a very large extended family and I started thinking about how it seems like he will drop everything and do anything for them. He spends holidays with them and I am always invited but I'm starting to feel like a secondary attachment to his life and family. I brought up that I was a little upset that he booked tickets across the country to the funeral without telling me when he was planning on going and coming back or bringing it up with me. I would never stop him from going to a family funeral but it got me in a whole spiral...he was appalled when I brought it up and made me feel demonic because 'his mom is dying' and that he's being stretched thin emotionally. If his mom was in an extremely acute state I would understand him not applying for jobs/being emotionally distant but he has admitted he doesn't know how long this will go on for and that it could be years. I want to work and plan to have a life together- deciding how to spend holidays mutually, how we can live in an area we both enjoy, etc. which entails a lot of 'big conversations' including him drinking less for his health....part of me feels like a monster who is asking for too much given his mom, but part of me feels like it's not a huge ask for my boyfriend of 7 years to check in with me about how my day is going. I feel like a ghost.
Am I selfish and wanting too much? How can I approach these conversations going forward without hurting him more?
With that being said I think you might be a bit of a codependent type person, which will enable his drinking and bad behavior. I'm glad your getting on your feet, job whys and financially, keep moving forward with that. Learn more about codependency, maybe get some therapy, yourself. I'm a very mentally stable person, until I'm around, unstable people, then I become less mentally stable than everyone I'm around, and my cheese really falls off my cracker.
I would read the book, codependency no more, by Melody Beatty, and if you can afford it get yourself in therapy. This is a crazy making situation.
Then figure out what you want to do. What do you want in your life, what kind of person do you want. Before this is a longer relationship.
Wishing you the best of luck!
You have 7 years invested in this relationship. Would he agree to couples counseling? Maybe you should go by yourself so that you can identify healthy boundaries and not get used by people.
You aren't responsible for his happiness. You can't fix him nor should you try: he has to want his own improvement and put in the work. If not, he is a dead-end for you. I agree with PeggySue that then you should live as roommates and spend your time and energy on your exit plan for a hopeful future with a mature and responsible man who cares about you.
Your boyfriend is or may be:
depressed
immature
avoiding responsibility
he is a "user" in many aspects. He is using you, he is using his parents.
I think he needs a "wake up call"
If you are both on the lease for the place where you are living when the lease is up MOVE to where you want to move. If your name is NOT on the lease then move when and where you want.
I would not worry about "hurting him more' with a honest discussion about what you want in your life, what your goals are and how you want to be treated. He needs to hear this. If he just doesn't get it or gets it but does not care then you are better off without him. (sorry I know 7 years is a long time but better to walk now than put in another 7, 10 years while he waits for his mother then his father and who knows how many siblings, aunts and uncles to die before he commits to you)
And no you are not selfish and what you are asking him to do is not "too much"
I have to say though that I am not optimistic that this would be a quick turn around on his part , if at all .
He’s far more committed to his family than he is to you . So have an idea of how long you are willing to stay because his parents are only going to get older and worse. He has already said he won’t move away until they die. This could be many years. This is not encouraging . He should be doing what is best for you as a couple .
If you were already married , you would be getting responses on this thread to divorce . This situation is no way to start a marriage. He’s not functioning , not trying in earnest to find work , and he’s drinking.
If it was me , I would leave and consider that I dodged a bullet.
This couple has been together for 7 years living basically like they are married *except he isn't helping to support the couple hood with his money* like in most marriages. He is stuck to his parents in an unhealthy way and the OP is definitely NOT his priority.
I would encourage you to try Al-Anon because his drinking is becoming a problem.
Move towards securing a job and eventually move out from the situation. This is a situation where you place the oxygen mask on yourself first before giving it someone else first.
Read Codependent "No More" by Melody Beatty.
I know they say that "love is blind" but girl you need to take those love blinders off and see your man for who he truly is.
He's a lazy, spoiled mamma's boy and alcoholic, who has no sense of responsibility to anyone other than his mom and dad, and sadly you will NEVER be a priority to him no matter how hard you try.
So it's best you just cut your losses before you invest any more of your precious time(that you will never get back)in this going nowhere relationship.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!
Please don't forget that. I wish you the very best in taking the hard but necessary steps in taking your life back and moving on from this very unhealthy relationship. And once out of it, I recommend some personal therapy so you won't make the same mistake again.
It's like when a parent has to tell their child they can't eat candy all day anymore because their teeth are rotting. Of course he won't like this conversation and expectation -- he will be angry and pouty and resistant because it means he will have to take action, be responsible for himself and care about another person as much as himself.
Do not feel guilty for expecting him to be an adult. Has he given you push-back in the past? Said things to you to make you feel guilty for trying to talk about it? Is this why you would feel "like a monster" for asking him to grow up?
You want him to "drink less for his health..." His health?? Not so that he can be a functioning romantic life partner and future responsible husband/father? I think you are a Rescuer and he is your project.
FYI relationships are the most difficult things you'll ever do in life. You need to have your own head on straight and have clear "vision" so that you don't waste your time with the wrong person since life is actually short. I wish you clarity and wisdom.
I would never:
Buy a house with him, no way. Stay with him, no way. Pay his bills, no way.
I would:
Find a job. Save money. Move out. Read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.
IMO it is time to move on, find a new BF.
Good Luck!
He confided in her that he was abused as a child . His father was a very successful lawyer . His mother a trophy wife . He never said which parent was abusing him . But he did say that he would be taken to different hospitals for his injuries in order to avoid them seeing a pattern of repeat “ accidents “ at the ER .
They had him dependent on them for money . He had expressed that he wished he could leave his family behind . Have nothing to do with them . My DH and I tried to help him with advice of ways to become independent of them to no avail . I do believe they were in love and he always treated my daughter well . They even talked about marriage after college . It was genuine and palpable when they were in our presence so we tried to help. He was depressed and started therapy , but He began drinking too much as well as smoking a lot of pot . He ended up breaking up with my daughter , admitting he loved her but that he was too weak and that she deserved better . He did my daughter a favor by letting her go , I was greatful .
Very sad .
I think if you are with this person as his girlfriend for 7 years you have a pretty good idea of who he is, what he is capable of giving you, and what he is not.
I would suggest that you attend Al-Anon. You will there find a wonderful group of people who are very in the know about all the issues you face, who will share good options with you, give you support, and most of all let you know that drinkers do not change, you cannot help or change them, and you really are left only with your own options and choices as to whether to stay or go. And they are CHOICES.
Personally, after this many years, I would be on my way to living independently. This would not be the choice I would make.
Kick him to the curb because he's an alcoholic freeloader. If you keep him around and marry you will have a lifetime of alcoholic drama (he's still young and it will get worse with time), you will be supporting him and the household on your own. Now factor in having a couple kids. Your life will be hard, poor, and miserable.
You're 30 years old. The 'gig' work life is okay when a person is young, but it isn't an adult life. It becomes a ridiculous embarrassment when you're living it 40 or 50 or older. Get your career together and find yourself a man who's motivated in his own career and looking for a person to settle down with and make an adult life with. That guy isn't your current boyfriend.
Your current boyfriend books tickets across country without telling you. Did you pay for them? You're "invited" to spend holidays with his family. What if you told him to come to your family for a holiday? I'm pretty sure he'd have a tantrum and refuse.
You're not being selfish. Wanting an adult relationship and an adult life at 30 years old is normal. You will not get this with your current boyfriend.
Stop enabling him to behave like a child with no responsibilities. Break it off with him and concentrate on your own career and life. Date other people. See what's out there, and honey there's A LOT out there at your age.
No one's saying close the door on him completely. It's always good to have a few irons in the fire. Stay in touch. If he grows up who knows? Maybe there's a furture. Don't bank on it though and keep your options open at your age.
The best of relationships have trouble navigating the caregiving landscape. In this case your bf is not doing any caregiving!! His dad is what maybe 65 at most? And he won't consider moving until they are both gone?? He's not dealing with two parents who need care. His mom has been placed. Dad is naturally adjusting. This man seems emotionally stunted and using his mom as an excuse. Yes it is upsetting but he seems to have taken it to an unhealthy extreme.
As to his trust fund don't expect the $ situation to improve when the parents are gone, I'm sure they recognize their son is not mature and the terms of that trust are probably pretty restrictive.
You are not demonic. You are not a monster, you are not selfish. You deserve a full life and a reciprocal relationship. He is self destructing. If he's not willing to seek counseling consider your options. It's going to "hurt him more" when you bring this up. There's no way around that because he seems to react to your asking for what you need minimally to sustain the relationship in this way.
You are starting to question and there is a reason for that. Believe me, you do not want a relationship with a drunk. And anything he says to you when he is drunk is probably how he feels. You are seeing your future and it does not look that good. Time to get money saved and move away. You are young. Don't let this boy bring you down. You should be his everything. No matter how rotten his day is, you should be the person he comes home to and gives a hug. You should be the one he confides to, not a bottle of beer. He needs to grow up before he has any relationships. He should not get married.
She's getting married on Nov 4th to her soulmate and is very, very happy.
Never settle for Mr Wrong even if the breakup is messy and ugly. Because you deserve much more.
Good luck to you.
I agree with JoAnn29 - the majority of us on this forum are over 60 but we've paid our dues and recognize that there are some constants in living life that are as immutable as gravity.
You're in the process of finding your own way in life and that's HARD. You're ambivalent about your current boyfriend and you're clinging to a state of denial because there will be a lot of heavy lifting to extricate yourself from your current situation. And you know in your soul that this relationship has to end. The question is how much more harm will come to you if you delay the inevitable?
7 years is long enough to assess a relationship - you already know that your future with this guy could literally ruin your life in so many different ways. I can't see any possibility how things could work out well with this guy - no matter how much you hope and want him to see the light and participate in a mutually respectful, loving, supportive, adult relationship. It's not gonna happen. No amount of talking with him is going to help change things.
Extricating yourself from this relationship and all your hopes and dreams about him will be HARD - but essential to do. Yeah, you're going to grieve for your dreams as you walk away.
The keys for your future:
-Recognize and accept that this relationship has no future. -Don't bother discussing much more with him, he won't really hear you..
-Get a fulltime job hopefully doing something that gives you some joy and pays enough for you to support yourself.
-Give yourself access to support via Al-Anon, a therapist, anti anxiety or depression meds for the short term, use this forum, whatever helps you gain strength to help guide yourself forward.
-Sometimes finding healthy relationships is an evolutionary process....begin to recognize what a healthy, mutually loving, and stable relationship feels like. Be ready to jettison relationships that don't have these ingredients .
-Be kind to yourself.
-Believe in your right to have a good life and make it happen - slowly and carefully - don't be impulsive.
So go and reclaim a good future for yourself.
You don't come first with him now, and it's unlikely that you ever will. Worst of all, you are blaming yourself for what HE is doing to you, such as you feel "demonic" and "like a monster who is asking for too much" and "selfish" and worried about "hurting him" when he is actually the one doing the hurting, and he is doing it to you.
"Drinking less for his health" is a great idea, but it's unlikely because he is an ADDICT. That means he can't simply throw out the bottle and proceed with a happy life. An addict will crave it, he will throw away everything beautiful and meaningful in his life to get it, he will spend every last dollar on booze or whatever else he needs to serve his addiction. Unfortunately, I've had way too much experience with way too many addicts, so even if my statements seem extreme to you, they are what you can expect.
I'm so sorry, but he's not the one for you. I wish you luck in finding a more suitable mate who loves you above all else. It is possible!
You are trying too hard. If you rescue an angry man, you will have to do it again, over and over.
I wonder what advice you would give to a 23 y.o. young woman who moved in with her boyfriend 7 years ago.
It could not have been that different back then.
You must find a way to escape. It won't be easy while you are in denial.
He is an alcoholic.
You cannot fix this.
The fact that you are doubting yourself on so many levels indicates that this is a toxic relationship, with addiction and narcissism. The reason you don't see this is because of the FOG.
Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
Just break yourself free! Stop talking.
The reason he is not hired is that employers are rarely inexperienced enough to hire an angry man who drinks his days away.
Do you want children?
Future motherhood can take more than hope & a boyfriend you love.
It can take planning. It can take some hard decisions on sizing up each boyfriend to see if he is Husband & Father material.
It can mean doing this before time runs out.
Hope & patience is not enough.
I have a girlfriend that let hope rule. Hope the boyfriend would grow, change, want what she did eg a good job, marriage, kids.
He eventually did.. when she was over 40. They split & he has children with his new (younger) wife. She does not.
You are young, you should move on.
The point is the parents would have gone on the cruise anyway.
The point is that this bf would have acted the same anyway, four beers a day or no. He reminds me of dh’s friend who won’t work a real job and had his drivers license taken away for past Support of a child now older than 18. Alcohol is not a factor in why he is like this. He barely drinks.
Same with the bf. He could stop with the beers tomorrow and would still be video gaming and doing much of nothing.